self-disclosure in a date context: disclose enough & not too much

I’m sorry your family life was so hard growing up, but I’m glad you’re getting psychological support.

I think on a first date, there’s no need to go into a lot of detail about your family history. In fact, dumping a lot of intense personal stuff on a person on a first date is a surefire way to overwhelm them.

I totally understand that you don’t want to have superficial dates, but being wise about how much information you share early on is not being superficial. It’s having good judgement. You can (and should) get to know someone over multiple dates, and make connections, based on shared interests, hobbies, opinions on current events, lifestyle choices etc– stuff that’s about YOU, not about your family history. As you get emotionally closer to someone, you gradually reveal more details about the “skeletons in your closet”, so to speak. It takes time to get close to someone and develop the intimacy that’s needed to go into a painful family history.

If a date asks you questions about your family on the first date, you can say something very generalized that isn’t a lie, but there’s no need to go into a lot of detail. You can say you’re an only child, you don’t see your parents much (do they live far away? that’s a good reason for not having a lot of contact with them). Or maybe you could say something like, “my mom struggles with some mental health issues, so we’re not very close. But I’d love to hear more about your mom.” A respectful guy will not probe or be rude about that.

I don’t know how old you are, but honestly when I was dating I never had anyone question me about my parents on the first few dates. On our 1st date with my current bf I think the only time our parents came up is to establish where they lived (what city, etc). Certainly not what they did for jobs, or anything about their history, etc. We talked about ourselves, our kids, our interests. I’m in my 40s so maybe if you’re younger, it’s more important. But when you get to be my age, not so much, I think.

The thing is, honestly the majority of 1st dates don’t go anywhere. It’s sad but true. So there’s no need to share your life story with a guy on the 1st date. Let some time pass and get to know each other before you dig all that stuff up. Good luck!

You’ve posted about this previously?

You mentioned ‘shame’ in your post… You are carrying a burden that is not yours.

I’m glad you are getting counseling!

Daisy, i send you positive waves and wish really the best for you. I think these days that probably someone who could understand me best is someone that lived approximately the same. I am sorry to read about these tragedies. Before your mom passed away, did you ever get questions and what was your way of answering them? I am quite curious. Or did you always kind of avoid talking of it like I do? I was also very young, I think it showed definitely in her when I was 5 years old. She never ever worked since then. I tried to reveal it to 2-3 dates and I never got a little real sincere empathy in return, i didn’t feel understood, if I was they wouldn’t cause me that pain. On one hand it is hard to tell. On the other hand, I feel like I can’t stay without saying anything. This all is part of me so much. My strength… etc it explains so much. Without knowing I am not sure my values would shine so much. So I struggle with that. It has been a constant pain, and only if you know this pain you see me as I am. I feel like my person can’t be « seen » in one superficial date most likely to end in nothing ….

Hi Pam- thank you, I appreciate it. I feel like my circumstance growing up may have been different that yours. My mother started showing signs of schizophrenia when I was about 2, and by the time I was 5, we were completely separated from her and she lived in a group home (her illness was extremely severe) until she eventually passed away a few years ago. I saw her maybe a handful of times as a kid. Whether it was the right decision or not, we were kept away from our mother, so we weren’t really exposed to my mother’s illness. As a kid a lot of the time I would just tell friends my mother died, which was a lot easier to explain than the truth. So other than the first few years of my life, which were very unstable, I grew up in a very stable environment, where it was easy to not confront my mother’s illness.

In terms of dating, I usually don’t go into detail about my mom. I think it might be easier for me not to talk about her, just because she was never really a big part of my life. So unless the person specifically asked why I didn’t grow up with her (which most people don’t ask), I’m usually met with empathy, and surprise that I’m as well-adjusted and happy despite all I’ve had to go through in life. I genuinely feel showing strength in character far outweighs any sort of negativity that comes from having a mentally ill parent. And wouldn’t you want a partner that you know can weather hardships in life and maintain their strength? And you also have to remember that many people have complicated family situations. And again, if someone is going to judge you based on your mother’s illness, than that person doesn’t deserve your time anyway. Also, some people might just be awkward when you mention it to them and just not know what to say, not necessarily that they’re judging you

I’m glad you are seeking therapy, so maybe if you’re not at that point where you’re feeling like you can stand strong and be confident in yourself, in spite of your past, than maybe that should be your priority before you find your partner.

Thank you ladies, really touched by these messages and support. I just found out one of my best ex dates who withdrawn similarly weirdly, whom I really thought may become my boyfriend and we shared so much hobby wise etc deleted my number from his phone, and this got me crying so hard so definitely feeling supported somewhere gives me strength to go through those disappointing moments.. it was exactly a situation where i stayed superficial and hobby wise, and he complained i didn’t open up, and when i did, he wasn’t there for me. I think definitely i’ll try to remember the “my mom struggles with some mental health issues, so we’re not very close. But I’d love to hear more about your mom.” and test it soon when the question comes up. I’ll let you know if I test it.

Daisy I feel you, and probably as hard as it sounds, you were saved from the situation by the tragedies. I have lived 30 years with the social, financial, and health mental issue of both my parents (lets say my dad also in a way) and trying to make my life the past 10 years even more confronted to the “outside” world. I still believe my mom is an amazing and beautiful woman, but definitely not a person I could easily present to a guy that has grown up “normally” with two supportive parents.

Daisy I completely feel you also when you say you want a “strong” partner, but unfortunately most of this thought is i think here because of what we lived. I have only dated one guy, this year, a couple of times, who opened up to me on date 2 about his depression. And that made me so happy and strong I could almost reveal mine, but unfortunately circumstances made it different, and his interest in me was not sufficient. But only that single time I felt like I was facing someone that could potentially understand me better.

The others mostly directly say “I wouldn’t be able to live far from my parents and siblings” or that they meet them often next to sharing absolutely 0 weakness, and in that case for me it’s obvious that there is nothing special. Nothing that had to make them strong enough. And for the worst, it happens eventually to be the case, since I discover often they lie about themselves, while they have no reason to (like a college degree), and I wouldn’t even lie myself with my story, and or they slowly disappear when I open up.

So I completely completely agree with you, but maybe my main issue is I don’t find that strength often in people. And I miss it. I had to go do my own route, rely more on myself, and people that grew up with both supportive healthy parents seem often not to. Which will then make myself feel directly as an outlier at the same time, from their first comments.

Thank you Erin, btw, for most dates I used those “basic” answers, but yeah maybe I still need to fight too much the fact that their typical healthy answer make me feel sad and withdraw for a couple minutes during the date. So maybe using the sentence above will help the person understand a bit more from me, without me having to be too much the victim of the situation and give me a possibility to rebound on him to ask him questions.

Yes Erin, i initially avoid bevause i don’t want to drop that on them. But the problem is they ask, and that’s the issue. I got my date now and it was a really nice guy with probably close personality to minewho didn’t ask, and I felt rather comfortable to ask him some stuff myself, after our discussions here. Also we will probably meet again. But the question that I get usually lately didn’t arise. Which is nice. And when I talk of disclosure I only tried dropping after a couple of dates …just indeed may be some guys that expect their normal families to be reflected. Maybe the guy I met today is smarter and more open minded than this. We will see :) I am confident for now. However if you come up with more conversational tips, feel free to drop I never have enough .

I will stop posting here. I post here since I am working on myself and there was no need to go and look for older posts of mine where I still wasn’t in therapy. By posting now I am looking for means for short coping. Because these questions arise anywhere actually. Dates but also work and new friends. It hurts me like hell to hear I am not making any effort and this was not the point now in making this new post under a new nickname (for the purpose of a new me, working on myself)…… people are harsh, even on the internet! Thanks ladies for the lovely advice here and I ll try to think more than I am worth it besides those family stories..which I already know. But then be more detached