Seems silly, but I am confused and perplexed…Any pearls of wisdown apprecaited


Home Forums Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals Seems silly, but I am confused and perplexed…Any pearls of wisdown apprecaited

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  • #792813 Reply
    Sandy

    I live in the UK. Our COVID lockdown started at the end of March. About a week before I met a man on a dating site.

    A bit of background… we are both 47. He’s divorced, 10 years and has two adult daughters. One of which lives with him along with her partner and two kids. They are there to save money to by a house. We seem to want the same things and have similar view points. The last two two months plus it has felt like a relationship. We have have spent Hours messaging, taking on the phone and face timing. We did meet up twice, even though technically we weren’t supposed to with lockdown. We spent about 10 hours each time with each other. The only thing that kept him from staying is that his daughter would be very upset to know he met with someone and broke the lockdown.i totally respect that.

    So about two weeks ago, a couple of days after we last met up…he started to act a bit distant and more formal in his messages. So he told me that work has been crazy, a family member of a close friend had died, he had a bad leak in his house etc that meant he basically needed to rip apart his floors/outside etc to find the cause…so just generally stressed. He said he needed time to “sit on his rock and think”. He said it was nothing to do with me and all him. Initially I didn’t understand that his Need for space included contacting me. I figured it out pretty quickly and said I was happy to listen if he wanted to talk etc…he said thank you. So this was almost two weeks ago. The last message I had from him was a week ago yesterday. He asked how I was etc… he signed off his message with the usual x xx😘 I’ve never been through this before and don’t know what to do. My lockdown has been made bearable because of him. And I’ve really developed a deep caring for him, and 100% seemed reciprocated. I don’t know what to do. Is someone who checks out like this still possibly wanting to be with me? If it’s nothing to do with me… why is he letting this effect “us”. Do I message him asking what’s up/where we/I stand?

    Update: I messaged him Tuesday to say thinking about you and hoping you are okay…he sent 7 photos about 5 min later of his dug up garden, ie a total mess he’s trying to sort out because of his bad water leak. He said it been no fun and signed off with the same above emoji and “x xx”…we exchange a couple more messages but no where did he ask how I was or that he missed me etc… So although I am glad he replied, but I did not get the reassurance I was hoping to get aside from his usual sign off…

    #792846 Reply
    ANM Staff
    Keymaster

    Hi Sandy – Thanks for sharing your story, and hopefully our community can help you out!

    The post was delayed because our spam filter didn’t like the “xxx” that appeared in your message. It’s okay, that happens – I made sure the topic is posted now.

    #792851 Reply
    Tallspicy

    Honey!!!! Please stop chasing him. It is making you confused. His lack of actions tell you everything you need to know. He told you he needed to pull back and then he did. Nothing else matters. Assume it is over and if he comes back again, make him start at square one for your attention. Men don’t have to be jerks to be uninterested or unable to be in something.

    Why would he give you reassurance? He is not your boyfriend and he told you he will not be showing up for you.

    Next time a man gives you the busy runaround, take it for what it is…. a breakup.

    #792852 Reply
    Anon

    He sounds like he’s pulling back after he spent that time with you. I’m not sure what all went on when you met up for 10 hours, but he decided to act distant since then. The best thing for you to do is do nothing and give him space. You reached out to him and he didn’t choose to call, but replied back with no plan to see you. I would not ask him where things stand as right now he’s probably figuring that out in his head and you asking that will appear as if you are chasing him. Just do your own thing and put him on the back burner. I think it’s always best to mirror a man’s actions.

    #792856 Reply
    Sugar

    You’ve gotten very dependent on a man you barely know. He’s backing off so you should too. Lockdown is easing up – he’ll come forward if he’s going to. Stop contacting him, let him contact you.

    #792861 Reply
    redcurleysue

    Either he has gotten very busy or he is backing off. Either way you should back off and let him come forward. You are too upfront and putting pressure on him. If he wants you wild dogs will not be able to keep him away.

    #792863 Reply
    Newbie

    Partly due to Corona this has gone through the drain. It has a lot to do with how guys fall in love. Which means pacing yourself and let some mystery be there etc. Its been described as letting him be wanting more. This was way too much texting and also way too long dates. Thats a 12 course dinner in stead of snacking while getting to know. After that he told you he needs time on a rock, which is code for: i dont think im feeling it.
    The problem for women with texting is, is gets us attached while men really dont. So you overattach too soon while the guy is still processing if he wants to continu. Plus also this guy may not really want a relationship. I would not contact him anymore. Im really sorry, i think he checked out already

    #792864 Reply
    Lane

    You became way overly attached to a man who isn’t attached to you.

    Men don’t prioritize relationships like woman do. Men prioritize their work, their career and fixing/solving problems that need their attention. When a man tells me he has to tackle x, y or z, I give him all the space he needs to do it, and when he’s ready to check back in, he will. Until then you need to find other things to focus on while he’s focusing on his.

    He is not your BF. He is just a man you know a little bit about but that’s it. He hasn’t spent enough *time* with you to draw any conclusions because men don’t bond over words, they bond through positive experiences—the more positive the experiences (time spent together) the better luck you will have of them potentially falling in love, in the way a MAN (not a woman) needs to fall in love. Men fall in love in a woman’s absence! Seriously, its the time you are gone (absent) from his life that will determine how he truly feels about a lady. The more he misses you, and can’t get you off his mind, the better the chance it is developing into love, IF the experiences with you remain positive. Give him some darn room to miss you, and if he steps back in, the way he did before the time apart, that’s a good sign its moving in the right direction.

    Its still too early to know because it sounds like he got hit with a lot of stuff all at once that he needs to tackle, so that’s at the forefront of his mind, and taking up all his time. When he has a moment to breathe, come up for some air, I’m sure he’ll contact you again but it still doesn’t mean he’s made any decisions about whether he wants to continue with you or not. When he doesn’t, it will be in the form of an excuse or reason, such as “Sorry but I’m really busy at the moment…” OR “you’re a great lady BUT….” When you get that message, only then can you know where his head is really at, he didn’t get bitten by the love bug, and its your cue to walk away (go not contact).

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