Polyamorous Guy: What did he mean when he told me I wasn’t enough?

I am a 24 y/o monogamous woman who was recently dating a poly man. I like him and care about him so much, but I broke things off a few weeks ago because he said something to me, and I am not sure if it was cruel or if I took it the wrong way.

We dated for about a month and a half, and I was extremely happy when I was with him. When he was not physically with me, I was anxious and depressed because he does not text often, and I was afraid (due to past heartbreaks) that he was ghosting me. When I saw him in person, he reassured me that he cared about me and did not want to stop seeing me, so most of the time I chalked it up to my anxiety and insecurities. However, from the beginning, my friends and family told me that the relationship was doomed since I have always been monogamous; they all told me I was going to get hurt. He has another partner, and while she didn’t want to be in contact with me, she knew I existed and from what he told me she was fine with it. I know, too, that she is non-monogamous.

So here I am dating this man I am so incredibly attracted to, who holds my hand everywhere we go, who I so look forward to seeing. And yet I am in constant conflict with myself about whether or not I can do this. I am only 24, but I want to date intentionally and find a life partner. I know that in the long run the chances of him being with me forever (or, rather, with JUST me) are slim. But I was really enjoying dating him, despite the fact that he wasn’t giving me what I expected from a romantic partner (texting or calling me at least semi-frequently, being with me often — I only saw him once or twice a week, etc.) I talked about this a lot with my therapist, who does not believe that polyamory is “a real thing.” She wanted me to go into this experience purely looking for sexual experience (I have never had sex) and if he chose to “leave his girlfriend for me” that would be “ideal.” I never expected him to leave her to be with just me; in fact, if he had, I would not have liked him as much.

I was living in a state of constant anxiety the entire time I was dating him because of the war going on in my mind. He was always very sweet and patient with me, but I felt and still feel bad for being so hot and cold. I was never unsure that I liked him and wanted to date him; I was just afraid of getting hurt when I someday realized that he could not be what (I think) I need. Finally my therapist told me I had to give him an ultimatum: her or me. I refused to do that, but I did tell him how I felt: that I was monogamous, and wasn’t sure what to do, that I really liked him and was falling for him and hoped we could work through it. He was gentle with me and told me that he was willing to make a compromise and call me during the week every now and then (since he hates texting) to ease my anxiety and to show me that he wanted to be with me. We had a long conversation about our goals and our needs, and I thought everything was going to be okay, and we went to dinner. I assumed his plan to spend the night with me was back on.

We had just ordered our food and he told me that he was going to go home and sleep in his own bed, that he thought we should take a break from intimacy since I was unsure of the situation and because of my medical issues that make sex complicated for me. He told me that he wanted to make sex special for me, but also that he was frustrated since we had not been able to have penetrative sex yet and since I did not give the pleasure responses he was used to receiving from women. I have vaginismus and lichen sclerosus, which means, respectively, that penetrative sex is painful and difficult for me, and that I do not experience sexual pleasure easily. I was upset to hear this, but he held my hand and reassured me that we would make it work. When we got back to my apartment we sat in his car and I told him that I was anxious about hearing this because I knew that during this time he would be sexually active with his other partner, and I was scared of not being enough for him. He told me while holding my hand and rubbing my back that he “would not have even pursued” this relationship if he did not also have her in his life, to fulfill his sexual needs. He told me that we could get there in time, but it really hurt to hear this. I have been so afraid of being “not enough” sexually for a man, of being “sexually broken,” and I felt as though he was confirming my greatest fears by telling me this, especially since he is the first man I have ever been really intimate with, who has ever touched me and looked at me in that way.

Somehow I managed to pull myself somewhat together and we went into my apartment to watch a movie, but we ended up talking instead, about my dating insecurities and my past dating experiences, and he asked me “what is the one thing I could do or say to make you decide not to continue with this relationship?” I said “I would need to know that there is no way at all that you would ever fall for me.” He said “I can’t promise that I will. I can’t do that until you can be more confident in yourself.” He went on to say that he felt he couldn’t trust me enough to fall for me because of how hot and cold I was. I didn’t know how to process this, and he left shortly thereafter. We left on good terms, with plans to see each other later that week.

After he left I realized that what he had said in the car did not sit well with me, and I texted him telling him so, and then went to bed. When I woke up he had said “I am sorry that’s the case,” and that he didn’t mean we could not have the level of satisfaction he had had with other partners. But by then I had made up my mind. I was so tired of the doubt and anxiety and this had been the final straw for me at that point. I broke up with him over text message, and broke my own heart in the process. He did not fight me; he told me he was sad but not surprised given how things had gone. Over the next few days and weeks I continued to text him sporadically, reasoning with him and myself. Finally he asked for peace, and we parted ways. I ended up texting him once more apologizing for my actions about a week later. He never responded.

Since I ended things, I have missed him terribly. I cannot stop thinking about the good times, about how wonderful he was to me. I cannot stop thinking about him telling me twice that last day that he did not know what would happen, but that he did not want to stop seeing me. I have been driving myself crazy with questions, and I do not know if I made a mistake in ending things. I have no friends who are poly, so I cannot get a perspective on the situation outside of that of the monogamous people I know, who all tell me that no matter how much pain I am in (and it is tremendous) I made the right decision.

Can I get some perspective on this? Is there any hope for me having him in my life again? Did I overreact? Did I make a mistake? I miss him so much, I have never been so attracted to anyone in my life, and I care about him more than I can say.