This topic contains 19 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by anon 6 months, 1 week ago.
March 12, 2018 at 11:33 pm #692774
I’m 33 and my boyfriend is 35. We’ve been together 8 months. We had a talk this weekend and he said he doesn’t feel the way he did in the beginning of our relationship. I do agree that it’s gotten boring. A routine I guess you could say. He said maybe we jumped into staying with each other too fast. Right away, we went to I stay with him the whole week my two boys are not with me. He said he likes to be alone. He also told me that if he had enough money, he’d move to a lake cabin and be a bachelor forever. That relationships are weird to him because he just likes to be alone so much. But then he said sometimes he sees couples and wants to try it. He said 3/4 of him wants to try to make things work. To get back to how we were in the beginning. But then 1/4 of him doesn’t because then he could be alone. We’ve agreed to me only staying 2 days during the week and then on Saturday and Sundays to give him more alone time. I truly do love him and if we need to go our separate ways, it will be one of the hardest things I’ve done. We’ve had so many great times together, vacation, our little traditions we have….I just can’t imagine not having that with him. But then there’s the other side of me that just wished he wanted more. Years from now, am I going to regret not getting married and having more kids? Am I still going to be “just the girlfriend” seeing him a few days a week, when he decides it’s ok and he doesn’t need to be alone that day? He has made it very clear he never wants to get married or have kids. I’m just so confused on whether I should stick it out or move on.March 12, 2018 at 11:39 pm #692775
It really only matters what YOU want…March 13, 2018 at 12:02 am #692777
T from NY
Oh I hope to dear heaven you listen to the advice that will be given to you.
Let me explain why. Whether you choose to accept this advice or go through LOADS more hurt is up to you.
—The things he was telling you are what’s called a SOFT BREAKUP. He was attempting to get YOU to leave because he’s not courageous enough to set you free even though HE KNOWS he is NOT ALL IN. The 1/4 of him that feels conflicted is his body because of course he doesn’t want to give up regular sex and companionship.
—People who tell you they would rather live in the boondocks then with other humans are usually incredibly self absorbed, have incredible intimacy issues or are narcissists. These kind of people enjoy being with themselves more than anyone else because they are UNINTERESTED in INVESTING fully in others.
—Eight months in and you are already over the honeymoon stage?? When a honeymoon stage ends this soon — that’s your cue he ain’t for you!! I agree that spending whole weeks together was not the best thing to do. But I am still a firm believer that if the man is RIGHT FOR YOU things will continue to progress despite unwise decisions made because there will be INVESTMENT by the man and open communication between two healthy partners. But yes DO be aware for your next relationship that it’s the woman’s job to pace the relationship. Do NOT dwell on choices you made here. Just learn that pacing helps YOU as much as the man figure out how you feel and IF the man is worthy of you.
—You are still young!! Universe willing — you have still have decades left on this earth to live! Of course you can imagine a life without this guy!! You already had one before you met him.
—LOVE yourself more than this. Do not EVER be with anyone who is not totally over the moon for you. Read Ask Polly @ The Cut Magazine online and visit the site Baggage Reclaim to find numerous articles I’m sure will describe your partner to a tee!
If you’re wondering how I can speak to you with such certainty — I married a man when I was much younger than you who said some of the VERY SAME things to me. I was not smart. I stayed with him all of my 20s, all my 30s. Twenty years of not real love. The only reason it lasted that long was because I didn’t think I deserved to be loved AND he was gone all the time. Being alone traveling, hiking, living another life apart from me. It was miserable.
Now 3 years post divorce he is still the same intimacy-problem-riddled person. I wish I had known then what I know now. That life is precious and you deserve to be happy with your partner NOW. And that real love does exist. DO NOT settle ever.March 13, 2018 at 12:12 am #692778
” real love does exist.”
@ T from NY
I am looking for a unicorn that can sing negro spirituals. I bet that I find my unicorn before any woman finds ‘real love’.March 13, 2018 at 1:08 am #692780
You know.. It might be a good idea if someone will contact Eric on his Facebook page and see if he is willing to get Stephen aka many alias off this site.
I am not on Facebook, but Eric mentioned in his post about closing down the site to contact him about trolls… Aka Stephen.March 13, 2018 at 1:17 am #692781
I think one thing would be you hung out too much and maybe need a few days off, a whole another thing is him not wanting a real relationship and wanting to live in the boonies by himself as a life long bachelor. I agree with T, this man is not relationship material. he will manufacture all kinds of issues to create distance between you two. It’s up to you to end it, because he will have you where he wants you in no time an you will feel unhappy in this relationship. Better endue the withdrawal and unhappiness of a breakup now than stay in this relationship with a gnawing feeling of lack of fulfillment.March 13, 2018 at 5:19 am #692789
He has already tried it and it does not work for him. Leave now or face more and more hurt.March 13, 2018 at 10:59 am #692803
T from NY
I get that my post was very direct. It is just my opinion.
But @SG what I meant by “real love” existing is – love and affection with a man that is EMOTIONALLY AVAILABLE. Who WANTS connection with a woman and is happy to give it to her and invest in a shared future. THAT is what real, adult, mature and healthy love is.March 13, 2018 at 11:13 am #692807
I think SG needs to go live in the boonies with no internet connection!!
Real love does exist, I’ve found it and so have most of my friends and family. That’s why I stay on here. The majority of people on this site are here because of a breakup, relationship issues, abuse, cheating, etc. I found this place for the same reason after a breakup but I also found the man of my dreams and married him! So don’t let the fact 90% of the people on this site are down on love and relationships in general make you think you won’t find the love of your life. If you want marriage and children then leave this guy and go for your dreams. He’s not going to change and he’s already pulling away from you. He’s clearly saying you’re not the one for him. The question is are you going to listen?March 13, 2018 at 11:13 am #692808
He’s being honest with u. U need to decide what u want. If it ends, be grateful that u know how love feels and for the time u spent with him. Keep your heart open too because when one door closes, another opens. U deserve a man who is crazy about u!! This one is just not all in.March 13, 2018 at 11:59 am #692812
I couldn’t stay with someone who clearly told me they’d lost feelings for me and their heart was no longer all in the relationship. Especially one that says given the choice, he’d be alone in a log cabin! It would destroy my self esteem and make me feel constantly rejected.
What if you compromise yourself and stay with him, only for him to get an inheritance or something? He’s already told you he’d be off in that situation.
You can never get back what you have in the beginning because that’s dominated by the excitement of getting to know someone, infatuation and heaps of chemicals. Once you know someone better, you lose that forever.
I know you have made wonderful memories with him, but remember he hasnt been happy. What you’ve been doing so far in your relationship hasn’t worked for him.
I have a feeling you’ll give this a try and he’ll realise in time the feelings he had at the start aren’t coming back. I think it would be better to walk away now with your self esteem in tact, rather than dragging this on for weeks or months and making yourself miserable. I’m sorry but he’s just not relationship material.March 13, 2018 at 12:09 pm #692814
Hi Jessica-sorry,but I agree with the others that you should cut your losses now. In my experience-a man who truly loves you, wants,needs to be with you more and more-not less and less. Find a guy that wants to be “all in” and can’t get enough of you!March 13, 2018 at 3:20 pm #692845
If you do not listen to him, and get out, he will have to find another way to get rid of you, like cheating. Listen to him, believe him. He wants out. He is trying to do it in a nice, easy way. Let him, dont’ force him to go to more drastic measures.March 13, 2018 at 4:24 pm #692862
“People who tell you they would rather live in the boondocks then with other humans are usually incredibly self absorbed, have incredible intimacy issues or are narcissists. These kind of people enjoy being with themselves more than anyone else because they are UNINTERESTED in INVESTING fully in others.”
So the above statement describes me. I won’t invest my time in others. My time is my time and no, I won’t go to the basketball game/wine tasting/vacation with you. I will however invest in a person emotionally. But I like a lot of alone time, and don’t like doing things I don’t want to do.
He may well enjoy and even love you, but not like the vacations, parties, outings etc.
This doesn’t make him a bad person, it just may mean you are not going to be a good fit unless you are OK living a pretty independent life. For example, I’m in a distance relationship with a man who is generally great at being emotionally distant and quickly withdrawing from relationships. We’ve grown very emotionally close, when we are together it’s very intimate and intense. We don’t do “dating” things. Basically, we both agreed the reason we are still seeing each other is the distance and lack of demand on each others time.
For the record, as a loner…. “not that into you” if we don’t want to see you all the time doesn’t really apply. We really do just need our down time and alone time. What plagues us is disappointing our partners by not being physically present enough. So it’s a constant “do I go to that concert with her or recharge?”.
People who are happy to be alone are very hard to change. I suggest moving on, amicably. It’s not your fault. I’ve always been a loner and surprisingly had a 15 year relationship. The first 10 were wonderful because he worked out of town for weeks on end. The last 5, his jobs changed and he was always around and I ended up pushing him away and it got very sad and ugly. He’s a fine person, I’d even say I love him as a human, but i could not be with someone constantly. You deserve a partner and he deserves his space.March 13, 2018 at 4:56 pm #692869
Why on earth would you go along with this for this long?? You are settling and you are way too young for that. Hell, no one should settle. Once you get with a man who is crazy about you and loves you, you will wonder why you stayed with this one for longer than 5 minutes. Upgrade. Break it off. He’s been very honest with you. He will only ever give you or anyone part of himself and part of his time.March 13, 2018 at 7:39 pm #692918
Don’t settle. You deserve to be happy. With him, you are not. You have to think about yourself. No one else will. Be strong.March 13, 2018 at 7:57 pm #692923
Bottom line– you guys want different things.
On another note, I’m here to defend the loners! I LOVE living alone, have lived alone a long time and have a man in my love I love enormously– I just am an introvert and need my alone time too– fortunately so does he.
I live in the equivalent of a cabin in the woods and it’s heaven! Will probably never get married again and it would take a LOT for me to consider living with someone.
None of the people close to me would describe me, for one moment, as a narcissist or having problems with intimacy. I have lots of close friends, am incredibly warm and loving when I’m with them, and am extremely emotionally open with my partner. I’m a total empath
So I object to the characterization by T of NY. Loners can be absolutely lovely human beings. But it doesn’t sound like that’s what you want or need in a relationship, so do both yourself and your BF a favor and split so you can both find someone more compatible!March 13, 2018 at 8:35 pm #692935
T from NY
@Ali. You seem very articulate and warm — so I know you’re probably sensible enough to admit that you are in the VERY rare category of being a total introvert with no intimacy issues and actually desiring to live alone. It is absolutely not on the bell curve of what most people desire. I should have said “most” people who are so introverted they do not desire co-dwelling usually have intimacy issues. And I believe that to be true. I agree that bottom line they want different things and staying for her, I believe, would bring more pain down the road.March 13, 2018 at 9:01 pm #692946
Yeah, I’m not sure about that– maybe i just know a lot of loners and introverts because I’m a writer and most of my friends are also writers. I don’t consider most of them to have “intimacy” issues- though I”m sure some do. I consider them to have preferences that are perhaps not the norm. I also know lots of people who teach (most of us are in academia) and many in long distance relationships. To be honest, it’s very very frequent that I hear my female friends talk about how great it is to have their own space and not to live full time with their husbands and or partners.
In any case, the only thing that’s truly important is that two people are happy together and understand each other. The OP and her guy aren’t going to be a match.March 14, 2018 at 8:47 am #692979
Loners can be very caring and wonderful individuals. Just not really team players.
For introverts, it can be hard to have the energy to be physically present with people, overwhelming in fact. It doesn’t make you a bad person, or even a bad partner. You just need to pair off with someone with some independence.
My LDR is an incredibly caring man.