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This topic contains 35 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Better off single 2 months, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #765870 Reply

    Raven

    Better to be single
    -or-
    In a bad relationship

    Go!

    #765871 Reply

    A

    This isn’t a hard question….obviously, to be single. Who wants to be in a bad relationship?

    #765873 Reply

    Raven

    A, Keep reading on this Forum…
    You’ll see why I ask-

    #765889 Reply

    Karen

    Women who fall into this trap tend to want to fix broken men. They stay involved because they believe they can change the man. That he will be a better man because of her. And it doesn’t happen. Women have this unrealistic idea that love conquers all. And it doesn’t. Love is one leg on the chair. You need to have respect, similar values, similar goals, and the emotional quotient to give and take and know when there is an unhealthy dynamic.

    #765890 Reply

    Karen

    The majority of women who post on here are doing so because they already know they are in a bad situation. No one seeks out a forum like this if they are in a happy relationship. Some break free and do finally learn how to navigate relationships. They stay in to give advice. Others don’t. They know there is a problem but are seeking out some form of validation they are wrong. They argue back and cling to advice that justifies their warped sense of why they should stay in the relationship. They also usually end up back here posting multiple times because nothing gets better. They get the same advice and ignore it and the cycle repeats. A bad relationship for them is better than not having anyone.

    #765891 Reply

    Newbie

    Are you in a relationship raven and if so, how would you rate it?

    #765894 Reply

    Jo

    I think women stay in a bad relationship because they cling onto the good bits and rationalise the overall picture. I used to put up with all sorts of bad behaviour before I met my husband and found out what a good relationship feels like. I used to tell myself things like “no-one is perfect” and “all relationships have some issues” and “he can be lovely sometimes” (as everyone is occasionally). I had no idea what is acceptable and what is not. I knew it was unreasonable to leave if someone has an occasional bad mood or a good moan after a bad day at work. I knew physical violence was unacceptable. I had no idea where to draw the line in between.

    My childhood was not happy. It wasn’t dreadful but my mother was mildly to moderately emotionally abusive as her mother had been to her, and being treated with disrespect and indifference felt normal. I realise adults need to take responsibility for their own wellbeing, and I do that, but it takes time to develop a healthy mind-set. It’s a learning process, not a decision. When I see the posts along the lines of “should I put up with this”, although it is obvious from the outside that the answer is NO, and also obvious from the inside to healthy people, I empathise with those who really don’t know.

    So I disagree that women want to fix broken men. At least I disagree they all do. I certainly didn’t.

    #765895 Reply

    Jo

    I also disagree that “a bad relationship is better than having no-one”. I think they just don’t know that it could be so much better.

    #765898 Reply

    Lane

    Answer is yes. However sometimes things aren’t always black & white, especially if it was for a good long time, and then goes sour but at that point you’re fully invested—the house, kids, jobs, dog, and its much easier said than done to untangle, and essentially start completely over from scratch when you’ve invested so much of your life into it.

    There is no easy path in life. Even some of the best couples and marriages fall apart. I’ve seen it many times, and you begin to wonder if its even worth making that kind of investment, and best to just invest in yourself? I don’t know how my current relationship will pan out. Right now its good, he’s great, we’re doing great but so didn’t my husband and I for over 8 years….until it started falling a part.

    I guess the best answer is, stay when its good, and get out when it goes bad.

    #765899 Reply

    Karen

    Women tend to stay in broken relationships and work harder to make things work. Even when they have already reached a point of no return. Some men also do this, but I think for different reasons. If married, many times it’s financial.

    And yes, men can be really broken. So can women. The difference is that most men will walk away or cheat if the woman is broken. Women tend to try to fix and work on making the relationship work. You can see that evidenced on here. So many posts about women who clearly are in dead end relationships and insist they want to make things work..

    #765900 Reply

    Newbie

    I really like what jo wrote as i think there are keys in there that are more true than a cliché like women like to fix men. And love blind. Its far more complicated.
    Me and many others advocate selflove and selfesteem but the reality is that you dont change that easy if you lack the true believe, had poor role models and dont really know what a good relationship is.
    Many people place great meaning to hope. Hope things get better when they are not, tell each other that. I think if we all deleted the action of hope when it comes to dating and focus on what is, we might do a better job. But we hope things get better if they are not. Hope tomorrow he will be sweeter, and more caring etc.
    I developed a young adversion against the concept of family since i hated it. So i closed myself off. But if during that time i would have met a guy who had promised me the world and then it turned sour. I know for sure i would have stayed since i had zero good role models to compare it too. Thats also why i tend to get pissed when an op is getting mocked or insulted for believing in false hope or reposting and dislike superior comments like Karen just did. Women arent stupid but even in healthy upbringings you get trained to improve your nurturing skills with all the dolls you get. Its hard to apply those nurture skills if you havent learned to who to give it to

    #765902 Reply

    Karen

    It’s because women look at guys for their potential and not who they really are. If you date or marry potential, you usually lose.

    Omg newbie. So go ahead and bash me. I have been in bad relationships and speak from person experience. I was with a guy who never seemed to keep a gf and I thought in my mind I could change that because I was the right woman. So before you start spouting about how I’m being insulting know a few facts.

    I stayed because I loved him and saw potential. Which was a joke because he was who he was. I couldn’t bring out his potential any more than any other woman he disappointed.

    It’s a fact, that when women get in and stay in dysfunctional relationships they tend to take on the role of trying to make things work. They even blame themselves, like i did, and come to beleive if I was only a better gf to him we can make this work. And it doesn’t.

    I didn’t have role models. My family was totally dysfunctional and my parents divorced when I was two. They stayed together dysfunctional, and I witnessed it, until I was 17. So don’t lecture me about who you think I am. Not having role models doesn’t mean you can’t have a healthy relationship. As you mature you learn things. And if you don’t, that’s a whole other problem. Most people learn best from making mistakes and not just role modeling.

    I see women on here all the time get very sound advice and yet go ahead and do what they want anyway. And it blows up in their face. But they had to learn on their own not by someone like you or me giving advice.

    I didn’t play with dolls growing up. I actually preferred sports and outside activities. That doesn’t mean I can’t nurture or try to cultivate a relationship.

    So we agree to disagree.

    I have very sound advice based on personal experience and what I see on here. If you don’t like, don’t read it. I don’t like your advice either, actually.

    #765904 Reply

    Newbie

    I dont dislike your advice honestly but what i said about hope is pretty much similar to what you call potential. So i dont disagree with what you are saying but mostly adding that the traditional gender roles, bad role models, not being taught having selflove are the start ups and the fixing and staying is a result of that. And from what you are saying thats your experience too

    #765905 Reply

    Newbie

    Let me frame this differently. You sound like a confident woman and took my comment: i dislike superior comments like Karen just did as bashing and an insult to you. And youre a confident woman. And then imagine these not cofindent women, many with little selflove who ask for advice and get comments back like they did it all to themselves while off course thats true but they are still on their journey and for some it takes 16 years and others a lifetime.

    #765907 Reply

    Karen

    Yes, I earned my Medal of Honor by making really bad relationship decisions. And it took all that to gain the confidence. Most people don’t get born into being confident. Most women seeking ad ice on here end up doing what they wanted to begin with because like I said, the best educator is experience. Not everyone will take advice or learn from other people’s mistakes. That’s not a bad thing. It just is.

    I’m not superior. But I’ve done almost all the things I see OPs doing on here.

    The reality is this. And this is when you reach self actuality. You can’t control what anyone else does. You only control what you do. There is nothing wrong, in fact it’s healthy, to make sure you share in the blame of a bad relationship. It’s because you made a choice you need to learn from. Doesn’t make you bad and should totally make you stronger to know better the next time. To me confidence is built in what you live through and accomplish. You can stay stuck in a bad pattern and never get out of it. Or you can learn from your own mistakes, bad decisions, and seeing you aren’t the only one who has done this, which is why this forum helps women share experiences.

    No one can teach you confidence. Sure they can boost you up and say atta girl. Confidence comes when you emotionally mature to a level where you know you will be alright no matter if you made a good or bad decision.

    #765909 Reply

    Newbie

    I didnt read everything you said yet, but i will. I want to apologize first to you. I just realized i never was in a bad relationship because i was closed off. And that may explain my softer tone compare to others including youre that have and adapted a more tough love attitude. Now i will read what you said

    #765910 Reply

    Raven

    Newbie;
    I am in a relationship. I’m a newlywed…

    My relationship is very good-
    I’d give it 90/10
    90% of the time we are in sync.
    10% of the time he drives me mad!
    No relationship is perfect…

    I’ve made a lot of mistakes. I’ve learned from most of them.

    I left a man I loved 10 years ago because I was tired of being alone. I stayed too long, cos I was afraid to be alone.

    Leaving my marriage was the best thing I could have done!

    #765911 Reply

    L

    This is why I have a husband, a boyfriend and a LDR girlfriend. Never alone or bored.

    #765915 Reply

    Jo

    Maybe some women try to fix broken men. I don’t know. I do know I stayed in bad relationships and that wasn’t the reason. I never had the mentality of fixing anyone.

    The only advice I can remember being given as to whether a relationship could be classed as “good” was from my father and was “you should leave if the bad outweighs the good”. So I was only miserable 49% of the time I thought that was a good relationship! It seems ridiculous now but I really did believe that. So choices were stay in my “good” relationship which only makes me unhappy nearly half the time or spend my entire life alone because there’s nothing better out there.

    So I think the OP’s binary question is too simplistic. It makes a massive difference if you don’t know what the relationship goal is.

    #765986 Reply

    Joanne

    Nice thread, Raven.

    If a person chooses (“falls into”) having a bad relationship, I suspect it’s because the person has a bad relationship with themselves.

    But unfortunately “stumbling forward while broken, wanting to fix oneself and having misadventures while failing” is kinda the default state for a lot of people. Heck, that’s basically the summary of 90% of the threads ’round here. And I’m not saying that make fun of anyone. I guess I’m saying that they’re apparently very much not alone. Maybe this thread will help someone in that situation realized that. And maybe they’ll find the way to fix themselves.

    #765987 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    Of course it’s better to be single than in a bad relationship. There’s nothing wrong with being single, for starters.

    If you’re single, you ideally are mentally/emotionally ready for healthy relationship opportunities to come your way. So in theory, at any moment, you could be presented with the opportunity to meet someone wonderful, if you are open and ready to date. As long as you have a positive mentality.

    If you’re in a bad relationship, your energy is all tied up in that drama and you are not emotionally free to meet new people. You don’t have the same chance for a happy, healthy relationship because you have too much garbage to work though.

    So I honestly see being single as having more potential for long-term relationship happiness, than being in a bad relationship (as long as you are mentally healthy and OK with being single).

    #765992 Reply

    Khadija

    Better to be single.
    The ramifications of being in a bad relationship can haunt you for years to come.

    There’s so many broken people walking around from the result of past toxic relationships.

    You deserve to be loved and treated well.

    I hope anyone who is struggling about breaking up or has gotten out reads this.

    Over time you heal and eventually you find the right one.

    When you do, you’ll be happy you didn’t settle.

    #765993 Reply

    anon

    Single.

    A lot of what we try to write off as “broken” men or women is a one sided account of a couple with a lack of compatibility. My ex was “broken” in that he was a big drinker who likes to party. He is now in a solid relationship with a woman who likes to drink and party. They are a great couple as they are compatible whereas we were not.

    Broken people often flourish with the right person and being with the wrong person can break a perfectly fine person.

    #765994 Reply

    Anon

    There are so many facets to the original post. Children are one of them- they didn’t ask to be born into dysfunctional parents. Also, not one person has 100% of what you want and many people can get about 75% of what they want from a partner but leave the relationship over the missing 25%. Is it worth leaving over that missing 25%. That’s what you should ask yourself

    #765995 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    I would say that children are not a reason to stay in a relationship if the relationship is truly bad & dysfunctional. Effort should be made to repair/maintain the relationship to a certain extent, when kids are involved. But ultimately it’s more harmful to the children when parents stay in a truly dysfunctional relationship, rather than separating and ideally finding partners that are more suited to them (mom & dad).

    And yeah as Anon implies, there is a spectrum of good/bad. Not every relationship will meet all your needs. What should you put up with, vs. what you should end a relationship over. There are nuances to consider.

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