This topic contains 17 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Better off single 3 weeks, 6 days ago.
March 18, 2019 at 11:10 pm #743316
So, here I am almost 8yrs later, on & off w/ a guy that never committed as my bf! I’m not gonna get into the details of It all but basically I had a weak moment and allowed him to come over to my place after keeping him at arms length for last 3months. I immediately regretted it after we saw each other, so I contemplated my next step, which I knew I was gonna make. We have had the conversation about where we are a few times over the yrs, so I knew I didn’t wanna reiterate anything like that again. I didn’t want a reaction from him cause I knew I was finally putting myself first & his feelings didn’t matter at this point. Not that I was mad at him, i was mad at myself for not having higher expectations & knowing I am worth more than What he ever gave or showed me. This is what I text him & I immediately blocked cause I didn’t wanna see his reply if any:
Just read this & hear me sweetie! I shouldn’t have allowed today to happen! I can’t do this anymore with you, its too hard! Let’s just take a break for a while & if we’re meant to be friends we’ll come back together & it won’t be hard in anyway for me. Please respect this & let me go!
I know I was see this clearly in a few days, but I just need to get objective opinions here…thanks in advance for honest advice!March 18, 2019 at 11:50 pm #743318
Uh, you totally backpedaled, saying you can’t do this anymore, then saying take a break.March 19, 2019 at 12:16 am #743319
Oh wow I didn’t see it that way when I wrote it. I guess I saw it as I’m done w/ us physically, but if we’re meant to be friends it’ll happen after I’m 100% over you. I thought ending it by telling him to let me go was the final thing to convey to him as to where my mind is.March 19, 2019 at 12:59 am #743320
Let you go? Yeah that’s real power.March 19, 2019 at 1:22 am #743322
L … Why does it have to be about who has the power here? Can’t it be that he respect my wishes here & stop reaching out, let me go?March 19, 2019 at 5:35 am #743327
your life, your choices, and your decisions. you have a choice to break off things with him and go no contact. and if you decide to do that then what stops you?? its not about him letting you go. its about you cutting out this man and this relationship from your life. Its about you making up your mind about ending things with the man. L is so right. take back your power and cut off things with this man. block him and move on in life. so easy once you decide to end things. you don’t need him to let you go. you can let him go on your own.March 19, 2019 at 8:47 am #743334
Its a very hard situation, and I’m sorry you’re going through this. But I’m not certain it will ever change regardless of how much time passes. I had something similar happen to me. My ex said he needed me cuz his dad was diagnosed with cancer. I came back 8 months later it ended. Then it was something else ( can’t remember). But it was a cycle. I finally moved out of the suburbs and into the city and blocked him for 2 years. I called him on his 40th birthday thinking enough time had passed that we could be friends. Nope. By the end of the day he was talking about old times and how great it would be to relive those times. I asked him point blank what has changed. Nothing. I tried to be polite and tell him it wasn’t a good idea. But then he got mad. Some people aren’t meant to be friends. It took me a really long time to realize that.March 19, 2019 at 9:01 am #743337
Honestly, all I see is another off period. If you were truly over him you wouldn’t have seen him, period! You had another weak moment, like all the other weak moments you’ve had over the past 8 years and he’s simply doing what he’s been doing out of habit. He knows your weak, has heard this all before I’m sure, so how is this any different than all the other times???
You’re still playing the cat & mouse game—he’s the cat and you’re the mouse btw. In no time you’ll be on again, then off…history is only repeating itself.March 19, 2019 at 11:37 am #743343
Thank you all for your honest insight into my situation. I know I need to walk away, block him and move on 100% and Lord knows I am trying my best. This is preventing me to have an open mind & heart to someone wonderful coming into my life, which is what I so desire. I don’t want to be with him, I honestly know he can never be that person for me. I want to have the power in my decisions and know I’m a good person. I think I have to learn to forgive myself w/ the decisions I’ve made in regards to him. I’m getting there ppl … almost!March 19, 2019 at 11:58 am #743345
Its going to take time. You have to make up in your mind that you truly want some thing better, and more than what he is willing or able to offer you. Until you are completely committed to moving on, he will always be a hindrance to you. I knew I was not strong enough to resist my ex in the beginning which is why I blocked him. But that wasn’t enough because he tried reaching out through my friends, social media, even my SISTERS! And one would think him going to such great lengths must mean something right?? It didn’t.
It took a lot of time for the blinders to fully come off and for me to see him for who he was. Although he had great qualities as a person, he lacked a lot of things I needed in a relationship. Obviously I kick myself for being so foolish at the time but it was a life lesson that I now have.
I’m sure you have a million reasons why you still want to be his friend, not removing him from your social media, not blocking his number or email, but the reason that should matter the most, is YOU!! You aren’t truly happy and its keeping you from achieving from what you truly desire out of life. Put you first. Think of what’s best for you and he’s not what’s best for you.March 19, 2019 at 12:26 pm #743347
Instead of ‘saying it’ you have to DO IT! YOU have to put it into action and stand firm in your conviction that you are going to break this cycle by holding firm especially when at your weakest point.
You need to do a lot of internal work. I suggest reading “Co-dependent No More…” by Melody Beatty. There are many different forms of co-dependency but I describe it as someone who “tries to create order out of disorder.” You can’t control him, you can only control yourself and if you don’t do so then you are to blame, not him, because he’s only doing what you’ve allow him to do for the past eight years.
I also suggest learning how to set strong boundaries; how to beat addictions (with people) and how to rebuild your self-esteem and worth. If you have access to a good addiction and codependent counselor that would be good start as it’s your job to do the hard work to get you to that goal. Until you are seriously ready to take FULL ownership and responsibility for your part and role, and do the hard work to dig yourself out of the black hole you’ve found yourself in; all you’re going to do is stay stuck and keep the dysfunctional cycle going…wash, rinse, repeat.
Just know you are not capable of being in a healthy relationship due to the longevity of this on and off again non-relationship you’ve been stuck in. It will take at least a couple years for you to undo all the damage, break these bad habits, and rebuild the way you think, believe and act—it will be a major overhaul. It won’t happen if you do nothing though. Choice has always been yours, not his.March 19, 2019 at 9:32 pm #743420
I think I always held on to that little bit of hope after all these yrs but I’ve def come to realize he is never, EVER going to give me more than casual meetings. My bday came & passed recently & I promised myself that was my final straw when he couldn’t even come celebrate w/ me. Stupid ME I know! NOMORE!!! I am making the decision to not engage in any communication/relations w/ him … I am going to put me first. I actually looked into therapy today b/c I know I can benefit from mental self-care. I will learn from this experience, some days will be harder than others but I will fight through any weakness that arises in this healing process!
Good bye (name of the guy)!🖐March 19, 2019 at 10:15 pm #743428
You go cold turkey with this type of addiction….you can’t cut down graduallyMarch 20, 2019 at 11:01 am #743465
That hope will get you some times. But we’ve all been there, thinking if we are just patient enough things will turn around. Sadly it doesn’t happen that way.
You need to cling onto those moments like him missing your birthday or other important things he missed. And tell yourself, “He missed those things because I was not a priority to him”. In my situation, I actually wrote things like that on post it notes and put them in my bathroom just as I would do my affirmations so that I would see it everyday to remind myself that I deserve better. And eventually I didn’t need those post it notes.March 20, 2019 at 12:50 pm #743479
lol Kate, I was just going to suggest she do that — post it notes all over the darn house to help remind her when she’s weak and wants to go back.
Alex, you can do it. Make a list of all those things you didn’t like about him that he did or was and refer to it frequently. Then start focusing on your self. Some counseling/mental self care is a GREAT idea! Maybe take some time to look at why this relationship that was on/off for so long was okay for you. Why it was okay for you to settle like that. It sounds like you know (at least on a conscious level) that you deserve someone and something better. You just need to learn how to live that way and get it. :)
Onward!March 20, 2019 at 3:27 pm #743488
I hear it loud & clear!!! I appreciate you guys guiding me to a healthy solution for myself instead of judging me. At least once a day I beat myself up realizing all these yrs I’ve wasted on a guy that never gave a crap about ME! Ughhh! 😞
First day of Spring … time to weed out the toxicity and prepare for a beautiful season of growth!🌷March 25, 2019 at 9:26 pm #744014
Forget about the past. It happened. It’s over. Shut the door on it and padlock it closed. Instead change that thought to “I’m moving forward with my life. I’m so excited to see what awaits me!”
Every sunrise brings a new day. No one knows what it will bring you. Be open to your new fun future. And be proud of yourself for making the change. 😊March 26, 2019 at 9:14 am #744040
Better off single
What makes you think he never gave a crap about you? He must have at one point and it takes two to tango.
Some people are better off as friends than in a relationship. I don’t fully understand why the dynamic changes when you take that step toward committing to someone. It happens.