Should I ask?


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This topic contains 33 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Ok 1 week ago.

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  • #731325 Reply

    Jenny OG

    If you’re not familiar w my story, I’ve been doing this on/off dance w my guy G. After 6 months no contact I showed up at his house *I had deleted his #* in what I anticipated to be taken as a grand gesture of my affection for him aaaaaaaaaaand he sweetly but painfully shot me down, telling me he was dating somebody :( I was really upset & left him alone. Didn’t last long, I contacted him a week later, we had a playful text exchange then I vacillated back into distance mode bc I assumed he was still with said girl… a week after that, HE contacts ME, I’m obviously responsive but still uncomfortable w initiating anything bc again, said girl. Fast forward to NOW. I plan to see him Fri- he wants me to attend a gala w him & although DUH, I want to go, I don’t know if I should directly ask him about the girl he was dating/ confirm without a doubt that he’s NOT dating her anymore or if I should assume that much because he wants me to go in the first place…? I’m feeling really insecure about bringing it up but I’m not interested in going if she’s not out of the picture. How should I approach this?

    #731326 Reply

    Jenny OG

    I haven’t seen him since my drop in which was the end of Oct and we did have a hiccup bc he blatantly ignored my Thanksgiving text but given our circumstances, I was pissed but didn’t know how warranted my anger was so I did let it slide. But if I go, that sh*t definitely won’t fly w me after… I just don’t know how heavy I want to go into this from the get go. I want to keep the vibe light but I need that level of investment & security as well

    #731328 Reply

    Jackie

    *when he asked

    #731327 Reply

    Jackie

    Don’t go. He should have clarified his status sheen he asked you to join him. Assume he’s still with the girl and she was busy so he asked you.

    #731335 Reply

    Blu

    Isn’t this the guy you braved you could have in a heartbeat because he’s so into you? You texted him at Halloween to keep his attention and you asked if you should keep in touch because you want him back? You also said that this event would be th clincher for him wanting you back, but now you are afraid it isn’t. You had an on off relationship with him and it didn’t go anywhere. You showed up at his door thinking you could win him over, so why are you afraid to ask what the deal is. Makes no sense, and I think we already told you that he has a girlfriend. If you are so confident he what’s you why not just ask him? He hasn’t asked you on any dates but wants you to attend some function.

    #731336 Reply

    Blu

    I think you already know he isn’t that into you and this is the on and off phase once again, which you just can’t seem to stop the cycle.

    #731345 Reply

    Shay

    I want to keep the vibe light but I need that level of investment & security as well.

    Huh?? Sorry Jenns but this looks like a real mindf%^& situation. And you’re keeping it going for some reason. What do you want to hear exactly?? This is just a day at an amusement. Merry go round, roller coaster, etc. I’d be dizzy and sick. It sounds like you’re used to playing cat and mouse with him and now he’s turned the tables on you and you don’t like it too well.

    #731357 Reply

    L

    He already has a girlfriend but you want security and investment towards you?

    #731359 Reply

    Lane

    Jenny, your problem is you have no healthy boundaries! I’m not sure if its because you’re naturally oblivious to these kind of situations or you date like a game of chess? Whatever it is it doesn’t matter because this has been an endless cycle of on and off and he’s probably pulling it with the other lady, he’s off with her right now, and looking for a warm body until he’s on with someone else, or her again…wash, rinse, repeat. This answer is so blatantly obvious yet you can’t see it because you date with blinders on.

    #731375 Reply

    anon

    Most *good* *quality* *non gaming* MEN that are the ones you want for the long term will view showing up unannounced at their house after a break up as a GIANT red flag, because they set boundaries. They also would not mess with a woman by showing interest while they are dating another woman seriously. So this boy you are playing games with isn’t commitment ready anyway.

    It seems like this man enjoys drama and flipping between women. Ask yourself if you want to continue to be a part of his games. Because you will attend the gala, and he will probably begin the game again after the gala.

    Unless you just like the game and attention, this is a giant time waste.

    #731377 Reply

    Raven

    Gah!
    Just do it & get it over with… You’re going to do it anyway!

    #731379 Reply

    kaye

    Even if we ignore the fact he may still be seeing another girl, your comment “But if I go, that sh*t definitely won’t fly w me after” makes it clear you will already be over invested in this “relationship” after just one time of going out with him. You somehow think him asking you to one event means he wants a relationship with you and it doesn’t!!

    This is an on and off again relationship. You deleted his number then made a fool of yourself after you had gone 6 months no contact! That means he went 6 months without ever contacting you. Then you text him again a week later. Now you’ve gotten exactly what you want… you HIM to text you and want to see you…but all the sudden you’re getting insecure. If this were a first date with a guy you had just met you wouldn’t be freaking out about whether or not the guy was seeing other women or not. Why are you doing it now?

    Your problem is if you want to see him you have to go into it with no expectations. Go to the gala, enjoy yourself, keep it fun and light and don’t expect it to mean your relationship with him is back “ON” again because it’s not. There is nothing that shows this guy is invested in you at all. I would assume he needs a date for this and either the other girl can’t go or they’re not seeing each other right now. If he has a pattern of on and off with you it’s quite possible he does this with others.

    #731380 Reply

    Ok

    This seems like a twist on what you did to him the last time you went to a gala with him and his parents. You showed up, enjoyed the event and then dropped the bomb on him that you had a boyfriend. You didn’t seem to think that was a bad thing to do to him.

    Now he invites you, and your hopes are high, just like his were. Except this time you will probably be the one disappointed if he shows up with the girlfriend or tells you that he just invited you as a friend and he still has that girlfriend.

    I think he is toying with you. He knows you exist. He knows you want to get back together. He isn’t making any moves or having conversations to do this. I don’t think you should go see him unless you clarify if he’s still with that woman. You are going to look and feel really foolish and hurt if you go and it turns out he is still with her.

    #731392 Reply

    Khadija

    Its beyond my understanding why you reached out again after he shot you down.

    He told you he was seeing someone else, if anything he should have been the one to reach out to you.

    Honestly, I think going is a bad idea but you seem set on seeing this guy.

    Its been on and off for 6 months and its probably best to let it go. IF you’re looking for investment and security he isn’t your guy.

    #731408 Reply

    Emma

    I think it is very strange that after not talking for so long the fist thing to do is go to a gala together. Are you super hot in terms of looks? Because maybe he wants an ego boost by having a trophy hot girl beside him in a public event But other than that, I’d say it is BAD news, not good news that he invited you to come with him.

    A smarter way would be to tell him you are very excited and happy he invited you but given the history you don’t feel comfortable. You were not talking for so long, it wold be nice to just catch up and talk first.

    Do not let him put you in a situation of no control and open to all sorts of surprises, including potentially unpleasant ones.

    If you talk before the event, you’d have plenty of opportunities to find out about his GF. If he doesn’t say anything about her, DO ask. it is normal to ask such things, especially after he told you about her, it would be weird not to ask, as if sending him a message that you are ok to be his side chick. Don’t ask don’t tell type of thing.

    #731425 Reply

    Jenny OG

    Emma, yes, I am “super hot”… but I’m only human, I obviously have insecurities bc I’m not shallow minded enough to sit on just my looks. I do believe he’s gentlemanly enough to NOT be dating 2 people especially because that’s the exact reason he left me in the first place. And he made it very clear she wasn’t his “girlfriend” but that yes, he was seeing someone and understandably considerate of her in regards to my random drop in. I think he suggested the gala bc it’s an organization I’m fond of and have attended prior events they organized w him. You’re suggesting we get together in some other fashion, does that mean like coffee??! I’d obv be open to that but our connection is established enough for that to be almost too awkwardly formal if that makes sense. I mean, we’ve established a solid foundation of friendship, have a number of mutually significant friends who we both see pretty regularly. We just avoid discussing one another with those friends even though yes, they’ll randomly drop his name or talk about him at if I’m aware of what he’s been up to… I have no idea if they do the same on his end…

    #731427 Reply

    Jenny OG

    And honestly I NEVER discussed our relationship w our friends minus one whom I felt I needed to make sure was “okay” with us because he was my connection to the circle and has been my best friend for almost 20 years- MUCH longer than my relationship w G… I mean, I guess I just have to straight up ask him & just not flip sh*t if he tells me she’s still around but I’ve been told I “steamroll” men and I’m just trying not to do that…

    #731428 Reply

    Ug

    Not that super hot. To him anyway, you need to readjust your way of thinking and self image. Really hot women don’t act the way you do. They isn’t show up the a man who has showed no interest in months. They don’t keep texting a man after he tells her he already has a girlfriend. You sound a mess honey. No hot girl acts likes you. Just she looks doesn’t win the man over at the end of the day when she acts crazy and desperate.

    He’s not dating you. He just invited you to an event. He did that once before and you showed up even though you already had a boyfriend. So you showed yourself as pretty mean and sleazy. He may not have sad this woman was a girlfriend but he turned you away because he is obviously more serious about her than you.

    You just don’t get it. Are you retarded? If he wanted to date you he would ask you out. He hasn’t. You have no real foundation it’s all in your head. He ignored your constant texts to him. And asking you out and spending time with you would mean he is interested, he invited you to this event because you like it and sound pathetic and desperate.

    I think you need therapy. Your posts are really sad and you have zero self awareness.

    #731429 Reply

    Ug

    You steamroll men. That’s pretty obvious. And why you turn off men and are still single and for some reason think you have more attraction than you really do.

    #731431 Reply

    Jenny OG

    I’m not sure how being super hot correlates to interest as far as the types of relationships I’M into, you know, like sincere, genuine, authentic relationships…??! But I’m not bothered by anyone thinking I’m good looking or not. Lol. It’s been evident that my looks have been beneficial for me but no hard feelings if I don’t have the “look” people find appealing, you know. As far as self-esteem and blah blah blah, that’s an entirely different topic that’s too broad to address from a societal aspect so I don’t care to go there with a completely insignificant stranger who I’m honestly not that curious of in a general sense. I’m just asking how to bring up the topic of a girl you rejected me for to make sure she’s no longer significant enough to reject me for in the future…?

    #731432 Reply

    Ug

    Your looks aren’t beneficial. You can attract but not retain decent men. You just don’t get it as others have already stated. Keep chasing this uninterested man and keep the on off crap. You are clueless about real healthy relationships.

    #731433 Reply

    Ug

    You showed up unannounced at his home and can’t figure out how to ask a simple question like, are you in a relationship with the woman we spoke about back in October?

    #731434 Reply

    Jenny OG

    And I fortunately don’t hold that sheep mentality that people are single for a reason and that reason MUST be negative. Maybe people have high standards, maybe they want to find fulfillment as individuals prior to investing in another person, maybe they’re rich as f*ck and don’t care to be used, maybe they need more time to recover from previous relationships or time to resolve childhood conditioning or trauma. That’s one of the most cliche, unoriginal assumptions about another person and to me means you likely percieve life on more of a superficial level than I like to surround myself with… as if a woman who’s married 5 times is somehow more desirable and stable than one who’s never remarried due to grief or the focus on self- health… it’s a bit moronic if you ask me… but to each their own! :)

    #731436 Reply

    Ug

    Just ask him for Christ’s sake, idiot.

    #731437 Reply

    Jenny OG

    That’s exactly what I was asking. HOW to address it. Do I say “Hey G, so chica is not around anymore right?” Do I wait till after the event, during when we’re happy and giddy, try to sweeten him up, confess my feelings as I do to give him reassurance, just keep it platonic and address it our next outing…? See how there are several ways to go about it??? Forgive me for requesting a variety of opinions on a site that’s created for said reason

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