Should I message him?


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This topic contains 22 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Jenny OG 7 months ago.

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  • #735842 Reply

    Ginger

    I matched with a guy on one dating site. He messaged me but his message sat for awhile unanswered. I hadn’t been on there for a few months. I wasn’t sure about replying since it had been such a long time but figured what the heck. I told him I hadn’t been on there for some time. He said no worries he wasn’t on there a lot either and wasn’t a big fan of the site. We messaged for a few days. He then kind of dropped off. I didn’t message him again even though we had really nice texts and I was interested in getting to know him more. A few weeks went by. I then saw him on another site and swiped just to see if we would match. We did right away which means he had swiped on me already. Ladies have to start the conversation on this site. Should I message him on the new site? We’re still matched on the other site so he could pick up there. I want to say hi to nudge him on the new site. It has to be me who starts the convo so it wouldn’t be like I had the option of waiting for him. There’s just something about him I want to get to know more. I don’t want to push it when he could contact me on the other site if he really wanted to. He did say he wasn’t on there a lot. For some reason I believe him about that. I don’t know if him not caring for that site is keeping him away or what. We did just talk for a little bit so I don’t know how much of a chance that was to stand out. Do you think starting over on the new site will give the opportunity to maybe stand out?

    #735844 Reply

    Amber

    I think he spends a lot of time on both sites and swipes right on all girls. Message him if you like, it won’t make any difference. He may or may not decide to ask you on a date. I would focus on other more potential dates.

    #735849 Reply

    Raven

    Desperate much?

    #735852 Reply

    Louise

    Even if he doesn’t use the other site much, if he wanted to continue getting to know you, he’d ask you for your number, or is it really so different in the US?!

    In my experience when a guy likes you he wants to get off the dating site / app as fast as possible. If he’s not done that, you have to let go and move on.

    #735865 Reply

    Emma

    If he stopped messaging, he is not that interested. He knows how to reach you, you know it yourself, but oyu are nuding yourself into demnialist explanations LOL don’t. Just don’t.

    If a man is interested he’d message you. He’d ask for your number. it is really that simple.

    Going after him would only make you feel low. he might reply a couple more times but then would vanish again. Would it be better?

    Why fixate on one dude? I am not on any dating sites, but I am assuming there are other men there, no? LOL haha

    Ladies assume the same “shopping” attitude towards men that they assume towards us. Do not get glued and stuck on every dude who messaged you. Do not fall for every dude who compliments you and plays music for you. LOL Please use your shopping skills when looking for men. LOL Even if oyu missed out on the a great sale, there will always be another one. it is not like you’re in love or anything. So WHY get stuck and chase those dudes? So he contacted you once, so? he is no longer contacting you. There is something about him, but he is no longer contacting you! And he knows how to.

    There will be someone else with “something about them”. I promise. LOL

    #735871 Reply

    Jenny OG

    Once again, my tactics were a bit different than other women because I’d message him- ‘So we meet again… :) let’s grab a drink.’ I show interest but not obsessively and I give my attention but it’s very fleeting in the beginning so it’s kinda like ‘here’s your chance, let’s do this or I’ll be on the next train out tmrw’ kind of vibe. And any time I’ve initiated something bc ‘I’ wanted it, the men still always treated it as a date- paid, picked me up, etc. What do you have to lose minus wasting your time wondering. If he says no, you have a firm answer and move on, if he says yes, you work on a real life connection already instead of beating around the bush. I did wait on my bf after he initially rejected me this last go around bc 1. I wanted to and 2. Even if I didn’t, my emotions wouldn’t let go quick enough to just drop it but normally I’m a let go & carry on type of girl. No hard feelings, no insecurity, just “it wasn’t for me :(” you know. Lol. Good luck. I say do what you want and let the cards fall where they may

    #735874 Reply

    Jenny OG

    It’s foolish to assume he doesn’t like you because he doesn’t KNOW you. What are the interesting, unique qualities that make you desirable? THAT’S what you play off of before the meeting phase, you present yourself in a way where you peak their curiosity about you, where they want to simply see what you’re like. Once you have you’re foot in the door, you showcase these things even more, you suddenly become intriguing, the intrigue then turn to genuine interest, interest becomes desire, desire turns into effort & we see if it’s a suitable match from there…

    #735951 Reply

    Ginger

    I see what some are saying. Thank you to those who said it nicer than others.

    Jenny OG – Thank you for giving your take on things. You were right. He wouldn’t know me and I couldn’t expect him to act like he did.

    I did message him on the second site. He responded. He was very happy to hear from me. He apoligized for letting our conversation drop. He said he knew it wasn’t rational but he was connecting it with his experience on the other app. He didn’t speak poorly of anyone, he put it as playing the disinterested game was old and it was refreshing that I took the incentive to reach out. He said me saying hi nice to see him again made him think I wasn’t playing immature games. I wasn’t sure what to think of that because he is absolutely gorgeous, polite, soft spoken, built and has a good job. He’s the kind of guy you would think could have his choice of any woman. I decided since it had only been a few messages on the first app and he didn’t know me I’d see what happened.
    He asked to communicate off the app. We texted and he called. He asked if he could take me to dinner so we could meet in person. He set a date, place and time.

    It’s one date but it’s a foot in the door, like you said. I’ll see how things go but for the moment he sure wasn’t acting like I was “desperate much”.

    Thanks you

    #735956 Reply

    Jen

    Jenny, aren’t you the one who just showed up at some guys house unannounced and he told you to go away and he has a girlfriend?

    #735957 Reply

    Raven

    I stand by what I said earlier…

    #735963 Reply

    Newbie

    Ginger, pace yourself! You havent met the man and you decided he is gorgious, polite, soft spoken, good build and a good job. None of this have to be true. Please dont be so gullible and easily impressed or online dating will get you in a world of trouble. I personally wouldnt have contacted him on the second site, but you did and have a date. So go from date to date with your eyes open and an aspirin clammed between your knees. Haha i saw Amy use that expression and that made me laugh so hard.
    Really calm down

    #735978 Reply

    K.C.

    Welcome to the party! Wet blankets are on table.
    The raven is so desperate to not eat crow she stands by her insults. Jen is so obsessed with Jenny OG she remembers every detail. Run Jenny OG run! Newbie and Emma want you to shove aspirin between your legs.
    Quite the A-list

    Ginger
    Look what happens when you don’t listen. Be prepared. You proved them wrong. You go and have an amazing date! Let them pickle in their bitterness hahahaha!

    #735982 Reply

    Ok

    Kc and the sunshine band. All I read is that the man didn’t have enough interest to pursue her. She chased him on another web site and fell for words that he was just so happy she chased him, as he somehow got busy or some other excuse. The problem with the woman asking the man first, after he ignores her, is that he is initially flatterered and goes along with the ask. She only proved people wrong because she chased him. And if you beleive he could have his choice of any woman, he probably does, which is why he made you chase him and not the other way around. Good luck with that. It may sound bitter but it’s just reality. Men online do have their pick of anyone and he didn’t take the time to chase you.

    #735983 Reply

    K.C.

    Ok
    The Op said hi nice to see you again on a site where women have to start the conversation. That is what you call chasing? This guy replied, apolgized, asked for her number, texted, called, asked for a date and nailed down a time. What’s that called, baking brownies?

    #735984 Reply

    Ok

    Kc
    He ‘apologized’ for ignoring her. If she was such a good catch why did he drop the ball and then get excisited because she chased him. Let’s face it, a web site where men wait for women to have to contact them is pretty lame. The guy had a chance to pursue her and didn’t. Let’s see if he actually shows up for the date. Been here long enough to see that men who like to have women initiate aren’t the prize you think they are.

    #735986 Reply

    Ok

    A woman who has options doesn’t chase men down from dating site to dating site.

    #735987 Reply

    Newbie

    KC im trying women to see to not overinvest, not to get hurt, not to fall for words. Whats your advice to ginger?

    #735988 Reply

    Lydia

    Ok,

    I work in the fashion industry for a major design house. My job revolves around working directly with models. I’ve modeled myself so I’ve been on both sides.

    Your conclusion for him taking advantage of having his choice of any woman isn’t always right. I am surrounded by the “beautiful people”. Some have let it go to their heads, most are just as insecure as anyone else. Beauty opens doors. It also closes them when you are judged for being shallow when you aren’t, stuck up when shy, or treated as if looks mean you can’t have feelings.

    I know a number of male models who have “average” looking wives and girlfriends because they chose partners they saw something in besides just looks. They aren’t average though. They are spectacular women who had the confidence to see beyond the beauty to believe these men cared for them when people around them told them they were getting played. They have the confidence to hold their heads up when jeaolous women sneer and make rude comments about how the world works… much the same way you did. I know for a fact some of these women asked their husbands out for their first date.

    Maybe Ginger has her pick of any man and picks this guy.

    You might know how the world you created works. That doesn’t make it so for everyone.

    #735989 Reply

    K.C.

    Ginger
    My advice is don’t let drama and personal attacks get in your head. There will always be critics. Have the confidence to go after what you want. Use that same confidence to change direction if it ever starts hurting you.

    Newbie
    She isn’t being hurt now. Don’t tell her she is. Let people enjoy their moment and don’t ruin it for them. They will know if it doesn’t start to feel right. They don’t need the favor of throwing them a wet blanket party.

    #735995 Reply

    Ginger

    KC thanks for going to bat for me. I appreciate it. I asked a yes or no question and got told I’m desperate, not a catch, not worth pursuing, gullible, going to get stood up, a chaser and on a lame site. All that because I said hi to a guy to reestablish contact. It’s all good though. I did what I did and have no regrets. I did nothing to regret.

    Newbie I really appreciate your concern. I don’t take it lightly. I’m looking forward to getting to know this guy. I wouldn’t want to spend my time on someone I’m not interested in knowing. He might not want to get to know me. I know that. I will face that if it happens and move ahead. I’m not going to take myself out of the game because I’m afraid to play.

    Lydia thanks for the great story. It was uplifting.

    #735999 Reply

    Bull

    Here’s the thing. It’s one date. You may not even like him when you meet in person. As others said, women tend to build up this huge expectation that turns into nothing. I’m not a fan of having to ask the man out. If that’s your thing then do it. I do think you have this huge built up idea in your head how perfect he is and he may not even look like or be even close to what his profile said. I often notice women ask questions on here but don’t really want an answer because they already made their mind up on what they are going to do. I beleive going after what you want works in jobs, careers, cars, but not men. Biggest mistake women make is picking a man before he picks her. And that’s why most women come back on here time and time again all confused because they fall for a man who is only Luke warm for her.

    #736016 Reply

    Jenny OG

    I disagree. If you’ve established and trust your own judgement, “picking” men works out just fine. Don’t blame the guys for being “luke warm”. You would assume that one would be able to recognize that and in turn NOT invest in a “luke warm” man, right??! Do we not all have conscious thought and freedom of choice?

    & Ginger, congrats on the date! :) Yeah, just get to know him, people are right, you may discover he’s not as appealing in person. It takes time to really get to know someone. People are great at showcasing the good initially because why wouldn’t you? That’s human nature. I don’t think it’s intentionally deceitful, but something to take into account for sure. High quality foundations can’t be built on pretense. Good luck!!!

    & Jen, yep, that was me! & thank you, we’re very happy together now! :) Lol

    #736017 Reply

    Jenny OG

    And I’m by no means saying that “picking” high quality men guarantees you’ll pick “the one” right now this second, but I am saying that when you’re discerning, you’re more likely than not to end up with the right one and the journey there is a fun, positive, enriching experience that you’re thankful and even grateful for. Of course there’s no escaping heartbreak, rejection, insecurity, blah blah blah, but highs without a doubt outweigh the lows

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