Should I be upset?


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This topic contains 7 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  a fan 3 weeks, 4 days ago.

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  • #750878 Reply

    Lizzy

    So my boyfriend and I are semi long distance. He lives an hour amd a half away from me right now with his parents. He moved in with them so he could save some money for us to get our own place eventually. We have a timeline of him moving here by the end of this year and then getting our own new place soon after that.

    I have my own place. Every weekend he comes down for a long weekend after work and lives with me.

    He is supposed to come this Saturday night. I am coming back from a vacation and haven’t seen him in about two weeks. I miss him so much.

    I had mentioned to him that one of my good friends invited us to a bbq on Sunday. I was so excited to go. He and I never made an official plan for Sunday. I just threw it out there.

    Today he messages me that his parents are having a family bbq that day too and they want him there.

    I am so extremely disappointed. I’m not mad at him, but I feel a bit abandoned. The bbq that my friend is having is practically a couples fest and now I have to go alone and he can’t come. I don’t even want to go at all now, hutI told my friend we were coming and I feel bad if I bail. And then just sit at home and sulk.

    And secondly, he didn’t invite me to his. I haven’t met his family yet. I know its a big step. But we are very serious. He talks about marriage someday.

    I just feel so sad about all of this. Am I justified?

    #750879 Reply

    Warasen

    You had no solid plans for Sunday so I don’t think you should be upset at him for that.

    I know most guys would go with his girl rather than his parents though. Is it a 2 day weekend for him? If it is, he would spend the extra time with you, even if it’s just to wake up together.

    Has he met your family? If you 2 are serious enough to plan to move in together and “talk” about marriage, you should meet the family.

    #750880 Reply

    T from NY

    Sometimes if we’re scared to ask the questions — it’s because our gut is telling us something might be up. I see absolutely no reason why you couldn’t express to your boyfriend how important this function is to you — despite you not having made “official plans”. Life isn’t always perfectly scheduled. Things that are important to us come up.

    Ask if you could drive to his when you arrive off your vacation, attend his family bbq for a couple of hours – then drive to your friends function and introduce him to people. Maybe he could take the next day off work and stay overnight with you. No none of this is ideal. But relationships are about compromise (all the driving) and getting needs met (him introducing you to family and you taking him to a couples party.)

    Rarely are situations described here solely about the one situation at hand. This whole scenario seems to me possibly symbolic of you not feeling heard in the relationship. (I don’t know if this is the case for you but….) sometime partnerships are all hunky-dory when the woman coasts along, enjoying “how lucky” she is to have such a good man. But then when she starts to ask for things – even things that are reasonable – things get wobbly. A mans true investment comes out. You do not indicate how long you’ve been together. If it less than 6-8 months some men move slower than others. But if it’s been at least that — and you are not normally a pain in the arse —you should be able to ask for things that are important to you even when they are inconvenient. Just when speaking to him about it don’t be emotional. Men respond well to matter of fact. Say to him I want to express something I need … etc. I’m wondering if Sunday would be a good day for me to meet your family. And since I’ve missed you so much and I want you around my friends — can we make this situation work? Best of luck.

    #750915 Reply

    Lane

    I too am wondering how long you’ve been together? If its been a short time then he may not be really ready for that level of investment yet, even though he talks about it, he still may not be in a position to ACT upon it.

    Also coming up with solutions is a critical skill you need to develop or you’re going to feel this way A LOT. Although men by nature are pretty good problem solvers they don’t always see the BIG PICTURE and only focus on what’s in front of them so as a woman you will need to expand that picture for them by offering other suggestions, alternatives or workarounds. Even if you don’t think of it right then, you should re-approach it when you have that ‘aha’ moment such as the one T from NY suggested by attending at least one together, such as his families or both even if there’s a lot driving involved it can be done if you can get him onboard with idea such as “hey, I just thought about this and want to know what you think. Why don’t we both go to yours and I can meet your family and then if there’s time we can drive back and spend some time with our friends which is a WIN WIN for both of us.”

    Let him process it and if he comes up with a bag of excuses I would not only be royally pissed but then seriously reconsider continuing with Mr. Future Faker (look it up) because if all he offers is a lot of WORDS (future talk) without any meaningful ACTIONS behind them, as men are ‘action orientated’ then he could very well be blowing a lot of hot air up your you know what. The formula you should apply to men is WORDS + ACTION = TRUTH. If all you have is words and no meaningful actions behind them then its a major red flag and should not believe them until you see verifiable actions behind them on a consistent and regular basis or you’re setting yourself up for heartbreak. The fact he hasn’t even introduced you to his family yet is TALKING about moving in together should give you great pause as to whether this man is full of empty air.

    #750916 Reply

    Ewa

    I don’t think he would be interested in going to 2 bbq , if he did he would suggest it, although like Lane said sometimes men don’t think that way.
    also it would mean one person staying sober and knowing guys he wouldn’t be up for it

    #750948 Reply

    Carolyn

    I can’t believe you two are talking about moving in together at the end of the year and yet you haven’t met his parents!! What is up with that? It’s an hour and a half away not a plane ride! I don’t understand why you aren’t invited. You should go meet his family on Sunday for the BBQ which would be a great way to tell you’re friend why you can’t make her party.

    #750950 Reply

    Khadija

    I agree with Carolyn. I’m not sure how long you two have been dating but, if you plan on moving in its time to meet the family.

    #750953 Reply

    a fan

    Hey “T from NY”, can I just carry you around in my pocket for advice on the fly? You and Khadija always give consistently good advice and I learn so much from what you tell others who post. :) And you are always so respectful when you do so.

    Maybe you 2 should get together and do a dating podcast. I’ll be your first subscriber!

    Anyway, sorry for hijacking the thread, I just wanted to put some appreciation out there for you both.

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