Should I bring it up or not?


Home Forums Dating and Sex Advice Should I bring it up or not?

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  • #775794 Reply
    Judy

    Hi guys, I’ve been with my bf just over a year now. Our relationship is considered healthy. However, he emotionally cheated 7months into the relationship. I gave him a chance and things got back to normal. He bought a place which is 5 min away from mine (his old place were 45min away).

    Tonight I noticed they are following each other on Instagram. There’s a photo of me and my bf in one photo. A photo that shows that we are a couple and that girl liked it.

    Should I bring it up or let it go?

    Thanks guys

    #775795 Reply
    Danita

    Choose your battles wisely

    #775796 Reply
    Judy

    Yes, that’s the thing. I’m the type that don’t want to cause a fight.

    I’m telling myself, if that girl likes the photo, it means she’s happy for us?

    #775800 Reply
    Anderson 

    Before answering the should, are you even capable to sincerely ignore and let it go?

    #775801 Reply
    T from NY

    These types of situations require you to take time to ask yourself what it is YOU want. You don’t speak with your boyfriend until you have that figured out. I agree it is wise counsel to pick your battles — but I personally would not put up with a guy who emotionally cheated 7 mos into our relationship (so not even at the very beginning but after you were established as a couple) then a few months later being connected fo the person he cheated with, viewing her pictures and posts and what not.

    There will be people who disagree. But for me to give a partner a chance to regain my trust (which I’ve reached a point I would rarely give that chance) it would mean complete no contact with that individual where it can be avoided). So it’s all up to what YOU want and need to feel safe in the relationship.

    Many are very blasé about infidelity. Many feel that contact ‘out in the open’ means it’s less of a threat. But I’ve seen the very opposite. So ask yourself if your man has done EVERY thing else he can do to make himself now trustworthy and maybe you do look aside for now, manage your own insecurities and keep a lookout on the situation. OR you approach him when you are very calm and tell him going forward if there are ways he can avoid contact with that woman, including social media, you would appreciate he do so out of respect for you and to continue to show he is committed to your exclusive relationship.

    I’m sorry this happened and you do not deserve that stress if you are a good partner. I definitely would not be planning any future next steps with someone who emotionally cheated until I was very sure of their character over time. The last thing you want is to be juggling a baby while crying into your hands. Hopefully he deserves you and can be a safe partner.

    #775811 Reply
    Bets

    No don’t bring it up. Walk with your head held high and realize this guy is lucky to have you. Keep believing it! Soon you won’t give a care who he communicates with.

    Nothing you say or do will change what the future will bring. So be the best person you can be, be kind to everyone (even that girl he cheated with because she’s got life problems too).
    Everyone makes mistakes. Don’t allow yourself to be punished for his.

    #775812 Reply
    Newbie

    I wonder what you would call emotionally cheating. Depending on how big he crossed boundaries i would decide what to do. If it was fairly significant, i would do exactly what T said. If it was more innocent, i would let this go

    #775829 Reply
    Judy

    Thanks guys for all the advice.

    I do love this guy a lot and I know everyone says there will always a better person out there but to be he is perfect for me.

    I agree, 7 months into the relationship he emotionally cheated already really breaks my heart. He came back for another chance and apologized. he didn’t make up any excuses for his behavior.

    I felt the distance with him at that time and bought it up with him. He breaks things off with that girl then 2 weeks later he asked me if I can give him a chance back.

    The fact that he purchased a house 5 min away from me gave me that reassurance when we got back together and we went on a few holidays together.

    Yes, I’m still confused as to what to do.

    Thanks guys again

    #775842 Reply
    redcurleysue

    Our relationships are only as strong as the weakest partner.

    So, do you want a weaker partner or a stronger partner? That is your decision to make but staying with him will always cause anxiety.

    I want a strong partner and will not settle for less. But that is me.

    #775975 Reply
    Judy

    Hi Guys,

    So I decided to msg my bf on Monday to let him know how I upset to find out that he accepted her on Insta.

    He replied back apologizing and said the girl requested the invite and he thought about it for a few days and he know i wont like it yet he still decided to accept her because he thinks it is ok! He said he didn’t mean to cause anything.

    By Tuesday, he still haven’t unfollowed this girl and i thought i made it very clear in my msg to him on Monday that im not comfortable about it given the past history.

    So i msg him again to tell him to unfollow her. He replied back saying sorry again and he didn’t realised my msg was to tell him to unfollow her.

    So he did unfollow her and also told me he has deleted the app too. However, he also send me a msg straight after that i hang around with my cousin too much.

    My cousin is one of those really strict and crazy gf type of girl.

    I’m thinking wtf?! why would u make a comment like that. It;s almost like he wanted his last words and that i’m been dramatic over here.

    Do you guys think I should send another msg to let him know that this has nothing to do with my cousin and what triggered me this time is because of what you did in the past? Or should i just leave it and let him have his last word?

    I went into insta today and i can see that he has definitely removed her.

    #775976 Reply
    Judy

    To add, he thinks it is okay to accept her because that is the polite thing to do and especially you know the person.

    #775986 Reply
    LJ

    I’m going to give you a blunt short reply because maybe you’ll actually read it: You ignored everyone’s advice last time around, so why are you coming back and asking for advice this time around?

    You give him crap about a petty thing that is a complete non-issue, and now he’s giving you crap back for something that you don’t think is an issue. Break the cycle, don’t bother bringing this up with him. For good measure, you should go and apologize for the trouble you caused bringing up the Instagram thing.

    #775988 Reply
    Judy

    LJ, i think you should read my initial post first.

    #775990 Reply
    Anderson

    Seems a little childish to say that about your cousin as a retort that doesn’t even make sense. But tbh too few people in this world can admit they did something wrong, or correct themselves without deflecting.

    Let it go for now maybe y’all can discuss it once tempers have cooled. Especially since you got what you wanted.

    #775992 Reply
    Judy

    Thanks, Anderson.

    #775998 Reply
    Newbie

    Saying all this over text really blows it all up. Why not wait to say you noticed this and since he already broke your trust before this makes you question him in person. But he did what you asked so leave it alone.
    All in all i dont have a good feeling about this relationship being so healthy honestly. Im not saying its the opposite but why did you write it was healthy?

    #776007 Reply
    Warasen

    In the future these discussions should be done in person not over text. Important topics, like this, should be presented with all the things body language, intonation, etc… that’s available so there is no miscommunication.

    I agree with Newbie, let the matter drop. He complied with your request.

    It does seem insensitive of him to reconnect with a woman that he developed an emotional bond with. He should have known that would cause a problem. The good thing is he didn’t try to hide it or lie about it when you confronted him. I think you did the right thing by talking to him about it. Ignoring it wouldn’t have been the right solution.

    #776012 Reply
    Better off single

    She liked the photo because you 2 are happy together and maybe all she cares about is him being happy even if it’s not with her because she knows she can meet someone else who is actually available. Some women are capable of putting feelings aside and letting s×it go. Not to be a bunny boiler and create more drama.

    He unfriended her and deleted the app so how long are you going to hang an emotional affair over his head? That’s just asking for resentment.

    #776019 Reply
    Lane

    I am going to give it to you straight…he is keeping score, and your relationship is on very rocky ground.

    He thinks you are too controlling, like your cousin, which is the connection he’s seeing between the two, and was pretty much was telling you “If you don’t lighten up I’m going to leave.” I would have left (broken up) the moment he added her!

    The one thing I know about men is they will fight for their freedom (autonomy) when they feel like they are being controlled or told what to do like a mommy tells a child what to do. For instance, last night I had a male customer complaining about his GF nagging him about drinking a beer after work with a co-worker. He then told me he was going home to drink a few more just to piss her off the way she pissed him off. He didn’t like being told what he couldn’t do as an adult grown man by his woman, and they will fight back when you cross the line just to put you in your place. If you keep it up they’ll replace you with someone who doesn’t boss them around, possibly like the woman he was emotionally cheating with?

    The problem you have is that you don’t trust him or you wouldn’t have brought it up. He wouldn’t have added her, after a few days of contemplation, knowing you were going to find out and it was going to tick you off. Although he apologized, I think he’s having second thoughts about this relationship and through action (by adding her) was essentially telling you “I’m checking out of this relationship; I miss my freedom too much.”

    #776022 Reply
    Tallspicy

    I am usually all for owning your own responses around men and women friends. But, he had an emotional affair with her and now he is adding her? This man has bad judgement and that can’t be changed.

    He feels threatened? Too bad.

    While this was not something to discuss by text, this guy is too much work. And he is now projecting problems into you instead of owning the hurt he caused and is causing. He is going to break up with you most likely as he is now looking for things that are wrong with you, but that does not sound like a bad outcome.

    You should never have to tell someone… you cheated with this person now you have to stay away from them in all ways.

    This is not a her thing, this is a him thing that cannot be fixed because you already tried.

    #776036 Reply
    K

    I”m sorry Judy but you’re probably going nowhere with this guy.

    He accepted her request even though he knew you wouldn’t like it???? Nope. That’s a very selfish choice. Disrespectful to the max. Suggests he’s not entirely done with her.

    He admitted an emotional affair with her. I’d be extremely uncomfortable if my BF or HB added someone on social media they’d been misbehaving with.

    I would also have said something – in person. Discussing this over text was your mistake. I can tell by your use of English that you are probably a big texter but the problem is when you have a problem it requires face to face communication. He’s now going tit for tat with you. Not good.

    If you two can’t discuss and resolve your issues in person, your relationship isn’t going to work out in the long run. Everyone hits the skids. Mature adults handle it. This whole situation suggests you two still have some growing up to do.

    Just because he bought a house 5 minutes from you doesn’t mean he really wants you.

    #776037 Reply
    Ewa

    the fact that he removed her from insta doesn’t mean they do not talk to each other, cause this is what happened to me

    #776047 Reply
    kaye

    First of all, I think you were right to bring this up because it’s the kind of thing that will nag at you and make you totally snap and go off on his for something unrelated because you’re upset about this deep down. But I don’t think you were right in trying to do this over messaging instead of in person. It obviously led to him not understanding you wanted him to unfollow her.

    DO NOT send another message about the cousin. He apologized and did as you asked so the next time you are together ask him what it is about your cousin which made him say that. He is doing something you requested of him, so the least you can do is listen to why he thinks you hang out with your cousin too much.

    And I’m not sure what you mean when you say “our relationship is considered healthy.” By who? Do you have friends and family go around telling you how healthy your relationship is? And this place he bought 5 minutes from you, did he get your input when buying it? Is it somewhere you can build a future together? Is it a place you would want to live? If he didn’t treat this purchase as a place he sees you living with him in the future and get your input then I don’t see how that is reassuring at all!

    Essentially what he told you is, he knew you wouldn’t like him accepting her friend request, but did it anyway, and chose his friendship with her over upsetting you!! I don’t think your relationship is as healthy as you seem to think.

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