Question about girlfriend getting raped when she was younger

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    Me and my girlfriend been together 3 years. Yesterday she told me she was raped by 4 men in a car. The man was trying to talk to her at first. He then pulled out a gun and told her to get in the car. They took her to a apartment and forced her to give them oral sex. She said they then dropped her back off by her house. We are both 34. This happened to her when she was 18 living with her grandmother. She didn’t tell her family about it.

    She told me about this story recently. She had told me before that she got raped but never told me the actual details until I asked last month. She seemed uncomfortable talking about it. About 20 minutes she seemed real horny and wanted to have sex. It made me wonder if she is turned on and at the same time hurt about what happened to her. I brought up the story again purpose and a few hours later she was really horny and wanted to have sex

    even when we a movie or tv show and if a woman is getting raped she be smiling. I would’ve thought it would had a negative being that it happened to her when she was 18.

    Can anyone offer their thoughts on this



    Tell her to get some therapy.



    Well, it is one of the most horrible things about sexual abuse that while it is an extreme violation it also triggers you sexually at the same time, so that when a victim is being terrorized, she may also experience sexual pleasure. And it is a well known thing that survivors of such an abuse very often react to their trauma by acting out, also sexually. She has never shared the experience even with her family. She didn’t share it with you for 3 years either. I am positive that finally telling you about it brought a number of confused and strong emotions for her. On the one hand, the experience might have been sexually triggering, on the other, she is now in a position to experience a completely different quality of sex, with someone that she trusts and is apparently completely vulnerable with. All those things considered, I don’t find it surprising at all that she wanted to have sex with you soon after telling you about it. As for smiling at movies, could it be just a nervous smile?

    That’s how I would understand it. Unless you are saying that she doesn’t take a rape (even by 4 men) to be a big deal? I find it difficult to imagine that this could be her perspective, especially given how difficult she found it to share it with anyone.



    @Shoshannah so you’re saying it’s normal for some survivors to act out in that way? Like I was saying before she wanted to have sex 20 mins after she told me. She also acted afraid to kiss me after telling me too. I told her she don’t have to be afraid to kiss me cause of something that happened against her will when she was 18.

    Another day I brought the story up again and a few hours later she was real horny. She started giving me oral and we had sex. I just wondered if this is normal or not. I totally understand what you’re saying though.



    Yes, I think this may be a reaction to trauma, telling you might have triggered her in some way. She may also be worried, even subconsciously, that you may reject her becuase of what happened to her, survivors of such abuse normally carry a lot of shame and guilt. I wouldn’t worry too much and I think this should calm down with time. All you can do really is continue being the trustworthy, loving boyfriend that you seem to be, so that she can see that nothing has changed between you two and that she can feel safe and secure with you.



    @Shoshannah What about the smiling when a woman is getting raped in a movie or tv show? Whether it’s one man or multiple. What does that mean? I thought it would have a negative effect seeing it on tv or a movie but it doesn’t bother her at all. She’s likes a lot of them drama soap opera type shows like the Lifetime movies is one example etc



    Maybe she’s just desensitised to it after her experience. Plus it’s pretty common to see rape in TV shows and movies these days.

    Possibly the freedom of knowing that she’s now having consensual, enjoyable sex (as opposed to her previous experience) makes her happy.

    Everyone reacts differently. Plus it was a long time ago now, her reactions are going to be different to what you’d expect from a very recent rape survivor.



    I doubt this is the correct forum for advice for such traumatic incidents. You need to speak to professionls. about this.



    No one on this site is a professional. I suggest you go to a therapist to ask these questions and that she also get some help. This is truest awful and trauma does all sorts of messed up things to the brain.



    I will just write my own brainstorm of this scenario, but please do not take it too seriously:

    I know of a case where a small 7 year-old girl was raped by a grown man and completely disgusted by sex and herself from that point onwards.

    Once she had a healthy mutual crush at the age of twelve, the girl became completely comfortable with both sex and herself, due to the genuine feelings her crush had for her. The crush was a major step in no longer having any shame for that traumatic past experience. Therefore, she started to healthily feel as much sexual feeling as could be possible at that prepubescent age for her crush.

    She was completely liberated from sexual shame from the mutual crush.

    Therefore, I suspect that your girlfriend also feels cleansed of that sexual trauma when opening up to you about that horrific rape and so feels sexually liberated in a pure way.

    It is indeed honorable that your girlfriend has exceptionally opened up to you on this trauma. I now recommend that you encourage her to get therapy. And that will bring more matters to surface.

    Good luck!



    Where is the Mod when they’re needed?!



    I’m a rape survivor and let me tell you this! It’s normal after the rape to act out or close off sexually. What’s worse, women usually like being dominated and I felt terrible telling guys I like it a bit rough because I knew I was raped. They didn’t because I was scared of reaction like yours. My therapist told me that in some way I’d probably love to play-rape but in this new scenario I’d have the control. Besides, it happened to her many years ago, she probably made some peace with it. Rape victims don’t want to be seen as victim for the rest of their lives. See, you’re looking at her differently and she did nothing wrong.
    As for smiling – I nervously smiled watching game of thrones and the rape scenes. Yeah, it’s common on tv but sometimes you pretending everything is fine by smiling.
    Believe me, she didn’t enjoy it and she probably didn’t tell you details about rape because she was worried of exactly this reaction! She had her trauma and victim-blaming is terrible. So be good to her. After talking about rape it’s really comforting to have consensual sex.



    WTF… A 12 year old comfortable with sex?
    No, please No…

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