This topic contains 19 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Butterfly2019 2 months, 1 week ago.
March 13, 2019 at 8:22 am #742729
So after a few dates (the last one was planned by me), he didn’t text me for a little bit more than a week (I didn’t reach out) and at some point, I got the ‘hint’ and decided to plan other dates with other people. That’s when he texted me saying he was really busy with something new he had to do in college and that he couldn’t text me earlier. Then, a few minutes later, he asked me (by text) where are things moving forward between us (I really didn’t expect him to ask me this lol) and he wanted to ask me this last time we saw each other, but he was really tired (which was true, he barely slept the night before because of his exam and he had to wake up early the next day to go see his family) and we were a bit in a hurry at the end of our date because I had to catch my bus. He said that he knows that asking this by text isn’t the best thing.
Anyways, I texted him one day after (so yesterday) that I want something serious or friendship and knowing him, he’ll probably answer in the evening or tomorrow. I also have another date planned this evening with another guy.
Why did he ask this? Does he want to move things forward?
I’m just confused by his behavior. Is it a typical case of a guy pulling away when he’s falling for a girl to figure things out and then comes back when he made his mind?March 13, 2019 at 9:15 am #742734
You’re already telling him you want something serious…with who, the cellphone?
Why don’t you discuss all this face to face?
If he’s too busy and can only converse by text ~ why would you want to have a relationship with him anyway?
BTW, NO guy is too busy to send a text to a woman he really interested in. It takes what…a few seconds?
I would continue dating others, and see where things go with this guy.March 13, 2019 at 9:44 am #742740
Hm well we all agree that it’s better to have this conversation face to face and he recognizes it in his text. He wrote ‘I know it’s not ideal to ask you this by text, but we have been on a lot of dates already and I wonder where you see things going moving forward’. So yeah if he has other questions, I’ll ask to meet face to face.
As for what I want, it’s just a fact that I want a serious relationship or a platonic friendship. Why would I lie on what I want or tell him otherwise? I’m actually glad he asked since I can now figure out if we’re on the same page. Other guys ask me this question too online and I don’t mind being straightforward and tell what I want. You make it sound ‘bad’ that I ‘’’’already’’’ told him I want something serious. Of course I did. He asked, I answered. No need to play games by pretending I want something else.
I agree for the text and the rest of your answer. That’s why I post this thread because it confused me. I thought he wasn’t into me, so I chose to agree to going on dates with other guys. But now he wants to know where things are going. It’s the first time it happens to me. Usually, guys ghost and that’s it. Some are jerks and try to come back as if nothing happened. But he came back with an excuse for the lack of texting AND he wants to know where things are going.March 13, 2019 at 9:55 am #742744
Just my opinion, based on what you told us. We only get one side of the story.March 13, 2019 at 10:32 am #742754
I think definitive answers you will get only from the horse’s mouth. we can only speculate. could be that he could say that he really likes you but now is not the right time for him to get into a relationship. or he could go other way. who knows? you have anyways let him know what you want. now let him revert.March 13, 2019 at 10:37 am #742755
I honestly dont know. Its like he is fishing without saying what he is thinking. I think your answer and general attitude (taking the hint, going on another date) are fine. It all depends if he comes back asking you on a proper date. Then you can ask him the same question. I think he is having doubts and therefore was asking you to see how you feltMarch 13, 2019 at 10:53 am #742763
Men (and women) do pull back/take space to sort out their feelings for someone where it could go one way or the other—“I like her”, “I like her not” sort of thing.
It sounds like this guy MISSED you, really likes you, and is now gauging your feelings on what you want so he can decide if it’s worth pursuing anything further with you. You answered honestly and now the balls in his court.
I know it was a spontaneous response, however in the future I would refrain from using the words “serious” or “friends” and be like Switzerland by simply saying “I’m interested in seeing where this may lead.” This lets him know you’re interested in still getting to know him but that you need more time before either of you can truly know where it will go or not. It could LEAD to a relationship/marriage, a friendship or nothing at all. Opening up the lines of communication is the next best step as is spending more time together before you can know if he or you are truly ready for something long-term or not.March 13, 2019 at 12:12 pm #742767
Thank you for all your opinions. I know we can only speculate and that you only have one version (mine), but it’s kind of difficult to have both on a forum ;) So any help is appreciated. It’s also a place to share what you think according to your knowledge/experience, so if any of you experienced something similar, don’t hesitate to tell me more about it.
@Lane I agree with you, these are words that are spontaneous and can ‘frighten’ people, but I’m in a place where I know what I want. The right man won’t run away, he’d be glad and honored I want something more with him. Anyways, my exact answer was this ‘I want something serious or a platonic friendship because even though I think it’s important to take our time and to learn to know about each other, It’s not in my values to have casual flings. You?’. So that was my exact answer. I wanted to be honest, tell him I like to take my time to get to know him and to let him know that I don’t do casual (we haven’t had sex or anything, so I think he figured this out). He has always been respectful towards me and never pressured to do anything I wasn’t comfortable with. He took me on real dates and paid. We have a lot of good laughs together and before the last date, he kept regular contact and put a lot of efforts in his answers. And then he didn’t reach out for a week, but I just let him do whatever he had to do and to come to me when he’s ready. In the meantime, I scheduled other dates since I began to think he wasn’t into me and we never discussed exclusivity.
Also, I didn’t know if he was friendzoning me, but in his text, he said ‘we went on a lot of DATES’ and he didn’t say ‘we hangout a lot’, so I just have the confirmation that there were dates haha
Anyways, the balls in his court as you said. He has a lot of potential for a long term relationship, but I’ll be okay and move on if that’s not what he wants. I won’t try to manipulate him or trap him into a committed relationship. He either wants it or he doesn’t. I’ve learned with time not to wait for people. I know my value and I won’t settle for less or agree for something I don’t want.March 13, 2019 at 5:39 pm #742793
He’s asked you what you think, you’ve told him; now you ask him what he thinks, what he wants to do. If he wants to make a go of it, he needs to express and show that…..step it up.March 13, 2019 at 11:03 pm #742819
It might be that he thinks you are taking him for a ride. LOL
You said he paid for dates all the time? If this is the case, then he might feel he is wasting his money. The choice of words was “but we have been on a lot of dates already”. And now he is asking you where you two stand.
It seems to me he expects sex but wants you to initiate it and does not want to breach your boundaries. At the same time he does not want to invest more. His money or his time.
Give him time to think about it, but also give him clues that you actually do like him. LOL
If you want a real relationship, you are doing the right thing. Do not cave in to casual, and do not go after a man “trying to make things work”. If he is interested in you, he will make the necessary moves forward, provided he is welcome.March 14, 2019 at 5:25 am #742839
I like what Lane said – be like Switzerland by simply saying “I’m interested in seeing where this may lead.”
I think this is the attitude you should have to any relationship.
Yes, you may be ultimately seeking marriage, kids, a long-term partner; but the danger is that you put your focus on the goal rather than the person, and fool yourself into a Mr Good Enough situation.March 14, 2019 at 6:43 am #742844
@emma I meant he paid most of the times :p I did pay in the last date that I planned + I bought him coffee another time lol We are both coming from the same cultural background (which is a bit traditional on these things) and I just think it’s part of being pursued to let the man pay. I don’t think he thinks I’m taking advantage of him and his money by now, but if he is, then maybe I’m not the right woman for him. I just think it’s a turn off when a guy asks to split the bill. I’ve just been raised like that.
Most of what we did was free or really low cost. We are both college students and we can’t afford 100$ meals. I don’t expect him to spoil me. Just to treat me like a lady.
If he expects sex now, then he’ll be really disappointed when I tell him he has to put a ring on it first hahaha As I said, he knows how it works in our culture. He has been really respectful towards me. If sex is what he wants, he should date other women.
@Louise yes I understand that and I agree at some point. I know the dynamic in this ‘relationship’ with him and I can say we just live the present moment. I’m not the kind of person to bring mariage, children, etc. in a date. I let the man talk about these things and my ‘goal’ is to get to know this person. I never brought the relationship subject, but he did and I wanted to be honest with him. Does it make things ‘better’ that I told him that I think it’s important to take our time and to get to know each other?
Anyways, he hasn’t answered yet, which is fine. He’s already a slow texter and I know this subject is serious. In any case, if he has other questions, I’ll tell him that these are things we have to discuss face to face.
I still went to my date yesterday and it was really fun. I think I’ll keep on going to dates with other guys. It gives me another perspective on what’s going on with this other one. I still think he’s the only one I see long term potential with (considering the fact that I met at least 10-15 guys before him), but I won’t put all my eggs in one basket.March 14, 2019 at 11:25 am #742864
Have you told him your feelings on sex?
If he hasn’t been able to figure out whether you two are heading toward relationship territory, it may very well be he is confused as to why you two haven’t been intimate. Have you kissed yet?March 14, 2019 at 1:20 pm #742875
@kali No, I haven’t told him yet
He never tried to kiss me, that’s why I thought at some point that I was in the friendzone. We sure have a friendship, but I thought it was still early to talk about a relationship, that’s why I was definitely surprised he brought the subject.
We were clearly taking our time, living the present moment and having good laughs and conversations together. I don’t know what happened in his mind so that he chose to not text me for a week and then come back and ask me where I see things moving for us after our few dates. Plus the fact that he wanted to ask me this question on our last date… I just don’t get it. His behavior confuses me.
And no answer for now.
I asked some guys I know about it and they said that they wouldn’t bring this kind of subject (relationship) if they weren’t interested in something serious with a girl. I just have the feeling that it’s usually women who want to DTR and men tend to run away from it when they’re not sure about commitment.March 14, 2019 at 1:46 pm #742877
I would not be happy if HE brought this topic up by text, you answered it then he went silent for two days when this was all initiated by him. I do not think this guy is worth your time… sounds like a poor communicator and you are a low priorityMarch 14, 2019 at 2:01 pm #742878
@lala Yeah this situation doesn’t make me happy right now.March 15, 2019 at 5:51 pm #742982
Did he ever respond?March 16, 2019 at 5:47 pm #743111
@Kate nope haha No answer is an answer and I’m moving forward. I just think his behavior is really weird, but I know he’s the one in faulf if he chooses to ignore me instead of just being honest and reject me.
I also feel a little bit stupid to not have an answer.
In any case, I’m the one losing all the interest right now. Someone advised me to give him 3 more days in case he needs to sort out his feelings, but whatever.March 17, 2019 at 10:09 am #743136
what an a^^^.. he dint even bother to revert..March 17, 2019 at 10:40 am #743137
@Tammy haha I know, I’m a bit surprised honestly. He didn’t seem like a player/jerk. Maybe he just doesn’t know how to reject me so he prefers to just ghost. I would have preferred a ‘Sorry I don’t feel the same’ than just… silence. I also suggested platonic friendship since we really got along and had inside jokes + we never kissed or had sex, but he doesn’t even want to put me in the friendzone, which I find a bit insulting.
I’ve ghosted people before that I’ve never met (just online people – they were mostly guys who started to harass me because I couldn’t always reply in a few minutes), but I think it’s disrespectful to do it to someone you met in real life and had dates with.
I’m kind of done right now + I’m talking to other guys, but I’m really disappointed to not have a concrete answer from this guy. I know I’ll move on and I’ll probably find ‘closure’ just by his silent, but it still sucks. I’ve never had a lot of luck in the dating area, so I didn’t really need a ghoster adding up to my curse lolll
Has any of you ever been ghosted? What happened after?