Remains close to the ex – is this alright or am I unreasonable?


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This topic contains 46 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Nancy 2 months, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #732980 Reply

    Lucy

    I disagree. I don’t think he’s throwing anything in her face or making too big a deal about his female friend. He’s talking about his life which is perfectly normal. If this friend was a man no one would think it was odd, they’d be happy he was integrating her into his life.

    If he’s being honest, which I tend to believe he is or else he would have hidden the friendship as long as he could, he is simply talking about his day to day life which includes this friend. He contemplated the amount of contact he has with the ex then had another discussion about it only after nancy let him know she was uncomfortable with the friendship. He wasn’t dwelling on his friendship but rather was dwelling on Nancy’s feelings about his friendship with the ex. His response was considerate of her feelings and show he values his budding relationship with nancy.

    I see nothing “off” about any of that.

    #732981 Reply

    Agree

    I disagree. No man I have dated has ever given me blow by blow updates about who texts him every day. Unless there is an update on a topic or something interesting, telling your GF you got a text from a friend isn’t integration. I don’t know what it is. Time will tell. Often men change habits because they are asked to and later resent having been asked. This is a case of him being still in the infatucation stage with the new woman. its been about 30 days of knowing her In time we will see if it works out or he ends up resenting being paranoid about who and how often he talks to his friends. a lot of men end up bailing at 3 months and so this seems like early drama and it may not mean anything in the end

    #732989 Reply

    Pandora

    Lucy said: “If this friend was a man no one would think it was odd, they’d be happy he was integrating her into his life. ”

    Lucy, the thing is, its not a man, its an ex, they had been together on and off for 3 years and lived together as well, he moved out from her just like 2 months ago or so

    so no, I dont think its normal or maybe its normal but its not considerate

    but as Agree said, time will tell

    I just really think its unfair to thro all your dating history into the others face in the first month, forcing Nancy to tell him she is not okey with it and making him “doing favors” for Nancy or what to stop the excessive contact with her (the friend), and possibly resenting her later for it and calling her jealous or something…

    I just dont think it was fair of him to put Nancy into this position in the first month

    #732991 Reply

    kaye

    First of all, I disagree with Agree. Who said he’s giving her blow by blow updates of their text messages? SHE is the one who asked what he meant when he said he maintained a friendship with his ex and that is when he said they talk over text most days. She obviously told him she had a issue with it and that is when he admitted he met with her and her new boyfriend for drinks and said he “wasn’t prepared to end his friendship with her.” So she’s the one pushing for information about his contact with this ex. He’s not throwing it in her face.

    I dealt with a similar issue when I started dating my husband. He had an ex he was friends with and actually worked out with every day and was in contact with every day. Yes it was weird at first and made me wonder if their relationship was really just platonic. But as time went on and he started seeing me and spending more time with me and falling in love with me his time and contact with her diminished until they may talk once or twice a year now.

    You have to let a man gradually give up his freedom for you. You can’t come in all demanding and controlling one month in and expect a good man to stick around. This guy sounds like he’s being honest and straight forward about it so you can either accept it and let him build the trust in the relationship with you regarding her or you can decide you can’t deal with it and let him find a woman who can. My husband had already dealt with several jealous and insecure girlfriends who couldn’t deal with his relationship with his ex before he met me. But no man is going to give up his friends for a women he just met. And as another person said most relationships last 3-4 months and that’s it. He’s not going to give up a long friendship for some girl he just met and doesn’t even know will last. Be realistic.

    #733005 Reply

    anon

    I think there is a difference between men and women who are platonic friends and always have only been that and “exes”. Friends are just friends. Exes shared sexual and emotional attraction and IDK, staying really close unless those two factors just really never developed on either end is weird. Probably one of the two has some feelings in the game still.

    I think its pretty rare that two people come together, date, have sex, have an emotional connection and then both of them dissolve it equally and just go “OK, friends is fine!” and fully let go of the other feelings.

    #733010 Reply

    Jenny OG

    It depends, exes can be dangerous *as I know too well. Lol* but I’ve also come to find out that men will organically cut them loose when you’ve become that important to them. They’ll naturally start texting them less because their thoughts just so happen to be filled w you. Exes will become a sacrifice they’re more than willing to make because they find your relationship so fulfilling that it’s almost as if time invested in maintaining the relationship with their ex becomes less desired, insignificant and even wasteful in their minds. Granted there are SOME occasions when the friendship is SOLID and will be maintained, but it will likely be very casual & at a distance = not DAILY communication. If this isn’t organically initiated BY HIM within 6 months to a year *which is giving him a HUGE amount of leeway, I’d address it and from there, determine if I could or couldn’t accept the decision or outcome entirely & either swallow the pill or move on… Good luck!

    #733044 Reply

    Nancy

    Hi ladies

    Such worthwhile opinions to me, thank you so much.

    To clarifying- he spoke at the very beginning of his remaining friends wit the ex, and then hasn’t mentioned it again until I specifically asked. He is clearcthey really should have remained friends and that’s what works. My honest opinion is if she is initiating pretty much all the time which I asked and he confirmed, and it’s increased lately, that it’s her who’s new relationship isn’t great or she’d be full of him as he is with me.

    He was clear when we spoke the second time that I’m the priority as we are trying to build something together and he is very happy with how this is progressing, hence he relayed he gets my point and will be backing off with such regular contact, which isn’t initiated by him in any case from what he says.

    Other than this, we have a very exciting and happy start to our relationship. Just this one conversation that I asked and he said which I believe was an honest answer, and for him to consider and adjust has made me feel he feels as I do.

    #733389 Reply

    Nancy

    Hi ladies. Just wanted to update given your time you’ve spent responding to this thread.

    So the friendship with the ex. He suggested they have less contact rather than daily and she says she is finding it hard that he’s with someone else.

    I haven’t told him what to do all the way through, rather I’ve said it’s not something I’m ok with and this confirms to me more that it isn’t normal or ok or something I sound be cool about as some have suggested. He now sees this from the reaction of his ex and has said he wants them to be riends but this isn’t something for the now. He said he’s happy to be her friend but if it gets difficult then his priority will be me and us as we continue to build something special.

    I’m still keeping an eye on this as we still are early on, but he can’t do more and I’m pleased I didn’t get stropy and told him what I think he should do, just how it affects me and he took the cues from there and has thus far handled things

    #733393 Reply

    Sara

    Uh oh. If that’s what she said, he should drop contact with her for a while to give her time for her feelings for him to die off. Only once she’s able to come back and say she isn’t secretly hoping for something else from him and is honestly happy he’s found someone else, should he resume contact. If he still thinks they can be “friends” he is delusional.

    #733395 Reply

    Nancy

    I agree. He is clear he’s said to her and she’s agreed they need proper space and friendship isn’t something for the now. He says at some point he’d like to be friends but if she or it is difficult then he will shut it off totally if that’s needed. Said he’s sad she’s upset but it isn’t his issue and won’t let it be something that he is responsible for sorting out. He’s told her to focus on herself and not be concerned about how he is.

    He’s really not the sort to be horrid, I couldn’t imagine him being such. He is someone who chats to ex’s every now and then and can’t imagine anyone really having a bad word to say about him and can see that he wouldn’t say cut all contact but he is realising he may only see it as friendship but she isn’t and he won’t feed into that now so I’m pleased I think.

    #733406 Reply

    Nancy

    Joe- I’m wondering why he’d say anything at all to me then? I sense his honesty and that it’ll fizzle and he’s distancing himself due to what we are building and the dynamic changing now he’s with me. They have been friends without others on the scene and now he’s with me it’s changed and I think it’ll fizzle now to something normal with the conversation he’s now had with her. I can understand that if you have a friendship or whatever after splitting for eight months with lots of contact when no one else is on the scene but that changes when there is as that easiness and company isn’t required as the focus changes to the new partner. She has a new partner too and I believe it’s one sided from her to him and now he knows this he’s clear he doesn’t want that and has told her the need space and he isn’t bothered if there’s a friendship in a true sense after that.

    #733420 Reply

    Nancy

    I really appreciate you input joe as a guy. Not sure if you’ve read the whole thread but he relayed they were friends for four years before they were in a three year on off relationship which ended eight months back, but he stayed renting from her till a vouple of months ago and he says they went back to friendship for that period hence the remaining friends. Although for me it seems they maintained a sort of relationship as neither had anyone else on the scene and now the dynamic has changed, I can’t help but feel he feels bad if he now ceased the friendship after eight months of it being that, however I think it was and he now sees it himself that it was not a true friendship, as a friendship wouldn’t feel awkward because someone’s got someone else. Like I say he initially said the friendship was important to him, then said I had a point and yes daily contact wasn’t ok, and now he’s had this talk and he’s come away saying yep she has reacted in a way not indicating friendship so we need space and if she can do friends later fine but if not that that’s that as it won’t interfer with us.

    He’s the sort of guy that has ex’s including his wife who he still has contact with and they had no kids. He’s decent and I can see that he’s think not a lot of this, but is taking charge of now which is way better than where we were at a week back. I think it will fizzle even more as we get closer. I totally agree she can’t be happy with her new guy or she wouldn’t be contact mine. He again is clear she initiates it. He also said he’s ignored a couple of recent texts and she’s hasn’t liked that, but he said that’s her issue not his and he doesn’t want to upset her but it’s only his job to make it better

    #733421 Reply

    Nancy

    That should read he says it’s not his job to make it better that is

    #733422 Reply

    Newbie

    Joe is not a guy and im not sure why she keeps pushing the idea that exes cant be friends. Its not a myth at all.
    I would say, you resolved your issue. Me personally i think you jumped rhe gun too soon, seeing how short of time ypu are seeing this guy. But you did it and you liked the outcome. So go enjoy the guy for now and see if there is long term potential

    #733423 Reply

    Nancy

    Thanks Newbie. I’m not sure I agree I jumped the gun, and as it unravelled it was clear that this wasn’t a case of ex’s actually being friends as one was struggling with the other being with someone, so as it turns out the weren’t really at the friends stage so I’m glad this was sorted early on as I wouldn’t stick around otherwise.

    It’s good advice that I now go on and see where this goes as yes it is now resolved.

    #733455 Reply

    Blu

    I don’t beleive he didn’t realize this woman still has feelings for him. It’s their history. They were on and off for years! Now he is surprised that she still has feelings. What a jerk. And given his pattern with her, he either used her for three years for sex and a place to live, or he also has on and off feelings for her, which is why he kept the communication going with her.

    You seem naive and very trusting of a man you barely know as if his word is truth. You don’t know her side of the story and the real history. And him saying her feelings aren’t his problem is also a jerk comment. He contributed to keeping up the communication with her and now says he’s cutting it off with no concern for her. Even though he made such a big deal about how long they have known each other. Is that a nice guy? A good friend?

    These are the things you watch for regarding a man to see his character come out. He has been leading her on, as he probably has for years now and keeping her in his pocket as a back up. I am sure they had sex when he was living with her which is why she stil keeps up the messaging. I bet she will also be the first person he goes to when you and he have a fight or disagreement.

    You don’t seem to see how incongruous it is for him to make a big deal out of how important this friendship is to him with her and within a few days all of a sudden it isn’t? Why was it so important before and now isn’t? Did you ask him that? Because that’s a red flag too. It means he is lying one wya or the other. You don’t just decide in a few days that someone you have known for 7 years, we’re lovers with and co habituated, as no longer being important because you have a new girlfriend of one month! What kind of friend is he?

    A month in isn’t buikding anything. It’s still getting to know each other. Instead of paying attention to whether or not he is even the right man for you, you are already planning a future in your head with him.

    I know you like his answer for now and I would caution you to pay attention to his flakey behavior. You are latching into all the things you want to hear and beleive and ignore the others. As someone said time will tell. As an outsider and someone not emotionally involved I agree with joe. Something about this doesn’t sound right. I’d be interested in knowing what he did during the off times in their on and off relationship. Is their pattern to come back together when the dating in between breaks doesn’t work out? I find it highly suspicious this should even be an issue in such a new relationship. And it took you saying you weren’t comfortable with him talking to her for him to decide not to talk as much with her anymore? He didn’t have his own common sense to realize the ex was still into him, it took you to help him figure this out? That’s BS. So now he can blame you with the ex and say the reason he can’t talk to her is because of the new demanding girlfriend. That way if things don’t work out he can go back to her and just say he didn’t want to stop communication but you forced the issue. And if you think he didn’t blame you for this you are foolish. He sounds tricky to me. Not clueless.

    #733477 Reply

    Pandora

    Blue, I was thinking the same more or less

    I didnt like they had to talk about this the first month… it seems Nancy knows awful lot of things about the two of them…

    it wasnt fair on her to dump the details on her even is she asked…. but she wouldnt have asked if that game of the man was not pushing it into her face…

    so yes, we will see…

    I also wonder what the “ex” would say about the situation herself… what he is telling her…

    maybe its the other way around, he is wanting her, she is in a new relationship and it is him who is not letting her go, on contrary what he is telling to the OP (Nancy)

    so yes, very inconsiderate of him to spend the first month of a shiny new relationship solving his issues with the ex…

    I would invite the ex for a drink with him, so both girls can see that “superman” in action

    #733490 Reply

    Emma

    I see what kaye is saying, I believe (and know of cases) where it is quite possible to be friends with your ex, but it all depends on the circumstances. These two lived together at one point, this means both of them did see a solid future together, and not that long ago. This is different from casual FWB on and off.

    I also agree that if a woman has a new partner and yet she is upping her comms with her ex, then there is something that is fueling her actions, and it is not just jealousy. This has happened before, most likely. His previous dates could have accused him of hiding things, so this time, he decided to forewarn the OP. Maybe that’s why he spoke of his ex to her.

    Now this dude is cutting that woman off, trying not to lose his new relationship again, I think he must have ruined a few of them in the past, so he decided not to do it again. But being a selfish dork he is not handling it properly.

    I agree that he is a jerk LOL to both women. “Her feelings is not my problem” is not the words of a nice person, that’s for sure. That’s a guy who is arrogant and inconsiderate and selfish.

    I agree that the OP needs to get off her high horse of “winning” this competition and look at the guy objectively, as much as it is possible. Feeling victorious and flattered usually ends up in some very painful mistakes. One fight and he is back into the arms of his ex for comfort sex. Then he’d be running to the OP with his confession of how he regrets it and how it didn’t mean anything. And then the OP would have to do therapy for months and months while the dude feels like a sultan.. two women fighting over him. Have we not heard about such cases here? I know I heard of this scenario in real life many many times. LOL Most men would hide and not tell about sex with the ex, but this dude would tell I think.

    It is smarter to avoid all this trouble and observe things carefully at the start, one month in is simply silly to expect to know someone, I suggest to the OP not to give in to these flattering feelings of a victory over his ex.

    I also know that many weak insecure and immature men “triangulate” all the time. Chances are he is simply a not very smart jerk (talking this way about his ex) but nothing going on between them. But there is also a chance he is enjoying the sultan game here. LOL.

    Time will tell, keep us updated please.

    #733499 Reply

    Anne ohio

    I think this guy talks too much. Who gets this in depth about an ex? I don’t say a frickin word about exes, cause it’s over.

    I wouldn’t make a new guy that I liked listen to endless ex stories. He’s got some nerve, bringing the ex into the mix.

    I think he likes to talk about himself too much. It’s all about him. Aren’t you getting bored, having to take time from fun stuff to talk about him and his ex?

    #733655 Reply

    Nancy

    Thanks guys for your thoughts. Very appreciated.

    To be fair I do way most of the talking in our relationship generally! I asked if he’d had the talk with her, he didn’t bring it up, and I elicited the information by asking questions. I didn’t get the impression he was being callous with her feelings when he said it’s ‘not my problem’ about how she felt, it was said in a kinder way of acknowledging it’s hard for her but ultimately not his job to help her with them now.

    I am not used to any kind of ex contact and I don’t like it so I definitely have asked and probed rather than him chatting about her. I guess we’ll see how it goes, but I’m not sure he will volunteer information as he’s ignored some text from her and I didn’t know this until I asked about the talk they had.

    He’s actually from what I know a pretty humble man who hates the thought of hurting others. But you are all right in that I don’t know him well yet.

    Regarding sex when they had split up and living together he said that did happen once (again I asked) and that was at the start of the split and never since.

    I’m hoping he’s made more sense of it all now and in every other regard he is respectful, thoughtful, considerate and actions as well as words is what I am seeing. He doesn’t want to sit and talk about the ex he talks about me and how I am and my day and us. He’s planned things and dates over the next couple of months, and we’ve had lovely dates twice weekly since we met. He’s also planning to introduce me to his parents and our time together feels effortlessly easy. Yes he is very determined to be very honest.

    I don’t like any of it regarding the ex must admit, but know I’m historically insecure around ex’s until I have some history with a guy so have struggled with what is me and what is ok to be unhappy about, so I am hoping what he has said will be the case or we will finish otherwise.

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