This topic contains 24 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Alex 2 days, 7 hours ago.
September 6, 2019 at 9:48 pm #769129
Why can’t I move on from my 4 month long distance situationship? He pushed me away and became disrespectful so I ended it though I really wanted it to continue. Have been no contact for 6 weeks. Shall I contact him or move on?
Summary: Met on an app. Hit it off immediately on text and regular video calls for hours. He was British like me but living in Asia. His relationship status: going through a long divorce for 2 years as ex is dragging. Say he is over her. Says he is looking for a serious relationship. Seems it as consistent, into me and open. Met when he was back in UK after 1 month of intense texting and calling. Had amazing dates in London in real life and like we had known each other for ages. Kissed and he wanted more but respectful when I drew the line though lots of chemistry. Tells me I have all of the things he values in a woman and only had 2 with his ex.September 6, 2019 at 9:53 pm #769131
He suggests meeting again and willing to fly back to Europe. Express my hesitation: him still not divorced, far etc. He reassures me. Said he wants to come back to the UK to settle down. If he got into a relationship would fast track that etc. He wants to keep dating. Falling for him and trying not to as seems a long shot. Meet in Europe. By this point, talking daily for 3 months plus those long dates in London.
• Get to Europe. Seems to pull away a bit but we have an amazing time and to the outside world we look and act like a loved up couple. We are intimate but state I won’t have sex unless I am in love and in a serious relationship which he respects
• We have a few conversations about ‘us’ States when questioned ‘I do want to be in a serious relationship…. BUT I don’t know if I can’ WTF: BIG SURPRISE as I did ask him about his emotional availability
• I don’t want to hurt you (which means i think – I know I will as perhaps the reality and mismatch of what I said and do will start from now)
• I’m not coming back to the UK soon as it’s a bigger dealSeptember 6, 2019 at 10:03 pm #769137
He doesn’t call once after our trip and our contact reduced to texting. He asks to meet in the U.K. for weak vague reasons.
THE STRAW THAT BROKE THE CAMELS BACK: When i indicate pretty clearly I’m done on text, he doesn’t call when he says he will to talk about it – calling was his own idea. He does not he politely let me know beforehand he won’t call although he was on his phone the whole time that day and I had given a time when he asked 2 days earlierHe basically stood me up for our phone call so I calmly text him after getting a text the following day from him saying sorry and can we speak in London as he has been busy with work (though I’m angry and hurt) – I text him no need and he has shown me his headspace for weeks and time to end whatever this. Don’t tell him I’m hurt and how I feel he didn’t show good manners. He tells me he is butthurt by my texts as he wanted to cover this in conversation (doesn’t acknowledge how rude the no show was for the conversation we agreed to have but says he appreciates he hasn’t been communicative lately) and wishes me well and a long text of thank you for all the good times we shared etc and how the amazing guy I deserve will be there soon.
just can’t seem to forget about him and miss him. Was I harsh to end it how I did? Wish I had told him how I felt, but felt what was the point? It’s so rare for me to find a connection and can see this was maybe superficial but felt like more. Focussed on negatives for this post but from afar he had many things I liked.September 6, 2019 at 10:06 pm #769138
@Sara, why on earth would you contact him? You’ve got 6 weeks of no contact under your belt. Keep going!! The more time goes by, the faster he will fade out and you can forget him.
He’s making all the typical noises a guy going through a divorce or newly divorced makes. Claims he’s over it, wants to move on, wants a relationship with you… but in reality his heart is still in lock-up and he isn’t even closed to healed and is not BF material.
Plus you have the distance issue.
Everything you said indicates you knew you were playing with fire by dating him but you did it anyway. You only stand to get burned again, even worse, if you make contact. I promise you you’ll regret it if you go there again. I think you know that but you’re having a moment of weakness. Stay strong. YOu’ve done the right thing. Next time don’t even get involved with a guy who doesn’t have his divorce 100% done and behind him.September 6, 2019 at 10:15 pm #769140
Thanks Holly :( didn’t expect to miss him so much and never would have ended it by text if he has shown up or at least text me to say he couldn’t call in advance. Was it wrong to end it on text? I was just so overwhelmed by then couldn’t cope anymore. I was so upset / miffed and had been for weeks by what turned out to be headgames. Why did he fly out to meet me? He didn’t get sex. Some pseudo relationship. Why Talk to me so much and let me fall and hide his true issues… part of me wants to contact him for closure as I never gave him my real thoughts on how shady it felt or how I felt disrespected. Left undone and used. What was real etc.September 6, 2019 at 10:30 pm #769143
@Sara.. PLEASE get your own closure. No one else gives you closure but your own self. If you feel the need to vent, then write him a letter and tear it up or burn it once you get it out of your system. Women have to learn to be real and not edit themselves. If you don’t like something, say so at the time in reasonable terms. Trying too hard to play the cool girl backfires big time as you are now finding out.
You have to get your head around the fact that this was never going anywhere, this guy was never available, no matter what he said. Many guys think they’re ready and say they’re ready but when they meet someone they really like, they suddenly realize they are in over their heads and run for the hills. He likely was not deliberately trying to lead you on or play games. It got too real, that’s all. You didn’t do anything wrong and you shouldn’t let this lower your self worth.
It’s just too late to contact him to express all those feelings. The fact that he no-showed that call says it all.
I”m sorry – you got way too far in too fast, or you wouldn’t be this upset. You have to let a guy prove himself to you for the first six months. You were wise not to have sex… now you need to learn to keep your heart in check until enough time has passed and he’s shown you with matching words and actions he’s worthy.
At the three to four month mark, that’s about when the rubber meets the road and most of the time the situationship ends because one person doesn’t feel it enough to continue. That’s just life.September 6, 2019 at 10:32 pm #769144
Please don’t feel bad. Most of us girls have had this happen in our lives at least once. It’s a lesson learned so take it in stride and keep your head and standards up. There are plenty of good guys out there. I”m dating one. :)September 6, 2019 at 11:44 pm #769145
You were not wrong to end it in text @Sara. He didn’t want to talk, as shown by his not turning up to the call he asked for. He knows he’s not up for this now and in a guy’s mind there’s nothing else to talk about. Guys don’t like to talk like girls do, you have to understand that. He kind of forced you to do the dirty work via text because he knows he’s not going the distance with you, literally or figuratively.
It feels incomplete to you because you didn’t get to talk. And now you’ve got him on a pedestal because you’re second guessing yourself and are thinking from a scarcity mindset. There are tons and tons of guys out there like Holly said. There is never any reason to get involved with a man in the situation he’s in. You can’t win. But your mind is working overtime trying to find some loophole you missed that would have made it work. It doesn’t exist. Give yourself a break.
You did well to end it. Now keep going and don’t look back.September 7, 2019 at 12:06 am #769147
He isn’t an ex. He’s a guy you spoke with for a few months, who is still married and you saw him when he traveled to U.K. chances are high he is still fully married and not going through a divorce. It makes no sense to start a relationship with someone thousands of miles away. This was a bad risk from the beginning. Find a single man who is local who you can actually date. This guy just wasted your time. I guess I don’t understand the dating apps. For what reason would you seek out a person in another country? Men like this carry on double lives and use women for attention and sex. When you didn’t give him sex he decided to move on.September 7, 2019 at 1:03 am #769148
agree with karen. forget him and continue moving on and ahead. don’t look back. this loss is no loss. after a few months you will wonder just what you were thinking. and do not forget hes a married guy.September 7, 2019 at 7:53 am #769161
I’m not clear on how “chances are high” this guy is still fully married and not going through a divorce. Sure it’s a possibility but there’s absolutely no way for us to know automatically chances are high.
Sara – you really don’t know this man. You’ve spent very little time with in IRL with him. Text and email and video chatting don’t create genuine connection. You broke it off even though you wanted it to continue? Why? No, you were smart to break it off and I hope you’ve learned not to even get involved in a case like this, guy not through a divorce and long long distance to boot. At the very least date in your own country!
I agree you have him idolized and that this was never going anywhere. I think you’re so keen to be in a relationship that your standards are lower than they should be. This situation was way off to begin with. If you’re in London or in Great Britain somewhere there are loads of single blokes to choose from.September 7, 2019 at 9:38 am #769186
Better off single
No contact 6 weeks. You are doing great. Keep it up.
Keep telling yourself he doesn’t care, so why should you?September 7, 2019 at 7:04 pm #769243
Thanks so much all of you… logically make sense to keep going. Struggling to give myself closure. I know it seemed ridiculous I gave this so much energy and got invested but I have genuinely struggled to meet someone I have connected with in years. I had a short marriage when I was younger that ended due to abuse. Took a long time to get my confidence back and he was literally the first guy I’ve clicked with I. Years, although I’ve had a boyfriend since my divorce, I wasn’t even Into that guy like I was with this one. I’m in my late 30s now and fear I won’t have Children. I’m educated with a good job and attractive on the surface and really struggle to meet any guys from my Asian community in the city that I like. He really felt like someone special to me. But ultimately you’re right. It wasn’t a mutual feeling. He was never available to me and if he really cared he would have got in touch / called. Even my last text wasn’t rude but I did say we won’t be in contact anymore so felt I Made it hard for him to reach out if he has regrets. Guess if he really missed me and regretted it and wanted to make it work after he got a divorce, he would still get in touch as men go after what they truly want. I wasn’t that. Really fear I’ll end up alone.September 7, 2019 at 7:17 pm #769244
@karen for context – we matched on an app when he was visiting family in the U.K. I used to say ‘I don’t do long distance’ and only chatted to him because he was local and said he planned to return to the UK to settle down again with a Brit. And regarding the divorce, I am pretty sure that’s going through as he moved out over 2 years back and we spoke Many times on video in his home. Plus heard conversations when we were together 24/7 between him and his family talking about legalities. But you’re right. I was foolish to fall for words and should have walked away when he told
Me he wasn’t divorced yet (initially indicated He was) but all the chemistry, laughter and clicking / false hope got me sucked in. Thanks again for reminding me.September 8, 2019 at 1:26 am #769292
Girl no! He is married leave him ALONE. Move on, he is not leaving his wife for you. And stay off those dating apps , most of the guys on there are married men looking for a distraction. Move on!!September 13, 2019 at 7:39 am #769959
Sara, I wasin the exact same situation. Literally exact same. He is in the UK. I am travelling. He is going through the divorce (papers signed not sure if it’s all finalised)
And my guy? Done all the classic signs you talked of. The hot and cold behaviour, pulling away, video calling stopped, texts became less frequent and shorter, we started to fight a bit over LDR. He said a few times he wasn’t sure if he wanted to be with me & when I left? He’d chase me, apologise & we’d get back together. The cycle would repeat.
Let me tell you? If this is 4 months in? Imagine investing more than a year with this behaviour? Because it hurts. You’re in a great position to leave 4 months in.
My situation? Ended up him lying, leading me on, playing hot & cold, wanting me then not, he lied about a few silly things, refused to talk/call to fix issues and now? After a year of all of that? He almost slept with a girl. We no longer talk & there’s a very high chance he’s with the girl he almost cheated on me with.
My advice to you? Is echoing 100% what the others have said. Divorced men play this game. They don’t mean it. But they will mess people around. When they break up from a wife? They want someone to fill the void of what they’re missing, but lack the ability to fully commit because they have not yet healed, are still rebounding and are emotionally unavailable.
I feel you with this connection, as I am the same. We clicked. But it’s all one sided, because if he felt the same? He wouldn’t be telling you he doesn’t know what he wants/standing you up for calls he’s arranged. That’s the bitter truth.
I highly suggest you run, and run before you end up in a lot of pain like me. This man won’t be able to commit to anyone until he’s healed from what’s hurting him.
I’ve been reading a great book, I recommend to you it’s called Mr Unavailable and The Fall Back Girl by Natalie Lue. She also does another book called No Contact. Look them up. They’re helping me significantly. Read a lot of historic posts on here too, there’s a lot of similar posts whereby divorced/seperate dimensions act in identical ways. It was almost like reading the last year of my life in your post.
Please don’t put yourself through anymore pain because it gets harder each time.
As much as you say you struggle to find a connection? As a distraction get back out dating and remember you need to kiss a few frogs to find the prince!
Remember this isn’t you, or even his fault. He’s just not healed and you’re the the one to do this for him (no girl is).
Also remember you’re not alone. I’m feeling the pain you’re feeling right now and as much as I wish you wasn’t in pain and upset over this, it gives me great comfort knowing I’m not alone.September 13, 2019 at 7:47 am #769961
Also – learn from this too.
No regrets, just lessons learned.
I’ll never date a man who has been divorced less than 5 years as a rule of thumb after reading everything I’ve read on this.
I know this rule isn’t a one rule fits all males, however I’d tread very carefully if you meet a guy in this situation again. Unless he has healed and recovered fully? The outcome will always be the same!
Wishing you a speedy recovery!September 13, 2019 at 7:59 am #769963
i think some of the way you feeling is bec your in your late thirties, single, childless… hence the anxiety and the feeling what if u don’t meet anyone who makes you feel this way again? its clouding your judgement. firstly its not about one missed phone call and I think you know that deep down. its about the fact that you guys have been in a long distance relationship. no intimacy yet and no signs of ever living in the same city in the near future. to add to that the man is married. and you have no idea when the divorce is going to go through. o and once he gets a divorce, what are the chances that he will be up for getting into a serious relationship soon? leave a lone having a child and a marriage? you have so far done a good job of breaking off and staying off. lady why is it so difficult to see the reality? it was anyways never going to happen with him. either which way you don’t know when he will be free and when he will be ready to tie himself down again. a few years atleast! most posters here, infact all the posters are trying to tell you not to bother since this seems unlikely, why cant you see things for what they are?
6 weeks is a good time. don’t spoil things by connecting with him again. think with your head and not your heart. letthis one go. not for you.September 13, 2019 at 12:06 pm #769984
Sara, I too was in a very similar situation (see how many of us with the same problems!!). We both live in Europe in different countries and I was dating this guy for 4 months before it all finished.
My story is similar: great chemistry in the beginning, wonderfu dates – and then, gradually less and less contact (from his side), missed calls, not wanting to talk etc. My guy was not married or divorced but he was emotionally unavailable for whatever reason (my best guess: childhood trauma). He loved the attention but when things became more serious in a way, he pulled all the way back and ended it. Well, technically speaking I ended it but it was so clear he didn’t want to continue.
So that happened in March. First 2 months were hard. I was so tempted to message him, explain once again, talk. I was hoping that with time he understood he made a mistake and was just too scared to reach out (yeah, right!). I didn’t want to date anyone and I was just sure I would never click with anyone again.
As a matter of fact, I did click with someone recently. We shall see where it goes. My point however is that you CAN connect with people in the future and you will. Just like you, I find it hard to become interested in someone and I’m in my mid 30s… so I can feel the clock ticking!September 13, 2019 at 12:28 pm #769991
Hello. I went thru something similar in LD with a man.
Told me he was “going thru a divorce”. Future faking, disappearing acts, poor communication. He came to my city often as his relatives live here. I was a nice and convenient.
I was getting suspicious a lot although he said I love you like no tomorrow. Something felt off.
Well guess what, I went put up a phony profile on the dating app where we met. I messaged & he eventually replied. I ask him questions and he is looking for “friends”. His wife and him dont have sex anymore! No mention of a divorce! At one point later on he mentioned about getting blood work done a lot. (Which he never bothered to tell the real me by the way!)
So fast forward one month I dont hear back from him online or by text. Thinking he was seriously, I search his name online Sure enough he died- from leukemia.
Guess what else? There was a photo of him and his “wife” sharing wedding vows with both their families all present. It happened during his treatment as I saw he was extremely thin and had needle marks in his neck!
The entire time with me, sure he was going thru a divorce- but he was seeing someone else too!
Stay away from long distance situations! You have NO idea what they are really up to And it could end up being as crazy as this!!!September 15, 2019 at 2:22 pm #773115
Appreciate all the follow up messages and stories on the thread. I hope I don’t disappoint anyone but I did crack and message him one last time and can say it was a good thing and wouldn’t necessarily recommend anyone who is in a similar situation does the same. I think this guy I was messed around by didn’t mean me any harm BUT still doesn’t excuse how he treated me. We started with a casual chat, he immediately replied with ‘how good it was to hear from me, and he thought of me a lot’ and chit chat. Eventually after small talk said I was miffed with him. I said the headlines (not the detailed 35 things in a list that he did!!). Basically that he disrespected me for the no show, lack of basic manners with that and little effort to communicate after our trip generally and pushing me away. Showed insincerity/ lack of depth. He took it all with a sorry for his actions. Seemed genuine and Said he was glad I got in touch and a chance to apologise for his actions. He said his Behaviour stemmed from having difficulty addressing uncomfortable situations. Said he is working on it. Said he didn’t delete me from the app we met on, he deleted all the Dating apps, saw his ex wife on one too. He said he didn’t have the emotional energy for them. Who knows if that was true or the part about his divorce proceeding but doesn’t matter either way as he said again he wanted to see me happy and with a family that I deserve. I am special to Him. What you all said. He was not available to me, never was no matter what he said but don’t think he set out to cause pain. He did and I must keep moving on. I feel a little bit validated today. I wish I could have given myself closure but slightly relieved he was decent to me today and told me I meant something.September 15, 2019 at 2:40 pm #773121
@Alex… wow so similar :( be strong. I’ve read most of Natalie lue’s Baggage Reclaim Website on emotionally unavailable men. They are all the same. Disconnected from their words and actions. Flakey. I haven’t read those books but should. @Em’s story gives me faith maybe I’ll meet someone I click with again. I don’t know if it will be in time to have kids which is my biggest sadness as that’s all I’ve ever wanted, to be a good partner to someone and a mum. The struggles is real.
@suki your Story was shocking! It’s actually frightening how you can think you know someone but have no idea. LDR are so dangerous like that. Here are some of the lessons I’ve learnt which might help someone elseSeptember 15, 2019 at 2:42 pm #773122
Hi Sara-glad you feel better. Just a couple “2 cents” from my view. Firstly,the Natalie Fallback girl book mentioned by another poster,is excellent and
very helpful to me to break patterns and recognize “bad bets”.
Secondly-don’t miss the main point here-you said he told you “you meant something” to him. NO,you didn’t or he would not have treated you that way! But this is about him and his bad behaviour,not anything “wrong” with you. Really,get and read the book-it helped me go no contact with one of these type guys-even as he tried to keep me” bread crumbed in his web”. You can find a great guy-I have.September 15, 2019 at 3:46 pm #773128
@peggy you’re absolutely right! Even the whole missing someone thing. It doesn’t mean anything without the actions. If you truly care, missing someone means actions so you don’t have to. It means planning to meet, showing up, being caring instead of paying lip service.
Here are some lessons I learnt to take forward
– Stick with; don’t date a guy who isn’t divorced or had some time to heal after the end of a significant relationship/ engagement (ideally a year from the break up) with therapy
– Never trust a man fully as you just can’t but don’t be overly suspicious of a guy who has actions and words that match
– Don’t trust a guy who isn’t honest about his relationship status from the start
– Question a guy making big promises with supplementary questions and keep it playful but focused
– If he skips a question, come back to it so you know the answer
– – – Say what you want early on and check you’re on the same page and check in at intervals gently about intentions
– Let him know what’s going well; show appreciation and encourage the connection
– If he pisses you off; observe and say so politely and establish boundaries.
– Let him know respectfully when he does something that’s not okay eg say how you felt and describe what he did and if that was his intention ‘I felt hurt as it seemed like you weren’t prioritising me, maybe even like it was a bit of a game when you text me then didn’t reply for days when I did. Was that your intention?
– – – Say what you need: ‘I need consistent communication and being treated like a priority by someone I’m dating and that includes a timely reply to messages. I appreciate we’re both busy and I don’t have time for long text conversations either when I’m seeing patients but our phones are right by us and it doesn’t take long to send a quick one even on a busy day. I think it’s reasonable to expect you to be dependable when I’ll give the same back. Even when seeing patients, I can get in touch for a minute of my day to show you’re important. I don’t want to leave that in doubt. I’m looking to build a solid foundation here, so communication and making each other a priority is important. If you have different ideas on what’s needed to make this grow, please let me know or if you can’t give me what I need. If you need space, which we all need at times, please communicate that clearly because If this keeps happening without that, I’ll interpret that as pulling away or passive aggressive, behaviours i dislike and harm the relationship. I’ll take inconsistency or lack of effort as a sign of disinterest and back off myself. I’ve never been more interested in someone the less effort someone makes, quite the opposite. I don’t like games. The more you invest, the more you’ll get’
– Observe to begin with – If you don’t hear from him at least once a day, back off
– Look for consistency
– If words and actions don’t match a couple of times; let him know and end it if he pulls away after intimacy
– If he deviates from big promises, call him out and step back and let him prove himself to be worthy and if not, walk away
– Keep actively dating other guys until exclusive
– If he isn’t committing to exclusivity by 2 – 3 months of regular dating, end it
– Date local menSeptember 15, 2019 at 4:16 pm #773134
I am glad you have learned a bit from this experience. Its super painful but we’ll get there.
Please do not reach out to him again – go full no contact & buy the book I suggested. Move forwards. Its easy now – as you’ve spoken to him – but soon, you’ll start to miss him & the pain will come back – stay strong.