Short term relationship break up – HELP!


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  • #718995 Reply
    Beth

    Hi ladies,
    I’m Beth and I’m 35.
    My boyfriend Tom (38) of three months has just split up with me out of the blue. It was a new relationship and I was very very happy. He acknowledges that his decision has come out of the blue.

    To give you the backstory, we matched on Tinder. We talked for a couple of weeks over Whatsapp and had a few phonecalls before meeting (two, three hour-long calls), and then met face to face. Our first date was a Friday night in a bar in London, and it was incredible. I’ve been dating for a year and have had some average dates, bad dates and some good, but this was like nothing before. We clicked from the word go. It didn’t feel strained or awkward, it was like we’d known each other. We ended up seeing each other on the Saturday and the Sunday, too. And from thereon in we were inseparable. I saw him every weekend I could and we talked all the time. I met his brother and his friends the first weekend.

    We saw each other about 8 times before we slept together. I stayed over night several times before it happened.

    He is from South Africa, and moved to London last summer to live with his brother (who has been in the UK for 10 years already). He is here permanently and wants to settle. He is divorced, but has been for five years and has no children. He wants to marry and have children one day, here in the UK. In our second week his best friend from back home in Johannesburg, died tragically, so he had to rush back to South Africa for a week, for the funeral. He was, naturally, devastated. I supported him through this time.

    When he returned to England, we saw each other every weekend and, to me, I felt like I was falling in love. Our first date was 31st May. In the last week of July, he went on holiday with his family to Italy. He rang me every day and we spoke on text all the time. We both deleted Tinder during this week.

    A week after he got back, it was my birthday. And he organised a lovely surprise. We went out for dinner the evening before, and he gave me a present at the strike of midnight – as it turned my birthday – and it was a beautiful necklace he had bought in Italy. The following day, my actual birthday, we had a picnic in the park all day. Feeding each other strawberries, crackers and cheese, drinking champagne, music. It was wonderful.

    The weekend after, was his birthday. On the Saturday, a group of my friends and his, went to a big fancy dress party and had a wonderful evening. Everyone got on so well. It was perfect. The following day was his birthday and I gave him his birthday present. Which was a painting of London embankment (which is where the bar was that we first met). He loves London, too, so I felt it was sentimental and fitting for his transition to the UK and also reflective of us meeting. It was an extravagant gift, £140, and I did deliberate for some time as to whether or not to buy it, due to its expense. Anyway, he loved it.

    The day after, Monday 13th August, I went home and didn’t really hear from him as often as usual as he had a very busy week at work. We talked every day, but it was more scant. He said it was due to work and he tried to call/text me as often as he could. We did communicate every day. He had huge deadline for work – the big annual deadline that happens once a year – and preempted this by saying he “might have to work at the weekend”. So the weekend rolled round and he said I could go down on the Saturday. (I live outside London, so every time I visit it’s a 1hr and 30 mins journey into the city). By midday, he said I wouldn’t be able to go after all as he was now going to work in the office all day. He sent me a picture from the office at 8pm, showing he was still there. He said come tomorrow (Sunday) instead. Tomorrow came and he said he would need to work all day, too. This time from home, but he would be working all day, and that I could possibly come in the evening. By 6pm I’d still not heard from him. 6.30pm and he text to say he had another three hours of work to do. So it was clear I wouldn’t be going to London to see him. Side note – i’d made him his favourite pie (a South African dessert called a Melktert) to take with me to cheer him up, but didn’t get to take it as didn’t end up going that weekend. He knew I’d made him this dessert.

    Monday, and it was another work week. I kept in touch with him and communication picked up a little as the huge deadline was the Wednesday. Wednesday he said come down on Friday we are going out for dinner.

    Friday 24th August, I go down and we go out for drinks and dinner. He says how appreciative he is that I’ve been so patient whilst he’s been working and he doesn’t want it to happen again. He realises that this job is too much and not sustainable and that he wants to change his job because the company is putting on him too much. Being distant from me and not able to be with me over the last 12 days has made him realise that he needs to sort his work/life balance out. We had a lovely evening. Saturday I had a very very lovely day with him. We went for brunch and did lots of touristy things in London for the day, finished up with a homemade dinner at his. Selfies taken together etc. Perfect. Another note, we once joked about a type of cracker called Salty Crax that is from South Africa. Well, one day, I stumbled across a South African shop, so I bought him a box and a few other things, which I took to him that last weekend.

    On the Sunday morning, he was going away with his brother for the night to celebrate being in the UK for a year. I had offered to dogsit his dog overnight. So on the Sunday morning, I left London with his dog and brought him home with me and then on Monday (bank holiday here in the UK), I took him back to his house in the evening. I stayed over, and on the Tuesday morning he got up for work, tucked me in bed, kissed me on the head and he left for work. I got up an hour later and went to work myself. I don’t have a key, but I lock the door and post the spare key through the letter box.

    In a general review, he is a very loving man. Very traditional and chivalrous, old fashioned. Holds your bags for you, holds your hand, makes sure you get across the road safely. He generally looks after you. I liked it. I liked the fact he was old fashioned and gentlemanly, because I am traditional, too. I am a successful woman in my career but I still want to live by old fashioned values and when the time is right will give up my career to raise a family. He felt the same way.

    The Tuesday I left his and the Wednesday, I heard from him both evenings but not very much and then Thursday 30th August, I woke to this Whatsapp message at 07:08:

    Morning,
    I need to remain open and honest with you about us (as always). I honestly don’t feel that this is growing into something more than what it currently is. I’m sorry if you feel differently and I do want to chat about this in more detail.
    It’s nothing that has been done or hasn’t been done, it’s purely how I feel. Which is tough because I enjoy the time spent together. I have put this in a message so that you can think about this prior to us chatting more. Hope this makes sense. I’m really sorry if you feel otherwise.
    X

    To which I replied:

    Oh Tom, I’m so shocked to read your message this morning. I’m upset you feel the way you do. Because yes, I feel differently. I love spending time with you, experiencing things grow between us, and discovering all about you. It’s felt stronger to me because it hasn’t felt rushed, but instead more lasting and meaningful. I could pour my feelings into a text message but I don’t want to do that, I’d rather talk properly. X

    I replied at 9am, and he did not come back on Whatsapp until 3pm, when he read my reply. So I’m hurt firstly because he dropped a bomb and then did not look to see my reply or how I was feeling. He showed as last seen 07:09 all day until 3pm (and I checked almost every 30 mins).

    Then early evening he sent:

    Hey,
    The last thing I want is to hurt you. I’m sorry, and understand that it might feel out of the blue.
    I am still at the office but should be home earlier today. What time will be best to call you?

    I replied that I was available from 7pm to talk but would rather talk face to face. He said he agreed face to face is better and that we would do that as well. He called at 8pm. And didn’t say much. The call lasted 15 mins. He didn’t really speak and was quiet. No reasons given, just that he doesn’t have the “feelings”. That he sensed I want more and he realises he doesn’t want the same from me. He said he’d been feeling like this for a couple of weeks, since his birthday. So I said, “Oh, so you haven’t been distant because of work?” And he said, “I was busy with work, but I was also thinking about us.”

    I said it sounds like you need to go away and think about what you want. I want you to be happy, but if being with me doesn’t make you happy then you need to go away and find happiness without me. He agreed. He said twice on the phone that we would “definitely speak tomorrow.” I told him I’d fallen in love with him at the weekend and felt very happy with him and wanted to be with him. I said goodbye and the call ended.

    The following day, Friday, he text me at lunchtime:

    Hey,
    How are things today? Work/ otherwise?
    Having a quieter day for a change… thank goodness.

    I did not reply. But funny how his work has calmed down now that we split.

    I have still not replied, nor has he contacted me again. It is now Sunday 2nd Sept.

    I have plenty of things at his house. He cleared a shelf in his wardrobe – unprompted – for me to leave clothes, makeup, perfume etc. I have shoes, a jacket, toiletries, makeup, clothes, hat, etc. at his house. Which I’ve not talked to him about returning.

    Bottom line, I want to be with him. I feel that the relationship was developing and i was growing strong lasting feelings for him and love. I am shocked at his decision as it was a bolt out of blue.

    So, here is my predicament.

    1. Do I do No Contact, and if so, how long for.
    2. When do I ask to get my things back?
    3. Do I ask for the painting back – considering I gave it on his birthday and the entire time since he has had doubts about me.

    Anyone’s help or insight on this would be hugely appreciated. I thank you for reading this as I know it is a long saga, but I wanted to outline everything.

    T H A N K Y O U

    xx

    #718997 Reply
    peggy

    Hi Beth-I am sorry this happened. It is hard and shocking I am sure. The truth here is that he has effectively broken things off. You thought things were progressing “slowly/steadily,but it sounds like it was too much,too fast to me.
    I have been through this before- “my” guy liked me,enjoyed his time spent with me,loved the sex etc. But the same thing happened-at about three months he told me the above,but his he could not “make me any promises.” I was falling in love,but he wasn’t,though he would have kept seeing me id I had agreed to getting nothing more from him-a fwb in other words. I broke it off right then and it hurt,but I found much better and more suitable serious relationship now.
    So,sorry,but this was/is not your man. I would just accept this. No contact is for you to move on,not a tool to get him back. Forget the painting-it was a gift. Don’t give others something you can’t afford/do not want to lose,in the future. I would text or call him and ask to arrange to get your other things back. Maybe a friend could pick them up if it is too painful to see him and feel false hope.
    Dating,love and romance are trial and error,for both parties-like trying on shoes,some are not good or the right fit and then you find the perfect one. So,mourn a little,get your stuff and know you will meet the right fit in the future. Don’t be talked into any half measures like FWB or being friends-it only creates and prolongs more heartache. Good luck.

    #719003 Reply
    L

    This post probably took longer to write than the relationship was.

    #719007 Reply
    Beth

    Thanks for that L, that’s very supportive.

    #719010 Reply
    Beth

    Thank you Peggy, I truly appreciate and value your opinion. It’s comforting to know that I’m not going through this alone in the world. I think I am suffering from shock. It only happened a few days ago and I’m at a total loss.

    The last I saw him we were very happy, making plans, looking at booking a weekend away together on Airbnb.

    So in the 48 hours that past, between us last seeing each other and him sending me that message, something must’ve happened with his view of our relationship. And I just do not understand what that is.

    I have decided to give us both some time to cool off and let the dust settle some more. I’ll contact him at the end of the week and ask for my things to be returned. I do not wish to see him whilst I am this upset as I’ll only cry.

    I need to accept that he is not the man for me, and that he is still out there somewhere.

    I’ve learned, also, not to trust men too soon. I slept with him after a month and I wish now that I had not done so. He was all I wanted in a man, but I have faith I shall find that again elsewhere. :)

    If he comes back then so be it. Old adage, let love go and if it’s meant to be it’ll come back. x

    #719018 Reply
    ok

    I’m curious what the reason was for all the detailed back story. This is a case of a man you dated about two months (he was away on holiday with parents, back in Africa, and then work) who decided he didn’t see this progressing. That is really what dating is about. Men are pretty practical and he either met someone else or realized you wanted more than he was prepared to give you.

    I do think the expensive present was his tip off that you were more into him than he for you. Signs of this all along include expensive present, making desserts, watching his dog and traveling every weekend to him that was a 3 hour round trip. Can you see you were more into him than the other way around? Your detailed story says it all.

    Slow down in the future.
    Do not ask for the picture back. It was a gift, not an engagement ring.
    Have someone else pick up your stuff or have him ship it.

    #719027 Reply
    Beth

    OK – I can see I were more into him than he to me, and yes I perhaps went too fast with it all. In future, token gift, slow down and don’t do all the leg work. There were reasons I went into London each weekend (we went to events in the city), and he did come out to me twice.

    Is there any scope this is salvageable? Considering I potentially did rush things?

    #719030 Reply
    Emma

    I see it as a case of a man not knowing what he wants, at his age he still expects a princess. From your description it appears that things were very nice between you two. But unfortunately he has not fallen for you. Has it never happened to you? Someone is great in all respects, checks all boxes but you don’t feel much for them, you can’t see yourself spending the next 15-20 years with this person (15-20 years as opposed to the rest of your life for practical reasons, as so many marriages fall apart)

    I am sure that if you let him be, do not respond, do not contact him, he will start having major regrets. He already started playing with you, texting to you as if nothing happened.

    You don’t break up someone’s heart and then start texting and continue as if nothing is wrong. You don’t feel it, then take responsibility and endure the consequences. But men want it both ways, not to miss you, to have your company and the nice things you do for them, and yet be “single” and continue to shop around. Is this ok by you?

    Do not worry about your things, he is not going to steal them. Give it a few weeks. I guarantee that if you keep ignoring him he will eventually want to talk himself, so be patient. One thing women need to learn is patience.

    Let him absorb his own decision. He probably expects you to beg and chase and be willing to accept crumbs. He’s probably done it before, so he knows that this is what women (most women) would do.

    Do not respond to him, do not contact him. If he wants to talk about the breakup, he needs to specifically ask you to do that, in which case you should meet up with him and talk. But do not plea or tell him you want him back. You have already said that, this is enough. Wishy washy men do not regret their decisions unless they see the thing they rejected is gone. So let him feel it for real.

    In the meantime start meeting new men. Do not jump into a new relationship, but start meeting them. This will distract you and will give you hope.

    And next time, even if the guy feels terrific, take longer to get to know him. He needs to fall for you first. LOL You’d know when it happens, and it is not only about him carrying your bags, this is just good upbringing and good manners. When a guy falls for you, you’d feel it with your skin, this is when you can take things further. Otherwise, you’d end up in the same situation, you become too close too soon, then 3-4 months in, they’d feel they had enough.

    Look back at your life, at work and otherwise, how did you acquire your best or very close friends? I am sure things developed gradually and over time. Sure there needs to be a connection at the start, a moment of “click” but this is not enough. You need to get things to season, to mature, to brew a little. Time is what shows our real feelings and our real relationships. I am not saying wait years, but positively more than 8 dates. And progress gradually. Do not talk every day, let him miss you, let him think about oyu in your absence. Do not fill your new relationship with nonsensical chit-chat that goes over text all the time. I am a firm believer that texting every day kills romance and prevents feelings from growing.

    I am positive this dude will resurface, but in most cases, it happens for the wrong reasons. If he has not fallen for you in 2-3 months, he won’t fall for you. The only possibility for him to really regret his decision is for you to cut him off like he never existed.

    #719111 Reply
    Beth

    Emma, thank you so much for your message. It meant a lot and answered a lot of my worries and questions about the situation I am in.

    I still haven’t contacted him since the broke up. Today he messaged me at 6.45am:

    Morning,
    I wanted to give you some space this weekend, but just to let you know that I am ready to chat when you are. X

    I’ve not yet replied, as do not know what to say. I also still want space to think. I have a job interview today, too, so I have been focusing on that. I’m on my way to the job interview now.

    Should I reply to his message? Or still give it some time? I do agree No Contact works but I don’t want to anger him or come across as rude or as though I’m playing games.

    Your advice is truly appreciated x

    #719113 Reply
    Jaquetta

    Hi Beth,
    Sorry you’ve had a difficult experience.
    I don’t know what you mean that “no contact works” – are you thinking it works to get a man back?
    I would feel that there is no need to seem rude or to play games, just tell him what you have told us, That you need time to think, right now you have nothing to say. You are focusing on your interview. (You may want to add that if you feel like talking sometime you will let him know. I don’t think uou don’t owe him a talk, just because he wants one.)
    By the way, surely he knew about the interview? If so it was really shoddy of him to send you what seems to be a goodbye text right beforehand. Anyone would know that would potentially interfere with your ability to do well at the interview.
    Good luck with the interview.

    #719114 Reply
    Jaquetta

    Sorry, I meant I don’t think you owe him a talk just because he wants one now. x

    #719118 Reply
    Umm

    Don’t know what y’all are talking about. She is the one who insisted she wanted to speak to him in person. So now she is supposed to say she needs time e to think. Think about what? He broke up with her. This talk isn’t him getting back. It’s to give her closure since she asked not to just talk by phone but in person. He is being kind to her and honoring what she asked for. Emmayou always give false hope. You seem to think just because a man comes snooping back he misses the woman. Most men don’t regret breaking up. But they may feel guilty and send a text to alleviate guilt. Or they come back for fwb. No too often they want you back. The example u gave about the guy you ignored who apologized was a temporary fwb, not a bf or potential husband. Just a lover you had on the side. He apologized cause he eanted sex. Not you.

    #719120 Reply
    Tallspicy

    Your text back:

    Hey Bob, thank you for reaching out. It seems we are not in the same place right now with what we want. Talking about it will not change things, so I think it is best we leave it here. Please send my things back this week when you have time. I truly wish you the best and am grateful for our time together. Best of luck with everything.

    Done. Talking will not change it. If he does not send your things text him that you will be coming over at xyz day and will be picking up your stuff and to leave it outside. Or just let the stuff go.

    #719119 Reply
    Lane

    This was too much too early. You did far too much ‘leg work’ here and chased him v. giving him the room to pursue something with you. Had you allowed him to do most of the heavy lifting, such as travelling to you and doing what it takes to woo and win over your heart, the outcome would have been different.

    I never put a lot of stock in the early courtship and take on the ‘resistor role’ as anyone can be on good behavior for a few months—its the MANY months beyond that will ultimately determine if your not only a good match but if he’s ALL IN or not. I know the resistor role may sound counter-intuitive but its not, it keeps you grounded during the courtship process so you don’t fall into these pitfalls. That “work week” was a huge CLUE he wasn’t feeling it. No man who’s ga ga over a lady would have done that, he would have missed you to the point he’d have jumped on the train to be with you! Those are the actions you need to look for—how much the man is willing to go out of his way to be with YOU!

    His performance was lackluster and your trying to excuse this behavior is going to hurt you when you meet the next guy you really like. Resist the urge to go ‘all in’ before the man has.

    #719123 Reply
    Jacquetta

    Umm – In his dumping text he said he wanted to talk it over, so Beth has hardly been insistent! The guy finished with her apparently out of the blue just before a job interview. That’s not kind or honourable and is bound to be unsettling. She is entitled to change her mind about whether or when she wants to talk.

    Beth – you know you may have rushed things as some people have pointed out – it’s good to take time now to process what has happened.

    #719124 Reply
    Umm

    Lane you contradict yourself lately. In another post you said your guy needed 10 days to focus on work and u said it was ok with you and he he didn’t get in touch for a wk. you said you didn’t notice cause he said he had to focus. Here you are saying the guy should have been in touch and not taken a week off to focus on work. Is that because your a queen and all men want you no matter how you treat them. Every response is this narcissistic opportunity to twist your own tales about Lane into a response on here. It was ok for your guy to focus for 10 days but not for her man to do that to her because she isn’t as awesome as you I guess. Sure this man broke up. So he isn’t all that in. Make ya feel better about you doesn’t it.

    #719126 Reply
    umm

    Jacquetta
    Quote ” replied that I was available from 7pm to talk but would rather talk face to face. He said he agreed face to face is better and that we would do that as well”

    She said she would accept a call but wanted to talk in person. He already broke up with her. I doubt he even remembered if he even knew that she has interviews. he has been decent to her but y’all want to make him a villain because he didn’t fall for her. since when is a man evil if he decides ya aren’t the woman for him? And don’t listen to Lane about her saying this would have been different if she dint move so fast. now lane is a psychit. that’s a real kick to tell a woman this would have worked out but you screwed up.

    #719138 Reply
    Jacquetta

    Yes, when he wanted to talk she said she’d prefer to do that in person. But as I said, she is entitled to change her mind!
    I never said he was evil, I get that he has just decided that this is not the right relationship for him. However, he has been inconsiderate in his timing. I would imagine Beth did mention her interview – who wouldn’t tell such news? I don’t understand you saying he probably didn’t remember it like this makes it OK. It doesn’t. Either he didn’t pay any attention to what is going on for Beth, or he just didn’t have the decency to wait a couple of days to break up.

    #719139 Reply
    Umm

    Omg. Jaqettea or whatever you call yourself. If he was no longer into her he isn’t going to remember all the important details of her life. The guy broke up with her and then sent a text I guess he thought was being nice. But like most women you blame him for not remembering or being cruel and whatever’s. He doesn’t need to be on her timetable to break up because there is no good time for a breakup. And if he waited u til after the interview and new job he would still be a villain because he squashed her happiness of getting a new job by breaking up with her. Maybe they should make a rule that people can’t break up until the other person says it’s a good time to break up. Would that be PC enough for y’all.no wonder Stephen hates women.

    #719168 Reply
    Jaquetta

    Umm, I am beginning to think you are rather rude – “whatever you call yourself” indeed!

    No there isn’t a good time for a break-up, but a thinking man would know that anyone needs to be on top form for an interview.

    If you remember my own post to which you sent a more helpful reply you may recall that even after a just couple of internet dates I let people down as kindly as possible if I don’t want to take things further. This man spent a lot more time with Beth, so yes, I think he could have been a little less selfish and a little more patient about putting his own needs on hold for just a while. Why do you object to my suggesting anyone, male or female, treat one another with due consideration?

    You are making unfounded assumptions that I would criticise him for waiting a day or so. As for maybe there should be a rule – sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.

    I have no idea who Stephen is, but you are certainly antagonistic!

    #719560 Reply
    Beth

    Thank you every one for your help and support on this.

    He did know that I am struggling with work as I lost my job the same week I met him, so I have been going to interviews regularly. It is a very difficult time as I may lose my home if I cannot find work soon. I am in legal pursuit of my previous employer but that’s a different story. Anyways, my point is that he knows all of this. He didn’t, though, know about the interview as I was invited to that after the break up.

    I’ve still not spoken to him or arranged to get my things. I’ve been so busy this week that I’ve wanted to put it to the back of my mind. He hasn’t contacted me again.

    It has now, today, been a week since he broke up with me and I’ve not spoken to him, therefore, for a week. I’ve stayed off whatsapp for two days so I appear last seen two days ago. I wanted him to question or wonder where I am. He has not contacted me.

    He is going away with his brother tomorrow on holiday for four days, so I know I won’t be able to get my things until next week now.

    Do I contact him today – Thursday – or wait until he is back Monday?

    And what do I say?? His last message to me was:

    Morning,
    I wanted to give you some space this weekend, but just to let you know that I am ready to chat when you are. X

    Thanks all x

    #719574 Reply
    Lane

    What are those “things’?

    Leave him be as he’s on a trip. May I ask if your using them as an excuse to see him? If they can be easily sent by mail I would do it that way because seeing him is going to be super awkward especially if he’s nice but still has no desire to see you again, you’ll just end up going back to DAY 1 and feel even worse when your rejected by him again. Avoid that scenario as much as possible.

    #719577 Reply
    Ok

    It seems you are waiting for him to change his mind. You are playing games. You did not use WhatsApp because you want him wondering about you? Chances are, he isn’t. In fact, he may actually be relieved that you may no longer want to have that chat. He only offered it because you asked him to. I don’t see him being a bad or mean man. He didn’t ghost on you and he gave you a legitimate reason for breaking up.

    Why isn’t it so hard to answer his text? He asked you to let him know when you want to chat. If you still do, then tell him a good day and time that works for you for when he gets back. If you changed your mind, then tel him you do not want to chat but would like to find a way to get your things back. Those are really the only two options.what magical words are you looking for?

    #719580 Reply
    Beth

    The things are clothes, shoes, hat, bag, coat, make up etc etc.

    #719581 Reply
    Beth

    I’m going to call him tonight to arrange a time to meet and talk. I think the week of space has been long enough. If he hasn’t changed his mind and still doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me then I’ll get my things and bid him farewell.

    Feel pretty low that it was so out of the blue. Some of you ladies are very cutting with your advice but others have been so caring and supportive.

    Thank you

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