This topic contains 50 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Newbie 1 year, 5 months ago.
December 16, 2018 at 8:38 am #732480
Hey tonight one of my old male friends asked me to look at his dating profile on a well known dating site. I had my old one deactivated as I’ve been seeing someone for 5 months or so. We met on this dating site.
The guy that I’m dating his profile was up! So I asked him how long has it been since he was on there and he said not for a long time it’s deactivated. I showed him the screen shot, wasnt going to message him and play games. He said it’s not him, that his account is still de activated. It was showing that he was online and it is his account with his questions answered.
I just thought he was and still believe that he is lying but he was showing me screen shots of his account being deactivated and saying welcome back and no profile pic.
I kind of said that I was done. I hate dishonesty. But I think I have heard of some dating sites using de activated profiles to make it look like they have more members .
He went into freak out mode about his stolen identify and then got upset about me accusing him of being on a dating site.
I went though the profile which had the indicator light on that he was online. It was his questions and answers. When he showed me his login in on the site there was no profile pics.so it did look like his account was deactivated but this is all over text.
He ended up getting angrey via text that I was accusing him when he had to sort out how his profile was active as he is very private etc.
What do you think? Load of rubbish? There was also the fact the he seemed more upset about his information being active than loosing me. He didn’t call. I did this over text and not a call. I guess I wanted to de read what he wrote and not loose the words in my head .
Thoughts? Does this happen ? Or do you think he has been caught out?December 16, 2018 at 8:53 am #732481
well if it’s definitely not him, he’ll be happy to show you when you’re next together. Then if the other profile is ‘online’ and he’s not, you’ll be reassured.
If he’s not happy to show you…. there’s an issue.December 16, 2018 at 8:57 am #732482
Better off single
It does happen. Anyone can steal your info online. There are a lot of scammers out there.
When someone invades your privacy like that or is using your info for harm it worries the heck out of you. I don’t blame him for being the way he was.
Your boyfriend did everything to prove his innocence. I don’t understand why you’re mad.December 16, 2018 at 9:32 am #732483
T from NY
I would be just as upset as you are. Though I would attempt to get myself calm and centered and speak to him again (over the PHONE) from a quiet, curious place, not angry or panicked. Before that — and while alone — I think it’s fair to ask yourself what else had made you suspicious or you wouldn’t have looked to see if his profile was still up in the first place — irregardless of you helping your single friend. Is it your past traumas? Or has some other behavior he’s exhibited made you question him?
Of course you should keep in mind that — if there’s ever a next time something like this happens, with your current boyfriend or someone else, to HOLD OFF texting. Get yourself as together as you can and ask to speak to the guy in person. Body language can tell you a lot. As well as you missed the opportunity where you could have asked him to hand over his phone and open the dating app right in front of you.
IF this guy is telling the truth I think it is reasonable that he’s more concerned about his stolen information. It would mean he’s not as worried about you because he knows he’ll get the info to show you none of this is his fault. I think you should apologize for overreacting. Tell him you want to speak about this calmly. That you will of course be requiring proof of all he’s saying — but that you let your emotions and insecurities run away from you and it wasn’t fair to him.
I for one dont believe profiles are stolen that often. I do think in most instances the man is lying. But it still needs to be found out, talked through and proven. Because if it was the other way around — you would want the same treatment from your partner.December 16, 2018 at 9:41 am #732484
First of all, I don’t beleive YOUR lie about why you logged into the dating site. You just posted a question a few days ago about why this man doesn’t appear to have interest in your work and look up your career info online. So for you to all of a sudden say you went online to check someone else’s profile, that’s a flat out lie IMO. And one you guy can see right through too.
I think the last thing people do are steal people’s online profiles. A picture, yes, not a whole profile. I don’t know if he is lying or not, I’m not familiar with dating websites and how they work. I do know you acted way too brash and should not have done this over text.
You said you only see him once a week and this is LDR. Couple that with the fact that after three months the pace should be increasing not staying the same. You may not be on the same page where this is headed or not. I think that’s why you checked his profile. Next time you see him, if you do, time to ask where this is going for him. Once a week is pretty casual especially if you aren’t integrating into each other’s lives. And his lack of interest about you personally. I’m not suggesting everyone should do background checks, but your main concern is he isn’t even interested in you and your accomplishments or knowing you on that level.December 16, 2018 at 10:30 am #732486
In your other thread called why isn’t he curious? You indicated that he gets upset when people look online and check people out online. He finds it intrusive. So not sure why, you are surprised he would be upset that you looked him up online. You knew this bothers him and he said turns him off. I agree with T that this should have been handled much differently and done in person. No one likes to be outright accused and for all you know it may have been a dating site glitch. I don’t know why women jump and react, then come on here trying to do damage control after the fact.December 16, 2018 at 11:41 am #732490
I agree that you missed an opportunity to get your proof right away. Jumping the gun is never smart.
But I do not believe in “stolen profiles” that are still active. He probably has several profiles.
You must have other reasons to react the way you did. So go with your gut. When we override our gut feeling, this is when we get in trouble.
A guy who was NOT lying would understand why you are upset and would try to convince you. Instead he went on the offensive getting angry, this reaction is typical of liars who got caught. Besides men who lie know how to lie, so they’d put up a show quite easily.
If you already had issues with this dude, like others are saying, and he feels his privacy is violated when someone googles his name (duh!), then he has profiles stolen…c’mon…do not be taken for a fool.
If he wants to remain together, tell him to give you proof. He would need to figure out how to do that. Be firm and stand your ground.December 16, 2018 at 12:55 pm #732495
Thank you for your responses .
Yes I do have trauma over this my ex Husband of 20 +years was cheating on me with girls online and lying straight to my face about it, very convincing, what he didn’t know was that I had concrete proof about it. There was spy ware on there. He left me with close to a break down with all of his gaslighting
This guy also used the same convincing language eg how could I be online when I’m taking to you right now. Do you think I have time? Etc he also turned the tables on mr telling me that he can’t believe he is being accused when sonthing is happening to him. He has also said he has had his photo stolen a lot. But given that he isn’t your typically handsome guy I find this a bit strange. If it was his photo and a different profile then yes but it just looks like he has activated his account again.
It’s the exact same dating profile that I met him with. So the only explication was that the site has re activated his profile though one of the things that he said was when he had it he put his age younger by 2 years and now it’s showing his real age.
I feel that he is lying. Yes maybe I was harsh but I don’t like deception. Some of you might remember this is the guy that found and kept my earring refusing to give it back as it was mine and he wanted to keep a part of me.
And I guess this is also the guy that lives in the same house as his wife that he is seperated from, calls himself single.
I have felt like he has pushed the disbelief boundaries a few times.
The thing is I have had a lot of flags and gut feelings with this guy and I push them aside.December 16, 2018 at 1:04 pm #732496
Omg lil. Seriously? You were advised the man was a freak when you posted about the earring. You were warned about his living arrangement and here you are yet again wondering why he is acting weird, appears to be cheating and has no interest in your life. He only sees you once a week but only lives an hour away. How much more evidence do you need? I would say you didn’t learn much from your last man because you have seen bad signs with this man all along and got great advice that you kept ignoring.
I think you know this isn’t going anywhere because it just gets worse and worse.
I think you need to break this off and I think you need to evaluate your ability to shut down men like this who are bad news. This has only been five months and omg i don’t see where any of that has been fun when you have posted only about problems and this is supposed to be the fun phase of dating.
AND to add to insult, he is not only living with the ex in the same house, but they aren’t even divorced yet?. Jesus!December 16, 2018 at 1:07 pm #732497
It’s time to stop pushing them aside now. Break it off conpletely. Tell him whether it was him who activated his profile or not, you can’t see yourself trusting him like you should be. And it’s best to end it.
This guy has been bringing you so much flags and wonders and heartache over time, it’s not working out right. why do you keep seeing him?December 16, 2018 at 1:15 pm #732498
Yes Beth , I have wanted to break things off with this guy but I don’t seem to be able to break things off. I have issues with assertiness and this is why I think I confronted him
Right away and not in person when I can more easily be manipulated.
I think it’s the fear that I’m over reacting or might be missing out.December 16, 2018 at 1:21 pm #732500
Regardless of the website. The guy was creepy and manipulative about thr jewlery thing and lives with his still wife. He is only separated, correct? It’s very likely this man is still with the wife and seeing women like you in the side who live a good distance from his home. Don’t you see this?December 16, 2018 at 1:27 pm #732501
No it hasn’t been fun for a lot of it, and yes I struggle to shut guys down. I haven’t been as keen to catch up lately but for the life of me I could bring myself to say it’s not working for me, he on the other hand was still super keen.
I believe that he activated his account again and is blame shifting and then turning it on me. Even if he didn’t activate his account again it’s a good exit for me. One that I feel is long over due. I still have this am I doing the right thing though.December 16, 2018 at 1:30 pm #732503
You haven’t answered the question. Is this man still married?December 16, 2018 at 1:33 pm #732504
Yes I do see this. I have been far too accepting of things. But his wife knows does about me.
But he went from seperated to the house is for my children only which implies they take it in turns in be the one parent to live in the house with them.
To we live in a different parts of the house.
To both parents do everything with the children like weekend things together like pool trips, park visits. They do it all together as a family, he was very misleading and I felt like I had slowly be revealed the truth.
He maintains that he sleeps in a different room.December 16, 2018 at 1:36 pm #732505
Yes he is married. But he and his wife date other people. His profile said single. I questioned him on this he said he feels that he and his wife are not together.
At the time my divorce was not finalised and he pointed this out to me but I said we live in seperate houses and don’t do activities together.December 16, 2018 at 1:46 pm #732506
Lil, you need to get out of this crap NOW. They livetogether. You don’t see how they live. They could have an open relationship. You already got advice on all of this. Have you met this ‘non wife’ of his to verify his story? Use your head!
I’m sorry but this is so unbelievable that you know all this is wrong and you can’t break away? From what? A married man who admits he dates other women? And I say women because I’m sure you aren’t the only one. And I’m sure he has multiple dating profiles.
You are still married? Please stop dating and spend time healing yourself and getting emotionally stronger. You just jumped from one abusive man to another. Literally. This LDR guy is using you, gas lighting you, cheating with you and probably also on you.
This now makes total sense why he doesn’t like people searching him online and isn’t interested in learning more about you outside of a weekly sex date. Please wake up. I don’t see what this man could possibly say to keep you hanging around unless all you want right now is an unavailable man who wants a fwb.December 16, 2018 at 1:46 pm #732507
If Nothing else, be concerned about your health if you aren’t using condoms. Guaranteed this man isn’t monogamous. At best he is still doing the wife, at worst he is doing other women since he admits his wife allows him to date and sex other women.December 16, 2018 at 1:53 pm #732508
Aren’t you the “isn’t he curious” lady?
He probably reactivated his profile after you looked him up since it bothered him. Not to mention all this about him still being married, and it is a bucket of red flags. You clearly don’t trust him, and relationships cannot exist without trust.December 16, 2018 at 2:04 pm #732510
I’m now divorced. But yes that is what I have done. What I wanted was a on going relationship with someone that was casual but monogomus. This is what he told me he was after before I disclosed what I wanted.
I have been in his house with his wife home but we have not met. It was just getting too weird for me.
He texts me morning and night still. So I’m
Half expecting him to text me again and the other half is expecting him not to.
Do you think the dating site situation is a lie?
He isn’t really online but has a LinkedIn account which shows that he started a job a year earlier than he said he did.
When I met him he told me he was being interviewed for the position that LinkedIn said he started exactly a year before that. Was there an employment gap or did he lie to me about the interview and first week? I never got up he courage to ask. Though I find it strange that with the first week he took a whole day off to spend with me.December 16, 2018 at 2:06 pm #732511
Maggie he can’t have known I looked him up. It was a public profile found when I googled. He can’t see that I saw it I don’t have a LinkedIn accountDecember 16, 2018 at 2:16 pm #732512
You don’t trust him. Period. And expecting a man who still lives with his wife to be monagomous is just plain foolish. Of course they still have sex. There is no divorce pending and they have an open relaitonship. Not sure how open since he didn’t introduce you to her, so he could have said you were just some platonic friend stopping by. You don’t know.
Why can’t you find a man who is actually single and local if all you want is a casual affair? There are plenty of men who would be fine with a monogamous short term fwb situation. Stay away from married men and men who act and seem sketchy. As well as LDR. And why did you care if this man looked up your career info if all you want is casual? Casual means casual. It means he only has limited interest and investment in you. Depending on the guy, he may care less about your life and focused only on his own or what you can bring to it.
I think this man is going to drop you if he found another woman. You are getting to be too difficult with your queries and searching his online profile. If he is married and ‘dating’ he isn’t looking for another woman to give him a hard time or start having expectations.
It doesn’t sound like this is really the type of relationship you want. You said in your other post you only see him once a week and are going slow. That isn’t how you describe a casual relationship. Casual means no strings, no expectations, you hook up when you are able. There is no slow because it isn’t going to turn into anything especially when the man is married and living with his wife.December 16, 2018 at 2:52 pm #732518
Yes I did say slow but I guess I didn’t want people to focus on why only once a week.
It was casual but he was twice of more daily messaging with me. Lots of family and kids picks I guess he treated me like a close friend that kept tabs on me.
I didn’t ever expect to be in a full on relationship with him but that is what I’m used to. I wanted the relationship to be fun and an escape for both of us, I didn’t put any demands on him. But he was bringing things down a bit with his work on home life venting.
He was put out that I wouldn’t let him lend be a large sum of money to pay off my ex husband. I wanted to get a bank loan but he kept saying no I’ll lend it to you don’t pay interest. This felt like an empty gesture to me and insane if it wasn’t. I can look after myself but he was most certainly put out. I have no idea what that was about. But felt that if I did use his money then I would be tied to him even more so.
I found it a bit unbelievable that they didn’t sleep together but he was very insistent that they didn’t and annoyed that I didn’t believe him.
I’m A very strong woman who becomes very vounerable inside of a relationship.
I’m thinking but what if it’s true about his profile.December 16, 2018 at 2:56 pm #732519
I also said to him about the dating site that I have no claim on him I’m not his wife or girlfriend but we had agreed on eclisive dating and sex. I don’t like deception and I’m not ok with him being on a dating site.December 16, 2018 at 3:08 pm #732520
From the various things you’ve said it’s obvious he thinks of this as casual, and you were hoping it might progress. I’m not judging – I’ve been there as have many of us.
Whatever the truth of the matter this is making you anxious, and if there’s more angst than awesome, you should end it for your own sanity.