Should I stay or should I go??

Home Forums Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals Should I stay or should I go??

This topic contains 34 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Sandra 8 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #665639 Reply


    I have been seeing a guy for 11 months today. We are both 50. At first we couldn’t get enough of each other! But for the past five months he will text me EVERY morning, “Good Morning BEAUTIFUL! I LOVE YOU!” and he will call me EVERY DAY and talk for an hour or so. We see each other once or twice a month currently OR whenever I initiate it. We do not hook up for sex because he says he doesn’t ever want me to think he’s using me. (he was afraid I thought that in the beginning) He talks about a future with me. I do know for the past five months his parents are having health issues he has to address and so is his daughter. I also know this is very stressful for him. I love him. BUT, should I stay or should I go? Please help.

    #665642 Reply


    What’s the third option?

    #665650 Reply


    Not sure if there is a third one. What would you do?

    #665651 Reply


    Are you long distance? Why do you only get together twice a month? It sounds like he friend zoned you. His comment about not using you for sex isn’t something a man would say to a woman he sees a future with. You’ve known him for almost a year. Don’t you talk with him about such things?

    #665652 Reply


    We both have hectic work schedules and aging parents we have to take care of. We are both divorced with kids that also take up our time. We live about an hour away from each other. We talk about everything. Thanks for your advice. It gets me thinking.

    #665656 Reply


    “We do not hook up for sex because he says he doesn’t ever want me to think he’s using me. (he was afraid I thought that in the beginning)” This is a puzzling comment so I’ll ask if you two have sex in the beginning?

    Even though you’re both busy, it seems he should be initiating meet ups occasionally. Did he do so in the beginning? Ailing parents would not only be stressful, but take up more of his time too. I don’t see a reason to leave him if you both love each other.

    Congrats on your 9 month anniversary..

    #665658 Reply


    At 50… On not “using you for sex”, I’d maybe think his plumbing isn’t working.

    In person, is he physically affectionate? Most guys who are are attracted to you, but “waiting” will at least make out. I have dated a small handful of men that were sexually non-aggressive and they all fizzled after 2-3 dates and certainly never called me daily.

    I think that any guy who talks to you for an hour a day is trying to maintain something. If it was me, I’d send a flirty text and suggest a romantic evening out.

    #665661 Reply


    Have you talked about what you both want? A relationship? Marriage? It does seem odd that you only see each other twice a month. That’s how you build a relationship – in person – not through the phone.

    #665663 Reply


    We did have sex in he beginning and when we do get together in person we love to touch and kiss. We are very compatible sexually. The kissing is amazing! We definitely have to talke about our relationship more. Thanks!! Your insight is most helpful!

    #665668 Reply


    Thank you! We did have amazing sex in the beginning and in person we touch and the kissing is so amazing that we both get very wet from it. Pardon my crudeness. That could also be intense from the limited in person meet-ups. He is starting to get very body conscious and concerned about his looks and talks about exercising and losing weight. I’ve told him that I am more than happy with his body.

    #665676 Reply


    Sandra, you had sex in the beginning and yet now you don’t because he says he doesn’t want you to think he’s using you? This now sounds like a strange statement and I tend to think he might have some sort of issue such as erectile dysfunction like anon suggested. Or it could be like Kayla suggested that a man might make that statement to a woman he does not want a future with..else he feel guilty when he dumps her. Or he’s religious and premarital sex is against the doctrine of his church. Sometimes a man becomes body conscious after he meets another lady in order to impress her. If none of this is true, and you already assured him you wouldn’t feel used, it seems unnatural for a man not to want sex with a woman he loves because it’s one of the ways he expresses that love.

    Maybe you two should revisit and more thoroughly discuss the sex issue?

    #665680 Reply


    Thank you! That is a very valid point.I agree with you that it is something I want to discuss.

    #665688 Reply


    I disagree. If he was able to have sex a few months ago, he just doesn’t develop ED. And in my experience with men 50 into 60’s they are more virile these days then guys in their 20’s. There are meds for this. That comment sounds like he friend zoned you. And doesn’t want you to feel like a fwb. The ‘love’ comment every morning means nothing, I say I love you to my best friends all the time. Talk with him and see if he sees a romantic future. You can always work out details of other issues such as elder care, etc. but right now you aren’t happy. And I would not be either. Seeing a man playing laly twice a month? That’s just a friend.

    #665694 Reply


    WOW! That’s what I needed to hear! All my friends are trying to be so nice and positive that it encourages me to keep things going. We do talk everyday about everything and it does get very flirty and naughty too. Thank you for your input!

    #665700 Reply


    Jan, I like your response to the OP, except a man can develop erection problems fairly suddenly. Some guys don’t want to take meds like Viagra because of side effects such as severe back aches etc..

    #665734 Reply


    He is very Catholic and when we do get together there is a lot of kissing and hand holding and hugging and sitting with our arms wrapped around each other. The daily phone conversations can range from how’s your day to some very naughty talk

    #665738 Reply


    How would you gently bring up ED without any embarrassment or hurt feelings? I love him and will work through that.

    #665749 Reply


    I’m sorry, but I don’t consider a relationship someone I only see twice a month, unless we are temporarily long distance.

    I don’t know if you two ever discussed specifically what each of you were dating for (end goals such as a committed exclusive relationship/marriage/living together)?

    To me it sounds like you’ve never discussed any of this, and I do that BEFORE I agree to a relationship with anyone.

    Stress is a big factor in ED. But I don’t really know if that is the issues with him, or something else.

    I would not be okay with the paltry amount of frequency you see each other. I see casual friends more often than that.

    I think the advice for you two to sit down and discuss what you are doing, and where this is heading…. needs to happen ASAP.

    To me it sounds like he’s fizzling out (in more ways than one). Better to know sooner rather than later-if there is not a good and acceptable explanation, and a real plan to see more of each other.

    If this is what he expects you to settle for, I would be seriously reconsidering the entire relationship, because I would not be okay with it.

    #665772 Reply


    Ouch! Way Harsh. We enjoy talking to each other every day about every topic under the sun. Life gets complicated as you get older especially when there are seven very active children and two sets of elderly parents involved who need a lot of care. I love the way we support and help each other through life.

    #665774 Reply


    I’m confused…

    You ask if you should stay or go… This is working for you?

    #665780 Reply


    I was thinking the same thing Raven. Is this twilight zone again?

    #665784 Reply


    If this relationship is so wonderful, not really sure why you asked.

    I tend not to sugarcoat my advice, but it’s not intended to hurt your feelings.

    To me, if this was okie dokie, you wouldn’t title this “should I stay or should I go?”.

    The fact you ask if you should leave tells me I hit a nerve in my response.

    I’m sorry you feel it was harsh. But I stand by what I said.

    #665795 Reply


    Stay. He’s stressed out. Tell him if he needs anything you’re there for him.

    Give him space. He will appreciate it.

    Imo if you start to question it and let your imagination run wild you might sabotage a good thing.

    #665798 Reply


    As others suggested, the main thing you need to do is have a serious talk where you DIRECTLY address, (1) Sex, and (2) Where the future is going, (3) How often you see each other. You should have this talk in person. Is it your goal to eventually marriage and move-in together? If so you need to see if you are on the same page. I think that the fact he talks an hour on the phone everyday means something, as men usually don’t do this just with friends. However seeing each other once or twice a month just is not enough.

    There is some reason he is not having sex. If you guys had it in the beginning men just don’t stop for no reason. It could be he developed physical issues, but unlikely since you already had sex. I think there is a possibility this is about being Catholic, as they discourage pre-marital sex and he might be feeling guilty about that. So whatever it is you need to talk and find out.

    As long as you work this out directly I do think you guys have hope of things working out. Finding a good man past 50 can be hard, so be wise in how you approach this.

    #665816 Reply


    THANK YOU! I am going to take your advice. He really is a good man and has many wonderful qualities. I do understand about the Catholic thing. I also have to be much more direct with the questions I ask him about the topics of sex and our future. Things were really great until he became stressed out with all his family issues. It’s hard to balance everything out. What kind of person would I be if I cut and run at the first sign of trouble. I believe he is worth hanging around for.

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