Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Please put some sense in my head!
- This topic has 32 replies and was last updated 4 years, 2 months ago by
Michelle.
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Michelle
My boyfriend went for a ten day vacation. It is a fairly a new relationship so I was wondering on how in contact he would be.
To my delight, he was very good in keeping in touch i.e. in the mornings and when he returns to wifi connection some time during the day.
He arrived yesterday and went straight to work. He texted me during the day to say he will only see me next week as he needs to go out of town for work purposes. While I m not fussed about the work part, I m quite pissed the way the text sounded (pretty dry) i.e. it came across ‘i m not missing you too much so I’ll see you when its convenient for me’. I replied ok.
I think he knows I m annoyed therefore he has been extra sweet in his texts since. Just to backtrack, I did mention to him last month that I get the feeling that our dates happen at his convenience mostly.
And that’s why I m fuming! I m keeping the contact minimum because I really don’t feel like being the usual lovey dovey. But then again I don’t like being passive aggressive. I m going to talk to him when I meet him next week.
Until then, can anyone help put some sense in my head so that I don’t blow up! Arghhhh…
Newbie
Ok so he went on a vacation and kept in touch – check
He came back to let you know he had to go out of town and see you next week – check but you feel his tone was off and now you are fuming. I mean this guy cant do it right here! Maybe he didnt miss you when he was on vacation but thats not a criminal offence, thats maybe a sign he is not that into you. But fuming about his tone of texts and talking about it (not sure about what honestly) wont make it any better. I can promise you that.Liz Lemon
Do you talk on the phone? Texting is a bad way to communicate precisely because its so impersonal. You can’t impart the same tone or level of warmth in a text that you can in a conversation.
How long have you been dating? You say the relationship is fairly new.
I agree with Newbie that confronting him about the tone of his texts is a bad idea. He probably has no idea what he did, and you’ll come off as overbearing. And if he’s losing interest or not that into you, it definitely won’t help matters.
alia
He went on a 10 day vacation and will now be out of town for business for a week. You are certainly not his priority here. I would keep texting back to a complete minimum. If he calls I would pick up and keep the conversation short unless he makes any real plans to see you.
Michelle
The relationship is abt 8 months old. But I definitely didn’t think about low interest here until I read all the replies. At least that’s not the impression I got from him so far.
I can understand the work travel part as I would do the same if I had the same situation. I am just annoyed at the tone of his text. I think he knows as well as he has been extra attentive since.
Michelle
Oh if anyone is wondering why we couldn’t meet before he left for work, I had a full day till 10pm with work and night classes on the day he arrived. Ok that’s the full picture.
peggy
So Michelle,you could not meet him because you are busyhad a full schedule.,but are mad cause he was busy with work?? I agree with some others that you can make assumptions and misunderstand texts,so you should have not got mad about his “tone”. Contacting you on his vacation was very positive to me and you now sound demanding and insecure IMO. My only question is why you did not go on the holiday with him. Was it a guy trip or planned before you met?
Michelle
Thus the header saying do put some sense in my head. It was a pre planned trip with his boss and colleagues. I definitely wouldn’t join him in that trip.
And that trip out of town didn’t happen as I find out. Honest question, am I expecting too much by wanting to come see me as soon as he comes back…
I have not been in a relationship in a long time and I kinda forgot how it works.
Liz Lemon
Wait a second. To clarify, are you saying he did NOT go on a work trip after all? So did he make that up, or did the trip get cancelled?
I’m a little confused. He got back to town Monday, and is not leaving town after all, but is not planning to see you until next week? Why not?
I would definitely be hurt if my boyfriend went away on a 10 day trip and was not eager to see me when I got back. So I understand where you’re coming from.
Michelle
Liz, he said he had to postpone the work trip as he had too much work here.
Yeah I m a little hurt and a lot pissed off. If I do tell him this, I feel like I m trying to change him as I have noticed everything takes a back seat (I mean everything) when it comes to his work. Before he left for vacation, he was out of town for work too. But he drove down to meet me just before he left for vacation.
So I m abit torn and ranting away here. I do know I can’t sustain this any longer and will eventually tell him, whichever way it goes.
Tallspicy
Are you also long distance?
Michelle
Nooooooo we live like 20 minutes away. Yes please hit me with a hammer…
Perhaps his trip is a good eye opener…
Jo
I would expect to be more of a priority after 8 months.
kaye
It definitely sounds to me like something is going on. No you’re not expecting too much to want him to come see you as soon as he gets back in town. Eight months into our relationship my husband was spending most evenings at my house on the weeks I didn’t have my children. And he was working ALOT. 70-80 hour weeks were the norm for him and he was out of town 3-4 nights a week. So whenever he got off work or came back into town the first thing he did was come see me and spend time with me. Even if it was just a few hours before we went to bed or maybe a late dinner and watching a movie. I understand being busy with work but he’s going to eat! Why is he pushing you off into next week when he’s been out of town 10 days already? It’s so convenient for a guy to use work as an excuse when he’s having doubts about the relationship. How often were you seeing each other before this trip? Are you sure it was actually a trip with his work colleagues and there were no women involved?
Michelle
Yes I m quite sure of the trip.He sent me pics and also we are on social media, together with his office mates. So no doubts there.
We meet once a week at least. So I m not being demanding or over expecting then…
Looks like I will need to talk to him uh because clearly I m unhappy since I m ranting here. Will talk to him when we meet I suppose.
Thank you everyone.
Liz Lemon
Sounds like you know what to do.
But yeah, I agree with what’s been said, after 8 months I would expect to be more of a priority. If he’s been gone 10 days and is now putting off seeing you for another week, that’s about 17 days, or almost 3 weeks with not seeing each other– for no reason whatsoever. There are no extenuating circumstances like kids, or parents/family members who are ill that he has to care for, etc. He’s just not motivated- and that sucks.“Work” is not a good excuse, as has already been said. If he lives 20 minutes away you could at least meet for dinner! Men who are busy with work still find ways to prioritize women they’re interested in.
So no, you are not expecting too much or being demanding. You deserve to be in a relationship with someone who wants to see you. That’s not asking too much.
Michelle
Thank you Liz and everyone else. Yes we all deserve to be prioritized, at least I want to be. So I can’t change who I am for someone else, 8 months or otherwise.
Thanks once again.
bookgirl
Ohhhh, keep us updated. I’d like to know what he says about all of this. Good luck!
LJ
You are being too needy. Some guys go on a vacation and minimally text (or not at all), and you know what we call that?
Normal.
You had a gentlemen actually keep in contact with you during his vacation. And then when he comes back, he’s too tired to see you.. because of classes and work. This guy is obviously trying to secure a good future for himself (and his future family), and you want to give him crap about the TONE of a TEXT MESSAGE?
That’s wild. If he suddenly seems withdrawn and disinterested, I’d bet that’s why. That’s a bad attitude to take.
Lighten up.
Michelle
LJ , did you actually read my entire thread. The day he arrived, I had a full day, the following day he said he is going out of town but postponed it. We live 20 mins away. And yet he has decided he ll see me only next week as he is busy with work as he puts it. I m trying to lighten up but whichever way I see it, this seems to be at his convenience only. I had this conversation with him on this once.
Bookgirl…. yes I will keep you updated.
Peggy
Ok,so we have more info now.The vacay was a working holiday-maybe in a nice place vbut still,working mainly.Then he needs to get caught up once he is home. He could be not as invested as you are, ( do you only meet once a week normally? That is a low amoint,if so) or he is lodsing interest.. What I mainly see thouigh,is a guy that whether he needs to or wants tgo,puts work first. In this case you,or maybe anyone he dates will never be his priority If that theory makes sense to you,I would consider breaking it off or at least ask him if he ever sees a time that he will give you more time, and then decide what you want to do after he answers that question.
Newbie
I also read the update. The problem is: you cant demand being more of a priority. The only thing you can do is walk away if you are not satisfied with this relationship and his time after you had a proper talk about it. I also see once a week after 8 months low effort to really be a couple. Thats the goal for you right?
Michelle
Peggy, it was his annual office vacation trip.
About being invested, it was him all along pushing our relationship forward. I only realised it couple of months down the road. Once he stepped up in pushing it forward, I then became willing to put in abit of effort. Maybe that could be a reason why my expectations changed.
Meeting once a week is all we both can muster now. I own and run a law firm. And recently signed up for Masters. We both divide our time between work, my classes, our respective families ie parents, friends etc.
You are right. If he could meet me half way, I am alright with that. Maybe I just want the person I m seeing be equally excited to meet right after landing in the country.
I have not been in a relationship in a long time. Perhaps it may have changed over that time. But I still want what I want.
Thanks for your thoughts.
Michelle
Newbie, once a week is all we could do with our current life schedule at the moment. And yes, I ll definitely walk if I m unhappy.
Newbie
Looking at your own schedule why dont you go in with this talk with a simple: how can we make this work. No fuming. Just simply asking how he views your relationship and future. I stil think he didnt commit any crimes but its worth looking into if you are both on the same page
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