This topic contains 8 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Mia 4 weeks, 1 day ago.
October 22, 2020 at 5:04 pm #820830
Alright so this is a long story so please bear with me, I need help.
So, I met this guy through a dating app. He lives in another city which is 2:30 hours away from my city.
At first, I didn’t take it so seriously because I never did with these apps but this time was different. I liked talking to him; we had so much in common and we flirted a lot. Days later we sexted, which was unexpected for both of us. He was sweet when I told him I didn’t have any experience with that and we spent all night talking after that about important stuff, he used to open up after those sexting sessions.
We continued talking through texts because we both don’t like phone calls, I know weird, but anyway, he told me about some traumatic experiences of his past, things I could relate. The next day he didn’t text me as he usually did, there’s where I started to feel anxious (I suffer from anxiety as well), I started to question myself and what could’ve done to make him feel better the past night, so I texted him and asked him if everything was ok because he was acting distant (don’t ask me how I know that through texts lol), he said yeah, he just has times when he’s down and pulls away from the people around him. I understood that and we continued chatting.
As the days went by, we talked a lot and we also had some sexting sessions but I was getting more and more anxious because he confused me with his mixed signals and also because I don’t see sex as something casual even this sexting thing, that’s just who I am, so even that was big for me. Anyway, some days he was caring and like I said we talked a lot, and he even told me he felt this connection with me, and other days he would be distant and cold, especially when he was busy with his son or his work (again, I understand all of that, we all have responsibilities, it was me who was getting anxious).
One Sunday we were already talking non-stop for 2 weeks, we started talking at midday and we went on for a few hours, then he didn’t reply back and that was fine because I knew he was with his kid and all, but then at 9pm, I was starting to feel anxious about other subjects and the fact he was online and wasn’t replying to my last message, also the night before we had a particularly intense sexting session so I was feeling vulnerable that day because remember when I said he used to open up after a sexting session? well not that time, instead he acted a little bit cold so I was worried about that.
I texted him instead and we did a bit of small talk, something didn’t feel right and I was having a full anxiety attack by then, I told him that and… he saw my message but he didn’t reply me back until 4 days later.
During that time we didn’t talk, he saw my stories on WhatsApp and he was online on the app we met, even though he told me those conversations we other girls have died. He came back 4 days later and told me he was sorry, that he was dealing with some personal issues as well. I was angry and hurt and let him know that but I gave him a second chance. So we resumed our pen pal situation but I was getting more and more anxious because most of the days he was replying to my messages 3, 4, 5 hours later, sometimes he would just ignore me and sometimes we were chatting again as nothing happened… I was anxious because I was afraid he would disappear again, so I was acting like a junkie waiting for his texts.
One day I asked him if we ever were going to meet, and he said: “yeah sure, someday” whereas before his disappearing he told me that he travelled a lot so it was quite possible. Another day I asked him what was he expecting of this thing we were having and he told me: “Look I run a business, I have a son and you have your work as well and we have a pandemic at large and we are many miles away…” I like talking to you and that’s what we’ve got right now, I’m no one to make plans”.
Another thing is that, even though I don’t like phone calls as well, I wanted to hear his voice as I couldn’t physically meet him, he always had excuses, he wouldn’t even send me voice messages even though I sent him some.
One night he was acting “jealous” because I was talking to another guy on the phone. That night he told me: “I want you to be mine, do you want me to be yours?” I wasn’t expecting that so we ended up having sexting again… I know I’m such a fool. I felt empty afterwards, especially because the next day he was acting distant again.
That same week I had a date with another guy and I got drunk because the date was terrible, so I sent him some voice messages while drunk. I was acting like a bitch but I guess I just wanted some reaction from him, I got nothing. You see sometimes when I’m drunk I get sad, we were having a consistent conversation that night so I opened up to him again and told him some of my issues… he didn’t reply back until 3am when my last message was at 9:30pm, he wasn’t expecting I was awake at that time.
Anyway, that same week I decided I had enough because I was losing myself and getting so anxious about the situation that I thought that I needed to take some time. So, after he sent me some useless text on Thursday, I didn’t reply back until Friday with the following text: “Hey, look I like you and I like talking to you but I don’t see this is going anywhere so I’m going to take some space before I get any more closer. Anyway, I hope you have a great weekend, xx” and… he saw my text and never answer me back, that was a week ago.
Now I know no response is a response but I’m still confused. The fact that he didn’t reply me back is because he’s angry at me? or because he’s relieved? or he just doesn’t care? I don’t know, I don’t want to fool myself.
I decided to go no contact for 3 weeks, I did it for me. The question is should I contact him after those 3 weeks are over? or should I let him go?October 22, 2020 at 5:18 pm #820833
I don’t think you should contact him. He is a penpal and not really anything else. I hope you can see that and move on.October 22, 2020 at 5:23 pm #820835
Please let him go. You’ve got far too attached to someone you haven’t met, haven’t even really spoken to and who is essentially a complete stranger.
It seems pretty obvious he was in it out of boredom and because he gets his rocks off whilst sexting. No shame on you for engaging in sexting if its what you wanted but once you cross that line outside of an established relationship things often do not go further- i call it the s*ut zone. Its competely unfair and a total double standard but men often put women in boxes and sexting so soon after connecting will get you dumped in that box.
The man told you clearly he isn’t looking for more than chatting, but you’ve ignored that.
You’ve also acted clingy and very needy. Drunk messaging and texting about very personal things indicate you have an issue with boundaries.
Don’t get too down about it – we’ve all been there acted a little crazy- i certainly have done things that make me cringe now but i learnt from them and moved on. You need to do the same.
Concentrate on you, work on your self esteem and boundaries. I’d also take a break from dating right now- texting and constant availability is absolutely one of the worst things to happen to dating. Women bond through texts and men don’t. Women get too attached to strangers and men get a free thrill and some fun that never has to progress.October 22, 2020 at 5:36 pm #820841
LET “HIM” GO.
You don’t even know if it’s a “him”. You’ve never even talked to him on the phone or video. I recommend binge watching at least one full season of Catfish and you will see what tricks are being played. All the signs are there. He could be married, he could be a woman…. you just don’t know.
Don’t invest your heart and mind in someone who isn’t even willing to show you who they are… literally SHOW you who they are. Like physically. This has catfish — or married, or BOTH — written all over it.
I’m sorry to be so blunt, but it’s not real to this person. They are using you for their own needs. Your question is should you contact him after 3 weeks… NO. Move on to someone REAL.
Also, find a support network to help you with this. You sound a bit lonely and (I’m really sorry to say this) desperate. If you had a healthy, happy life invested in honest relationships (friends, as well as romantically), someone like this would not invade your inner circle of trust. Sorry dear. You have to take care of yourself. Don’t only take 3 weeks, take a millennium and find your happiness elsewhere.October 22, 2020 at 5:39 pm #820842
Ss, you’ve given her some very compassionate advice. I hope she listens. :)October 22, 2020 at 6:05 pm #820846
Not the real lily Collins
Highly possible he is a catfish. Listen to me, he is not into you at all nor he wants anything more than a sexting penpal.
Do you want an online relationship? I assure it’s a no from what you described. So don’t contact him ever again.
Actions speaks louder than words. Unfortunately you’ve been played. He used you for sexts and you let him. To him you are nothing sadly. You deserve so much better.
You are not in the right mind set to date it appears. How old are you may I ask?
Trust me, in a few months, 4-5 months, you’ll realise you’ve been talking to a ghost. He’s a catfish. Could be some old dude who sits around doing nothing but sexts girls. Be careful he doesn’t save all your photos and distribute them. Not saying he will but there’s a risk.
Take care, last thing you need in this pandemic is for your anxiety to get worse!October 22, 2020 at 6:05 pm #820847
Not the real lily Collins
*assumeOctober 22, 2020 at 8:41 pm #820866
He’s 2 1/2 hours away from you… What type of outcome are you looking for with a guy who lives that far away?November 4, 2020 at 3:13 am #823176
Hi there, thank you so much to all of you for your answers. It’s certainly something that I needed no matter how hard it takes to accept the truth for what it is. It’s been a few weeks since I last contacted him with that last message and I haven’t contacted him ever again. Not the real lilly Collins, to answer to your question I’m 26 years old and I have little experience in regards to men, that definitely has played against me and thankfully I didn’t send any photos to him, it was just text.
Mama and Ss, truth always hurt but it is what I needed to finally realise I was wasting my time to someone who didn’t even ask why I needed to take some space from him. I definitely need to work on myself and I came to realise that yeah, I’m not in the right mindset to date and also, dating apps are not for me to be honest, so I’m taking a break from those as well. Anyway, I’m gonna keep working on myself and I realise that it’s better to be alone than being the wrong person.