Taking a break, how do I get him back?


Home Forums Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals Taking a break, how do I get him back?

This topic contains 33 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Rose 1 month, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #710319 Reply

    Lori Jo

    So I’ve been dating this guy since December and things were going really well. Earlier this week, he said he wanted some space for a few days but that I would hear from him by the end of this week. So, I heard from him yesterday as he promised – a good sign in my book. But, I asked him if we could meet up and start fresh to which he responded “I don’t think we should just jump right back in to seeing each other, we need to take this one step at a time” – still seems promising. My question is: how should I go about this? I’ve never been in this kind of situation before so I’m confused on how to proceed. I know we love each other so I just want some advice on how to keep this progressing in a positive way.

    #710322 Reply

    Bedazzle

    Why did he ask for space?

    #710326 Reply

    Hannah

    Yes I’m with Bedazzle. Why? Something must have happened?

    #710342 Reply

    Lori Jo

    He didn’t really specify. When I asked he just said it would be best for both of us to take some space for a few days then start over.

    #710345 Reply

    kaye

    There is a huge difference between taking space for a few days and breaking up! His comment that he didn’t want to meet up because he didn’t think you should jump right back into seeing each other and need to take things one step at a time sounds to be like you two aren’t together.

    I feel you are leaving out a HUGE amount of detail here. You said something about meeting up and starting fresh so you knew this was something bigger than him just being stressed out and needing a few days in his man cave. Certainly you have some clue as to the problems in your relationship that would prompt him to say you both needed space and to start over. Starting over means something else ended. So you two are broken up from what I’m hearing.

    #710346 Reply

    Lori Jo

    Like I said, I’m not sure where this all came from. Neither of us have said anything about breaking up, just agreed to take a few days then start from there. That’s why I came here, I’m not sure what to do in this kind of situation. There’s no details being left out as I don’t have any additional details to provide

    #710360 Reply

    Sandybean

    It’s difficult to say how to proceed because it does sound like something happened that prompted you guys to take a break. And depending on what it is that caused you to take a break, the ways to work towards a better relationship can differ.
    Generally speaking, I would advice to take things slowly, step back and wait for him to initiated since that is what he asked for in his comment (at least that is how I read it).
    I understand that you might not want to share the reason for your break but definitely take into account what was said when you decided that. You said that the two of you love each other (which is sweet) but that is not enough if you can’t be on the same page about goals and everyday interactions.
    Good luck!

    #710371 Reply

    Danna

    Why would you be happily okay with giving your bf some space without questioning why? You did the right thing to give him his space however, weren’t you worried that this came out of the blue, didn’t you ask yourself why he would want that space? Anything could make him want space and it doesn’t always have to do with you. However, if you want good advice on how to progress we can’t really give that to the best of our knowledge/experience as we don’t know what the issue is.

    Anyway, it’s best to not ask him anything now anyway. Hopefully he comes around to open up and I hope it’s no bad news. Just keep giving him his space. And try to be patient with when he is ready to meet and talk. It’s the best you can do.

    #710378 Reply

    Amy

    It sounds to me like what he’s doing is a “slow ghosting” – going from active relationship to ‘we need a break’, and during that break he has decided you’re no longer in a relationship (otherwise there’d be nothing to “jump back into” because you’d still be there, dig?). The next step would be “let’s date casually/see other people/etc”. Or it may just be “this isn’t right for me”.

    Either way, it sounds like he’s out. But by all means, if he says he’s willing to sit down and talk, then ask him flat-out to clarify WHAT he wants you two to be and then listen to what he says.

    #710382 Reply

    Ali

    Giving / need a bit of room for a few days is indeed different than “taking a break” which most means “we’re not technically together right now and sort of holding off on totally breaking up/kind of evaluating things”. So — SOMETHING must have happened. You need to find out what it was, what is going on with him, otherwise there’s obviously no hope of patching it up. If he is “taking a break” because you did something to upset him he needs to tell you what that is so you can evaluate if you agree it was wrong and make a change. OR he needs to explain what is going on with him internally (doubts about wanting a relationship in general or with you specifically).

    If he cannot communicate about this, you should not WANT him back.. to just “take a break” with zero explanation I honestly think is a bit cruel, a sign of being a bad communicator and/or manipulative.

    #710384 Reply

    Phillygirl

    I have no issue with someone needing/asking for space. But if someone wants more than a few days of space… you deserve, and they owe you, an explanation.

    It certainly sounds like he is backing off. If I am in a serious monogamous relationship with someone, (and someone who says they love me) we need to have an open line of communication.

    I will not date men who are terrible, inconsistent, or lazy communicators, because communication and mutual respect are the foundations of healthy relationships.

    He owes you transparency about what is going on. If a man won’t give that to me, I have no reason to stay.

    If he won’t speak to you and be honest about what is going on, I believe that is an answer.

    And my response to that would be to consider myself single and begin moving on.

    I will never drag a man into (or into staying in) a relationship with me. I will let you go if that is your wish. Because I know I deserve better.

    I will lick my wounds, mourn, heal and move on to someone who wants me as much as I want them.

    I’d rather be single than w/the wrong person any and every single day of the week.

    #710388 Reply

    Emily

    I would not reach out to him again; when he does contact you, talk to him in person or on the phone and find out why he needed a break. Listen, and make a decision on what to do depending on his response. Right now, there’s nothing you should do.

    #710392 Reply

    kaye

    It just seems really odd for things to be “going really well” for over 6 months and then BAM…He needs space, doesn’t want to jump right back into seeing each other, take this one step at a time, and start over. If there aren’t any additional details, I can imagine you are really confused.

    Hate to say what is going through my head but is it possible he’s back in touch with an ex? Or she’s back in town for the summer or for vacation? Did you two start dating after he came out of a long term relationship? It’s almost like he wanted an excuse so if you found out about it he could say…well we were on a break then remember! I could be totally off base but this doesn’t sound like he’s going through some stress with work or family but something has caused him to rethink your relationship. And if you don’t know what it is then I think you better start trying to figure it out or this doesn’t stand much chance of working.

    #710409 Reply

    Bedazzle

    If a man I was dating wanted to take a break and “start over” I would want to know why. Why is he feeling that way. Did something happen that he is doubting me or the relationship? I would discuss this with him so I knew what he was feeling and were I stood. Then I would be able to decide how I wanted to proceed. I am not interesting in being in limbo.

    I think you need to find out specifically what is going on. You need that information to have a proper conversation with him and to figure out what you want to do.

    #710440 Reply

    Lori Jo

    When he initially asked for the space I asked him explicitly what was going on or if I did something to push him away and he wouldn’t give me an answer he just said “I need some space for a few days, I can’t do a relationship right now”. So I gave him his space and he contacted me, as he said he would, but something seems different. Then, while I was at work earlier he texted me saying “let’s talk tomorrow after you get off work, I’ll be in the parking lot” … I waited a few hours to respond then simply said “tomorrow? Uhh ok, I can make that work. Good talk or bad?” And now I’m just waiting for a response/for tomorrow evening.

    #710447 Reply

    Joe

    You shouldn’t have asked “Good talk or bad”. Wow, the parking lot after work. At least you don’t have to go out of your way for him. Wondering what this manipulator will have to say.

    #710449 Reply

    Raven

    He’s gonna drop the bomb & then get in his car & drive away… Sorry!

    #710461 Reply

    Kathy

    Why shouldn’t she have said “good talk or bad”? Because you want to make it seem like you don’t care so much?

    #710470 Reply

    Persephone

    Ouch! The parking lot? I’m sorry, dear, but that doesn’t sound good. I think I’d prefer to have -whatever- conversation you’re going to have in private, or at least not anywhere where a coworker could witness it.

    Good luck and keep us posted.

    #710496 Reply

    Lori Jo

    I guess right now I’m just trying to stay optimistic. He texted me when he said he would, he’s maintained contact since opening up communication again, and he was the one who asked that we talk this evening. In my mind, he wouldn’t have done any of those things had he wanted out, he could have ended the relationship over text like he did with his ex. That said, I know the parking lot of my work sounds weird but it’s kind of “our place” because it forces us to actually talk, as opposed to ignoring all conversation and defaulting to our sexual tension. The parking lot is where he saw me cry for the first time, where we talked after we had our first fight, it’s where a lot of things have happened between us. I’m really just trying to stay positive. Hope for the best but expect the worst, I suppose

    #710621 Reply

    Lori Jo

    UPDATE: so, we spoke tonight and it was … interesting to say the least. At first we just talked about trivial things, then, he asked me how my fractured thumb was – something I mentioned to him when it happened weeks ago but haven’t said a thing since. Then, the more we talked, the more I could tell I was getting through to him and he was close to saying “ok, let’s just move past this and get back on track” … until he mentioned to me that he had to go because he ordered a pizza and needed to get home to get it 🙄 anyways, this evening brought me clarity so I now have a new question. During this conversation, I realized that he is in a conflict between what his head wants and what his heart wants. His heart very clearly wants to be with me – not breaking things off, asking about minimal things just mentioned in passing, asking about changes that are happening in my career, texting me when he said he would, asking for talk tonight, etc – but his mind is fighting that – not agreeing to just move forward, saying he needs to “think” about it, etc. so, my new question is: now that I know I have his heart on my side, how do I get him to follow his heart/win over his mind?
    My stepmother suggested I get him into a social setting where he can see me for who I really am, see me for the girl he fell for to begin with. Is this a good idea? I could easily make it happen since I just received a promotion at work so I could use that as a pretense for celebration and invite him out with some of our friends and my coworkers to celebrate. I need suggestions! I am so close to maintaining the love of my life, I can feel him at the tipping point and all I have to do is give that extra nudge and we’ll be good. Please help!

    #710625 Reply

    Persephone

    My take? He’s too much of a chicken to break up when that’s what he really wants to do. Men are honestly straightforward most of the time and if this talk were all that important he 1) wouldn’t have ordered a pizza, putting a close on your talk or 2) would have invited you over for pizza and continued the talk. He clearly isn’t interested in you and I think asking those questions was filler as he tried to get the courage to end things. He likely is a “nice guy” and didn’t want to hurt you.

    There isn’t anything that you mentioned that is proof that is heart and head are battling. It’s all stuff you guess he’s going to say or what you think he’s feeling. So unless he came out and directly told you he wants to make it work, I wouldn’t have any hope. I’m sorry.

    #710627 Reply

    Joe

    So apparently this guy wasn’t a boyfriend wherein he wasn’t committed nor exclusive with you.

    Persephone is right. He said and did those things to be nice. And you’re living in fantasy land to think anything else. A guy wanting space after 7 months of dating means you were smothering him with too many needy behaviors. Most likely he wants to break up, but can’t get up the courage to say it right now. And that pizza thing, WOW, I wonder how you interpreted that! The end result is that this meeting did NOT resolve anything and you continue with your fantasy.

    Don’t ask him to an office party!! It shows your desperation and that you’re willing to make him feel uncomfortable.

    You should call him and ask that he stop yanking you around. Ask him to tell you outright whatever he told you he wanted to talk about at the parking lot meetup and what he has on his mind as far the two of you are concerned..

    #711307 Reply

    Persephone

    So, any updates on this? I hope you are doing okay!

    #711314 Reply

    Emma

    I am quite curious too.

    A guy takes a break without any explanation saying “let not just get back to dating right away”…meaning what? he was out of the relationship, with someone else or what? what does it mean “not get back right away?”

    Anyway then he suggests to talk but ORDERS PIZZA beforehand, knowing they scheduled a talk, which means the talk did not really happen, it was all rushed, on purpose because he know that ordering pizza would cause this, he asks some normal questions about her health…and the OP interpreted it as a “heart” thing…but in the end what? did she get an explanation? apology? NOTHING!

    And the girl interprets it all as a good sign. Sigh.

    Lori open your eyes. Do not invite him anywhere. He is taking you for a fool. Sexual attraction in the parking lot happens all the time, between men and women, this is not enough.

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