Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Similar situation to another post-bf issues and divorcing Mom
- This topic has 17 replies and was last updated 4 years, 3 months ago by
Tallspicy.
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HMill
I’ve been dealing with pretty much exactly what Mom 2 Boys had posted and I have been extremely anxious. I’m divorcing and almost done it was just an issue of the house which he bought me out finally. My boys are teens. I make them a priority. I’ve been out 7 mos in my own place. My boys though are doing pretty well and like my boyfriend. The boyfriend has never married. He loves me but he lives with his Uncle and Aunt. It’s starting to bother me. He answers to them as in they call asking what he wants for dinner or when he will be home. We are in our 40’s. He stays with me often if kids aren’t there and buys groceries and dates. He has a job. Not sure how to feel.
Tallspicy
In my opinion this is on you. Sorry to be harsh. When you started dating him did you ask him why he was seeing why he lived with them? Because the only good answer would have been I am taking care of them or saving money for a short period of time to buy a home. Otherwise, a man in their forties who lives with family members most likely is not that great at taking care of themselves. This is why you need to spend time getting to know yourself and not moving straight into a new boyfriend. The reality is this is who this guy is, so take it or leave it. I wonder if he is ever lived by himself at all. Next time do better weeding out at the dating process.
Jo
When you say he answers to them, do you mean they ask whether he will be home for dinner and he tells them, or do you mean they tell him what to do and he lets them? The former is fine IMO, it’s just good manners to let them know whether he wants a meal and whether he wants them to wait for him, keep it warm or whatever. However if it’s the latter, RUN!
Gracelyn
“He loves me but he lives with his Uncle and Aunt. It’s starting to bother me.”
What exactly about this bothers you?
HMill
When we started dating he just kept saying he plans to get out either rent a room or save for a home and wait for me to have my things finalized but now I do. Now he says they need help and why pay expensive rent. think they guilt him a little to help them out but it is on their end more of the polite thing just saying he’s with me, they just care for him. He does often maybe brag about his relationship to which I get jealous. Lately he leaves though after a bit and I can hear him say he will be up soon just visiting me. While I get that because we discussed that he should limit stays with me as he doesn’t pay rent toward mine. I just don’t want to be the sole breadwinner eventually
HMill
Well he’s in his late 40’s and seems content with them. I feel I have to share him
Gracelyn
“When we started dating he just kept saying he plans to get out either rent a room or save for a home and wait for me to have my things finalized but now I do.”
So matters are “finalized” on your end but not on his end (yet).
“I just don’t want to be the sole breadwinner eventually”
Understandable.
Do you feel he’s going to bypass getting his own place and stay with you and not contribute financially while he looks for his own place?
HMill
He kind of is doing that now. He stays a few nights a week with me. I feel like he will just keep doing it this way
Lil
I went on two dates with a guy who lives with his mum and stepfather in his 40s He made it sound like that they subdivided a property to save money on live on the same property. Turns out they cut off one bedroom in the house and put in a bathroom for him. Men tend to lie about their living situation more than woman because it matters.
My feeling this guy isn’t at all independent. He may or may not be a bit of a opportunist. I wouldn’t date this in a man. He is either way too poor to survive on his own, most people would look for an appartment on their own not a room. Or he is liking other people footing the bill.
redcurleysue
Tell him to get his own place and invite you over. Keep saying this until he does it.
Gracelyn
“He kind of is doing that now. He stays a few nights a week with me. I feel like he will just keep doing it this way”
Can you limit your time hanging out at your place until he finds his own place?
You can still spend time together and find things to do without spending a lot of money.
Since you have children it’s going to be more challenging but if you want to proceed with the relationship you’ll have to keep take these things into consideration.
Lane
May I ask why do you care? Seriously, what’s the rush or reason you are so adamantly opposed to him living with relatives? You’re barely out a divorce and IMO trying to use him to fill some kind of void; or you are unable to be single and jump into relationships too fast and then feel compelled to control it. Are you controlling because that’s the vibe I’m getting as you seem to want everything your way and not respecting his need to live where he wants as a grown adult person who is freely allowed to make those decisions for themselves.
Let go of the reins and stop trying to control him or the situation. Let him live where he wants as your anxiety is coming from the need to control people—once you let it go and allow him to be his own person the anxiety will go away on its own.
HMill
I appreciate everyone’s advice and it all makes good sense
HMill
I do think I’m trying to control for some stupid reason. I need to remember I can state my wishes as far as if he lives where he wishes then well he can’t stay every night my kids aren’t there. I feel kind of used when I leave for work at 6 am and he’s laying in my bed after I go.
Tallspicy
Adult males living at home (or with relatives) should have been a major red/orange flag when you started dating. If he stays over every night your kids are not there, then tell him you have concerns and need to see him be self sustaining and pull way back.i bet this has been an issue in his previous relationships. Be honest that you want a man in your life, not another child you need to take care of.
Raven
Have you met the Auntie & Uncle?
HMill
Yes I’ve met them. My bff is his cousin
Tallspicy
What does bff say about his adulting skills and why he lives there?
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