Should I explain myself to him?

This is actually an entirely different question, same guy. If you follow so closely you would realize that the situation has changed over time and I’m now asking if it’s even worth being friends. I ask on threads like this because I’m not able to express myself to this person due to our families being super close and him making it look like I’m doing this. I am extremely tired of this. If you have any input as to what you would do if you were in my position rather than insulting me, that would be appreciated. I’m looking for input because I’m beyond frustrated. I don’t remember my past usernames otherwise I’d use old threads.

I’m sorry to be obtuse, but I went back and read both threads and I don’t even understand what you’re asking. You want to know what we think you should do about what, exactly? This guy is your brother-in-law, or your brother/sister in-law’s brother (not sure if that makes him a brother in law?). Your families are close, so you see each other a lot, right? From what you’ve written, he seems like a nice enough guy (helped you up when you fell, hangs out with you etc).

“I feel like I just stroke his ego or he feels obligated to be kind. He’s told me I’m family, but he was drunk and I just have doubts. I know this also comes from my past and having a fear of trusting people, which I’m working on.”
To be blunt- this sounds like a YOU problem, not a HIM problem. You have a fear of trusting people, which leads you to doubt his sincerity. You should work on your issues to resolve this.
Why do you feel that you just stroke his ego– what has he done that makes you think that? Or is it all in your head? He told you you’re family– you ARE his family, your siblings are married. There is a family relationship there, not by blood, but by marriage.
I really like Maddie’s advice in the previous thread, which the moderator linked above. Please go read that.

I know this answer probably isn’t helpful, but I honestly don’t know what you expect to hear. I understand you’re frustrated, but it’s mutual– many of the regular posters here have given you advice that you don’t seem to want to take. It’s frustrating for us when people keep coming back posting about the same guy.

Why would you want to be friends with someone who’s awkward and exhausting? Just because your families are married doesn’t mean you have to be friends.

I have tried several things that were commented by other members regarding this. The issue I run into is even when I stop caring and just do me, he’ll say something to our siblings that makes me look bad and it starts all over. For example, we were at his parents anniversary party and I went there with no intention to engage in any conversation with him. I knew tons of other people and had a drink and started visiting with them. He came over and started talking to mr and then hung around me the whole night regardless of where I went or who I talked to. I got pulled aside and told I was being really obvious with my flirting with him and needed to cool it. I never once flirted, or even initiated the contact. No matter what I get blamed and it’s never on him. I finally told the person it was him not me. He has an alcohol problem and everyone just expects me to always excuse his behavior. Yes he’s caring towards me, but it’s hard because he can orchestrate that to make it look like whatever he wants and it’s all about making sure he’s not uncomfortable. He always gets the excuse “he was drunk and doesn’t remember.” It gets old. I have a huge heart but I’m tired of being expected to get him home safe, disregard his comments, and tolerate his behavior because he’s drunk.

Thanks, this extra information is very helpful!

Can you leave early?
Refuse to shuttle him home.

Can you set boundaries before the event?
Bring a friend with you?

What are your ages?

You sound WAY to nice…

Start attending Al-Anon meetings. It’s for people who have someone in their lives whose alcohol use is a problem. They will be able to support you much better IRL and with better information than we can here.

I had a relative whose drinking and drunk behavior caused a problem and everyone in the family was willing to overlook it. I had to just remove myself from situations early or not show up at all. And going to Al-Anon meetings for about 6 months really helped me get a handle on what to do and realize it wasn’t anything about me. Just Google for local meetings. I don’t know how COVID is affecting meetings, hopefully you can still find some.

Thank you so much for all of the feedback! And Raven, I am too nice. Lol. I’m 27 and he’s fricken 31. I love the whole family but no one intervenes and he’s past being able to quit on his own. It’s sad to watch because we all fear the call that he’s gone due to staggering into traffic or into the river at our campground, etc. We do understand each other with some things, but his drinking makes it hard on everyone to be around him. It’s hard when you can’t make the person see the problem and quit. I appreciate all of you.

“He’ll say something to our siblings that makes me look bad and it starts all over” — when he says stuff about you to your siblings, how do you reply? Do you make it clear to them that HE’S the problem?

I like Tammy’s idea– do everything you can to just stay away from him and not be alone with him. I also see her point that you may not want to invest the time/effort to attend meetings for someone who is not a close relative or partner. The thing to do may be to just avoid him. And make it clear to your siblings that you are uncomfortable around him– hopefully you will have an ally or allies among your siblings who would support you on this. You are THEIR sibling after all, they should have your back– not his.

Probably not a good idea to ‘date’ the 2nd guy…

Did you ask him how he got the idea you were ‘involved’ with the first guy?