Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › The day after third date
- This topic has 12 replies and was last updated 9 years, 2 months ago by
jane.
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Emily
So, i had a third date with R. last night. Today, nothing from him. Which is fine, I learned not to build up my expectations. But I would like to let him know that I had a good time. Just that, without even suggesting that I want to see him again (Which I do). I feel the dating rules are so stringent these days, i dont want to make a misstep. Argh.
m
There is no rule but has he called you to initiate dates so far? Do you thank him and tell him you had a good time at the end of the date? If so, there’s probably no need to get in touch…. but if you wanted to send him a quick text telling him what a great time you had, go for it… before you do, though, how are you going to feel if he doesn;t text back right away? it’s not the reaching out that is the problem.. it’s the needy energy behind it.
Emily
Ha. Good point, m. I was thinking about the same thing: will I go crazy if i dont hear back? But I decided, i am not going to act insecure by not sending him a message. I just made sure the message was not structured so it required a response or implied a next meeting.
Yes he has initiated all three dates. And we thanked one another yesterday. But I just felt the need to tell him I had a good time as he really put in a lot of effort to make the date special…
But again, I learned that a guy can just disappear at any point in time, and me sending or not sending the message wont make any difference.
Emily
And. Of course. I did not hear from him. I had a feeling. Something felt off. I know you ladies will say this is fine, better now than later. I agree but it is so hard not to feel like this is about me not being adequate… That i messed something up. I am taking a break from the dating scene. Good luck, its tough out there.
Jenna
Sorry it didn’t work out for you. :/
I’m with you on taking a break. With all these dating rules it feels like I’m playing a big game.
Tallady
Emily, I am so sorry. If you read my post on feeling like crap, I had the same thing happen and was minorly heartbroken. It sucks. But, I will say, faith in the universe is where to focus, not on what you did wrong….
Ivy
“I agree but it is so hard not to feel like this is about me not being adequate… That i messed something up. I am taking a break from the dating scene. Good luck, its tough out there.”
Self-esteem is what you think of yourself, it is not feeling good about yourself when someone picks you. Work on your self-esteem.
Do not take it personally, he barely knew you, and even if he did, why would you conceive of the thought to give a man you barely know the authority to judge your adequacy as a woman, as a human…that is borderline insanity. It’s like telling a stranger they have control on how worthy you are. You don’t even know if that guy was worthy.
It’s ok to take a break when you need to regroup, but the problem isn’t dating, the problem is your low self-esteem, everyone faces perceived rejection but if you aren’t right for someone, then they also are not right for you and better to know now than later. So thank him for not wasting your time and getting you one step closer to your real Mr. Right.
Jane
Hi Emily
So you sent the text the day after the date right? And now it’s a couple days later and still no word? First, I wouldn’t worry about it. You may still hear from him. He could just be busy.
Second, whether you do or don’t, this was in one of Sabrina’s emails:
“Also, stop being so worried that you’re gonna say or do something wrong! This is the biggest tip I can give. So many of our readers torture themselves because they’re afraid they messed up with a guy by saying something (that hurt him).”
I doubt you said anything to hurt him… so take that out. What could you have done that “messed up”? NOTHING. You’ll either hear from him or you won’t. If you don’t, it isn’t anything you said or did, it isn’t about you. It is about him. Easy for me to say to you… but I tell myself that over and over and over.
Ya know I hear you on the dating rules. I’m adjusting to this myself. But the more I think about it the more I don’t see them as rules. It is more about my self-esteem. If I have self-esteem, I can let him lead, I don’t text first, I have lots going on in my life besides these men that come and go, I can let the e-tetherers go (my latest struggle that is winding down), don’t invest too early, etc.
You could also look at it as he just got you closer to the next one. Harley just wrote today.. gotta kiss a lotta frogs… lol
Hang in there. Your prince is out there!
Lane
Hi Emily.
I know it sucks but its not you, anything you said or did, as I’m sure there have been a lot of guys you didn’t like for one reason or another and its not that they weren’t nice, good or decent, but you just didn’t click with them in the way you need to in order to take it further.
Nature dictates the rules, not humans. If its not progressing naturally between BOTH parties then its not going to progress, its as simple as that! Even when nature is in our favor where its mutually progressing there’s no guarantee it will last because the more you get to know them the more you may not come to like, and vice versa, so there’s never a guarantee it will last even after you say “I do.”
I agree, we put far too much pressure on ourselves by trying to fit a square peg in a round hole hoping the man will see your value and worth, but it doesn’t work that way! The man is biologically designed to need very few cues to pick a mate, whereas the women needs to make sure he’s the right man for her before CHOOSING him! If the guy doesn’t pick you it has nothing to do with YOU, it has everything to do with the specific type of woman he’s attracted to physically first (fertility, genetics, health, aesthetics, etc.), and then her personality, energy and qualities that makes him feel he can tackle the world with her by his side. Women evaluate men differently, where we look at how he can provide, protect and interacts with the world to determine if she can support his purpose, vision and goals.
Your job isn’t to worry about whether or not a guy likes you, your job is to decide that for those men who DO, if he’s right for YOU :-)
Emily
Thank you so much for your support, ladies… You are so right. I need to choose, not them. Ironically, he just emailed me this afternoon. But, no content really. I feel it was just out of courtesy than anything else. Nothing really to respond to… I will definitely not force it. I think I will ghost on him, LOL.
Regarding self esteem, my self-esteem is doing pretty well, except sometimes I fall in a ditch. But will come right out. Excited actually to put dating on hold and do some fun things instead.
Ivy
Wait, how long did he not contact you for after your last date?
Emily
The date was last Friday so it has been four days. Again, the message he sent does not really require a response. Plus, the responses to my post really got me thinking. Maybe I am not that much into him? I need a break. Just dont feel good ghosting on him.
jane
Ghost him.
He won’t be offended. I get it. It feels weird to me to to “ghost” and not explain. But remember, ghosting is an action and he’ll get it. Either he will step up or not.
Glad you are rethinking whether or not he is even for you. That’s more like it. I’m no clairvoyant but I think you will hear from him again. Especially if you don’t text.
Enjoy your break time!
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