This topic contains 24 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Better off single 1 day, 6 hours ago.
September 12, 2019 at 9:29 am #769872
Better off single
How would you ladies feel about getting flowers from someone who has been gaslighting you for 4 years when the previous day, you lost it with him and said you fkn hated the guy for messing with your mind?
I’m not sure how to feel about it. I was really mean to him and fed up.
Is it a ploy to make me feel guilty or do you think he is genuinely sorry?
It kind of seems like I’m being manipulated and strung along. The flowers give me intermittent hope that things are going to change and get better. I’m an understanding and forgiving person, I give too many chances and wind up looking stupid. This has happened with him before and I felt so foolish falling for it more than once.September 12, 2019 at 9:59 am #769874
Better off single
I’m apprehensive because: He follows tons of other women one being my best friend whom he liked first. Everytime she broke up with her boyfriend, he’d go running to her and I would feel beat down like schnitzel. I’m pretty much the fall back plan and don’t like it. She is currently with said boyfriend again.
There’s tons of other things and I can only find few positives.
I know I am not completely innocent and being so stubborn I did some things I’m not proud of.September 12, 2019 at 11:34 am #769880
Confused and heartbroken.
You know what? Flowers don’t mean s×it when a person really doesn’t care about you and there is no middle ground. Stay out of my business.
Go get her guy. Be her dream man and make her dreams come true because you have stomped all over mine. You have built me up just to push me down over and over again. And over and over i forgave you and you beg to stay and I give in and put up with the horrible things you put me through. You ruined my mind and i do hate you for it. I am just so fking fed up with the games.
I just wanted a real love. With a person. Not a digital entitity. Im so confused. I hate this.
I want to talk to a person face to face. I dont want to communicate theough .usic or subliminal messages. I eant a real conversation. Actually i dont anymore. I want this to stop. This is too deep in to play it off like we’re complete strangers. You want it your way, I DO NOT trust you enough to let you have it so move on to someone else.
I may have been irrational and crazy. My gut instincts tell me something is off. I’m going to listen to it. Please get out of my life and just let me be.September 12, 2019 at 12:24 pm #769893
I deserve Better
He never wanted me in the first place just got me to believe it. He just keeps instigating things to see exactly how far he can push me and how much damage he can do. There is no real love there. He’s the bully picking on the weakest kid on the playground. Manly stuff. What a hero. What an amazing leader. What an inspiration. Pick on the weak one til she breaks in half. What a champ. Enjoy the victory.
I DONT LOVE HIM AND I DONT WANT HIM. I was just in love with the idea someone actually wanted me. I had this hope this guy was my soulmate and i am so stupid for it. I tired to play his game and of course I know I wont win so I forfeit. I want it to be over. Every time I think I’m over it, he does something to stir the pot of sh×t.
That is truly an evil, sick, selfish, sh×tty thing to do to a person. I just dont understand why he won’t leave me alone and move on?September 12, 2019 at 1:02 pm #769897
Better off single, I say this in the kindest way possible please go seek some help.
Perhaps you can journal these thoughts privately and share then with a professional.
I don’t think this forum is equipped to assist you.September 12, 2019 at 1:17 pm #769899
Better off single
I’d rather be anonymous.
I made the mistake of trusting someone for true love and you see how well that turned out. Yay! Cognitive dissonance and more anger issues!
I have no trust for a “professional” who can easily institutionalize me for any reason, put me on meds to make symptoms worse, or make me a ginuea pig for a new drug on the market and really fck my brain up even more… No thank you. I really dislike “professional” therapy. Been there done that. Had a bad experience with a german psychiatrist trying “new methods” and “I just have to be open minded and give it a try” so no thank you.
I just want a different perspective. I feel like I’m missing something here.September 12, 2019 at 1:19 pm #769900
Better off single
I want someone to walk a mile in my shoes.September 12, 2019 at 1:27 pm #769902
BOS, no offense intended, but no one here can or wants to walk a mile in your shoes and it’s not the job of this forum to provide you with someone who does that. As Khadijah said, it’s really time to get your own private diary and stop with the ramblings here. Sorry therapy didn’t go well with the person you tried, but you have to keep trying to find a mental health professional because posting here isn’t helping you either. There are many with a sliding scale so if you don’t have insurance or funds you have go for free or no cost. There’s also an online service called BetterHelp. I think everyone here would like to see you make some positive changes, it’s heartbreaking to see your posts, especially when it’s clear you’ve been drinking, you have admitted to having a drinking problem too and sometimes it really shows. PLEASE. The admin here probably isn’t going to let these posts stay on and you could be at risk for being banned.September 12, 2019 at 2:22 pm #769905
I’m sorry to hear that your experience with a professional didn’t work out.
However, I think its worth another shot. It seems to me like nothing is getting better for you.
I urge you to rethink this and do some research to find someone who can address your issues.
Wishing you all the best.September 12, 2019 at 4:53 pm #769915
Better off single
I just want the truth. That’s all.
This would be the 2nd time I’ve been held against my will and being able to do nothing about it because someone found me “facinating”
Thank you for your kind words. I think I just need to do more research on on cognitive dissonance and figure some things out.September 12, 2019 at 5:10 pm #769917
You are not wrong for feeling bad and expressing your emotions. Sending flowers is a nice gesture..It’s been 4 years? That’s a long time hun. And you aren’t going to find the truth from strangers on the internet. The truth would come from him..or from within yourself. It’s hard to let go of people. It seems like he is not your best interest. Sometimes it takes meeting with different therapists to find the right one. No shame in that. I recently met with one last week who I actually connected with after a few options. Seeing a therapist these days is like going to a spa or an exercise class and so many people do it. You don’t want to waste your life/time on somebody who isn’t making you happy. Best of luck girl xoxoSeptember 12, 2019 at 8:05 pm #769927
Reaching out to the community and seeking help is good. Sometimes just writing stuff out is helpful too. We all need our outlets.
I’m not comfortable with the idea of topics which are more like journals than interactions though. There’s a big fuzzy line with that, and I don’t really want to set up hard boundaries on this sort of thing. But this topic does feel less “interaction” and more “journal”. It might be better posted to tumblr or the like – I’m serious, I think that’s the better move for this kind of thing.
I generally stay away from injecting my own opinion into individual threads because I don’t want to be called upon to play referee with the finer details of the topics. I’ll just say that — in general — there are different forms of professional help out there. The forum isn’t one of them, and it shouldn’t be considered a substitute for any form of professional help. When getting professional help is the right move.. go get it!
ALL THAT SAID, I’m not closing this one out. For now? Just because I think the community may have other positive stories to share which will help you, BOS, as well as others.
Stay positive. Find a new mode of helping yourself.September 12, 2019 at 9:52 pm #769935
Better off single
Fowers are nice gesture. I’m just so confused by it…I do not understand why this is happening. He’s been gaslighting me and I am always afraid something unfortunate is going to happen to me afterward like previous times in the past.
I always try to see the best in a situation or someone and want to believe in the good or a lesson in it. It’s just so hard to see the positive when everything else around me is negative. I get these paranoid thoughts like he’s using me to get to someone else or I did something and he thinks I deserve to be treated this way or I’m a nobody and a loser anyway, so he sees no harm in creating this chaos while I try to figure out balance in my life OR he’s been VERY hurt in the past by someone else and he’s attempting to train me to not be that way because of his own trust issues or has vendettas against women with similar attributes and characteristics. When I’m probably nothing like that/those women yet he compares me anyway. I’ve learned a lot so I guess I shouldn’t complain and be thankful?
You’re right nobody can give me the truth except for him, which he knows, and that’s where his power is while I slowly go insane and have severe anxiety attacks and lack of focus when stuff like this happens.
ANM staff- I’m not looking for professional help, just perspective. Sometimes, it helps me find the truth within. I apologize to everyone for coming off so crazy.
Got it and thank you.September 13, 2019 at 9:35 am #769971
Counselors are people so it’s natural that each one is different with their own pros and cons. I’ve seen three, first two being free university counselors, and the third was someone’s marriage counselor but who was said to be so good that I tried her for two sessions during a tough phase of life. They were all licensed and trained psychologists but I call them counselors because 95% of what they did was listening/questions. 5% was methods or any science. Like a mature, intuitive but unbiased friend with promised confidentiality. I think you need someone similar, not that experimental german guy (though that does pique my inner scientist). Plus, mine were all women so I don’t know if that makes a difference.
You actually didn’t come off crazy to me. Rewind to 2-3 moments in my life and I would’ve written what you have. Not content obv but fluctuating tones, brainstorming out loud, and exhibiting the feeling of being lost in the labyrinth of own mind. And this is where self-help like the “grounding exercise” can be wonderfully useful and necessary, to get out of your head.
Sometimes it’s irrelevant what the flowers mean, or what someone’s intentions are. I always believe that a person isn’t defined by the last (good or bad) interaction you have with them, but who they’ve been throughout your relation with them. I don’t know if there are any ties you have with this person that prevent you from getting rid of him completely, but if not I think it’s clear they need to be out of your life given the effects they have on you. And if you struggle with that, emotionally or legally, that’s where a counselor would come in.
I personally don’t mind a post being used for journal-esque venting, but it can be concerning. No one knows anyone here, but you still don’t wish to see even a familiar stranger struggle like so. You seem like a kind and intelligent contributor around these forums. So I hope you can find peace and happiness very soon.September 13, 2019 at 3:15 pm #770219
Dear BOS! You give pretty good advice on peoples posts but whenever it comes to you own situation you are always rambling.
It might be a lot easier for people to give advice if you just stated your situation in a clearer way! I ve read so many of your posts and i still have no real clue what exactly is going on in your life?! You have a stalker? you have been hurt? you have been gasligthed? you have several friends that have a sexual interst in you but you dont?
Is this all about the same person? different ones? what is actually going on? I understand this is all very personal but maybe it would help if you were a little clearer?September 13, 2019 at 3:16 pm #770220
But maybe you already did somewhere and i missed it?
I really dont want to be harsh! All the best to youSeptember 13, 2019 at 5:59 pm #772887
Sounds like he’s really messed up and he’s only going to mess up your head. Try not to think about him and move on from him.September 13, 2019 at 7:33 pm #772899
Better off single
He already did. I guess he feels he doesn’t “owe” me anything and he took so much from me already. I just want it to stop and i dont know how to make him stop.September 13, 2019 at 7:34 pm #772900
Better off single
Thanks anderson and cupcake.
I am afraid to talk to anyone about it because I cant prove anything and look crazy.September 13, 2019 at 7:49 pm #772901
Better off single
Humor me and put your self in my place for a moment:
You are being stalked by a man who can charm the pants off of you if you let him, that shows an unwillingness to accept responsibility for his actions, (as well as callousness and lack of empathy) implies he leans more towards to sexual promiscuity, yet loves you the most, and knowing it is psychologically destroying your self esteem and self worth, doesn’t seem to want to let it end.
Would you want to meet him?September 13, 2019 at 11:15 pm #772916
No. I would not want to meet him. My instincts would kick in screaming WARNING! WARNING! and I would do whatever possible to avoid the guy.
Build a tower around yourself when it comes to him that nothing can penetrate. Block him everywhere and ignore him if you see him IRL.
It’s called self preservation.
Do it for your peace of mind.
Good luck.September 15, 2019 at 10:44 pm #773162
chaotic emotional torando
It’s kind of hard to do when he is watching everything i do and everywhere i go somehow through my phone. I have changed phone numbers, deleted my email, got new phones. Nothing helps. i hate feeling this crazy.
When will it be enough?
There was a study done in the 20’s where researchers experimented with a toddler and a rat.
A toddler was exposed to a white rat while researchers made loud and scary noises every time the toddler reached for the rat. The toddler not only feared white rats- everything furry. The toddler’s brain was overgeneralizing: expanding the coding of fear to include similar sensory experiences – no matter how strong or weak they were. A peripheral sighting of a small, white animal darting away would inspire fear just as much as an interaction with an actual white rat.
It’s unpredictable danger paired with context conditioning. A brain drainer. In our modern world we are less likely to be able to predict danger, this wreaks havoc on our brains. Unpredictable shocks are worse than predictible ones. Pair a tone with a shock (like with music perhaps and causing an negative emotional reaction by actions creating a shock) and you fear the tone as well as the shock.
With unpredictable shocks, there tends to be more context conditioning, which means that your brain doesn’t merely pair the tone with the shock; it pairs anything present in the enviornment at the time of the shock. This can operate at a conscious or unconscious level. This can turn you into an anxious person who is always on high alert and you may go out of your way to avoid potentially fear-inducing situations or people. I avoid my best friend a lot, I iscolated myself from everyone (even my own kids) for awhile, and i never feel safe anywhere I go anymore. I’m extra cautious of new people I meet. Especially men.
I have no idea what to do. He won’t leave me alone. Im always on the edge expecting another shock, setback, psychotic episode, anxiety attack. I hate feeling like this. I just want peace. I want to move on and have peace knowing he is gone.September 16, 2019 at 1:49 pm #773232
Bos, im with cupcake on this and also khadilla amd im sorry you dont think you can profit from some professional help. It helped me, and it wasnt about feelings or medicine but to get some solid ground back.
You sound lonely and in your head and i so wish for you that you werent.
And now back to cupcake. When it comes to posts here, you can see right through gaslighting and other forms of manipulations. Why cant you see that for yourself? Women who get battered also get flowers and a sorry and that makes them stay. If you think and feel this guy is gaslighting you for 4 years now, then you are most likely right. The flowers are meant to keep you stuck. Just do one same thing today and say to yourself that you dont need toxic people around you. Garbage needs to be put outside. You can do way better and i hope you do find waysSeptember 16, 2019 at 1:51 pm #773233
Sane thing not same thingSeptember 16, 2019 at 5:36 pm #773252
Better off single
He obviously knows I want it to end. The thing that circles around in my mind is why won’t he stop? I know you guys think im crazy but you have not seen what i have or been though what i have so i understand.
I’m not that lonely. Honestly, I LIKE being alone. Half the time, I WANT to be alone. and when I want the company, I have friends I can plan things with. My kids play with their kids. It’s honestly a great set up because they have been my friends for over 20 years and it’s so cool to see our kids play together.
My life isnt that problematic and I do my best to support my kids (i know i could do better) it is what i want to focus on now. This takes up so much headspace and I want it out so i can focus better. The second I get those floodgates closed the damn breaks and I have another panic attack. I absolutely hate the feeling of being watched.