Talking about moving in, then disappeared


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  • #833133 Reply
    HeartsCrackedaBit

    We dated for a few months last year during his separation, we ended up falling out, ‘taking a break’, and he showed back up when the divorce was final in April. We started dating again, became exclusive in the spring, went on vacation together in the summer, introduced our kids to each other in the fall. Which went so well, the kids loved hanging out, everyone got along, I thought things were progressing even more. My job is going through layoffs, and he even mentioned how I could move in if I lost my job (I haven’t, thank goodness). But just as the holiday season hit, I started noticing him acting different. He never was on his phone before, frequently left it in another room whenever together, but he started having it all the time, taking it with him wherever he went (bathroom or otherwise), which I know doesn’t sound weird, but was weird for him. I’ve never looked at his phone, never tried, but I just thought it was weird, cause he used to tease me that I brought mine to go potty lol. And coincidentally he started working out at the gym (hasn’t in a year), but I support being healthy, so idk. But anyway, we had a disagreement the day after TDay, more of him accusing me of having an attitude, and I said “I disagree, but can we talk about this privately” cause he yelled at me in front of his kids, which I had just met a cpl weeks prior, so I thought it was very inappropriate to have that conversation in front of them.
    Anyway, I left the next morning, he came over the next night, was kinda cold, I asked him if we could talk about the prior night, and instead he yelled and called me bitchy. So I said we should cool off and said bye.
    A week went by, nothing.
    So I texted and said I thing we should talk.
    Nothing
    I said if you don’t want to talk about a disagreement we should take a break and think about it.
    He blocked me.
    No response.

    I just don’t understand how anyone can be so callous. I thought we were serious. We had even talked about marriage and kids. WTF.

    In my heart, I think I should just grieve it and let him go, but it hurts. I finally was vulnerable again, and let myself believe he really loved me like he said, and was seeing a future together.

    Any advice or words of comfort? Ugh

    – HeartsCrackedaBit

    #833136 Reply
    T from NY

    I’m really sorry about your heart. And I don’t think any person responding to you with Monday morning quarterback comments is really gonna be helpful… Such as you had a falling out prior, during which it would’ve been the honeymoon period for you, and statistically that stage of the relationship should of been the happiest time you experience and if it wasn’t – trying to make it work later was akin to trying to fit a square peg into a circular hole yada yada.

    At the end of the day – none of that matters when you’re feeling so lousy. Except maybe it does if you reflect on some things that MIGHT be helpful to you later. Such as – men just out of long term relationships need TIME most especially when they make you think YOU are all they need (to feel whole again, to feel like they’re winning again, to have great sex with someone new again, have companionship again with someone who doesn’t share a whole constellation of resentments and disappointments with them). Maybe possibly there were signs he wasn’t all in, or maybe there weren’t …. until there were.

    Most succinctly though – people show you who they are. Over time. Eventually. Always though. For certain. What he demonstrated was cruel and unevolved. You dodged a bullet he would handle it this way. I couldn’t give two sh*ts people say that ghosting is just something that happens these days. A lot of bad things happen every day and we don’t just accept them. This would be a full stop, never speak to again person. Grieve it. Tend to you. All pain is instructional. Because you deserve so much more than someone getting fit and sneaky then picking a spineless cowardly way out of a relationship he was in no shape to be in in the first place type of dude. We’ve all been there. You’ll get through it.

    #833149 Reply
    HeartsCrackedaBit

    Thank you T for your thoughtful and honest response. The reason we split the first time is because I kept feeling he wasn’t ready for a new relationship (constantly comparing me to his ex wife of 20 yrs, even in the positive, is just unhealthy). But he was so awfully cold to me this time, it really hurt. Like he threw me out like an empty cola can. I couldn’t do that to someone I said I loved and bla bla. Ugh. I was non emotional when I was younger and just having fun, but I was always, always upfront with whomever. What he did was dirty, in my opinion. And as mad as I am, I still want to express my opinion to him, but I can’t! Ugh. I bet he’s getting satisfaction out of me hurting, and that hurts, too….
    But, it is what it is, and I’ll move on.. I just feel like, you’re a grown ass man, how can you treat a grown ass woman like that?!

    #833190 Reply
    Elvira

    There is a lot going on here and I will just try to point out the consistencies I see from what you wrote. You say you had a falling out last year while he was going through a divorce and it ended the relationship. Was it you or him that ended it? First red flag here is dating a man who is going through a divorce. Until a divorce is final it still leaves the 3rd person in a state of “where do I stand”. If it was him who “broke” things off then I wouldn’t be surprised he is taking the easy way out once again. In my opinion once the divorce was final and he came back to you, it was his way of getting back into the dating scene until he realized that things were going back into a “relationship” of which he just divorced from. So now he wants to be single and date. His behavior sounds secretive and I believe he is talking to other women (taking his phone everywhere). Honestly the guy just went through a divorce and he should be dating, but he should have been honest with you about that. I think you knew this was not an ideal relationship given what happened last year, but you went for it and now you see his true intentions. His behavior is not acceptable and sounds very childish. I know you would like more than anything to tell this man off and what a jerk he is…but do not waste your energy just know he did you a favor. I would sit down take out a pen and paper and write a letter with all your emotions of what you would like to say to him and put it away somewhere. One day you will read that and say why did I waste my energy on this man and laugh!

    #833209 Reply
    mama

    I hope you believe me when I say this has absolutely NOTHING to do with you. You didn’t do or not do anything to influence his behavior. He just got divorced and is probably a mess.

    This is a generalization of course, but in my observation and experience, when women deal with relationship breakups, we usually do it all upfront. We process the grief, the hurt, the rationale or lack thereof. So when we meet another man, we’re often times ready for it. We’ve dealt with our sh** at least a little bit. ;) Men bury it deep inside, to be compartmentalized and typically ignored until it comes bubbling (or exploding) to the surface, demanding attention.

    I feel he’s taken his own issues out on you, and now you’re left holding the bag. It’s really crappy that this happened AFTER both of your kids met — I would have hoped if he was going to go nuclear, it would have been BEFORE the kids were introduced. :(

    People don’t have the right to wreak havoc on another’s heart, and that’s exactly what he did. I hope you give yourself time to grieve and heal thoroughly and don’t let this guy stain your heart. Hopefully you will find someone someday who displays the same level of character that you do.

    #833255 Reply
    HeartsCrackedaBit

    Thank you mama for your kind words of support. It broke my heart to have to tell my kids (11 & almost 5) that we weren’t going to be seeing him or his kids again. My oldest held back tears only because she could tell I was hurting. :’( But I had to tell them because they kept asking where he was (he came over every night he didn’t have his kids, for the last couple months. And on his weekends, after I met his kids (6 & 8) in late October, we started all hanging out together. His kids kept calling my daughter after the ghosting, too :( but she was too upset to answer. :(
    Not only did he hurt me so much, it hurts so much more to see my kids upset. It makes me want to kick him in the you know what.
    You all have given me the courage to never answer if he ever reaches back out (like last time). Our last falling out, I had told him I think we needed some time apart so he has time to grieve his marriage, to which he responded “I think we should see other people”. Coincidentally, this happened just before the holidays last year as well. But 4 months later, he was persistently texting, calling, and I gave in in a moment of weakness, hoping I guess that he had done some healing. But, as shown in his actions, he had no thought or care if he hurts me or my kids, so I will in no way allow him back into my or my children’s lives, no matter how long he waits this time.
    Thank you again everyone for helping me put things into perspective. It’s awful that this happened, especially this time of year, but better now than later.

    #833257 Reply
    HeartsCrackedaBit

    Elvira, thank you, that is a wonderful idea!
    I was in a emotionally, turned physically abusive marriage for a few years. And I kept letting him back, even after it turned physical. But the last time, when he tried choking me, and the police charged and put him in jail, so there was no way for him to contact me for a few days, the letter you suggested is similar to what I did. I was so broken, constantly questioning myself, but I decided to write down all the things he had done to me over the years. And anytime I felt weak, and missed (my idea of) him, I would take out that letter, and it would remind me why I will never go back to him again. To this day, I miss being a family, going to things as a unit, and it sucks when people look at me like ‘aw poor her, single mom, her life must be hard’, but I remind myself that it was SO much harder, scarier, and I lost myself, back then, and my life is so much better now. I’m me again, and it took years for me to get here.
    And then this Ahole, who I thought was completely different, waltzed in, and caused turmoil (not nearly as bad) again.
    People suck sometimes, but I’m thankful there are still kind people, like all that posted above
    <3 HeartsCrackedaBit – but will heal again

    #833387 Reply
    Newbie

    You have a family! And people dont look at you with pity. Life is hard for most people, as couples or as singles. If you have 2 healthy happy kids, youre already blessed.
    Your gut was right all along when you saw his phone and work out behaviour. He probably realized he isnt ready to settle again, right now, with you. The problem with him is that he wasnt man enough to tell you in an adult way, but tried to put the blaim on you and started yelling at you in front of your kids. That means you jumped the gun here. You may not feel it right now but i think that behaviour would have turned up at some point anyway. So try to hold on to that and dont put yourself down. Best wishes

    #834717 Reply
    HeartsCrackedaBit

    Posted a follow up if anyone’s interested in providing anymore input. TIA <\3

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