This topic contains 10 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Better off single 1 month, 3 weeks ago.
November 24, 2019 at 3:27 pm #779247
Hi All. I guess I’m looking for some advice and strategies because I really am so lost. My ex boyfriend and I ended things earlier this year in March after a six month relationship.
We agreed to no contact for two weeks then chatted briefly and he stated at the time that he wanted me to be in his life if possible in some way in the future. After a month or two, I felt that this would not be a good idea so I told him o needed space and didn’t think we should talk for a few months, to which he understood and agreed. After feeling like I was doing better, I reached out to him briefly, we had a nice conversation and about several months later we met up in August because I felt I needed final closure.
The meeting went well but I still feel stuck. We don’t really message each other at all. He messaged me briefly in September about a gift I had given him for Christmas that year and we kept it short. I’ve been trying to stop thinking about him but I caved and messaged him the other day just saying that I hoped he was doing well. He replies “hey! Thanks for asking. I am. And you?” For some reason this response angered me. It said to me that he honestly didn’t care, and part of me harbors anger for him wanting to “be in my life” in the future and yet he doesn’t actually seem to really care based on his last response. I kept it equally short and the conversation didn’t go any further.
I have been to therapy trying to move on from this but this whole situation with him just bothers me. I have dated since then with no real catches. And the memories still sometimes come flooding back and make me miss him even though we were very incompatible and not happy after the honeymoon phase wore off. Any comments or advise would be appreciated.November 24, 2019 at 4:19 pm #779251
It’s ok not to date…
Get re-aquatinted with yourself.
It’s also ok to not be friends with an X-
There has to be time & space before you can even consider being friends…
Don’t confuse friendship with dating.November 25, 2019 at 8:40 pm #779355
I’ve tried doing that too. I just get so bored sometimes being by myself but I guess I should try to work our ways to be okay with being alone. It’s just hard this time of year when I see happy couples everywhere and I was there just one year ago.November 25, 2019 at 10:35 pm #779361
I totally understand…try to reinvent yourself after 20+ years of marriage!
The best thing to do is to fill your calendar with all kinds of fun stuff. Meetup.com was my lifesaver as I got to do a lot of fun things with like minded people and made new friends too! I joined golf, a softball team, hit the gym, did lots of 5000 piece puzzles, and just really put my energy into me!
Within time, I actually came to enjoy my non-holidays! Seriously, I had no care or desire to engage in it, preferred to be alone and watch good movies, binge on chips and dip, and just be with myself! Interestingly, I am now having to re-engage in them with my BF and beginning to miss my solo non-holidays haha. Be careful what you wish for :o)November 25, 2019 at 10:52 pm #779362
Not to be harsh, but at this point you’ve been broken up longer than you were together. You really need to let this go. I don’t actually think you should try to be friends because the fact that you got upset when you felt he didn’t express enough interest in you (after he said he “wanted to be in your life”), means that you have unresolved feelings about the breakup. And you said yourself the relationship was not happy and you were incompatible. So there’s really no reason to pursue a friendship with this guy. You don’t have to hate him or wish him ill, but I think you should not stay in contact or try to be friends. It will just hold you back.
I agree you should find other things to focus on. Anything. Hobbies, meetup groups, volunteering. Anything that works for you. It’s OK not to date, also. In fact if you are not happy with your life and yourself, then it will affect your ability to date successfully.
As for the memories that are keeping you emotionally entangled, try to focus on what went wrong in the relationship- you two are not together for a reason. Be realistic. Rather than daydream about the honeymoon period, force yourself to recognize that you were not happy or compatible with this guy.November 26, 2019 at 2:45 pm #779414
I appreciate your advice. To be fair, if it were just easy for me to “let it go” I would have already. That’s my issue. Doubting all the standard stuff hasn’t helped. I even travelled to Europe twice this year and tried new hobbies but am still fixated on this. I’m going to try to write down all the reasons why I didn’t like him as a bf which I’ve done before but it becomes harder to forget the more time goes on.November 26, 2019 at 8:08 pm #779425
It sounds like you have a case of “limerence” essentially a case of love addiction where you fall in love with the fantasy of the person rather than reality. Unfortunately there is no specific cure but there maybe something that helps you but might not help another. I would look into it and maybe try some things they recommend and see if one or more of those recommendations helps you?November 28, 2019 at 8:34 pm #779556
Hey Lane. I did look up that terms. It seems to pertain more to people who have obsessive thoughts about a person they aren’t actually in a relationship but in terms of the “what could have been” it totally makes sense. I’m actually setting up a phone consultation with a therapist who does hypnosis as conventional al therapy has not helped as I wanted it to. Never tried it before but I’m willing to do anything to make these intrusive thoughts stop.
If anyone has additional tips that would be appreciated!November 28, 2019 at 11:36 pm #779560
Meditating a few minutes a day can help but you need to do it every day at the start your day. This will alow you to be in the present moment rather than in the past with your exboyfriend.November 29, 2019 at 12:36 am #779564
Please look up insecure attachment and attachment trauma. This will help you, to understand the attachment styles. It sounds like you might be insecure attachment, which is 25% of the population.
That, and learn about inner child work. My guess is that you have told part of yourself that the love of people who don’t love you is important. And you need to tell yourself “I never abandon myself trying to get love from those who don’t love me in actual actions or how I talk to myself”November 29, 2019 at 4:36 am #779568
Better off single
Or just be apathetic towards everything and go through the motions of boring everyday life without him. Change up your routine and hit the gym. Get those positive brain juices going. Or drown your sorrows in ice cream. Do you. The more time passes, the less ot hurts. Dwelling on it prolongs the process. Keep going forward.