Tired of being "head of sex department"

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This topic contains 13 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Stephen 1 year, 1 month ago.

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  • #753304 Reply


    Hi Everyone,
    Me and my husband are in our early 30s, together for about 8-9 years.
    We’ve had sex issues almost from the beginning- I wanted more than he did, or just felt like he does want to have sex but won’t do anything cause he counts on me to initiate, and is too embarrassed. When we did have sex, it was fantastic. But feeling like it will never happen unless I started it, crushed my self-esteem and made me feel rejected. It was very painful and for a long time I didn’t believe him when he said he was attracted to me.
    Only after a few years together he told me he was a virgin, which explained a lot.

    In the past year things have gotten way better. We have more sex, he is initiating it often and the sex is only getting better.
    Recently he shared with me that he is fantasizing about watching me have sex with another person and started asking me to “talk dirty” about it while we have sex.

    Sounds good, right?
    I do feel like we made a huge progress, but I am frustrated feeling like the purpose of our entire sex life is to help him with his progress, help him being less restrained with sex.
    I also want to be talked dirty to! I also want to be asked about my fantasies!
    I am so focused with helping him loosen up that my pleasure is pushed aside.
    I feel like I have unwillingly taken the roll of the person who is in charge of sex in our relationship.
    I understand we are different and don’t expect him to feel as comfortable as me with sex related issues.
    But I do want a more equal sex life. I want him to get more involved and not just let me be the boss in bed.

    I’m scared that if I bring it up it will only make him shut away from me, and we will lose all the great progress that we have made.

    What do you think?

    #753308 Reply


    Oh my God my guy is exactly like that.

    If I initiate he will take it over but he would hardly initiate.
    It is so frustrating.

    I told him once and he said he will but he done it once and when back to his old ways.

    Unlike you, we don’t live together and we are not married so I expected him to jump on me when we meet up and alone.
    But he won’t sometimes we sit for hours watching tv and nothing.

    I understand how you must be feeling, almost it must be harder has he is your husband.
    This guy few long term relationship but he said he just feels more comfortable when the women initiate it.
    But it makes me feel insecure and not wanted, not desired.

    And as a woman you do want your man taking charge, leading and pleasing you.

    I don’t have much advice but I do understand your situation, all I can say is don’t take it personally, just tell him what you want him to do. I do that and it works.
    Or sometime hold it for few days and see what he does.
    I have stop initiating one day and we were in bed for hours watching tv and he finally made a move.

    So I would say, tell him babe “I would like xy x, and see what he does.

    #753313 Reply


    It’s taken you almost 10 years to know he sucks in the bedroom? Fascinating.

    #753315 Reply


    good gawd L, sometimes your snark is so out of line. Why are you so obsessed with this site?

    The good thing is that the communication is there. And your agenda is not necessarily that he’s doing anything wrong, it’s that you want to share your needs as well. Usually when I want my man to do something different or new, I pose it as a question/suggestion. It seems less threatening that way. Sometimes it will take a few times but then a lightbulb goes on and it suddenly becomes HIS idea. ;)

    It sounds like he’s on the road of some sort of sexual awakening, which is great but can be a bit self-consuming while going through it. I’m sure it won’t be one-sided forever, but I do think if you want him to learn how to be a giving lover, he needs to know how you feel. The fact that you guys can talk about sex will make it much easier — some couples can’t even do that.

    #753318 Reply

    Better off single

    How is your relationship other than sex?

    Does he take the lead in most areas? Does he work hard?

    If he does, maybe he just wants you to take the lead in that area. You did say he was a virgin so he’s not experienced. Experiment together. It could be a great bonding experience if he’s open to it.

    You can always get him to talk dirty to you. Ask questions.

    #753339 Reply


    He lost his virginity late plus with you. You are the only one who has had to teach him. All he knows is from you unless you want him to watch porn or cheat to learn something new from someone else.

    If he is initiating as well I dont know what the problem is. If you have fantasies dont wait for him to ask, because he surely did not wait for you to ask him!! You have to talk about it. You want to feel like a woman, like HIS woman. Tell him that!! Why marry a man you are afraid to be outspoken with?

    #753340 Reply


    Unfortunately, this is what happens when you marry hastily.

    Sorry OP-

    #753341 Reply


    Or marry hoping things will change post vows…

    #753348 Reply


    I stand by my comment. You couldn’t figure this out after so many years?

    #753386 Reply


    Thank you girls, those of you who really wanted to give an honest advice actually made me feel better.
    Kat, maybe it’s stupid but it actually helps knowing other people are also going through something similar:) I hope it will improve with time!

    Mama- thank you so much!
    Your comment helped me see the situation from a wider, more optimistic angle. You’re right- It’s not that he is doing anything wrong, it’s just that I want my needs to be heard too. Seeing that way will help me communicate with him better, with no anger or resentment. Thank you!!!!

    Better of single-thank you for commenting, you got me thinking! :) I don’t think he is systematically taking the lead in other places in our relationship, nor do I..I think in all other territories our relationship is pretty equal. I think he wants me to take the lead on this because of embarrassment, but I understand I should help him get over the embarrassment together and also maybe be more patient:)

    Nathalie- it’s not a coincidence he lost his virginity late, it’s because he is having a hard time loosening up with sex. You are right that we are in a good place now, and that I should communicate my needs more. I not afraid at all to be outspoken with him, we actually communicate about sex pretty easily, I just don’t want to sound like I’m accusing him of anything cause it will just make him shut away from me.

    Thank you somuch for taking the time to comment! I’ Taking your advices with me! :)

    Oh and L and Raven, You probably expect me to get all worked up. Don’t care enough to be offended. Sorry

    #753389 Reply

    Amy s

    It sounds like you guys are heading in the right direction. Perhaps you just need to stop overthinking it all
    Be more spontaneous and fun oriented. Sex is fun and more liberating as you get older so make
    The most of that. Keep looking for new options. Porn and erotic films. Erotic websites that type of thing.
    Role playing. Seduction. Anything that’s fun. Ask him about it in bed. Make a kissing only rule for a couple of weeks to build tension or no touching.
    Lots of opportunities there. Enjoy.

    #753391 Reply


    hey there. the fact that you guys are still together despite the hiccups show that you guys care for each other and probably get on well wrt other things. as you said things are much better now so that’s a positive. you just need to keep building and accept that as far as this is concerned, you will always be the leader. atleast he has covered lot of ground and its not a total loss. :-)

    #753493 Reply


    You can believe me to be snarky… unfortunately- I speak the truth…

    Good Luck with a man who is embarrassed to initiate sex…

    #753497 Reply


    OP I don’t think that Raven was trying to offend you.

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