This topic contains 44 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by catherine 6 months, 1 week ago.
January 16, 2018 at 12:42 pm #679486
Thanks Aida, your input is much more valued than @b
Yes, I have a lot to learn. Alot of what is said in my text message to him was from previous banter we had shared and to be honest most of our conversations were of a sexual nature. I never asked for anything from him, just for us to continue as we were which was lots of attention with texting and fun, and going out to dinner and spending lots of time cuddling in bed. I went about it the wrong way, but you also have to be aware there is a lot more to the story than what I have covered. I am sure if you read all of the messages he sent me from day one, it may all make a little more
The thing that I am not getting across here is yes I liked him. I have to be be physically and mentally stimulated to want to have sex with someone. Yes I liked the attention and compliments etc. But that was all I was wanting, and moving forward all I want for a long time. I wasn’t even entertaining any future ideas or prospects. I was simply enjoying what felt like so much fun and excitement.
And it felt like that when we were in bed.
So, is it degrading for me to only want that to continue?
Can I not want a sexual contact only? He is a very sexy one at that and much better than my vibrator.
January 16, 2018 at 12:58 pm #679489
If you’ve known him only a few weeks- it’s hard to understand how you can even really know him so well- but maybe you do. With that- I think the real difficulty you’re having is facing rejection. Whether it be a job rejection, a friend rejecting you or a guy- you don’t have and real control over it.January 16, 2018 at 1:04 pm #679490
I’m not sure you understand what a fwb is. It’s supposed to be fun and easy. It’s not about insisting and demanding so much texting and attention. That’s what boy friends do for girl friends. Not what casual sex partners do. Yes he was probably over the top initially as he tried to win you over and when it all felt new and fun to him. But no one can sustain that intensity level. Especially for a casual sex buddy. You were asking for him to act like a boyfriend and someone invested in you. And he is not. So you became far too much work for him and far too intense.
The infatuation stage, even in real relationships does not continue forever. Whether or not you really only wanted casual from this man, you still wanted way too much attention. There is nothing wrong with wanting casual sexual contact but it has to be on mutual terms. You wanted way more than he wanted to offer. So it wasn’t fun for him anymore. If he wanted to be that intense he would go find a girl friend!
You were relying on this man to keep your ego boosted. I can sense his exhaustion of it all in the text messages. I don’t know if he is really a womanizer or not, but the whole point of womanizing is no commitment and no promises of anything.
It’s not degrading to want to continue, but it is degrading to beg a man to still have sex with you when he is very clear he doesn’t not want to continue. You are in love with the feeling of being in love and being worshipped and flattered. While you will probably have no problems finding another fwb, I would suggest you readjust your expectations. Fwb are no promises, an end at any time, and are subject to how much time and energy that other person wants to put into a non relationship.January 16, 2018 at 1:05 pm #679491
Dear sweet Jade. I agree with Aida that it took a lot of courage to put that text message out there. And I’m going to guess that you don’t have very much relationship experience at all if you’ve been with the same man since you were 15. Therefore rejection is new to you and I think you are definitely seeking the love and validation that were either missing in your previous relationship or have been taken away by the breakup of it. I was where you are not too many years ago. Having been married since I was 19 and leaving a 24 year marriage and being thrust into the dating world and having no clue what I was doing.
I was guilty of the instant relationship, rushing into things too fast, getting needy, insecure and clingy with guys way too early on. I was taking down my dating profile after just a couple dates, and I was practically smothering these guys with my affection and attention and cooking for them, buying them gifts, etc before they ever really earned any of that from me.
I don’t know how long you’ve taken to heal after the demise of your 15 year relationship but if it’s been less than a year then you really shouldn’t be dating. You need to work on yourself. It sounds like you are going to school, so focus on that and bettering yourself and healing before you throw yourself at the first guy to come along who’s good in bed! And I’m not judging because I’ve been there! LOL
I will say that you were extremely lucky in this situation. This guy could have led you on for months, continued to have sex and use you, giving you crumbs of his attention in between the other women he was seeing and sleeping with but he didn’t do that. I think someone was looking out for you in that respect.
I hope the negative or harsh comments have not turned you off from staying around here for awhile and reading the articles and the posts of others because I know they were very helpful to me when I started dating again. I wish you the best of luck!January 16, 2018 at 1:07 pm #679492
So, is it degrading for me to only want that to continue?
Can I not want a sexual contact only?
I think part of the reason people are being harsh is because they don’t understand why you DON’T feel degraded. I don’t know why you don’t–maybe your hormones are running too high right now, or maybe you have some self-esteem issues and that feeling is buried…I don’t know.
But it’s possible you’re not able to think clearly right now. For instance, you’re suggesting you want sexual contact only. But you say you liked him and you need physical and mental stimulation to have sex. It doesn’t sound like you can just disconnect and have nothing but pure sex like most men can. You get attached. That’s totally normal. Women’s brains get flooded with Oxytocin and they feel like they’re falling in love. Look this up, do some research on it.
So to answer your question: Most women would feel like crap (degraded) chasing after a man to get him to have sex with them again after he clearly said, twice, that he wanted nothing to do with them. For any reason.
I think you need a time-out to clear your head. Even if you JUST want sex, you want it with a guy who wants it with you. And I think if you were being more honest with yourself you would admit you did want more with this guy, even if you weren’t planning a wedding. After all there was an incident that scared him away.
For your own good you need to forget this guy and move on. There will be other guys.January 16, 2018 at 1:13 pm #679494
And his rejection of you doesn’t cancel out the great times you had. That was still real. He liked a big part of you, but he rejected the part that didn’t mesh with what he wants and needs. That’s normal and it’s not a rejection of ALL of you, if that makes sense.
Something better is out there for you.January 16, 2018 at 1:27 pm #679498
This uy’s arrogance is off the charts-maybe because women like the O.P. throw themselves at him for some unexplainable reason! The topper for me was him calling you “little lady” That alone would put me off him forever!January 16, 2018 at 1:28 pm #679499
This guy’s arrogance is off the charts-maybe because women like the O.P. throw themselves at him for some unexplainable reason! The topper for me was him calling you “little lady” That alone would put me off him forever!January 16, 2018 at 1:29 pm #679501
At least he didn’t call her ‘fat lady’January 16, 2018 at 2:03 pm #679509
Hi. Some you win some you lose. Reading between the lines here I think you have simply scared this guy off with your keenness. I think the fact he was asking for this not be a long and drawn out goodbye means he had already put you down as a stage 5 clinger. And sad to say he was right. You dont want to be with me he said. Hes really trying to get rid of you lol. He was asking for a quick and clean break and you are still asking for the fwb scenario from him. This is exactly what he stated he wanted to avoid. I dont think hes an a hole, a hole ghost this guy was upfront. Its better this way. Let it go and dont think theres anything wrong with you at all. He just wasnt quite ready for the intensity. Take a timeout and learn from this. The advice you have been given is harsh but its good. xJanuary 16, 2018 at 2:31 pm #679514
he does not want you. stop wasting your time and energy on someone who wants nothing to do with you. he was gentle in the sense that he told you very honestly he is not interested rather than ghosting, and you need to respect his decision. you can’t force someone to want you. and honey, if a man doesn’t want to even have sex with you, you’ve deterred him completely. this doesn’t mean you’re a mess up or that there’s something wrong with you — it’s just that he sensed you’re interested in something he can’t offer.
and you can keep telling yourself that you only want sex, but if that were the case then the texting /attention wouldn’t matter. he’d literally just be a breathing dildo to you. you wouldn’t care about what’s up with him, or the compliments he paid you. you wanted more, he couldn’t give it, so you’re desperately clinging to the hope that he’ll change his mind by pretending to be okay with FWB. gand what if he does end up screwing you again? and then he completely stops speaking to you – ghosts you? how will your self esteem feel then?
drop him and focus on YOU.January 16, 2018 at 2:56 pm #679516
Lol,L-but fat could be a rude,but true comment-little lady is just so super condescending. Same as being called doll,princess etc. UGH!January 16, 2018 at 5:15 pm #679524
Please don’t send anything more to him, as he will likely now ignore it. Take care little lady is his last words of that I am sure. Don’t make this even worse, and it’s pretty bad, the text you sent was pretty bad… just take comfort I need knowing he’ liked you enough to try and be kind as he saw it with his words to try and soften the blow, so now leave it there.January 16, 2018 at 5:20 pm #679525
At least he told you. The guy I was “with” for almost 9 months, stopped all communication and told me I was “out of line” and I “pissed him off”. What it was, was that I was jealous of someone we both know that he was talking with a lot. He’s also a womanizer and I’m sort of glad it’s done.January 16, 2018 at 11:00 pm #679562
I think kaye provided the best feedback.
I too, however, cringed at your reply to him. I don’t think it took a lot of courage to send a reply like that, I think it takes a certain degree of shamelessness, sorry for being blunt. Begging for sex is degrading. Even if the guy is “much better than a vibrator”.
The guy might not be the classiest dude out there but he did not ghost, he gave you a courtesy of an explanation, calling someone “little lady” can be an endearment, not necessarily something condescending.
I surely hope you’d stop texting him. But I predict that you won’t.January 16, 2018 at 11:06 pm #679565
Okay I take everything back. He said that because he knew you would beg for him. And you did. You need to work on your self-esteem.January 18, 2018 at 8:06 pm #679813
Yeah yeah yeah
I honestly don’t see what was wrong with the guy’s text… he was just stating his observations and reservations. A bit long-winded, yes but at least he was being honest.
Jade’s response to the rejection confused me but I appreciated how the guy clearly reiterated his stanceFebruary 9, 2018 at 1:34 am #682898
In my experience, the guys who make you feel anxious and clingy are not the guys for you! It is unfortunate that you had sex with him, but sometimes it happens. The right guy will make you feel the good butterflies, not anxious and insecure. You will know he is into you (and not just sexually). Wait for that guy and look at this as a learning experience! It is embarrassing now, but you will live and learn and love and this guy will become a distant memory.February 9, 2018 at 3:44 am #682902
You liked him more than he liked you. It’s not uncommon. Although I do like the “tough love” approach when you’re not interested in someone, he does sound very self absorbed and yes, your response clearly shows the extremity of your interest. You do come across as fawning over and almost begging for his attention which is completely detrimental if it’s not leveled and mutual. It translates as lack of self-worth *from an outside perspective* and it’s just unattractive. But it’s okay! We all like people and become carried away with our emotions and maybe behave “silly” as you would say. Sucks, but this one it seems didn’t work out in your favor and again, blessing in disguise BC he actually doesn’t sound like someone who’s capable of giving you that fulfillment healthy, positive relationships should provide. We all have our weaknesses and life is a lesson so I’d recommend some self-analysis about WHY you thought he was worthy when he clearly didn’t feel the same and what you found attractive in him BC that kind of self absorption is usually evident in someone’s behavior. You say he’s “sexy” but I’ve personally never met someone whose “sexiness” is worth my dignity. Bottom line, you lose respect for people who don’t seem to respect themselves. In turn, you don’t want relationships with people you don’t respect. His text was excessively ego fueled but at least he didn’t directly say the above 2 sentences which are the ultimate truth of the matter. Good luck!February 9, 2018 at 6:27 am #682913
Poor woman. It is obvious from her texts to him that she is a bit confused/mucked up so why are people being so harsh on her? Ok 30years old is not a teenager but we have all been guilty of regressing when it comes to matters of the heart. I have a lot of sympathy with her and I am 50. What I have finally learnt about myself is that sex makes my mind do very strange things including being hideously intense like this woman. So, what have I done? – tried to avoid sex until I am emotionally ready for it. It is not a guarantee that you won’t get hurt but it goes some way to protecting yourself.
OP – try to learn from this experience and instead of spending hours analysing his and your text – focus on what you could do differently in the future and I agree with everyone here that you should never be in a position of begging a guy for sex. You don’t just want sex you want a whole lot more and don’t be ashamed of that.