This topic contains 14 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Khadija 1 month ago.
March 19, 2019 at 9:11 pm #743412
So, my partner and I were great, talking every day, good sex life, simiar sense of humor and lots of future plans.
Then, out of nowhere, he says he can’t continue because of his anxiety and wanted to go back on depression medication and thus didn’t want to continue and needed space.
OK. Honesty, willing to work on himself/self care – I get it. I was devastated I wasn’t able to talk to him about it and was slightly offended he didn’t think it was something I could handle, but it was his decision.
We have kept in chat contact, but not seen each other for a few months.
He says he’s been feeling better and more himself – Should I ask to reconnect?
I am worried the moment is gone, or I’m forcing him into a decision he doesn’t want to make. BUT I also just want to know so I’m not wasting my time. I haven’t exactly been waiting around for him, but I haven’t wanted to see anyone else or whatnot.
What do I do? Risk triggering his anxiety, or just jump in and hope for the best?
I don’t want to keep circling the issue, but I love him and see a future there so…. ARRRGH.March 19, 2019 at 9:18 pm #743413
This could be one of two things. He used the depression as an excuse to get out of the relationship or he seriously has issues. Either way, it’s up to him to come back to you. He broke it off. Not you. I would tell him you want to be with him and if you are still available when he comes back, that’s an option. But as you said, don’t wait around because you really don’t know his true motive. If he’s really feeling better than he will decide on his own if he wants back in.March 19, 2019 at 9:37 pm #743422
HE broke something you had built together not you. Its 100% his responsibility to approach you now and beg to be with you. In my opinion he doesn’t sound great at all. If I was you I would be healing and shortly meeting other men. This one is not goodMarch 19, 2019 at 9:50 pm #743424
Yes – it had crossed my mind that it was an excuse, and he was being cowardly, but I have since found out it’s the real deal. I just think men are not very good at seeing signs or invitations so wasn’t sure if I should make a move. We text maybe once a week or two, before that it was all day.. he was the one pursuing me at the beginning, before we kind of got into the real stuff.
I know it sounds bad – I guess I haven’t explained it well, would take pages and pages. Ha.
And I agree, his way of dealing with it isn’t ideal – but he has depression, so I’m not holding it against him, especially if I can actually talk to him about it. He just hasn’t gotten into contact regarding that so I don’t want to push him.
other than that, he was literally a great fit – we had spoken about everything – our future plans, dreams, hell – even what we were doing the next day. If it was something I did or about me, he knew I was a straight shooter.
My therapist says to just put it on him and if it’s a non commital reply or in the negative, to just move on. Which I know is logical, but what if it’s just a bad day to ask. I don’t have depression so I don’t know how it all works…March 19, 2019 at 10:02 pm #743426
He hasn’t asked to see you, so I wouldn’t push it too much if I were you.
You could say, hey let me know if you’d like to get together, would love to see you. That shows him if he asks, the answer is yes. That’s as far as I’d go. He broke up with you. He needs to do the work to get you back, depression isn’t an excuse going forward.
I”m sorry but I don’t think he’s the “great fit” for you that you have idealized him to be. This is a man with major issues who didn’t want to/couldn’t be in a relationship with you while he sorted them out. He says he’s better but isn’t making any move to come back.March 19, 2019 at 10:52 pm #743439
Also – any actual men on here? I’d like a guys perspective, I have already heard all this from my girlfriends – it’s all the same, but guys think way differently.March 19, 2019 at 10:53 pm #743438
Yeah – You are right – he’s not trying, which either means he really needs more time or is just not in that space anymore.
I know depression isn’t an excuse, but it’s a reason. It’s an emotional issue, and being in a relationship is emotional so they are related things.
I know all of this – but all I wanted to get an opinion on is whether I should even ask him or leave it. I’ve done all the unpicking and overthinking already.March 20, 2019 at 12:23 am #743441
Sandy, I didn’t mean to imply that depression was an excuse for what’s happened between you two in the past. Depression is real, and a very valid reason for not being able to be present with someone. What I meant was, going forward, it shouldn’t turn into an excuse. I hope that makes sense. I did not mean to invalidate or disparage his illness.
I think the opinion here is leave it, or at least don’t ask him directly. His not asking to see you even though he says he’s doing better is already an indication that either he isn’t ready or he isn’t in that space any longer. A guy who wants to see you, asks to see you.
There are very few men here. If you want a male opinion, try a site aimed at men.March 20, 2019 at 12:55 am #743442
Sorry to hear of his depression. It can cause anyone to withdraw from relationships. Perhaps it was a reason to back off from you or just an organic response to this medical situation.
Let him be and empathize with what he’s going through. But it’s not a good idea in my experience to let on that you will waiting around for him. They will take you for granted and not put an inch of effort into seeing you and moving things forward.
Maybe do no contact for awhile and see if he ever reaches out to you and keeps in touch.March 20, 2019 at 3:34 am #743443
Hey Tiggy, yes I knew you weren’t being inflammatory for the sake of it, and I agree but I’ve seen my mother who has depression pull away even more if people try to force a decision on her. Not sure if this would happen in this case but that’s why I’m asking around.
Funny, I Google ‘men’s perspective relationships’ and this site came up second so I guess Google are a bit clueless if this is a women’s site!
Lorraine, we did no contact for three weeks and when I checked in he was much worse as drugs hadn’t been the right ones. I know it’s not something to rush but just frustrating.
It’s been two weeks almost now as well. He did contact me last time saying the new drugs were definitely working but he was treading lightly. Plus one of his old uni friends died last week too so.. I don’t know (hadn’t kept in touch, he felt guilty I guess?)
Thanks for your perspectives.March 20, 2019 at 9:36 am #743453
He’s still not in a position to be in a relationship which is why he’s not putting himself out there. He knows how to reach you and ask to see you IF he wanted to and he’s doing none of this so that IS your answer.
Why are you waiting around for him? He friendzoned you and also treating you like a therapist when he wants to talk. He’s sees you as a crutch to lean on when HE needs it yet has given you nothing but false hope. You need to detach yourself from this situation and let him figure his stuff out on his own or he’s going to bring you down.
If you want a male’s perspective then you need to talk to men who are or have been in this situation. A depression forum or chat site would be a better alternative as this site doesn’t deal with this topic very often—may get a post like yours once a month if that.March 20, 2019 at 9:57 am #743455
I’d go with what your therapist said. Some day, when you are talking and he seems engaged and happy, throw out it out there. Your therapist can probably clue you in on timing and what to say to show openness, but not be pushy. I think you should take advantage of that resource vs asking around here.
There is a lot of shame around mental illness and it’s not the same as a guy getting busy at work and ending things, then coming back. He might just want a clue about your feelings on the situation. A lot of people won’t give someone with mental illness a second chance.March 20, 2019 at 10:25 am #743459
See, knowing him like I do, and his friends and family I know he’s not faking it. I mean the friend zone thing might be a possibility but to be honest based kn how our relationship was I just don’t see that. We were brutally honest with each other.
Re anon, yes that’s what I’m getting at. I don’t scoff at mental illness hence my need for advice. I know it’s on a person by person case but I don’t want to make assumptions. I’m running on the facts he’s told me, and while some may see that as naive, I’ve not seen anything to refute his truth. I’m simply wondering if pushing is a good idea. With all my knowledge about him you’d think I know, man I can give some amazing advice. But I can’t take it. This is the first time I’ve feared rejection and I don’t know what to do with that.March 20, 2019 at 10:51 am #743463
Well, there is a difference between pushing someone and letting someone know you are open to dating again when the time is right.
As for your fear of rejection, you have 4 outcomes:
1. you ask and he rejects you
2. He never asks so he rejects you
3. You ask and he says yes
4. You never ask and he is also afraid of rejection and thus never asks you
People here will say that all men are confident and will ask out a woman they love, but I imagine mental illness is a blow to man’s confidence. He’s not some strong alpha who knows he just needs to ask and he’ll get a yes. Or if she says no, there are 8 others lined up.
If the guy still likes you, I doubt letting him know that you will take him back will come off as clingy or desperate on your end, thus turning him off. But yeah, you do need to make sure you let him know that he may need a lot of time and or space, and that you will give him that space he needs, and calmly accept his decision.March 20, 2019 at 11:48 am #743470
I have to echo the other ladies, I don’t think you should be the one to initiate reconciliation.
He has shown he knows how to get in contact with you but, still has brought anything up.
It unfortunate that he is battling anxiety and depression but, have you thought about things long term?
What if you two get back together and this happens again? His reactions to me shows he needs work to manage relationships and his mental health.
I’d move forward because in a sense you are waiting around. If wanted to give you closure or more I think he would have started the conversation.