Queenie’s background + what happened today. Read at your own risk Lol

Now you want to drag your kids into this? I’m sorry but you have lost all sense of boundaries and common sense.

You haven’t improved your confidence one bit because a confident woman wouldn’t put or keep herself in this position, or use her kids as pawns to lure him in. You have a lot more inner work to do. Don’t mean to be harsh but you need a good hard dose of reality.

My friends meet my children/ love my children because they are a part of me. They have not and will not ever be ‘a pawn’ in my relationships.
I talk to him almost everyday, so my kids of course see me talking to him and ask questions. I always answer, “he’s my good friend”, and that’s that. No expectations. I am trying to navigate this single Mom life the best I can, but I am offended by the idea that I’m using my kids as pawns. Never, ever, would I do that. My kids are my world.

Im more interested in his background really.
But that talk example you gave is horrible. You start with its ok if youre not feeling it. Youre trying to control the outcome before it even happened. In a negative way. Keep it simple. I noticed we spent more and more time. I realize i like to get to know you better. How do you feel about it? You dont need to tell a guy he can not opt for it. Guys are perfectly able to express that on their own.
I dont believe you want to drag our kids in this. I think its unfair to say this to you, but i do think its another example of how you prefer to stay in fantasy land. And youre making thos harder for yourself by the day

She isn’t going to ask him on Friday or any other day. This will just continue as it is, living in fantasy land as Newbie put it.

And yes Queenie you might not be intentionally using your kids to get closer to him (sorry if it came across like that), but you are still totally fine introducing them to this mess of a situation.

I don’t think that’s cool at all

Divorced mom here. My bf is a divorced dad. We dated exclusively/seriously for almost a year before meeting each others’ kids. My bf was clear with me early on that he would not introduce his child to a woman he was dating, or meet hers, unless the relationship was serious (and in fact, I’m the only woman he’s dated that his son has ever met). I deeply respected that, and still do.

You’re doing things backwards. You haven’t even clarified your situation with this guy and now you want to bring your daughter into it. Some of the comments here have been harsh, but I understand where they are coming from.

With all due respect, I’m starting to think that you are the emotionally unavailable one. This guy might be as well, but you definitely are. Newbie is right that you are living in fantasy land. I’m sorry for the abuse you went through, I escaped an abusive marriage as well when I was a lot younger. You haven’t been divorced that long (just 3 years at this point) and I suspect you haven’t really healed.

I don’t understand what’s so hard about asking a guy that you’re having sex with (for over a year!), spending so much time with, and now potentially introducing your kids to– what are your feelings for me, where do you see this going? Because if you did actually enter into a relationship with this person, how would you deal with relationship conflict? How will you discuss issues? In a real relationship you have to deal with difficult things at times (you know this). How will the two of you approach problems when they come up if you can’t even have a conversation about getting into a relationship in the first place?

Agree with SS my FWB is exactly that we meet have sex no daily chats and no dates…we are both ok with that. It works for us right now and it worked back then. You have intertwined a GF/with FWB and you don’t know where you stand. I would not have put up with this for a year…a man who wants to be with you will show that not let things linger.
I don’t think you are using your kids but like someone said you felt that him offering was indicating he wants to be more involved so that made you excited ….if he does want to be more involved why won’t he just commit????? Honestly it is time you get annoyed with this man and stand up for yourself. Like why am I good enough for a stand in p/t girlfriend but not all in girlfriend?

If you want to, you can even start with – I feel uncomfortable asking but I was wondering…..

Queenie, I feel for ya. And I’m glad you’re here getting advice. You’re getting a lot of good perspectives. Some may be coming across as a bit harsh, but I am sure everyone here is speaking to you from a place of wanting to be helpful.

How old are your kids?? I ask because kids are smarter than you realize and pick up on a lot. They are little sponges right now, watching and learning from everything you say and don’t say and do and don’t do. Please be mindful of that. My parents split up when I was young and both my parents were dating (both now remarried) and honestly, they both brought home too many people. My mom in particular brought men home to meet me and my siblings way too soon. It was hard for us to understand why they’d show up and disappear and then why she was upset if we asked. So my two cents is, don’t bring this guy around your kids until you’re crystal clear on where you’re at with him. And if he’s only FWB, I’d say you should think very carefully before bringing him around at all. Maybe don’t talk to him in front of them so much.

I feel like you need to work on not just yourself but understanding men better. Men love having a job. Teaching your daughter guitar is a job. Him wanting to do it does NOT mean he’s interested in you romantically!!

Years ago I had a friend who came out of an abusive marriage and took up with a guy who told her up front he did not want kids and would not marry someone with a child. (She had a son.) She dated him for almost three years, he did things with her and her son, she thought he changed his mind… right up to the day he told her he’d met someone else and he was feeling it was time for him to get serious with a woman who he could marry and have children with. She was devastated and he said, I never lied to you, I always told you that I cared very much for you and I think your son is great, but I”m not signing up to be a stepdad. She shut up and went along, secretly hoping he would fall for her and her son and propose. Nope. Six months later he proposed to the woman he left her for and within another year they were married and pregnant.

Men are generally pretty honest – when he says I don’t want a relationship, I”m not getting married again, etc, he’s most likely telling the truth. Unfortunately women take that as a challenge to change his mind.

I observe from your posts that you’re pretty far in emotionally with this guy. If you’re not already in love with him, you’re close. Therefore you have handed over all your power. You seem to get overly excited if he does anything you can interpret as real interest in you. I sense you’re looking too much for a relationship and to find meaning in your life through a man. It works the opposite. The less you need them, the less you care what they do or don’t do, the more you are solid with yourself, the more attractive you are and the more likely you get a good one who sticks around.

Most women are not cut out for FWB. Honestly, I feel like you fall into that category. The fact that you’ve gone so long without being able to have a short talk with him about your status is proof. If you could handle FWB you would have said a long time ago, hey, how are we doing here? And been able to handle the answer either way. Obviously, you’re going to be upset and disappointed if he doesn’t like you the way you like him.

You’re playing with fire and you’re going to get burned at some point, it’s inevitable. But maybe that’s how you’ll learn. If you want to learn the easier way, address your issues with a counselor and learn how men think and operate. I feel like you’d benefit from working through and resolving anything you’re carrying from your abusive marriage. Liz is right, you might be the one who is unavailable… and if that’s true you will keep unconsciously seeking unavailable men. You need to know who you are and what you want and where your boundaries are so you get into a good relationship next time around. (This guy may nor may not be it.)

Take great care of you and your heart. Do it for you. Do it for your kids.

I’m rooting for you.

You say this guy has had 2 relationships in his life, one of which was only 2 years long. Don’t get me wrong, 2 years is a significant amount of time, but for someone his age it’s not a very long amount of time. He’s never been married, I assume? No kids?

Honestly an almost-40 year old man who only has 2 relationships under his belt (one of which was only 2 years long), is probably not super into relationships. I don’t think this guy is looking to settle down. He might be happy with the FWB thing, that might be more his style. Just my two cents, as a woman in her 40s. If I were single and dating and met a guy like this– who was happy to do FWB (and do it intensely) but had very little actual relationship experience– it would make me wonder. All the more reason to clarify things with him (as if you didn’t already have enough reasons!)

I really liked Elvira’s point that you’re good enough to play house with, now he wants to bring your daughter into it, but you aren’t good enough to make an official girlfriend? If he wants to get more involved in your life, why not make it official? I think a 40 year old man who wanted a relationship wouldn’t let this situation drag on the way it has. So I think he might be more comfortable with the no-strings-attached, pseudo-relationship you’re in.

I’m hurt. Please be kind
I got the answer everyone expected.

you finally did it! not you jut need to be strong and let him go completely, because I am sure he will still be contacting you.
I must say I am proud of you for asking him , it is not the answer you wanted to hear but like you said we all knew what the outcome is going to be.

You’re not dumb at all! You knew something was up or you wouldn’t have started posting about it here. You communicated, clarified, and stood up for yourself. All good!! I’m sorry you didn’t get the answer you were hoping for in that it’s disappointing and painful for you… but this guy also wouldn’t make a solid romantic partner and finding that out for certain sooner is always better than later.

You also know you want something more committed than perhaps you did a year ago. And once you’re ready to try again, not to start things up if the guy says he’s not interested in serious with anyone right from the get go (a guy in that mindset won’t change, but it has nothing to do with you). This will end up being a good thing for you, even though it won’t feel that way for a little while. Focus on you and your kids and be kind to yourself :)