This topic contains 15 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by anon 4 days, 23 hours ago.
May 16, 2019 at 8:12 am #750134
Good day guys. i have been seeing this guy for a month now and i havent had sex with him. I asked him to wait until im ready and he agreed i once spent the night at his place and he respected my wish. i like him and we connect and conversation together is flowing. So the question is is it right to keep him waiting or should i just give in?May 16, 2019 at 8:39 am #750137
No one can tell you that. I think its more important to have a talk first and where it is mutual stated you both like to see where it is going and agreeing not to sleep with anyone else. Although this is also no guarantee it will work out, you at least can sort of figure out where his head is atMay 16, 2019 at 9:10 am #750144
If a man has had a 1000 thoughts fantasizing about having sex with you then have sex with him. I say this because a man who’s only had a thought or two is looking for sex, a man who constantly thinks of having it with you, and only you, is connecting in the way a man connects which is OPPOSITE of the way you connect with a man BTW. Thinking like a woman and not how a man thinks will get you into a lot of trouble.May 16, 2019 at 9:46 am #750150
Do YOU want to have sex with him?May 16, 2019 at 10:02 am #750152
Anom. I do want to but what if he leaves me after sex? i’m jus. not sure if he is in it for a serious thing or just sex.May 16, 2019 at 10:09 am #750154
It’s a risk you take.
Usually guys just looking to get laid don’t stick around for a month, especially if he is taking you on regular dates (not just home visits).
I think you need to tell him that sex is special to you, that you only want to have sex with a man who is serious and exclusive. If the talk of exclusivity/serious puts him off, you have your answer.May 16, 2019 at 10:27 am #750156
I disagree with Anon, they can wait even 3 months and then leave if they initial goal was to sleep with you, they will wait lol
but yeah it is a risk but also it depends on how you behave after sex, don’t be awkward thinking he will leave or don’t mention it to him, be relaxed about it , own it.
have fun and who knows maybe he won’t be your type in bed and you will be the one who wouldn’t want to see him again :)
be confident woman and even if he does end up leaving at least you had fun :)May 16, 2019 at 12:19 pm #750174
The thing you should know is that men DO NOT fall in love through their penis! If you think sex will get you something with a man then you are having sex for all the wrong reasons and setting yourself for major failure if you think you can sex him into something he doesn’t want or even looking for as there are loads of ladies he has, done or doing it with and you’re just another.
FEAR of losing a guy you don’t have or know very well will keep you stuck with a man who is going to dispose of you (fade, bounce, drop) like all the others he’s done it with if you don’t know where his heads at. It takes some hard questions to get to some intel on a guy before you proceed or not which takes place outside of the sheets, not in them. Although sex will increase and may solidify the bond he already has for a woman if its really good; sex won’t make a bond/connection happen if its not there….you’ll just be one of many he has sex with and that’s it.
What are a few hard questions? Simple questions peppered with softer one’s that will tell you A LOT about a man such as, “What kind of work do you do?” “What’s your favorite hobby?” “What are your thoughts on marriage and children?” (VERY CAREFULLY LISTEN NEGATIVES) What’s your favorite color?” What’s your favorite childhood memory?” “Have you ever cheated before?” (VERY CAREFULLY LISTEN FOR NEGATIVES) What country have you always wanted to visit?” “What’s your favorite food?” “When do you know if you’re in love v. lust?” (VERY CAREFULLY LOOK FOR ANY NEGATIVES) …..you get the gist. As one of the leading male relationship expert states “BELIEVE THE NEGATIVES” because women who don’t are going to get screwed, literally.May 16, 2019 at 12:40 pm #750179
Or just learn to enjoy sex for the sake of sex.
Women do themselves a disservice by attaching too much importance to sex. Like it’s OK to have sex with a guy and have it not pan out. It’s nothing to be ashamed of if it’s something you want. I don’t think (1 month in) that sex tilts a guy either way. It’s probably a rare guy that thinks “oh, she’s a ho” if you wait a month. I know a lot of people who had sex on the first date and ended up together.
There are some guys for whom it’s a dealbreaker, but who wants to be with a hypocrite anyway?
Lane’s questions are good, mainly because most men just looking for sex won’t answer those. But also, you need to learn that nothing really locks in a guy with certainty and don’t beat yourself up if they bounce after sex.May 16, 2019 at 1:10 pm #750183
1. Ask yourself if there’s been enough time for an EMOTIONAL CONNECTION to develop? If not, there’s no foundation to build upon once the lust wears off.
2. Most women don’t save themselves for marriage anymore, but has he at least asked you to be his girlfriend? If not, you’re setting yourself up to be a FWB if you sleep with him without a commitment.May 16, 2019 at 1:31 pm #750202
if you want a relationship, communicate that you don’t sleep with men who are not your boyfriend and that you can decide that together as time goes on. Also communicate that you are very attracted to him, but do not want to be in a situation where you are not the only people in a relationship. That way, you have set expectations and in the meantime round the bases…..May 16, 2019 at 1:49 pm #750203
To quote Pat Benatar: “Stop using sex as a weapon.”
You can’t use sex to keep a man. If you think having sex with a man should be a contract or guarantee he won’t leave you, you’re going to be very disappointed.
Lane’s question list is a good one. You need to get to know him, and you need to feel secure in yourself the way you are in order to decide when to have sex with a man.May 16, 2019 at 2:01 pm #750207
Anon, the truth is that its very RARE for women to remain unattached and see the act of sex not much differently than a man does and have no desire to get to know them beyond that. You and I happen to be those RARE types, although mine occurred at various times/phases of my life, usually after a breakup or my divorce but there were times I couldn’t and would become attached and that’s when I abstained from it because I knew that about myself. The vast majority of women are not genetically designed that way and can cause a lot of damage and erosion to their self-esteem and worth if they have been ‘lead on’ by too many men only to be dumped after having sex because they truly don’t understand how their competitors (men) think or operate. I was lucky to have a father teach and guide me, most women today sadly do not.
She is already ‘attached’ and having sex with him and him fading out/bouncing after he ‘gets it’ is going to wreak havoc on her emotions for a lot longer than it would if sex wasn’t involved primarily due the chemical cocktail of hormone’s a woman releases during and after sex. It’s a kin to a woman putting her hand on a hot stove and not expecting to get burned—-he’s a “hot stove” and not safe to touch at this juncture based on what she’s stated.
Again, I believe like you do BUT I also know that the vast majority of women are naturally (biologically/genetically) unable to separate love (attachment) from sex and why they need to properly suss a man out before engaging in it if they KNOW they become overly attached when engaging in it. This is why I try to get a woman to scope a man out if an attachment on her end has been formed but doesn’t have a clue how HE FEELS because a man has different stages to go through before he gets to the ‘love stage’ and only then you can know with a high level of certainty that its SAFE to have sex with him without having all the fears, insecurity, trepidation or worries he will disappear unless the sex is super bad…it does happen! Yes, there are those RARE MEN who can fall in love with a woman at first sight (that’s how my ex husband fell in love with me and I had a BF at the time lol) BUT how often has or does that ever happen???? Very very very very rarely!!!!May 16, 2019 at 2:14 pm #750208
I don’t think it is genetics – there have always been societies where women enjoyed promiscuity (vikings), and the world’s oldest profession is hooking. We operate in a society with a double standard for women, so being dumped after sex is a 1-2 punch of rejection AND the stigma of being too easy. We see it on here ALL THE TIME. “If you’d have just kept your legs closed”.
The reality is that if a man loves you and wants you, when you have sex is of no consequence. If they dump you after sex, it’s not because you are a ho, it’s because they weren’t that into you, just wanted sex etc.
I think some of that emotional attachment is more about not wanting to be seen as a ho, than actual love. I’ve definitely been there, then revisited the guy and was like, dang, why was I upset again????? thank god it didn’t go anywhere.May 16, 2019 at 3:22 pm #750214
We can agree to disagree as you’re trying to compare and contrast and doing it incorrectly.
Women in many societies were born into beliefs systems that were not designed by nature but out of human made religion, culture, gods, kings, etc. If those you brought up were ‘natural’ (genetic/biological) then EVERY WOMAN would be doing it!
Look at the millions of women who have FOUGHT against forced marriages, harems, polygamy, slavery, and yes, prostitution….list is endless. Millions of women around the world now make their OWN CHOICES and those choices have to do with how they naturally feel which happens to be with ONE MAN to fall in love with and raise their children, not multiple men. If it wasn’t natural a vast number of women around the world would be seeking out what you mentioned but they do not, that number still remains super small world wide, so it shatters your argument.
BTW I have no qualm with those who do partake in having sex with multiple men or prostitution as long as the woman freely CHOOSES IT…like they say “whatever floats your boat’.May 16, 2019 at 3:52 pm #750217
But don’t you think that thru the years, western society, especially the US has compounded the problem:
Women who have sex before marriage are “ruined” or “fallen”
Women who have sex like me are “whores” or “trash”
Women who are promiscuous “deserve” the punishment of a child
She can’t “keep a man”
In movies, unmarried men are suave, cool guys/unmarried women are desperate cat ladies
Obviously, YOU don’t think that way or use those terms, but many women have been raised with that (granted, it’s getting better). Biologically, through the years, women have raised children in a variety of circumstances beyond just one man/one woman (ie, going back to our farthest roots).
I do realize that there is a biological factor at play, but societal pressure piles on too with that post sex heartache.