Tips on real forgiveness


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This topic contains 6 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Loving Living Single 1 month ago.

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  • #757605 Reply

    Grace

    I have been in a relationship for a year and a half with my boyfriend. He is a very good person and in the time that we’ve been together, we only had one argument when I found out that he’s hiding all our social media posts from his ex-gf. I was devastated and honestly until now I haven’t really forgiven him for that and it’s taking a toll on our relationship.

    It started out one night while on a date with him in a nice place that I arranged, he told me that he received a message from his ex for the first time in more than a year. He said that she’s asking to meet up. I said how does he feel about it and what did he reply to her. He said that he told her that he’ll think about it. That was in January. We never talked about it again. Two months later in March, he told me that the ex texted him again asking for all of their travel photos because apparently she doesn’t have them. I started to feel uneasy because I thought if my bf didn’t get back to her about meeting up and we have photos together on social (and they’re still friends in social) she’d probably get it that he’s moved on. So I told him, so this ex of yours (who was toxic according to him and gave him a lot of grief while they were still together) is asking for trouble? I asked if he told her from their previous message that he already has a new gf. His response was he thinks so because of our photos on social but he didn’t say it on his message because the ex didn’t ask anyway. I wasn’t convinced with the answer so I checked his photos of us, and there, I discovered that he has made all of our photos (only ours) invisible to his ex on social. I told him that I’m sorry for snooping but I was uneasy with the whole situation. I asked him why he was hiding me from her and his response was he was just trying to protect her feelings because she’s fragile and I’m a tougher girl. I told him that I didn’t deserve that and I asked if he still has feelings for her which he said no. After that argument he removed all the settings that made our photos visible to his ex and he has also told her when he replied to his ex’s message that he’s already with someone else. He also apologized many times for making that mistake.

    We tried to move on from that but every time I’m reminded of the situation for example, when he makes us do things that he used to do with her like watching TV shows that they like together, I can’t help but get pissed off. I told him that I’m trying to forgive him but it’s so hard for me to completely let it go.

    To those who felt betrayed in the past, how did you completely forgive the person you love? What was your process? And how did you condition your mind and control your emotions? I have been cheated on before and had a very tough few years to recover from.

    Thanks in advance for your advice.

    #757608 Reply

    peggy

    Hi-I think you should have asked him,then, in January why he was even thinking about meeting up with his ex? To what end or purpose? I do think in general you may have over reacted-hard to say. Jealous of a tv show they watched together sounds silly.
    You can’t forgive if you don’t totally trust him. You need to decide to do that-or not. If you can’t trust him and constantly find things to nit pick,cause issues about, ( like the T.V. show) then you should let him go now because your relationship will eventually be damaged otherwise.
    It is also worth examining how much of this is your own insecurity and low self esteem…then work on yourself,if you are not confident.

    #757613 Reply

    Better off single

    Forgiveness is a choice.

    You can choose to hold onto it or let it go.

    If it rears its ugly head, you keep telling yourself you let it go and it does not bother you anymore and never say a word about it to him again.

    #757615 Reply

    Grace

    Hi Peggy – thanks for your reply. I asked him if he wanted to meet and his response was he didn’t but he was just being nice to her do instead of saying straight up no, he said he’ll think about it and never messaged again.

    Hi Better off single – I appreciate the tip. I tried this but I only lasted 2 months until he started asking me to go to places they used to love going to (like this indie cinema, and the hiking trips and watch reruns of their favorite shows). I imploded in the end and left his place quietly.

    I guess what makes me really upset is the fact that he’s very protective of her and it is very noticeable that he’s still emotionally attached to whatever’s left of her memory. I feel betrayed that in a year that we’re together I have done nothing but love and care for him and he still finds it makes sense to protect her feelings. She left him several times and he took her back every time until now their final break up two years ago which got dragged out and she was the one who asked to cut the connection.

    So I’m not really sure he really loves me or maybe I’m just convenient because I’m ‘tougher’ and ‘more stable’ than his ex that’s why he’s hanging around.

    #757618 Reply

    Omg

    They have been broken up for two years! And if you think men won’t do the same things with you that they do with other women you are crazy. Men do same sex things, same pet names, same activities regardless of who the woman is. Grow up. You either trust him or you don’t. What you should be looking for is whether or not this relationship is progressing.

    #757651 Reply

    Loving Living Single

    True forgiveness requires emotional maturity and the self control to not hold it against the other party. If something he is doing brings up jealousy/hatred thats when you need to take a step back and be realistic. When you forgive someone, you mean it. When you say no hard feelings, you mean it. When you go back on it, you really don’t.

    Ignore how you feel about it and see it for what it is. He fixed his mistake and you are still having an emotional hissy fit because *you* don’t THINK you are the center of his attention when he takes you to the same places or watch tv shows they watched together.

    Maybe he’s just not all that origional when it comes to romance or since he may think in his mind you arent going anywhere, he has no motivation or desire to win your heart. he has it already. If that’s the case, you’re better off leaving and finding someone else after learning from this. It won’t ever change from treating you like his ex girlfriend to Mr. Romantic. Especially when you are throwing a fit over it.

    or that’s what worked to win his ex’s heart and is trying to do the same thing with you.

    If you want to move past it, you need to move forward and stop overthinking. You will project your resentment onto him and in turn will cause him to resent you. That’s what they call a self fufilling prophecy. I think. You’re running down the road to break up town making a big deal out of a mistake he did his best to fix. Saying you forgive him, then going back on your word.

    Not trying to be too harsh- You’re coming off as if he has to grovel or go slay a dragon to make this relationship work with you.

    If you want to keep this guy, you need to start making a big deal out of what he does that you like instead of what you don’t.

    #757652 Reply

    Loving Living Single

    If he’s going out of his way to make you react jealously because he knows it bothers you, he does not give s×it about how you feel. He likes the reaction. Get out asap.

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