Struggling


This topic contains 5 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Luxi 3 months ago.

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  • #740109 Reply

    Kelly

    I’ve never posted online before but feel like I need to express myself somehow and see how people cope when going through a tough time. Apologies in advance for long post.

    To cut a long story short, I came out of a toxic 7 year relationship a couple of years ago pretty broken and with hardly any self esteem. It was the best thing to happen as he was a lying cheat and made me feel so insecure. I guess for a long time after I felt hurt and angry with myself for wasting so many years and being so unhappy. I know I can’t turn back time and there’s no point dwelling but it’s easier said than done. As much as I’ve tried to move on and be happy, I’ve found the last couple of years a real struggle, not because I miss him or would still want to be with him but due to the insecurities I have probably carried with me.

    A few months later, a friend of my brothers contacted me who I had liked for a long time and we started dating. It felt like things were falling into place and I fell completely for him. He unexpectedly broke it off a few weeks later as he had just come out of a long term relationship too, although acted as though he was more than ready. I felt like it was a case of the right person, wrong time although I’m not sure how much of that I believe. Anyway, I was obviously very upset and as much as I tried couldn’t forget about him. So, I decided to take some time out for myself and didn’t date at all. I started to feel more myself when four months later he got in contact again and things started up again (stupidly I let him back in as I still had strong feelings and felt like we were both in a better place) Again, a few weeks down the line after I plucked up the courage to say how I felt, he sent me a rejection text basically saying he still wasn’t sure and obviously because of my brother he didn’t want to mess me around again. It completely knocked me, probably partly because it was sent over text and I never got any real closure but also because he contacted me and I felt led me on. I was angry at myself again for letting him come back but it was probably more wishful thinking he had changed his mind. In hindsight I think he was just tying to fix what happened before as we still had to see each other occasionally. I know he showed me complete disrespect and I should have seen it as dodging a bullet but again I found it so hard to get over and forget about him as it felt like deja vu. I know you’re probably thinking I’m silly for having felt like this about someone who hurt me, I think it probably made it worse because of who he was and I’d known him for years. I guess I took it personally and felt like it was yet another rejection.

    Again, I took some time out after and tried to just find myself without dating. In that time I had to go to four weddings and sit through constant questions about whether I’d met anyone, why I hadn’t got a boyfriend, etc and to be honest just made me feel completely rubbish. I decided to give online dating a try and just see what happened as I felt I wasn’t going to meet anyone in real life. I spoke to a few different people and arranged a few dates. One guy in particular stood out and we started dating in October. It almost seemed to good to be true, we had lots in common, had similar experiences and just generally clicked. It probably did help with my self esteem but he did seem to genuinely just care about me. We both talked as if there was a future, things we wanted to do together and really felt like it was going somewhere. We had only been dating a few weeks but I had no reason to doubt him. Then in the new year he had just got keys to his new house so over the next couple of weeks he seemed a little distant which I put down to that. I tried to let him get on and not put too much pressure on him, but then he sent me a vague text just explaining that he didn’t want to mess me around anymore than he already had and wasn’t going to be around for the next couple of weeks due to working away. I was crushed, again due to the text rather than actually saying to my face so I could actually talk to him about it but also because it was such a turnaround. I was angry too as you do make the time to see someone if you want to which he had before that. He was constantly making plans and was more than keen. I do feel like there was more too it, I replied gracefully and I guess hoped it was just a blip. I got no response which I thought was really strange for him and started to worry something had happened maybe with him or his family as it all came out the blue. I guess part of me was wishful thinking that it would all be okay. I then got a text a couple of weeks later saying he wasn’t ignoring me, there was a lot going on and would reply to my previous message. Again I feared the worst and felt like something bad had happened. He was being so vague about it all though so I left it a few days and when I’d heard nothing I just sent him a msg just to say I hoped nothing had happened but to just leave it. I was still worried but part of me had just had enough and wanted to walk away with my dignity, no matter what it was I’m sure he could have just told me or at least given me a little more to go on. Part of me regrets sending it now because I guess I’ll never know what happened but I felt like he wasn’t telling me the whole truth and said he would reply but wasn’t. Again I know I should see it as a bullet dodged, I did just genuinely really like him and felt really happy about where things were going prior to his disappearance. As pathetic as it sounds I can’t stop thinking about him. I do feel silly as I only knew him a few months I guess I just felt really hopeful and just like that was all taken away. I never thought when he happily left my flat a few weeks ago I would never see him again. Obviously things had become intimate towards the end and it takes a lot for me to go that far particularly after past experiences so I’ve not felt great about that either.

    Please don’t come back and say he’s probably just not interested or has met someone else as I already know they are strong possibilities. I guess a bit of advice on how to just move on from all this rejection. I just keep getting upset that I’ll never see him again or know what happened. I know I again should be glad as he obviously wasn’t the one if he could just walk away like that but it doesn’t make you feel any better in the moment.

    I just feel like the last couple of years have been a real rollercoaster, I’ve spent lots of time on my own in between and trying to improve my self worth I just feel then I get into these situations where I end up feeling hurt and confused again. I’ve booked to go and speak to a therapist to try and work through my insecurities and I know things will get better it just seems like a huge struggle at the minute along with being unhappy with my job and a serious sports injury which is ongoing.

    #740144 Reply

    Sensy

    Dear Kelly,

    I am sorry to learn of your sports injury, and hope it is not prohibiting you from playing. Are you in a position to take up golf? Guys love that.

    Regarding the past pursuers and bfs, I know easier said than done, but they to love yourself more to not give them the head space.

    The one will be deserving of that, and I believe it will likely happen when you learn to love yourself more.

    #740145 Reply

    Sensy

    Kelly, one more thing. When you get to the place of really feeling grounded and centered, visualize what you want in a guy and put it in the universe.

    #740150 Reply

    Newbie

    I had a bit of issues answering because i have a solid ‘what doesnt kill you makes you stronger’ view on life. So you look at your life as a series of disasters and rejections. But ehat have you done? You got rid of toxic guy, cheers to you. Friend of your brother sure did a number on you but that was years ago. Last guy just doesnt feel it. Thats not rejection. It just means he doesnt feel the same.
    And Im sure you have many qualities that makes you special. So its a mindset mostly. But it needs work so im glad you are going to see a counsellor. It helps. Fix things that matter to your personal well being first, find love with friends and family and the rest will follow

    #740178 Reply

    Emma

    I think you posted about it before. I remember the guy with a new house vanishing for 2 weeks at a time saying he is busy.

    I am sorry about your pride. It does hurt a lot when someone steps on it. But at some point, when it happens again and again, then you start feeling indignation for yourself, don’t you? Don’t you want to say “screw you” and just forget the SOBs?

    You do need to become stronger, grow thicker skin. Rejection is very hurtful to everyone. But most people have enough selfishness in them to shake it off and say “his loss” and move on.

    Reflect upon the type of men you meet, how you treat them, are you too nice to them? too trusting? not expressing your feelings and what you want when you don’t get it? Are you taking any time to evaluate THEM? or are you following their lead, if someone interested in you, you just go with them? Even if oyu are hungry and in a hurry, you should still not each junk if you want to maintain your health. LOL With food, one time in a few weeks is not going to hurt you much, but with relationship, each “junkie dude” is going to cost you dearly.

    Try to understand what steps and attitudes on your part put you in those situations. Focus on YOU, not on them. Think of YOU, be more selfish. Protect YOUR interests and your emotions. A year from now you’d forget that guy’s name (hopefully), so why spoil your life NOW?

    #740180 Reply

    Luxi

    This may sound harsh but I mean this with respect to you as a woman. You are clearly needy, damaged, have no sense of pride, no self esteem Ma!! It just oozes out of your post…all the way through. Kudos for making a therapy appointment! You need therapy and to do A LOT of self care and self love before even thinking about dating or you will just have the same results. Desperate people are so unattractive. Repulsive to healthy and unhealthy people alike. It’s loud in clear in all yours and potential single men’s actions words etc. No matter how beautiful you are (&I’m SURE YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL!)being damaged and needy outweighs everything else you’ve got going for you. When you do get better you won’t even NEED a man’s validation! You’ll already know you’re amazing! Besides with your sexy new confidence you’ll be reeling in men all over the place. You will have more dates than you know what to do with. And by that point… You will love yourself so much you will demand respect and you will get it. Good luck and lots of self-love self-care and being selfish. No dating until then. Take care.

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