This topic contains 15 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by HS 4 months, 4 weeks ago.
August 25, 2019 at 10:48 am #765845
I’ve been friends with a guy for over 2 years, both met when we were in relationships. Mine ended 2 years ago and his about 6 months before our first date. Anyway we slowly started chatting in a more flirty way on Facebook since April. He finally asked me out a few months ago. We didn’t go on our first date cos of nerves. But eventually rearranged and we have been on 3 dates recently & got intimate on 2 of those. It felt right and I don’t regret it.
The dates have been full of laughter, he’s very affectionate, very cuddly when sleeping etc, paid for everything despite me trying/offering. Not over the top, just very nice company. He’s a little on the shy side so doesn’t say much or b*llsh*t loads of soppy compliments or come on too strong. He seems pretty genuine compared to other guys I’ve dated IRL. He was nervous meeting me on all 3 dates which was cute, even had a drink before our last date and told me he was nervous before he arrived. His parents know we’ve been dating too.
Initially he told me he had a great time after our dates. But after the last date he went very quiet compared to usual. I assumed this was because we slept together again and he doesn’t want to come off / getting too serious. the sex was good and a number of times, so I don’t think thats the issue. Also I’m pretty chill and don’t bombard with texts or calls, I’ve been happy going with the flow, but I know i am ready to date someone properly.
as he went quiet I decided just to not get in touch with him and we got into a little stand-off period last week where we held off contacting / replying to each other longer than usual. I just mirrored his actions more than anything. 5 days later out of the blue, he text me when drunk saying ‘can we just make this good?’ I responded sober the next day saying I’d like that & to plan our next date.
I’ve heard nothing since and he read my message.
I’m the first girl he’s dated since his LTR which ended about 6-7 months ago. So feel like he needs some time to be alone?
I was the last one to reply to him leaving the ball in his court, so don’t feel I need to follow up with anything.
My gut says he likes me, but isn’t ready to date me or possibly anyone. Hence why he got in touch drunk and nothing sober.
Should I just cut contact and let him be single and figure stuff out? I don’t want to be the rebound girl and unsure if this is all I was.
does anyone else have experience dating someone when you’re the first girl they’ve met?
I’m feeling confused, so interested in peoples thoughts
ThanksAugust 25, 2019 at 11:14 am #765848
I know you were ok with that and all, but getting intimate with a guy that early isn’t always a good idea if you want a serious committed relationship. You can’t assume he’s your boyfriend or that you’re exclusive if he didn’t directly ask you for it.
You’re doing good by not chasing him. Let him have his space and time to figure out if being in a relationship (with you) is what he wants. Keep on living your life and seeing other people. When a man really wants to be with a woman, nothing stops him to go after what he wants. If he fears losing you and if he wants you, he’d forget about his ex’s name like yesterday.
Just sit and let him chase. Don’t go after him. He knows you like him. Don’t text and don’t plan the next date. Let him prove himself. Also, set boundaries. If you want him to date you, don’t settle for a casual physical relationship (and no, having sex with a guy doesn’t mean he’ll give you a commitment).August 25, 2019 at 11:17 am #765851
Do you know if he is looking for a relationship? I have a feeling you both are still young and playing the field. I would say 6 months looks like a proper time to get over the ex, unless he was extremely hurt so it looks more like a he is on the fence situation. Mirroring him so far and your clear last message leaves the ball in his court. If he doesnt come up with more plans, you Have your answer. But your gut sounds right to meAugust 25, 2019 at 11:32 am #765856
Thanks for this! The only doubt I have is being the first girl a guy has been out with since his long term serious relationship. I wasn’t ready to date anyone properly for a good year after my breakup, possibly longer if I think back. I didn’t find out about this information about him until after our 2nd date.
It’s just mega confusing when you have a great time with someone in person. Then you start to think they don’t seem ready for what’s in front of them.
I’m very settled in life, but a lot changed for him after his breakup like living circumstances & career etc, so I feel maybe us dating is too soon for him even though he hasn’t said that.
but you’re right I’ve left it very positive, so the only thing I can do now is move on with my life and I guess and if we’re both still single when he’s in a better we will see.
I’m 28 and he’s 31 so not that young!August 25, 2019 at 11:44 am #765859
Yeah with the additional remarks and the upheavel he had, it could be rebound. But it doesnt really matter if he now starts to be luke warm. Its a clear sign to move onAugust 25, 2019 at 11:47 am #765861
I don’t think he’s ready to jump into another relationship. He’s barely out of the last one, and is most likely missing the companionship component but not wanting all the expectations that comes with a relationship. They don’t do this intentionally, its a part of the healing process where one will dip their toe into the dating pool to see where they are at emotionally.
I did this after a relationship, including my marriage, ended. I thought I was ready but after after a few dates I knew I wasn’t so I would pull back; disengage from it for awhile; then dip my toe into the dating pool again months to a year later. After a relationship I could easily take a one year hiatus, preferred being single, didn’t want the limitations or expectations of a relationship, so if it started getting ‘serious’, I would run away.
All you can do at this point is wait and see what he does over the next week. I wouldn’t hitch my wagon to him though, and continue to at least meet others, in the event he’s not mentally ready to go there at this time. He could be in a year from now but I wouldn’t wait around.August 25, 2019 at 11:55 am #765863
@Lane …. That feels like you’ve hit the nail on the head, we had great dates then it went quiet. I guess the more you date the same person regularly, it does lean towards thinking is this going anywhere and would freak me out if I wasn’t ready. Makes sense why he was so affectionate as he’s probably missed it, but isn’t ready to rush back in.
Thanks, everyone, I feel secure about it now. I feel he needs some time to himself to heal and that will save my feelings getting involved / hurt in the meantime :-)August 25, 2019 at 3:19 pm #765892
Perf cat example of how a woman has sex and a few dates and expects the guy to fall into a relationship. Just because you were friends previously doesn’t mean you make a good couple. I’ve dated men a few weeks out of relationships and ended up married to them. I disagree everyone follows the same path about needing a certain amount of time to heal. In many cases, like myself, I checked out of my relationship months before it ended. There was nothing to get over.
Here is what could have happened.
He doesn’t see you seriously as a girlfriend or having a future with you.
He wants more time to be a bachelor and see multiple women.
He’s seeing other women and not just you and someone else is attracting him more.
And hundreds of other reasons we don’t know because only he knows what he is thinking.
My take on this is that when a man pulls back after sex it’s usually because he intuitively or by experience knows that a woman takes sex more seriously and is going to be wanting a relationship. So he pulls back to see how you react. Your reaction tells him if you are more invested than he is.
A man cuddling in bed with you after sex doesn’t mean he wants you as a girlfriend or wife. All these little signs you try to read into are just you looking for clues. Even fwb cuddle in bed. You can be affectionate in the moment and it doesn’t mean anything. At least to the guy. Do you think he has sex with other women and doesn’t cuddle or show affection? Of course he will. In the moment intimacy breeds that. But you have to win his heart. And that’s not through sex.August 25, 2019 at 4:09 pm #765901
LOL I think you’re misreading what I was saying.
It’s nothing to do with the sex or me expecting a relationship. There’s just a few things I picked up on during our dates and I wanted people’s perspective on being the first girl a dude dates since a break up.
I left my ex as I wasn’t happy. But still needed a good 8 months to a year before I felt confident enough to date anyone despite being over him
He’s the one who contacted me after our last date. I’m very relaxed and haven’t pressured him at all.
Not all women are hunting down men to lock into relationships. It’s just the first time I’ve been in a situation like this beforeAugust 25, 2019 at 4:26 pm #765903
You obviously do want him as a boyfriend or you would not give this a second thought. I voiced my view that I actually did be the one to date a guy out of a long term relationship and it worked out. We married. For 15 years.
At least be honest with yourself if not us. If you are reading into cuddling in bed as a sign he’s into you and wants more, that means you are wanting something with him. Dating is a process. Like most women you go into it envisioning a long term relationship before you even know you are compatible. I didn’t read anything different than what you wrote. You aren’t relaxed if you are posting on a forum.
Here’s the thing. You only had three dates. That’s nothing in the scheme of things and for you to say, the more you date it might get serious, really doesn’t apply here.
If you aren’t looking for a relationship why do you even care if you are a rebound. As yourself that. Drop the mic.August 25, 2019 at 5:16 pm #765912
Yeah you’ve missed my point that’s cool.
You don’t know someone well enough to call them your boyfriend from 3 dates. But i was open minded to dating the right person for me.
I just wondered about other people’s experiences on dating or space they needed after a big break up.
It feels it’s maybe soon for this person to be dating and I’d rather not invest going forward, if the timings not right for them.
And yes, I’m relaxed with him. But sat on my own I’m thinking a lot, hence asking people’s opinions from their experiences. The answer is not hounding this guy with questions if my gut is correct lol!
Thanks for your opinion though.August 26, 2019 at 1:04 am #765927
I agree with Karen you probably walked right into this one. The sex was good, but I generally prefer sober compliments. It seems that most men are willing to sweet talk whoever to get what they want and now you’ve gotten into this awkward situation where you actually prefer his naked company. I don’t understand because men are usually pretty direct about what they want and what they are looking for. You being a caretaker to him because of your situation and his unfortunate circumstances unfortunately makes him sound like the prostitute in this case. I think the first question in on a date is what are you looking for and are you ready to date again and etc. Not sex first then decide what he wants or was looking for. I won’t lie to you but you are at a bit of a disadvantage as it stands, even tho I approve of that age gap.August 26, 2019 at 1:36 am #765929
Is Karen omg?August 26, 2019 at 2:24 am #765930
@karen- drop the mic? Oh dear. Why is it some people on here are hell bent on turning things in to a bring right situation
OP it seems to me you are asking if we think what you are telling us indicates if this guy is worth considering I’d he has potential to turn into something more right now or if it’s a waste of your time. You like him, but understand he might not feel the same potential or not be ready. You can only wait and see how he progresses and shelve him for the now. If you’ve other options date them, and put this one to the back of your mind. You’re doing a good job of managing him so far.August 26, 2019 at 3:43 am #765936
I think lane made sense. he likes you obviously but he doesn’t know yet what he wants to do. the going on between you guys is gud. so he probably knows you guys are forming a pattern which could very well turn into a relationship. I guess all you can do in the circumstance is wait for few weeks and see how things pan out. if he does want to give things a shot with you, he will be back. give him few weeks. but in the meanwhile you can get back to your earlier routine pattern.August 26, 2019 at 7:55 am #765955
i was in a rebound relationship a while ago. man knew his wife had an affair for 3 years. he stayed because of the children. eventually split up about 6 months ago. he had no more emotional ties to her, i could see based on his absolute indifference towards her. so i thought to be safe. it wasn’t a rebound
but then later, when real feelings started arrising, i started expecting more, like doing things with friends etc as well. and he got all confused
so i walked away. i was nice, told him i understand his situation. i understand he never intended to hurt me. but i need to be dated propperly. the divorce still caused huge changes to his life, which he is battling to cope with. he needs to sort himself and his life out first