Something doesn’t feel right


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  • #885879 Reply
    Anna

    So I met this guy through our mutual friends. He started contacting me after our friend party and we seem to have a lot in common. When we met up on our first date I notice that he dress up really casual which is alright I didn’t mind that, but on our third date before the day he text me to say that he will need to get a hair cut before dinner. He said his been really busy with work and other commitments and haven’t had time to get his hair cut. I thought it was a bit weird but I told him it’s fine. When he picked me up I noticed he haven’t even shaved and just look messy. He went and got his hair cut, I waited for him, then we had dinner. The night was good, he talked a lot and during our conversation he told me that he want to take things slow cause of bad experience from previous dating. I was fine with that since I didn’t want to rush things either, but the whole night even when we walk back to the car he didn’t even try and hold my hands.

    I feel a bit confuse about the situation. I though the first few dates you suppose to impress the other person and try to look your best, but I didn’t think he try at all. He talk to me like his talking to one of his friend, there were no flirting or anything, didn’t try to hold my hand or be close to me. He said that he is interested in me but somehow I just don’t feel it.

    Am I thinking too much? Should I give us more time to see if things improve?

    #885883 Reply
    Raven

    He’s ‘going slow…’

    Date him, don’t get attached…

    #885973 Reply
    Zoe

    people who like you don Not want to take things slow.

    #885993 Reply
    Erin

    Well a guy once advised me that if a man dresses up like he’s gardening or going for a baseball match for a first date then he’s not really interested in impressing you or just doesn’t care.

    Because let’s face it, everyone dresses up and grooms themselves for a first date, you don’t have to dress to the nines but you make effort to look presentable, even smell good.

    I don’t mind a man with stubble personally or a bit of shaggy hair but it always shows when he puts effort, look at soccer players,they have a crazy hair and beard season but they always look groomed.

    Generally men who use their past relationship issues as a tag line on first dates almost always prove to be problematic when it comes to emotional availability. As for me when a guy waxes lyrical about how their exes were terrible people I put a question mark.

    I’d say watch what he does, not what he says. It’s understandable that first dates are a hit and miss sometimes and you can give a person the benefit of the doubt but like Raven said don’t get too attached too soon just date him and see where it goes then make a decision.

    #886161 Reply
    Maddie

    I disagree that people who like you don’t want to take things slow. Those looking for a very serious relationship may want to properly get to know you. As long as they’re consistent and seeing you regularly and slowly escalating and not using slowness to make excuses to stay distant and excuse emotional unavailability, it’s fine for early dating. The issue is with lukewarm men who are hot and cold and inconsistent and non-committal with no end in sight, who refuse to talk about any budding relationship intentions after a couple months, and who are either too forward with sex or make zero effort towards physical touch over several dates.

    In the case of this guy, he sounds rather socially awkward. How would you gauge his overall maturity and social skills? Does he seem like he could be on the spectrum at all? If he is, this all may not mean much more than that, and then it’s up to you to decide if you like a guy like that or it’s not a good match. If he’s not affectionate to the point you don’t feel his interest, you may simply be incompatible with different needs. If his hygiene is bad now, it won’t get better, and you’re incompatible.

    If it is all just an excuse to not put in effort because of baggage from his past relationship that he still hasn’t dealt with, then he’s probably not actually ready to date yet and if you like him you should proceed with caution until his emotional availability and interest is clear.

    What Erin said here is good to keep in mind as well: “Generally men who use their past relationship issues as a tag line on first dates almost always prove to be problematic when it comes to emotional availability. As for me when a guy waxes lyrical about how their exes were terrible people I put a question mark.” I’d even say talking down exes is a red flag not question mark, doubly so if they take no responsibility for the bad dynamic, triply so if it comes out on the first couple dates!

    #886272 Reply
    Rox

    He sounds like he wasn’t in the mood for a date.
    I don’t understand why he made you wait while he was getting a hair cut. Why not just meet after he did got that part out of the way. Maybe the question is, are you interested in him?
    Too early to tell what’s going on with him. .

    #886368 Reply
    Anna

    Something else been bothering me as well. It seem every time he suggested something to do it never actually happen. Last week he send me a trailer for a movie and ask if I’m interested and if I am we will go and see it. I replied yeah it looks good let’s go. But since then nothing happen. Another time he asked me if I’ve been to this food place and I said I haven’t been. He said we should go, we plan a date to go after work but when it closer to the day he said can we do something else since he need to be home early to babysit his nephew. Since then he mentioned about the food place again but we still never go.

    He asked me a few weeks ago what I would like to do, and I said I want to go bowling but prefer during the weekend since we never been on a date during the weekend before. He said that sounds good and he will try and see what he can do. But since then nothing is happening, no plan or even a date organise. I feel unless I push for things it won’t happen, but I don’t want to look like I’m needy either.

    I’m trying not to get too attach since it’s only been 2 months but I feel I’m starting to invest more into this. I like how he always try to ask me what I like to do and try to accommodate for my interest but I just don’t know why it just never happen. I know his busy and I shouldn’t be upset but I just feel really upset about it.

    #886394 Reply
    Maddie

    You’re upset because your expectations aren’t being met. Expectations that he’s setting for you! You have every right to be upset if this happens often, it isn’t needy.

    With the additional info, he sounds like he likes you well enough but is “off” as your instincts have already said, either not ready for an actual relationship or socially awkward with ADD or on the spectrum or something. Whatever it is, it doesn’t matter, all that matters is you want a boyfriend (eventually) who will follow through and he doesn’t. You might need to let this one go due to incompatibility, but you can try to communicate first. Don’t stand on ceremony of following the “rules,” tell him you feel he has great ideas for plans but often doesn’t follow through to make them happen, and you would enjoy having them scheduled to look forward to. And then listen to his response and see what he does. If he doesn’t fix it, you have your answer, it’s not what you want. If he pulls away, you’re not losing out because he doesn’t show up ready for dates or follow through on most of them anyway.

    This is what dating is for and why it’s good not to decide to commit to a relationship until you know someone better. As you’re getting to know him better, you’re finding issues. That’s okay, it means you’re doing dating properly.

    #886404 Reply
    Megan

    My boyfriend and I have been dating 3 years and we’re living together. I’m almost 27 and I just got into Grad school, I know that eventually in life I want to get married and have kids. I also know that I love him dearly. But for some reason I feel bored, like I’m constantly wanting new things? New house with a yard and an 8 foot fence, a dog, a wedding, kids, trips over seas, I keep coming up with stuff that I think I need/I want/sounds good, but I have a strong feeling that this is just momentary boredom/me being in my 20’s and something I need to grow out of. I just don’t know how to shake it and I’ve always felt like breaking up would be a dramatic as well as tragic move. Any advice from those who’ve been in the same boat?

    #886449 Reply
    Erin

    Anna

    I take back what I said about just going with the flow after additional information.

    Constantly making plans and then canceling them or future faking is a dating red flag in additional to talking about his ex.

    He is not really interested, find someone who is.

    #886451 Reply
    Erin

    Megan

    If you want that stuff, you have to work for it and I hope you are working for it and not expecting a man to do all this for you. It’s okay to want more from life, it’s okay to date up because of finances but it’s also good to be realistic. Don’t expect someone to give to give you a life you aren’t willing to give yourself.

    #886884 Reply
    Anna

    Thank you for all your advice and perspective on my situation. I think I might have to end it with him even though I’m feeling really sad just thinking about not being able to talk to him anymore. I do like him a lot but just feel really tired of waiting for him to put more effort, make me feel like I’m asking too much.

    We suppose to meet up for dinner after work tonight, but when we were video chatting last night he said he hasn’t book anything so maybe let just cancel the date, he got some work he has to do anyway. I was really upset and told him that he need to manage his time better and don’t plan a date with me and then cancel it last minute. I think I was being a bit mean, but I was just really disappointed. He got upset at me for being upset since his not canceling the date for his friends, it just he got work he need to get done. We’re not talking to each other right now, his not msging me and I just feel so mad right now to try and solved the situation. I really don’t know what to do, I feel letting go might be the best option, but just so hard to do.

    #886961 Reply
    Er

    Anna

    Sorry girl, flakers always have ‘work’ to attend to which always conveniently comes last minute after planning a date. Everything about him screams that he’s not really interested in this whole shindig. Breaking up is hard and sometimes scary but you also need a relationship where your needs are being met. I think it’s a good thing to be unapologetic about wanting better

    #887199 Reply
    Maddie

    I think you did the right thing. He got mad at you that he couldn’t manage his own time well. This wasn’t a last minute work emergency that came up, he told you the day before he just hadn’t bothered making the reservation and maybe he should just work instead. Sounds like you’ve had enough time to observe that this is his established pattern. Take some time to get over it, but I’m sure you’ll eventually find a guy who is more reliable and a better match!

    #887416 Reply
    Melanie

    Leave him. I have a feeling he has a girlfriend or he seen someone else.

    But beside that. A man who is interested will do anything to spend time with you.

    But if you wanna continue seen him:
    Don’t ignore his calls or text if you really like him.
    Don’t be too available. Say you already have plans for that day he’s asking. Tell him you have Saturday afternoon available. And if Sat comes and he cancels. Make it seem you forgot and already going out for lunch with a friend.
    Don’t text or call him. Let him do that. Not you. Keep yourself busy.
    Don’t plan any dates with him. Even if he cancel Don’t make suggestions. That’s his job rn.
    You must show him you’re not interested. But be nice and sweet. Avoid any form of drama or overthinking.

    #887840 Reply
    Anna

    Since that small fight we had where he didn’t msg me and I was too mad to msg him, he still didn’t msg me until today. He send me a msg just to say he doesn’t think his ready for a relationship and me being upset at him made he really think about the whole situation.

    I have thought about breaking it off with him but now that he did it first, it make me feel so heartbroken. It’s like, I’ve been so patience with him and keep wanting to give him chances, but just because I finally show that I am upset and stood my ground, he no longer want to date me. I am really hurt by this. I know I’m not in love with him but why do I feel so heartbroken? I really like him and thought we had a connection, thought he really like me too but this just happen. I don’t know what to think anymore. How can you believe what a guy say if he can easily just walk away after saying his interested.

    #887848 Reply
    Maddie

    I’m sorry you’re still hurting over this, but getting rid of him no matter who initiated the end is for the best! It sounds like you’re upset because you invested, and you felt you had to give him chance after chance because he never showed you he was fully in it. But you hoped you could prove to him you were worth his effort, and he’d show you you have high value by changing. So him neither reciprocating your effort nor “choosing” you probably feels like you’re not enough. This isn’t true, though, not at all. Don’t let a guy define your worth, do it yourself. Plus, he’s not ready for a relationship, and pretty much any woman he gets into one with any time soon is going to be tolerating his same lack of effort. That’s not a dynamic that makes you happy, and you deserve more! But he did show you who he is (whether that’s not emotionally available due to baggage or simply awkward and unwilling to put in effort besides some nice words) from the beginning.

    This whole situation has been about you pursuing potential not what’s in front of you, and it never materializing, leaving you extra disappointed. Give it some time in no contact, be patient with yourself because it’s okay to feel sad and frustrated it didn’t work out, but I think you’ll feel a lot better and find a much better guy down the road if you let this one go. You respected yourself by communicating your needs, that’s good! Just don’t invest in potential next time. Waiting until the next guy has consistently shown the effort you deserve for at least a couple months as you get to know each other helps you choose better partners. Guys can say plenty and not back it up with action, and you shouldn’t get too involved as those guys may just walk away. Good riddance to them! But a guy who earns your trust because his actions and words align over time as your connection builds organically creates a better foundation for a relationship to form, and those are the ones who will weigh your needs to be on par with their own and consider both of you when making decisions.

    I used to choose to date low effort and tepid men and stick around way too long for that, kicking myself down when it didn’t work out. It took an embarrassingly long time of dating to learn to change this. Choosing men who are fully available and truly looking for a relationship eventually with a compatible match makes a world of difference!

    #887854 Reply
    Lane

    Take this as a dating lesson. Do not ‘hang around’ for a guy to get his act together. If his act isn’t together from date one, and putting his best foot forward, always, then you step out so to avoid this problem. I understand its hard when you like a guy but when a man shows you how much of a flake he is, its never a good dating strategy to keep dating Mr. Flake!

    This is how we learn, grow, and weed out the ‘time wasters early in the process so you don’t get stuck on a dead beat. You’ll get better as you navigate the dating field, and sing this anytime you have doubt “Know when to hold em, know when to fold them, know when to walk away, know when to run.” Its a Kenny Loggins song you should listen to, and adhere to :o)

    #889721 Reply
    Anna

    Thank you so much for your advices, reading them make me feel a lot better about the whole situation. It has help me understand a lot more about dating and understand my own feelings as well. I was blaming myself and thinking there was something wrong with me for a while since all the guys that have dated always seem to leave even when I was being patience with them. Now I feel a lot better and stop blaming myself.

    I haven’t been in contact with him since he broke it off, but notice he still watches my post and stories. There are times when I really wanted to text him but held myself back. I am feeling a lot better now, however there are still time where I randomly feel sad and then wonder if things would of been different if we didn’t have that fight. I do try not to go into that ‘what if’. I hope in time I can move on and be ok if I see him at a mutual friend party.

    #890276 Reply
    Aruna

    Just need some logical feedback

    #890278 Reply
    Aruna

    Help!

    #890279 Reply
    Aruna

    Help!

    #890347 Reply
    Lane

    Anna, I know it sucks when someone doesn’t like you back but do you really want to be with that person? HELL NO! You want to wait for the man who’s ALL IN, from the get go, and stays all in as that is ‘the ultimate goal’ you should put at the top of your priority list. Trust me, you will meet him, and when you do, it will be the OPPOSITE of what you’ve experienced thus far.

    I dated a countless number of men, many I entered into a relationship with, and broke up with pretty quickly because they weren’t my person. Hold out for the right guy, not just ‘any guy’ and you will be so glad you didn’t waste so much time on the losers :o)

    Raise the bar, don’t put up with laziness, flakiness, or any man who doesn’t have a high level of standards!

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