This topic contains 8 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by L 6 months, 1 week ago.
January 13, 2018 at 6:10 am #678613
This is my first time posting here. I’m hoping people can help. After a year together, my boyfriend has just ended things with me. He’s just gone through a significant job change and he said he felt he couldn’t give me what I deserve. We don’t see each other often but I was happy with our arrangement. At no point have I ever said to him that I need more. He said he still loves me and he’s going to regret it, but his own guilt is eating him up. I think he’s scared that in the future he won’t be able to give more and that it would be harder to split up in the future when we’ve been together longer etc. We’ve also said we’d be friends. I know it won’t happen overnight but we were friends before and we live on the same street; chances are we will bump into each other. We’ve left it that I contact him when I’m ready to swap stuff and we will meet up to talk. I love him, I want him back and I just feel so confused. I don’t know what I’m going to do as we had so much planned together. I’ve been through break ups before, but I can’t even get angry at him as nothing went wrong. I hope it’s a case of right person, wrong time? Any advice on how I get through the next few days? And how I go from him being my boyfriend to my friend?
January 13, 2018 at 6:50 am #678617
You live on the same street but you didn’t see each other often? How often did you see each other? Because after a year that seems odd indeed.
And you can’t be his friend right now. You’ll only properly get through this if you cut all contact for a while. Maybe one day you’ll be able to see him as a friend. Right now it isn’t healthy for you to still be in his life. He also still gets the perks of you not being out of his life while not being your bf anymore. Cut him loose for a while, be kind to yourself, treat yourself, get a new hobby, try to let go of him completely. If he comes back later, make him prove that he won’t just get up and leave again. If he doesn’t, you already did the work and got over him so you’re ready to start the next stage of your life.
It’s going to be rough but you can do it.
Btw, when a man tells you he can’t give you what you need, he’s most likely right and not lying. Believe him and move on. Maybe in a year or so you can be friends again. If you still want that of course.January 13, 2018 at 1:44 pm #678663
We saw each other once/twice a week. He has an extremely demanding job and I’m doing an intensive degree (3 years combined into 2). It worked for us, despite people thinking we should see each other more. We had our own lives and careers then came together. We’d be in touch everyday. It’s just so challenging as there’s no hatred. I can’t even get angry at him for breaking my heart. His family have also all text and said I’m always welcome and to be friends. I just can’t believe it’s happening :(January 13, 2018 at 2:01 pm #678666
Algo is right you can’t be friends now. I would explain to him that in order to move on you need to go 6 months no contact, including social media. This is the only way to truly get over him so you can be friends again one day. In the mean time, it is good you are busy. Spend more time with friends and family, treat yourself to something fun, and again NO SOCIAL MEDIA OF THIS GUY. If you do these things, you will move on, trust me. (Also trust that if he asked to end it, he simply cannot give you what you deserve.)January 13, 2018 at 2:04 pm #678667
I am very sorry for how you feel. I don’t want to make it sound worse, but you need to prepare yourself for a very difficult year or even more ahead. When I broke up I was counting days and weeks hoping it would get better and looking back I wish someone had told me that it would take many many months. I would have braced myself for it and prepared to endure the pain while trying to live my life. Instead every day I was hoping for the pain to lessen, in vain.
I hope it would help you to know that it will take a very long time for you to heal and get over him. Especially because you were thinking marriage, potentially. From what you wrote I assumed that this is what you’ve been thinking. It is very hard to give up that.
There is no way you can be friends with him or his family. You not feeling anger does not mean you can be friends. Staying in contact will continue to give you hope, despite whatever you might be telling yourself to fool yourself, it would still be giving you hope.
But if you look at your life 10-15 years ahead, you’d be grateful for him. He does not feel you are “the ONE” for him. So he had courage to end things before wasting more of your time and creating more hurt down the road. There is nothing you can do about it. You can go back and forth for another 1-2-3 years but if he thinks and feels that you are not the one…
Another suggestion I can make for the future is try to understand if the guy sees you as the one earlier. 6 months down the road if possible. And try not to invest into him emotionally before you feel it from him. Otherwise a breakup will crush your heart again.
But now ask him and his family to respect your need to grieve and heal, block him from social media and do not communicate. I predict that he will try to get in touch with you, because he would miss you, he’d be hurting, do not be fooled by that. It will only prolong your agony, so do not allow this. Heck, I know I am saying all this but I know with certainty that if he tried to reach out to you you WILL talk to him and you will hope for things to turn around, it is human nature ot hope despite reason, so I just wish you don’t lose to much of your time this way.
If you are smart and not too young (late 20s), then cut this off, endure the pain afterwards. It won’t last forever. It will last a long time, but not forever, so 1-2 years form now you will feel better. Friendship however will have to wait for 3-5 years I’d say. So don’t dive in denial, you cannot “embrace” friendship, you cannot have him in your life as a friend, you cannot even communicate with him or know what’s going on in life his. If you do your recovery will not last 1-2 years but potentially much longer. And imagine you’d see his FB with someone else. So be a smart girl and cut things off properly. Your pain will not last forever, and 3-5-7 years form now you might become good friends. In the meantime you need to care about YOU.January 14, 2018 at 5:57 am #678795
Thank you everyone for your kind words and especially Emma for so much advice. I know time is a great healer, it’s just hard letting go of the future you had planned.
I reached out today to arrange when to swap stuff and I said I need to go NC for this week until we swap stuff and we talk about one day moving forward as friends.
I’d do anything to have him back, I just don’t know how to accept it. I just want him to say its all been a big mistake. I want to try and win him back but then I don’t want to ruin any chance of us being friends in the future. As I said, we live on the same street and our families are all friends, so we will run into each other at some point. I just don’t know how to accept it when I don’t want it at all :(January 14, 2018 at 7:32 am #678801
This thread is jam-packed with awesome advice.
I would do like the ladies here have suggested. NC is definitely the way to go in order to preserve your health & sanity.
You really need to look after yourself as best as you can.
Btw, I think it’s very healthy that you got to see each other once to twice a week. Sounds like you both had your own lives (which is a good thing). Some distance & space between 2 lovers is nice and very healthy (makes it all the more fun and exciting when you do get to see each other and it helps you truly cherish what you have instead of falling into the trap or habit of taking the other for granted).
The kindest and healthiest thing to do in your position, is to respect your loved one’s wishes and feelings.
There’s no way of having a healthy relationship anyway, when a negative and crippling feeling such as guilt is in the way.
Our life (and relationships) can only be as good as we feel. If the guy doesn’t doesn’t feel, there’s no way for him to contribute healthily and positively to the relationship.
There is no way for him to be his best. And if the guy feels like he can’t give you what he believes you deserve that just makes a guy feel like a total loser & ineffective (regardless of how you feel about him).
What he feels is essential.
What feels like a match for you, may feel like a mismatch to him.
I believe it’s important to respect each other’s wishes. If one person in a partnership wants to call it quits, there’s no use in trying to hold everything together (otherwise it leads to more guilt & perhaps even resentment).
One of Eric’s life lessons (in love/relationships) was to let go (regardless of how he felt or what we wanted) about his partners.
So I would follow his advice.
The point of relationships, is for each partner to feel good, at ease, comfortable.
So sometimes it’s important to be honest with ourselves, and be selfless (instead of selfish).
There’s nothing wrong with wanting/desiring something, though sometimes it’s necessary to honestly ask ourself whether what we want, is compatible with what a partner/loved one wants.
I’m sorry you’re going through this.January 14, 2018 at 8:52 am #678812
I hope you really take on board how important a LONG period of non-contact is to your healing. You seem in denial at the moment.January 14, 2018 at 9:21 am #678826
Thank you MB, I hadn’t really thought about it from his perspective. He has been unhappy in himself lately and is in such a demanding job, he’s just taken on a much higher position so he is under such a lot of pressure. I said I’d crack on with my own studying and that if he needed a few weeks without meeting up etc I’d understand, but he said he wanted to still see me. I wonder if its just too much and he has to focus on himself right now
Amanda- This happened yesterday and I have been blind sighted by it. We had just come back from a great holiday where we spoke of how our relationship will advance over time. It’s just now he’s back to reality he said he can’t give me what he wants to. Sorry if I seem in such denial, its just been so unexpected and I don’t want it to be over, but it is x