Should I explain myself to him?


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This topic contains 20 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Raven 1 month ago.

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  • #909642 Reply

    Molly94

    I have a close friend who is like a brother to me. Due to some past incidents with him being inconsistent and pushing boundaries, I really struggle with believing he really sees me as a friend/family. I feel like I just stroke his ego or he feels obligated to be kind. He’s told me I’m family, but he was drunk and I just have doubts. I know this also comes from my past and having a fear of trusting people, which I’m working on. Do I talk to him about this? I’m exhausted from us always being awkward around each other and I’m sick of it.

    #909717 Reply

    Raven

    I’m confused… Are you wanting more than friendship from this guy?

    What type of boundaries does he cross?

    Why don’t you just take a step back?

    #909807 Reply

    ANM Staff
    Keymaster

    Hi Molly94 – I think it would be helpful if you could update the community and let everyone know whether or not the advice from your last thread on this topic brought you clarity. I’d recommend bookmarking that thread and continuing the conversation there, so that way, everyone knows you’re talking about the same situation.

    Feel free to continue the topic thread there – that way, the community can work from the advice you’ve already been given.

    #909820 Reply

    Raven

    I don’t understand why you keep posting this here, time after time after time!

    Aren’t you tired of this?

    What advice would you rather hear…

    #909870 Reply

    Molly94

    This is actually an entirely different question, same guy. If you follow so closely you would realize that the situation has changed over time and I’m now asking if it’s even worth being friends. I ask on threads like this because I’m not able to express myself to this person due to our families being super close and him making it look like I’m doing this. I am extremely tired of this. If you have any input as to what you would do if you were in my position rather than insulting me, that would be appreciated. I’m looking for input because I’m beyond frustrated. I don’t remember my past usernames otherwise I’d use old threads.

    #909883 Reply

    Raven

    I don’t see where you were insulted…

    Why don’t you just take a step back?
    & then another step back… Then another, etc.

    Just because your families are close, doesn’t mean he has to be on top of you.

    #909882 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    I’m sorry to be obtuse, but I went back and read both threads and I don’t even understand what you’re asking. You want to know what we think you should do about what, exactly? This guy is your brother-in-law, or your brother/sister in-law’s brother (not sure if that makes him a brother in law?). Your families are close, so you see each other a lot, right? From what you’ve written, he seems like a nice enough guy (helped you up when you fell, hangs out with you etc).

    “I feel like I just stroke his ego or he feels obligated to be kind. He’s told me I’m family, but he was drunk and I just have doubts. I know this also comes from my past and having a fear of trusting people, which I’m working on.”
    To be blunt- this sounds like a YOU problem, not a HIM problem. You have a fear of trusting people, which leads you to doubt his sincerity. You should work on your issues to resolve this.
    Why do you feel that you just stroke his ego– what has he done that makes you think that? Or is it all in your head? He told you you’re family– you ARE his family, your siblings are married. There is a family relationship there, not by blood, but by marriage.
    I really like Maddie’s advice in the previous thread, which the moderator linked above. Please go read that.

    I know this answer probably isn’t helpful, but I honestly don’t know what you expect to hear. I understand you’re frustrated, but it’s mutual– many of the regular posters here have given you advice that you don’t seem to want to take. It’s frustrating for us when people keep coming back posting about the same guy.

    #909946 Reply

    AngieBaby

    Here’s a clear answer to your question to put this whole string of threads to bed: NO it is not worth “being friends.”

    If you’re that sick of this situation then just stop feeding it. Be polite when you’re around him and nothing else.

    Stop trying to figure it out. Just let the whole thing go. Control what you can control: YOU. Stop caring what he says or does. Focus on your own life. You’re wasting your valuable time over a pointless situation.

    That’s the definitive answer. If you keep coming back with more posts on this matter, then it’s you choosing to keep this going and I think you’ll find either no one responds or you get asked not to post here anymore and are blocked. No one wants to give advice over and over to someone who isn’t listening or taking the advice to improve the problem.

    #909957 Reply

    Sophia

    Why would you want to be friends with someone who’s awkward and exhausting? Just because your families are married doesn’t mean you have to be friends.

    #910062 Reply

    tammy

    I agree with Angie. many of us have certain relatives that we find pretty annoying and cant stand. or relatives with whom we always end up arguing. like my close cousins husband, my aunt. so whenever i meet them during get family togethers, i always make it a point to be civil and polite and that’s that. I stay away from them and dont engage with them. period. thats pretty easy rule to follow trust me.

    #910967 Reply

    Molly94

    I have tried several things that were commented by other members regarding this. The issue I run into is even when I stop caring and just do me, he’ll say something to our siblings that makes me look bad and it starts all over. For example, we were at his parents anniversary party and I went there with no intention to engage in any conversation with him. I knew tons of other people and had a drink and started visiting with them. He came over and started talking to mr and then hung around me the whole night regardless of where I went or who I talked to. I got pulled aside and told I was being really obvious with my flirting with him and needed to cool it. I never once flirted, or even initiated the contact. No matter what I get blamed and it’s never on him. I finally told the person it was him not me. He has an alcohol problem and everyone just expects me to always excuse his behavior. Yes he’s caring towards me, but it’s hard because he can orchestrate that to make it look like whatever he wants and it’s all about making sure he’s not uncomfortable. He always gets the excuse “he was drunk and doesn’t remember.” It gets old. I have a huge heart but I’m tired of being expected to get him home safe, disregard his comments, and tolerate his behavior because he’s drunk.

    #910984 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    I’m really sorry you’re going through this. Honestly this sounds like a toxic family dynamic– it’s bigger than just you or him. The whole family is enabling his behavior by making excuses for him. It shouldn’t be on you to try to find a solution.

    I really don’t know what to suggest. I hope other posters have constructive ideas. But I just wanted to let you know, this isn’t on you. I’m sorry you feel you have to carry this weight. This is on your entire family. And that’s a bigger problem to solve.

    #911006 Reply

    Raven

    Thanks, this extra information is very helpful!

    Can you leave early?
    Refuse to shuttle him home.

    Can you set boundaries before the event?
    Bring a friend with you?

    What are your ages?

    You sound WAY to nice…

    #911029 Reply

    tammy

    i think what u can do is ensure you don’t end up alone with him. if you find yourself in a situation like that just get up and go. make some excuse. washroom, drink, food, you gotta help, you need to catch up with so and so, check up on a friend, say you have to make an urgent call… if you try this few times am sure he will get the hint and leave you alone. and if people are ok gossiping about you and him, next time if he corners you, cant you just tell him the truth? that its not a gud idea for you guys to spend time alone as relatives start gossiping and it gets awkward for you. you can say politely but firmly. if he still doesn’t leave you alone, then that makes him a stalker and you have serious issue on your hands.

    #911039 Reply

    AngieBaby

    Start attending Al-Anon meetings. It’s for people who have someone in their lives whose alcohol use is a problem. They will be able to support you much better IRL and with better information than we can here.

    I had a relative whose drinking and drunk behavior caused a problem and everyone in the family was willing to overlook it. I had to just remove myself from situations early or not show up at all. And going to Al-Anon meetings for about 6 months really helped me get a handle on what to do and realize it wasn’t anything about me. Just Google for local meetings. I don’t know how COVID is affecting meetings, hopefully you can still find some.

    #911087 Reply

    Raven

    Say loudly;
    Why are you following me?!
    Please give me some space.

    Correct the people who are saying that you are the ‘problem.’ Tell them that he is the one bothering you…

    Sorry this is happening

    #911098 Reply

    Molly94

    Thank you so much for all of the feedback! And Raven, I am too nice. Lol. I’m 27 and he’s fricken 31. I love the whole family but no one intervenes and he’s past being able to quit on his own. It’s sad to watch because we all fear the call that he’s gone due to staggering into traffic or into the river at our campground, etc. We do understand each other with some things, but his drinking makes it hard on everyone to be around him. It’s hard when you can’t make the person see the problem and quit. I appreciate all of you.

    #911254 Reply

    tammy

    molly not much anyone can do in this situation if the guy doesn’t want to give up drinking. but u can take angie’s advice and attend these meetings to figure whats going on and how to help yourself out of such situations. but then again its not like hes close family or partner that you would want to make time and regularly go for these meetings. so best is to learn how to extricate yourself out of situations immediately the min you find yourself alone with him. make excuse and get away. or simply tell him hey lets avoid interacting alone since you dont like relatives gossiping about you. and that’s that.

    #911479 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    “He’ll say something to our siblings that makes me look bad and it starts all over” — when he says stuff about you to your siblings, how do you reply? Do you make it clear to them that HE’S the problem?

    I like Tammy’s idea– do everything you can to just stay away from him and not be alone with him. I also see her point that you may not want to invest the time/effort to attend meetings for someone who is not a close relative or partner. The thing to do may be to just avoid him. And make it clear to your siblings that you are uncomfortable around him– hopefully you will have an ally or allies among your siblings who would support you on this. You are THEIR sibling after all, they should have your back– not his.

    #920793 Reply

    Molly94

    I went on a date this past weekend and halfway through this guy told me that that he ran into the guy I talked about about above, the night before at the bar. He also told me he was under the impression that I was involved with the guy mentioned above. There are no social media posts or pictures of us and we don’t really hangout. Where would he get this idea? Is my guy friend likely saying things about me or implying things? These two guys know each other quite well, also.

    #920797 Reply

    Raven

    Probably not a good idea to ‘date’ the 2nd guy…

    Did you ask him how he got the idea you were ‘involved’ with the first guy?

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