This topic contains 11 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Ss 7 months, 3 weeks ago.
December 18, 2018 at 8:46 pm #732769
I have somewhat bitter sweet feelings about this situation as things are going extremely well with a guy I’m currently dating….but there is something that is bugging me.
We’ve been dating for 10 weeks, he asked me to be exclusive around the 4 or 5 week mark. Things have been really amazing. He is consistent, he initiates every time, he makes time for me and we just generally enjoy each other’s company and enjoying getting to know each other. Prior to this I have had quite a roller coaster time with online dating and dating one flake after the other. So it’s quite nice to be with someone who clearly shows signs of being into me and interested in a long term relationship. He is showing me consistent signs that he really adores me. This Friday I’m going to meet his best friend and his partner for the first time and he is already planning a meeting between me and his family in the NY.
I’m 37, he is 42 and we both have children with 50/50 custody. He’s had it a bit harder than me with separating from his ex as they are still nutting out custody arrangement through court and have only been separated for 18 months. I have been divorced for nearly 5 years and I get along with my ex.
Very early on in out courtship, we shared a bit about past relationships since splitting from our spouses. He’s had a few girlfriends, but no one in particular who he had strong feelings for…except one woman, who technically wasn’t his girlfriend, but they grew pretty close. Let’s just say, he was very straight up about how he felt about each and every ex girlfriend, including this woman who I’m about to tell you about. Here is the story…
He met her at church last Christmas eve and was taken by her straight way. He asked for her number and they pretty much started hanging out straight away. She comes from Mexico and we are in New Zealand. At the time she was here for on a working/holiday visa (tbh, I’m not sure and don’t want to ask him about that). She is also married and her husband was still in Mexico at the time of her meeting my guy. Regardless of this, she reciprocated his feelings enough to allow him to become completely infatuated with her. He admitted to me that he was very much into her and wanted to sleep with her, but she didn’t want to as she was married. But yet, she continued to spend time with him and according to him they grew pretty close. From what he was describing, he even put online dating on hold while she was around.
Anyhow, she went back to Mexico and he started dating again. His relationship with the first woman after the Mexican women lasted for about 2 months and it seemed like they could have progressed things. But one day he was showing her something on Whatsapp and she noticed messages from the Mexican women. Whatever she saw was obviously enough for her to become alarmed. According to him she grabbed his phone and looked at the messages. She asked him that if the Mexican woman had still been in the country whether he would be with her now and he admitted that he would. With this she asked him to leave her house and that he was a player etc. So things ended for them. He did not make any attempt to smooth things out with her after that. He told me that she messaged him a month later asking him how he is and that she is sorry about her overreaction. By then he was already seeing someone else and told her this.
Fast forward to now, he started dating me 10 weeks ago and this was when he told me all of this. Now I have to admit, when he told me about the strong feelings he had for the Mexican woman, it was a bit of a kick in the gut. By then we had already been dating for about 6 weeks, so my feelings had increased a bit since the beginning. I also knew that they were still in touch and he was referring to her as ‘his friend’. I kind of buried it in the back of my mind and decided to tackle my worries when the time is right. I justified this with the fact that we had only been dating for a very short time and I did not want to appear jealous/clingy or act like that other woman did.A couple of weeks ago he texted me to say hi. I asked him what he was doing that day and he said he was checking out immigration information for his Mexican friend. I asked him if she was planning to return to NZ and he said yes, they both were (her and her husband. I’ll admit, I did not like this and I basically cut the conversation short there and then and went off line.
So last week I did something which was a bit naughty. He came to my house and connected his phone to my speaker to play music. This means that his phone was unlocked while the music was playing. I ran out of something and he offered to go to the shop and this was when a little light bulb went off in my head. I said something along the lines of well now I’m going to lose the music and he said he’ll leave his phone. As soon as he left, I opened his messages between them.
What I found was good and also a bit gut wrenching. So the good things are that he talks about me, telling her that he sees a long term relationship with me, telling her how much he likes me etc. She asked him a few weeks ago if he is going to ask me to be his GF. I did not look at his reply to this as I had to be quick, but obviously he has already asked me to be exclusive. So all in all, this is good right. However…
He messages her absolutely everyday, good morning and good night…just like he does with me. A few weeks ago she posted photos of herself at some party and he commented on how pretty she looked and how he is sure that she was the admiration of every man in the room. When she chats, she is extremely affectionate, saying good morning handsome beautiful man and sending him ‘when you miss someone’ memes and stuff. To be fair, apart from commenting on her photos, he hasn’t reciprocated this affection, but just the fact that he is messaging her daily and calling her, is a bit of a kick to the gut.
I have spoken to my friends about it. 2 of them reckon that he is doing everything right with regards to our relationship and that I should wait it out a bit and then bring it up in a calm manner when the time is right.
I can’t help but feeling a bit weird about this. I mean, she is in Mexico and married. Immigration laws have tightened so much and it takes ages for some people to get here, even if they get accepted. I just don’t understand, he also only spent 2 months with her. The only thing I can put it down to is that he never got to sleep with her, so she’ll always be this mystery to him. But I just don’t want to be the no 2 and feel that he would drop me like a hot potato if she ever give him a sign that she is available. At the same time, he told her about me and he has also mentioned to me that he is still talking to her, but until reading those messages I had no idea it was so frequent.
My question is…should I talk to him about it? And when would be a good time.
Any advice would be appreciated.December 18, 2018 at 9:23 pm #732770
Where to begin?
1. He is still MARRIED!
2. He sees NO problem whatsoever with trying to convince a married woman to have an affair. Had she not said no, he had no problem cheating and getting her to cheat on her husband.
3. He is infatuated with this woman and if you want to believe they are platonic, that is up to you. His last ‘girlfriend’ was smart enough to see his player mentality and pulled the plug. Let’s face it, he was stupid enough to tell her he was still emotionally attached to the Mexican woman. He isn’t too bright either.
4. He is an open book, to a fault with you regarding these past ‘affairs.’ I would call that a bright red, neon, flashing RED flag. It’s one thing to know a bit about someone’s dating past, especially the last few, but the fact you can tell the story about his situation with the Mexican and that other woman, as if you were actually there when it happened, shows was unusual level of inappropriate detail he shared with you.
You were smart to Question yourself. Why would a man who is so into you, so painstakingly share every bit and detail about two other women he saw prior to you? And you found your answer by sneaking into his phone.
IMO he is warning you about who he is. And based on what you write he isn’t Mr. Wonderful. Him texting her everyday like a boyfriend? That is so inappropriate and disrespectful to her husband and I think you know this. I doubt her husband knows and if he did, would believe this was platonic. They are having an emotional affair.
His talking about you, is no different than her discussing her husband. This is what happens in affairs. You talk about life, in some ways ‘tease’ each other by talking about the current beau and then focus on your emotional attachment.
You can bring this up with him, but I am sure he will brush it off and just say they are friends. what you have to consider is that if her life situation changes, will he drop you and run to her the first chance he gets?
This man really isn’t ready for a long term relationship. He hasn’t even officially ended the marriage. Custody isn’t settled, and he is bouncing through a few flings like most men who get their sense of freedom again after the marriage dissolves.
I caution you that you are in major rebound territory. I don’t think this man knows what he wants. But he is sure being an open book about the fact that he does have a number one candidate who lives in Mexico and who he is at least very emotionally attached to. I would guard my heart on this one. You are both in very different places post marriage situations, and while he rushed to be exclusive, that isn’t unusual for men used to being in relationships/having regular sex/companionship.
Any idea why his marriage failed? That’s what you should be wanting to know about.December 18, 2018 at 9:50 pm #732772
@Ok, their marriage failed because according to him they were not compatible and it started showing more and more towards the last year or so. I totally see where you’re coming from. I’m not sure how to handle this :(December 18, 2018 at 10:00 pm #732775
You don’t trust him. Do you really believe you ever will trust him, given what he divulged and what you have seen?
If you are trying to impress a new woman like you, do you think its great judgment to admit he wanted to have an affair with a married woman? Does that pass your own moral compass? Or the fact he continues an emotional affair with her?
I don’t know what you think he is going to tell you that will reduce any angst you have about their ‘relationship.’ Do you want him to cease contact with her?
I think you have to have an idea in your head about what makes this right for you before you have a discussion. You don’t know him very long at all. Two months? That’s nothing. You really don’t know anything about him.
I would be more concerned he shared every little detail with you about the Mexican woman and how they met, wanted sex, how he is so into her, how being into her affected his last relationship, how he is going to help her with a VISA, etc, etc. but was totally vague about why his marriage broke.
Not compatible? What? They didn’t like the same food? He likes to sleep late and she gets up early? Sometimes its more important to listen to what isn’t said as much as what IS said.December 18, 2018 at 10:12 pm #732779
Pushing for her and her husband to immigrate -pining for her while he’s got you to fill his needs.
Don’t say anything to him. Just watch him some more.
My guess is he’s waiting for her and wants her to move closer so he can make his move on her while he has you in the mean time.
I’d feel inadequate. Not good enough. Second rate. CONSTANTLY.
Man, you’re one tough cookie. I couldn’t handle a situation like that.December 18, 2018 at 10:47 pm #732798
He’s in love with someone else, and keeping you around for something to do while he waits for his “friend”. He’s telling you and showing you how immature and selfish and confused he is.
If you want to be in a relationship with someone, you deserve someone who is 100% there. It’s been 10 weeks, I would face the writing on the wall (that you are indeed number 2) and walk away with some self respect and dignity. Sorry dear. He’s not ready for you.December 18, 2018 at 10:55 pm #732799
” So it’s quite nice to be with someone who clearly shows signs of being into me and interested in a long term relationship. He is showing me consistent signs that he really adores me. This Friday I’m going to meet his best friend and his partner for the first time and he is already planning a meeting between me and his family in the NY.”
He is doing the same things with her that he does with you. Right down to texting and talking with you both everyday and planning on a way to get her to move closer to him.December 18, 2018 at 11:03 pm #732800
Your story is exactly why the common wisdom on this site is not to date a man until he’s been divorced for at least two years or so.
What a mess. I hope you see that you need to walk away from this. He isn’t ready to be in another relationship and give himself completely. That’s why he’s hung up on a married woman in another country. It’s very safe. It’s not real and isn’t going to be. You’re being used, darling. Get out before you get sucked in any further. There are better guys out there. You’re much further down the line than he is in development and your divorce is completely behind you. Look for someone who’s in the same place.December 19, 2018 at 1:01 am #732807
Don’t date these separated guys! I broke my rule and did it recently because he said he thought he was in a good place, initially.
BIG MISTAKE!December 19, 2018 at 9:40 am #732843
You have received great insight here so far. My contribution is that there are three of you in the relationship.
I would get out NOW. he jumps from woman to woman and is in love with chica.November 17, 2019 at 9:40 pm #777707
An update on this story. We are in fact still together. Around our 3 month mark, I confronted him about her. He was taken aback and assured me I’m the only one for him and he had no emotional attachment to her anymore what so ever. I said that I was going to walk, that I’m not going to share a man with another woman and that if he keeps up his behaviour with this woman, that I’m not going to sit around and be the ‘here girl’.
The next day he phoned her and ended all contact with her. A month later he received a message from one of her friends who came out to New Zealand to study for a few months. She brought gifts over for him and his children from the other Mexican woman. He showed me this message and his response to it, which basically said that he is no longer in contact with her.
A few months later, the friend messaged again saying she will soon be leaving New Zealand to return to Mexico and that this is his last chance to collect the gifts. Again he showed me this message and his response. He said that he wished her all the best, but that at this stage it will be inappropriate to accept gifts from her as he had ended contact with her and is not planning to talk to her again.
Fast forward to now, we have been dating for just over a year. We are happy, our kids get along. We have planned a holiday to Europe in a year’s time. He often says to me that he is in love with me and he had found his dream woman.
The reason I’m following up on this thread is to proof that there is hope for even the most dire looking situations. Early dating is such an mine field and people put their hearts at risk to find ‘the one’. No one is perfect and we all make mistakes. Yes, the situation with the Mexican woman did hurt me and he knows that. But his actions since then have showed me over and over that I had been his number one all along.
Good luck to all ladies out there looking for love. :)November 18, 2019 at 8:04 am #777737
Thank you so much for the update Mel! Its so nice to hear a good outcome. Reading the advice you were given last year I was thinking it seemed a bit harsh to say you should walk, he loves her not you etc.
I think we often post on here forgetting those post on here are likely in difficult relationships, feeling confused about dating, going through a breakup etc so maybe they are likely to be more cynical? I don’t know, but its really lovely to see how you pulled the situation back and you are still with your bf!