This topic contains 14 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by MJ22 5 months, 2 weeks ago.
December 7, 2018 at 7:02 am #731477
Hi everyone, I just wanted some advice regarding a situation I’m in at the moment.
I am in a committed relationship with a wonderful man that is respectful, kind, loyal and just overall a great guy. He treats me so well and is the best person I have ever met. Last year, he went on a 30th birthday trip to Vegas, we had only been together around 5 months so still learning about each other. When I was 18 I was sexually assaulted by someone I thought I could trust, so this has always affected my trust with people. My previous relationship with my ex was emotionally abusive and sometimes physical, whenever he went out and done drugs, he would come back to mine and be quite violent sexually with me. He treated me like I was a piece of meat, and because I thought I loved him, I did everything he asked, whether it was sexually or not. Since that incident and relationship I have many emotional scars, I have worked on myself and believed I needed to sort myself out before entering a new relationship, so I had therapy and worked on myself and healed. I then met my now current partner, who understands everything I went through, is supportive and would never hurt me.
I found out a year later when he went on this Vegas trip that he had done drugs, and they had a stripper on this bus and got a bit of a lap dance. He felt very ashamed and still does because he knows my feelings towards it. I was upset that when he got back, I had asked and he lied to me saying nothing had happened on the trip. It was more the lie that was hurtful than him going a bit wild one night, I would have gotten over it if I had known it happened, I found out because we decided to move in together and he didn’t want to keep it from me anymore, he knows I couldn’t be with someone again that had anything to do with drugs.
Anyway, I decided to forgive him because people make mistakes, and his actions after and still continue to show me that he is committed and would never lie to me again in that circumstance. I found out in august and he has gone on a stag do this weekend with his friends, he asked me if he could go because of what happened and I said yes because I do trust him and he doesn’t have to ask permission. I am now so anxious that something is going to happen and I won’t find out until later on down the line. Although I have forgiven him, I have trust issues anyway that I try and work on, but its all bubbling back up, I’m worried, I feel so low that he is going to see strippers and do more drugs. I do trust him, but my own issues are making me feel so terrible about myself. I couldn’t go through it all again, especially with this man who really is a great guy. I sometimes wish I could be a woman who is chill with this sort of thing, but I’m just not and I accept that I am not comfortable with it. But I also accept that he needs his freedom. I am so conflicted and feel so low about it all. I don’t want this to ruin my relationship. I never contact him when he goes away/out either, I let him do his thing and be free, its more of a thing where I suffer on my own and not speak about it. I wouldn’t want to bombard him when he is out because I understand the importance of space and having your own friends. My demons are just getting the best of me and I sometimes just can’t control my thoughts and worries. I am worried I won’t be able to get over this and it will always cause conflict between us. I’m not sure what to do :(December 7, 2018 at 8:38 am #731482
I understand you’re background is hurting you but you can’t keep punishing yourself or him because of it. Men need MAN TIME and so what if he engages in recreational drugs, drinks too much or given a lap dance as that’s the stag experience for the bachelor enjoying his last ‘single night’ with his pals.
If he doesn’t engage in any of these on a regular or daily basis, only those rare occasions like this with his pals, then you really need to let him go have some fun! If you don’t trust him then break up because its not fair to hold an albatross (burden) around his neck because you had a couple bad experiences. Trust me, we’ve all experienced some bad BF’s but I never held the acts of one against another because its not fair or right to charge someone else for the acts of another.
I think its really sad that he FEARS talking to you about these things because of your past. Do you really want a BF who’s in a state of fear or do you want a BF who feels safe talking to you about a stag or party he attended without being judged? Trust me, I divorced an alcoholic so I ‘get it’ however I watched men I dated very closely and if there was any indication he was an alcoholic I walked. Just because of my experience I cannot expect a man to never drink or even over drink on rare occasions (birthday, stag, holiday, etc.) because it would be a really sucky relationship to be in if you have to play dictator, cop or mommy every time he attends a party or hangs out with his buds.
Again, if its not often cut him some slack and let him have some fun without any fear or judgement.December 7, 2018 at 9:42 am #731486
I think you may have misconstrued what I was saying in my post. I don’t punish him for the actions of my past, and emotional and physical abuse isn’t something you can just brush off simply as a bad experience. It leaves wounds and some people never get over what they have been through, and not everyone experiences it. I also don’t condone “Man Time” as doing drugs, having lap dances, etc. I understand what you are saying, and I do let him have his time with his friends. He doesn’t fear telling me anything, as I mentioned he made one mistake a year ago by not telling me, yet chose to tell me when we realised that we wanted to take our relationship to another level. We have a very open communicative relationship.
I understand some women are okay with accepting drugs, strip clubs, etc. However there are also a lot of women who do not accept this. And it doesn’t make them controlling and possessive. Its down to an individuals boundaries within a relationship and what they are willing to put up with. Trust me, he gets his man time a lot. He is always golfing, going to his friends, going to the pub, etc. And I never bother him when he is out. The only issue is that he lied and kept it from me. I understand why he did it, and he knows it was wrong, and I forgive him for it. Its not necessarily the fact that he goes on stag dos, I would never stop him from doing that, its the anxiety of withholding things from me now because he done it before. I have told him that if anything happens I would rather him tell me than not at all. I suppose everyone will have different opinions on this as they don’t know the full extent of the relationships and someones life just through a post. I am just more hurt that he didn’t tell me in the first place. Its easier said then done to just brush off old trauma and not let it affect you anymore, its not tarnishing someone with the same brush, trauma is a whole other level than just someone being insecure because their boyfriend cheated.December 7, 2018 at 10:17 am #731488
I dont understand why you are posting here after reading your reply to lane. You forgave him, he asked you to go, you said Yeah i trust you and now youre back to not forgiving him in the first place. Thats confusing to me.
So you say he is a great guy and from what youre saying he does look like a great guy. Kudos to you finding a great guy after your bad previous experiences. When he lied about what happened the first time, your relationship was quite new, so he left out a few parts. Not parts about cheating or anything but a stripper (he didnt order one) and doing drugs he knew you had a hard time with. When he came back, he didnt abuse you, like your previous guy did. But he did keep it from you, because he didnt want to lose the relationship i guess. Not a smart move, but again there is no dark notice here for doing so and he came clean.
Now its suddenly not in the past but brought back up because he is going to a stag party. Where he is probably not getting a lapdance and do drugs.
So my point is: Yes you have been through a rough time but at some point you have to see yourself as a survivor and a winner from getting out of it and not as a victim. Plus you even found a great man. What more do you want? I wish you all the best and hope you can overcome a victim mentality (i know this sounds aweful and by no means i mean to dismiss what happened but you also have to take pride in the fact you overcame) and not get sucked back into a dark place.December 7, 2018 at 10:18 am #731487
This is why being overtly honest never pays off in the end. He didn’t cheat. He had a stupid lap dance. Get over yourself. You said you forgive him but you really don’t. He didn’t have sex. He didn’t put you at risk and I guarantee there are plenty of other things he has not told you about in his life because some times it’s best to just leave things in the past. Especially when telling someone just ends up hurting them. I don’t know what possessed him to confess. It was selfish on his part because it made him feel better and you feel terrible. I doubt him going to a stag and telling you what happened is going to make you feel better. If you can’t get over such small things you maybe shouldn’t be in a relaitonship. I don’t see from what you wrote how your past trauma equates to your man going to a strip club. What makes it worse is that your overblown reaction is going to prevent him from being honest in the future. Who wants to go through all this because he had one night out with friends. You will never find a person that is going to be totally honest with you, that’s just life, no one is required to be an open book just because you have issues and anxiety. If you can’t get over this you should alleviate everyone’s stress, his and yours, and just move on. There is no magic bullet for not trusting, you either do or you don’t. Maybe go back for more therapy or something. You clearly aren’t healed.December 7, 2018 at 10:35 am #731489
I think if you’ve been in a relationship with an alcoholic or drug abuser, it can be hard to hear that someone you are dating was out “partying” and got out of control. It does bring back old hurts.
If it was me, I’d very honestly tell this guy that his hard core partying is really stressful for you because of your past. If your concern is that he comes home messed up and abuses you, I’d ask that he spend the night at a hotel or with a friend if he is drunk/high. Just have a ground rule of “if you feel like you are getting too drunk, just let me know where you are staying”.
If its about him maybe cheating, you need to have a frank discussion and know that you can’t prevent cheating if a man is unhappy.December 7, 2018 at 10:57 am #731491
Hi Newbie, I suppose I just feel a bit conflicted in my feelings, that is why I am posting. It was brought back up because initially he just told me about the drugs, then last weekend I asked if there were any strippers in Vegas (as his best friend loves all that) and he then told me there was, when before he hadn’t mentioned that part. Sorry I should have made that more clear in my post, I just didn’t want to ramble on too much. You are right though, and I appreciate your post. Sometimes its nice to hear from a strangers point of view constructively.
As for your comment Blu, “Get over yourself”? I didn’t post here for an argument or to be told I am stupid to feel the way that I am feeling. I simply posted to reach out to others who may have been going through this as well and could help. I am sorry you felt the need to post such a derogatory comment. It may look small to you but it isn’t to me, you can judge me all you want but I am not apologising for the way I feel about certain things. And to point out that I am clearly not healed, you can tell that all from a forum post? As I said before, I didn’t come here to argue with anyone, I just wanted some friendly advise from a website I have followed for a while hoping to see if anyone else had been feeling like this and could possibly relate. I was clearly very wrong in posting here for advice.December 7, 2018 at 11:52 am #731499
You didn’t know there was strippers in vegas?! I thought everyone knew that. Ever heard the phrase “what happens in vegas stays in vegas”?
Anyway to respond to your post, please don’t get offended by some responses. Women on here are really giving you tough love because they want you to toughen up. Your guy sounds fine to us but you’re being a downer out of something you told him you’re okay with. You are okay with him having his time but inside you feel insecure about the drugs and strippers like any girlfriend/wife would, but the fact he has been loyal with you and he is honest and you tell him you are okay with these things, so it’s not fair to him that you would deep inside wish otherwise. You are sensitive based on a horrible past you had about these things which kinda make you incompatible to be honest. Maybe you’re better off with a guy that enjoys entirely differently than your current partner. No? Then if no we cannot understand why you’re getting like this. I mean what do you want to hear exactly that will be helpful?December 7, 2018 at 12:56 pm #731514
I’m confused too by your question. I’m not sure how old you are but most bachelor parties have strippers. Especially in Vegas. He didn’t tell you, you pried it out of him for some reason. Which I don’t get.
You started off by saying how wonderful he is to you and a great boyfriend. Now you are taking one snippet of the whole realtionship and blowing it way out of proportion.
Do you really think getting a lap dance is cheating? If so, did you discuss this with him? I don’t think you should harbor resentment or fear about this knowing that it may be an occasional occurrence. Especially if you are both younger and have a lot of friends in the verge of getting married.
What kinds of drugs are you referring to? Because marijuana is legal in most states these days. And if he doesn’t do drugs as a habit, I guess you have to decide if even occasional is a deal breaker for you.
Everyone deals with bad relationships in a different way. I doubt you will see many women on here who have not experienced some type of verbal or physical abuse. No one is judging you. And you might want to better look at yourself. We can stay in victim mode and make it ruin our life, or we can move past it and just make better decisions. You are acting like a ptsd victim. One little thing sets off an out of proportion trigger in you. It’s your right to your own feelings, but if they keep you stuck that isn’t going to make you happy in life. I went thru pretty significant abuse verbal and physical for four years. That ended about 9 years ago. It’s in the past. I don’t let it ruin my future happiness or relationships.December 7, 2018 at 1:29 pm #731526
MJ22, if you are new to this forum you are probably offended by some harsh replies. You need to understand that most women here are over 40 and some had very tough lives. They became harsh and rude. They always look for a fight or trying to insult someone, even when they want to be helpful. This is their baggage, do not let it discourage you or make you feel inadequate. To them most normal female emotions are “get over yourself”. Tell them to bugger off LOL
I think you mistake was not to accept your own limitations. You wanted to be a cool girl who is ok with her man touching boobs of some hot young girls, but you are not. And this is ok. You don’t have to be like others.
Next time you need to be honest with yourself and not lie to him. Explain to him that you would have liked to feel differently but you don’t. He is a nice guy, he asked you, he told you the truth
In terms of him lying. This is not a big lie sweetheart. There is not a man on this planet who does not go to strip clubs or watches porn and masturbates. He hid it from you but then decided to be honest and tell you the truth. So there is two sides to the situation. He first lied (by omission) but then he confessed the truth. You are choosing to focus on the first one. WHY?
Understand that most men would simply lie. And you’d never know what was going on there. He didn’t. This is VERY good, he is a really good guy whom you can trust.
Agree with him that you are not really ok with him doing it, but if he can promise not to touch, but only look, and not to do drugs, you are ok with that.
If you go yourself to a strip club with someone, you’d see that it is not an emotionally charged experience. It is horniness for a short period of time, and as soon as they are out of the door, they FORGET about those trippers, there is no emotional meaning to it, just physical indulgence. Much like masturbation.
I think you should go there and face the situation with your own eyes. Find some male friends who can take you there. You’d know that it is not a big deal. In some cultures, couples go together.
Your guy is not a liar, I don’t think you have anything to worry.December 7, 2018 at 2:15 pm #731537
Most men do all this crazy stuff, they’re animalistic in nature. I bet it’s a habit he keeps hidden when possible. They also watch porn, read girlie magazines, and maybe even so far as hookers.
As much as you tell him your feelings, he will do it behind your back in secret. To me it sounds like he still wants to experience that stuff in life.
He’s not ready for a long term monogamous relationship. You will experience heartbreak and be miserable
Back your bags as soon as possible.December 7, 2018 at 2:55 pm #731551
Better off single
You told him you were okay with it. You’re really not that’s why you feel conflicted and you’re avoiding confrontation out of fear he will dump you.
If you are okay with it then let it go and find something better to do with your time to not think about it.
Ask him if he ever feels guilt after getting a lap dance or even just being there knowing he has a loyal girlfriend he hopefully wants to keep.December 7, 2018 at 3:20 pm #731556
Really Emma? Yes, we are experienced and had some tough times but we LEARNED from them and know the clear distinction between a man who engages in the RARE stag party of which is well known to have strippers, alcohol and/or drugs involved, whether in Vegas or not v. a man who doesn’t!…it’s not rocket science.
She is USING her past to put chains on this man and it’s not right no mattter how much you try to spin it. If this man is as awesome as she paints him out to be she should feel secure and safe regardless of what happens at the party…that’s the nuts and bolts of it, and yes, I’m OLD enough to know the difference LOLDecember 7, 2018 at 3:54 pm #731568
Yeah lane, you are always right and have the final say. Glad your man finally divorced after three years dating you,December 7, 2018 at 7:07 pm #731597
I appreciate the input ladies. Have a good one! 👍🏼