Possible to move out of the hookup zone?

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This topic contains 9 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Lane 8 months, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #769736 Reply


    I’ve been casually sleeping with a guy for a year. Usual Netflix and chill type scenario. We laugh a lot and get along well, but we just never really started out as “dating”, it started out as a hookup.

    In this time period I have dated a couple of other men, so sometimes I would tell this guy I’m busy or I couldn’t hang out.

    More lately, I realized I’d like something more with this guy though. But, I realize it’s hard to move out of hookup zone.

    Thing is he’s a bit of a charmer. Sometimes when we’re in bed he’ll say things like “don’t you just want to do this every day?” or “we should do this more often”. When I had to move places he would joke “just move in with me.” Last time in bed he casually said “you’re so sweet I love you” in the middle of talking.

    But… I take all of this stuff with a pinch of salt because actions speak louder than words…and then he won’t call for a week or two.

    He’s cute, funny, hard working etc and we have great conversations. But it’s hanging out at home. He hasn’t suggested dinner or any of that stuff.

    The situation was fine for the time and I haven’t been too emotionally invested. But I want something different now.

    Next time he hits me up to “hang” at home, what do you feel is the better way to go about it…

    #1 – tell him something along the lines of “No, I like you but I’ve decided I’m over the whole casual thing”
    #2 – take a more softly softly approach and suggest hanging out outside the house.. “Let’s just do a normal non-horizontal activity” or “I’m busy today but fancy getting a drink tomorrow?”
    #3 – just don’t reply, I’m wasting my time…

    #769739 Reply


    Tell him you want more than a Hook Up & see what he says…

    Chances are you’ll be moving forward without him-

    #769743 Reply


    I would tell him something like “sure, but I feel like having a drink at X bar (insert whatever you like), meet me at 7 there? ” And if he says yes, talk to him. Tell him what you told us and let him make his own decision. Be open and listen to his answer then make YOUR decision.
    If he doesn’t want to go out, you might just get your answer

    #769746 Reply


    I agree with Dyanne, suggest a meet up and discuss it there.

    If he’s not interested go your separate ways.

    #769768 Reply


    The only way you will know is to ask. Then you will have your answer.

    My friend was in a similar situation. Hooking up, no texts after hanging and never actually doing things out of the bedroom – she wanted more and he didn’t so she continued this hooking up & one day he met someone else and left this hook up situation and she was crushed.

    I think you need to nip this in the bud. Find out what he wants and if he isn’t keen on progressing? I’d get out now – because you’re getting the feels by the sounds of it and if he isn’t feeling the same way? You’ll get hurt. Dont play yourself.

    #769786 Reply


    try # 2. you never know. he might just agree to a proper date. if he doesn’t seem keen than that’s your cue to get out.

    #769788 Reply


    I’d try 2 also. It’s highly likely he likes things as they are, and you are absolutely right to decide it isn’t what you want anymore and have a go at something else with him or be prepared to Holt the hook ups.

    #769800 Reply


    I would just take the honest approach:
    “Hey, I have been dating, looking for something serious. The more time I spend with you, the more I’d like to see if we could build this into a relationship.”

    I think you need to be more upfront than “lets go get drinks”. I have some FWB types and we do stuff other than sex, just in a companionable way. The last thing you want to have happen is have him start taking you on dates, think it is a “girlfriend experience”, getting more attached emotionally, only to find out he just saw this as an extension of FWB.

    You do have to weigh that with him just walking away due to not wanting a relationship. But you owe it to yourself to be clear in your intent.

    #769801 Reply


    Agree with Anon’s approach! You do need to be very clear to him about what you want. No room for misinterpretations. Good luck.

    #769815 Reply


    Agree with anon, honesty is always the best approach! Just be honest because if you try to use hidden clues, he’s not going to know what’s in your mind or the hidden agenda behind them, and you’ll just be circling the drain going nowhere.

    Best to put it out there, when he’s in a good mood, using a soft approach such as “I really like spending time with you. I feel our friendship has deepened over the past year and would honestly like to know how you feel about me?” Don’t go straight in with any ‘relationship talk’ such as “would you be interested in a relationship?” Feel him out first. See if he’s open to discussing his feelings with you without him feeling like he’s in a pressure cooker where he may tense up, avoid the question, and/or including a disclaimer, such as “I like hanging out with you too BUT” if he thinks he knows where your questioning is leading or heading. All in all, if its not a HELL YES, its a HELL NO.

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