This topic contains 7 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by L 3 days, 6 hours ago.
January 12, 2019 at 6:54 am #735856
I’ve met a great guy. He’s loving, kind, gentile and considerate. He would look after me, be loyal and never cheat. He’s 38 and I’m 35. He’s divorced and I’ve never married.
I want marriage and kids and I’m worried I’ll run out of time but I’m not prepared to settle. A seven year relationship ended almost two years ago. I’ve had a couple of short relationships since but can’t seem to find the one.
So, this new guy and I have been dating for a month. We have seen each other five occasions. Long distance (2.5 hour drive). We’ve had a couple of sleep overs but no sex or anything more than kissing and cuddling.
I like him but I feel like something is missing. I’m trying to make myself like him because on paper he’s a lot of the things I want in a partner.
Crucially, though, we have hardly anything in common. He doesn’t have any hobbies other than the gym , which doesn’t interest me. So conversation is stilted and I find I am making small talk with a stranger a lot of the time. I have a very pleasant time when I’m with him and the kissing is good! But when we aren’t kissing like teenagers on the sofa, I don’t feel there’s any depth.
Our conversations are led by me and I find it exhausting. If our interactions were a football match, I’d have possession of the ball 90% of the time. He is just very shy in his nature which I did find attractive at first. I said I’d see him a few more times to see if he came out of his shell and get more commanding. He has a bit.
Now, my feeling is this… Something is not there for me and I don’t know why. He is a nice man and would take care of me, but is that enough?
I am terrified of being alone. He has declared his feelings for me and I know 100% where I stand, unlike the last guy I dated who was a commitmentphobe.
Do any of you have any kind words of advice for what I can do?
Am I over thinking things?
Pegs xJanuary 12, 2019 at 10:27 am #735859
If you want marriage and kids and you feel you are running out of time, then you need to date more guys and say farewell to the ones that dont feel like a good match.
This guy you only had 5 dates with and he lives 1.5 hour away and youre not feeling it. Even if you stick with him, you cant be sure, he will stay around, since its been only one month. So i would Thank him for his time and move on.January 12, 2019 at 10:30 am #735860
Hi-I think you want a relationship,so you are searching to make the wrong shoe fit. This guy is not for you. He may be nice and a “good catch” but it sounds like you are not naturally compatible. You are “doing most of the work”.
I would stop this now before sex enters the picture-then you may feel bonded and attracted to the passion ( if it is good) and forget that he is not a good match.
Do not try to make this work- the “missing element” will not suddenly appear. You have time to meet the right guy and have kids. Or meet a guy with kids that you can help with. Or adopt with him. Or have a baby on your own if you can afford ir–lots of options-don’t “settle”-unfair to you and unfair to him if you are not all in…January 12, 2019 at 10:32 am #735861
I once had a guy like that , very few words… I was not sure whether he is just few words in front of me, or he is like that w everyone
Any way, I made the efforts to find topic for a little while, and stopped… once I stopped, the two is us would fall into silence A LOT…he disappeared quickly and I did not bother to contact him either
So stop your exhausting effort and see what happens… you will find your answer quicklyJanuary 12, 2019 at 11:06 am #735864
If you are running out of time, do not waste it on this dude. This is who he is. Move on asap, you can’t be spending a year on a guy. You need to determine whether he is a potential or not without 2-3 months. I don’t believe in multi-dating, but if you are running out of time, this is what you need to do. Meet as many men as you can. You are saying you don’t want to settle, so decide what the deal breakers are for you. Do not settle on those, but be more flexible on other things.
Do not stay for 7 years with a man for “free”!! Gosh, poor women. Now you are in a hurry, and understandably so, your ex however is totally fine. he has extra 15 years to start a family.January 12, 2019 at 2:25 pm #735878
Players and musicians
He will work it off at the gym. He isn’t what you want. He will get over you.
Never settle always select.January 12, 2019 at 5:10 pm #735880
T from NY
Many of us have tried this. Dating the guy who “looks good on paper”. I even married one. It was a distaster. A long term partner has to check 3 boxes – physical, emotional and intellectual. If anything is missing in any of the three — there will be struggle and some unhappiness.
Intellectually he is not what you need. And thereby — he cannot be emotionally what can make you happy forever. If you were really feeling it — the distance would make you crazy.
I don’t mean to be insensitive — but believe me, as women — most of us could find “some man” who would want to lock us down, who was good natured, and would take care of us. But that is NOT what love is all about. Love means you can’t wait to be with them, can’t get enough and you feel very, very fortunate. It’s also unkind to him to stay together knowing what you do. It’s okay. You’ve been figuring it out. But now that you know — free him, and yourself. The right one will come.January 12, 2019 at 5:48 pm #735881
A five hour round trip for a man you aren’t even into?