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Helen.
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Jennifer
About 5 months ago I was dating a guy. It ended quite abruptly with him still hurting over his last relationship. The “relationship” we had was very short but felt very intense. I wrote in this forum back then and it help me a lot to move on as much as I have been able to… however I realize I am not over him yet. There was a lot of things we never got to talk about. The last time I saw him was the first time we had sex where he afterwards was teary eyed and not knowing what to do. We have not written or been in any contact since October. Lately I have done some thinking. I have written a letter That I have not send (yet). The reason I am writing in this forum is because first of all I would like to get some feedback on the letter, and second of all get some opinions about if it is even a good idea to send it. Maybe I should mention that I am not quite sure what I want to gain from this letter. Probably I just hope he will start to think of me again and try again…
I am scared (I know) that it is a crazy move, maybe especially also because we only knew each other so little.
This is my letter:Dear xx,
Well, it’s a strange and eerie time we’re in right now. We all have to wait for the meeting with a disease that has proven to hit hard and unfortunately also many. It’s a bit like an intolerable waiting game that seems to bring the people together more than we’ve been in a very long time. But, it is also in the news.
The reason I write is because this intermittent period, among other things, has really put a lot of thought into my consciousness.
Many of the measures used in the treatment of covid-19 sick patients are what I just did during my summer vacation when I was in Italy. Maybe that’s why Summer 19 stands out to me very clearly these days.
Undeniably, I had contact with you during the same period. When I think back to the contact we both had and how it went, I feel happy, scared and then sad. The last meeting we had, I later found out was a more violent experience for me than I was immediately aware of, just as I also felt it was for you.
The fact that things were going so fast created a turmoil within me that I had no idea how to deal with. It is a strange thing to meet another human being. Maybe also because it so rarely happens. At least my head was running around a lot and I was experiencing a hopeless feeling of confusion.
I’m really sorry that we never got to meet and talk about what happened. It’s a bit like it never happened, like you could just put it away and forget it, but then still it is very present. I was scared and I probably still am.
I realize you’ve probably experienced it all differently and are a completely different place in your head. We basically know very little about each other.I hope you and your loved ones are well.
The most affectionate greetingsJennifer
Tallspicy
Oh honey, hugs.
Under no circumstances send that letter. Wait 48 hours and read it again. To be honest it just oozes pain and neediness. And never tell someone they were violent, unless they were physically. Yikes. How would you feel if someone said your interaction was violent?
That letter is emotional vomit, which is awesome for your own purposes to heal, but to someone else, it will feel overkill, manipulative and like you do not have it together.
If you actually want to reconcile with him then send something positive and do it as a text to just touch base. Remind him of something fun and make him smile. Or just say, I thought of you today. I hope all is well and you are healthy.
I caution anyone against doing the following during this time:
A. Contacting exes. He knows how to contact you and reminding him of you won’t change that he’s not. If you need to hug someone, show love to friends, family and even men who still show up.
B. Online dating. There is a high probability of overly investing in someone you don’t know and when you meet, it falls apart.
Lane
Do NOT send that letter!!! If I received that I would seriously never want to speak or talk to you again.
Your lead up is fake (lame excuse), and the rest would make me cringe if I received it, and I’m a woman! I get it, your’re lost and trying to regain some momentum but this is NOT how you do it as men do not respond to female emotions like this, if anything they recoil and want to get away from it. They actually have a term for this “emotional vomit” where a women dumps their emotions in their lap and then expects them to clean it up for her. Doesn’t work, and if you send this you will be in a far worse position because once you “send it” you can’t unsend it and when he doesn’t respond, or respond the way you hope (highly unlikely), you will be filled with loads of regret.
It sounds like you are suffering from a case of limerance. I suggest you find better ways to occupy your mind, like buying a bunch of 5000 puzzles, engrossing yourself in new hobbies that helps retrain your brain to focus on other things to the point he rarely, if ever, becomes a thought.
Anon
Great letter. For yourself. This is part of the healing process that you are going through. Keep writing out your reflections and thoughts because that is how you will not make the same mistakes in the future. This is your recovery only, and he is not part of your life so do not include him in this recovery.
You will come out of this and be a healthier person to date someone in the future.
LJ
I agree with the others replying so far – don’t send the letter.
But I think you did a good thing for yourself by writing it, and you did a good thing by reaching-out to people to hear their thoughts. Keep writing.
kaye
Oh boy. I have to agree with the other ladies who have commented….PLEASE don’t send this letter EVER!!! It has been 5 months and you have not heard a word from him. The fact he cried after you had sex because he’s not over his last relationship makes my skin crawl!! I can only imagine how embarrassing that must have been for you! For all you know he has gone back to his ex and your letter would not be received well at all! You are using this virus as an excuse to contact him and for what end? As a matter of a fact if I had gotten your letter from a guy I had only had a brief relationship with it certainly wouldn’t make me want to see him again!!
Really think about what you are saying here:
“The reason I write is because this intermittent period, among other things, has really put a lot of thought into my consciousness. ” Say what?!? All I read is I’m using this virus as an excuse to contact you.
“The last meeting we had, I later found out was a more violent experience for me than I was immediately aware of, just as I also felt it was for you.” VIOLENT? Unless he sexually or physically assaulted you what are you talking about????
“It is a strange thing to meet another human being. Maybe also because it so rarely happens.” This makes you sound like a crazy person! We meet other “human beings” every single day! What do you mean it rarely happens???“At least my head was running around a lot and I was experiencing a hopeless feeling of confusion.” You still sound hopelessly confused to me after reading this!
You talk about turmoil, violence, confusion, being scared. Why do you want to relive any of these feelings? And he certainly doesn’t want to read all this negativity. I really hope you don’t contact him, but if you are hell bent on it then trash this entire drivel and rewrite it all from a POSITIVE point of view. Tell him you hope he’s well with all that’s going on in the world. How you know things ended abruptly and you were enjoying getting to know him. But really please don’t send anything.
Liz Lemon
Don’t send the letter. I understand it was cathartic for you to write it, but I can guarantee it will not be received well on his end. I would actually be freaked out if a guy I had dated for a very short period, and not contacted for 5 months sent me a letter like that out of nowhere. It would make me uncomfortable.
You say in the letter “you’ve probably experienced it all differently and are a completely different place in your head. We basically know very little about each other.”
You know little about each other. You said the relationship was “very short”. How long were you dating?And you’re absolutely right that he experienced the relationship differently. He dated you for a very short time. He was not over his last relationship and ended things with you abruptly. I know it’s hard to accept, but you were most likely a rebound chick for him. I doubt he’s given you much thought, especially since he hasn’t bothered to try to contact you in the 5 months since.
So just put things in perspective. By your own admission, this relationship didn’t mean the same thing to him as it did to you. By your own admission, you two barely knew each other. So he’s basically a stranger that you have built up in your head for the past 5 months! Let go of this. You wrote down some thoughts in this letter, which is fine if you want to purge them from your own mind, but he will not receive them the same way. Use this letter & the purging of your thoughts as an opportunity to let go of him and move on.
paige
The only reason I would contact a former lover would be to apologize to him for f*cking him over.
Bear with me:
When my stepmother was dying, she told me that she had wronged many, many people during her life and, as her life was ending in a matter of months, she was trying to make amends to as many of those people as possible.
I thought about what she said and decided that I, too, needed to apologize to the guys I had f*cked over.
One was dead.
My ex-husband was dying, so my husband and I went to visit him. I told him I was sorry for the sh*tty way I had treated him during our marriage. He was kind enough to forgive me.
I found another former lover on Myspace and I told him how sorry I was for just cutting off all contact with him. I explained (not “made excuses”); he told me that he had blamed himself when I just dropped off the face of the earth. He forgave me and we are still tight.
The last lover I need to apologize to is in South Carolina. I don’t have the b@lls to call him and apologize, so I wrote a two-page letter to him, telling him how sorry I am and explaining (again, not “making excuses”) for my sh*tty behavior toward someone who had never been anything but good and caring to me.
After three years, I still haven’t mailed the letter. I suggest you do the same.
Raven
Please burn that letter…
As the flames burn the paper & the smoke dissipates into the air, let what ever you’ve been holding go into the atmosphere along with the smoke.Newbie
All has been said about the letter by now except i dont even understand what point you want to make besides linking him and you to covid 19. You have to ask yourself why its so hard for you to move on. If this guy took off after the first time sex this relationship never even took off. You mourned about this guy a few months more than it lasted i guess. There are two things to remember. Ego plays a part in this cases a lot: like you have a hard time understanding why he doesnt see that you are great. Take you ego out of it and then think why this guy is so special to you. Second, youre just in a funk and no one you fancy at the moment. Plus well covid19.
You will be fine, who wants a guy that cries after sex anyway. Its very unattractiveJennifer
Thank you all for your responses! I appreciate all the comments and feedback.
The reason I “link” the corona virus to my relations to this guy is because I was during my clinical rotations in the intensive care unit this summer. Something we talked about a lot. But I can understand that it also seems a little far…
I know that it probably is the best idea to leave it (as I have done for the past 5 months…) but it still really haunts be.
Violent is maybe the wrong word to use – but it was extremely intense and a lot of emotions were were involved. I understand that he probably too was in a turmoil in this head but for other reasons than me.
Neither of us are people to get together with a lot, and it is a big thing for me to be intimate with someone.
I have a desire to let him know how this all made me feel (it still hits me hard sometimes)
But maybe I should keep writing and reevaluate in a few days…
But you all are true, I do see that it is a crazy move…Tallspicy
Honey. Imagine you reach out and he is with someone else, or his ex, or better yet does not respond at all. Closure is something you give yourself. Focus on you and cutting your emotional ties to him. That is a better use of time.
Jennifer
I have been thinking about your comments.
Is it also a no go to just be like:
How are you? I listen to your new album and it is really good. Congratulations with that.He just released an album last week with his band.
But you are also right with the fact, that I don’t know if he might be with his ex girlfriend again or even someone else.Tallspicy
I suggest it is a no go. If you must (still a bad idea)
Hey there! I know it has been a while, but I saw you released a new album. It is so good, congratulations!!!! It made me think of you, and I am hoping that you are safe, happy and healthy in these weird times :-)
Then see if he responds. You won’t know anything from his response. You would only know he is kind. I still suggest you send nothing.
Newbie
A light text is fine but will it work for you? You felt something deep and intense but i see the classical move of a guy budding out after sex. I know i wasnt there but i feel you got really infatuated with this guy and thats hard to wear off. You have to realize that he hasnt tried to stay in touch with you past 5 months and guys dont bond very deep in the first stages of dating. Not even after sex. So a light text is fine but dont get your hopes up
Raven
He’s a musician, I’m sure he’s got lots of girls clamoring for his attention?
If he responds, as he should- You praised his work, you still won’t get what you’re looking for…
Khadija
How about you start a diary.
Please don’t send that letter to a man you haven’t talked to since October. Actually don’t ever send a letter like that to man.I understand we are in a state of uncertainty but, what’s for certain is things between you and that man are over.
Anon
You can send that text if you really just want to congratulate him- however- you are hoping he would think of you again and want to try again so you contacting him has an ulterior motive which is not good
kaye
I’ve been in your situation trying to decide about whether or not to just “casually” contact an ex. And it’s just going to set back your healing process. Every time your phone dings you’re going to be wondering if it’s a message from him in response. If he doesn’t respond you’ll feel terrible. If he does respond with “Thanks, hope you’re doing well too” it is not going to get you any closure you are seeking. And even if he responds back and there is a little banter back and forth it will eventually end and then you will again start counting the days since he’s contacted you. Why torture yourself like that?
redcurleysue
Do not send the letter. He does not deserve it. If he wants to see you he knows where to find you.
Jennifer
Thank you all for your feedback. @kaye what you wrote made me realize that, yeah I really wont gain anything from reaching out. It is him that has to do that.
An update from this evening is that he liked my facebook post about taking care of each other during coronavirus. But I know that I should not overthink that.Tallspicy
Unfriend him. You should have done that when you ended things :)
Jennifer
I think unfriending him would be a bad move. But I understand what you mean. Social media likes means nothing if he doesn’t directly contact you :(
Tallspicy
Why would unfriending be a bad idea? This man dumped you right after sex, the fact that you did not unfriend him then means you are too accommodating. The truth is you keep him on facebook because you are too afraid to cut the cord with him.
T from NY
Gosh I agree that you DEFINITELY should not send that letter or rendition of it. Not just because men aren’t into words as much, but because it’s been months and he hasn’t contacted you. But I am certainly not going to make you feel awful for not being over a guy. Unrequited love and crushes are real – and most people have at least one in their lifetime. I’m sorry this guy is so constantly on your mind. And it is bad that he disappeared right after sex. That’s no bueno. It is very hard to accept sometimes that such a strong connection was one-sided. But be grateful you were able to feel such powerful feelings and have gratitude for the experience if you feel it was a positive one.
I think if you had more self love, you may not have been so dramatic to delete him from social media, but you def could hide his feed so you didn’t have to see or interact with him in any way. I know when I was very younger I reached out to a dude I really liked – just so he could reject me again – because obviously that’s what I needed to get it through my head he wasn’t coming back. Don’t put yourself through that. Closure comes from inside of YOU. Really. I promise. Once you work on your own stuff and know exactly how you want to be treated and refuse to live in anything but reality — you would NEVER allow yourself to be into a guy who wasn’t into you – the romancey, fuzzy feelings kinda go away and the only thing you swoon over is a guy being consistent and showing up and not leaving.
It’s okay. You’re okay. Don’t send that letter. Develop a radical self love program committed to living in reality, assessing any emotional issues you have in therapy and TEACH YOURSELF to only be attracted to men who are into you. It can be done. Good luck.
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