Please help

This topic has 1 reply and was last updated 3 years, 5 months ago by T from NY.

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October 24, 2020 at 5:37 pm #821213 Reply

KKS

Hey guys.

So my fiancée I’ve been with for 8 months is great but only when he’s sober. He goes weeks even months without drinking but when he drinks he goes on benders. When he’s on these benders he’s completely a different person. He literally makes his, mine, my families and his families life’s hell. I’ve tried to get him to stop drinking permanently but he’s agreed to only drinking on occasions. It’s like he’s two different people. I wanted my life to always be calm but it sometimes is and then it’s the complete opposite. I don’t know what to do .. :(

October 24, 2020 at 7:33 pm #821245 Reply

T from NY

He’s an alcoholic. You can go years without drinking and still be an alcoholic. (It’s called a dry drunk) It’s means you are addicted to the substance. I would know. I was married to one for 20 years. He was dry for the first decade. Do NOT marry an addict if you want a peaceful life. My marriage was hell. I was the classic enabler and I wanted and I wanted and I hoped and I dreamed of a day we would be at peace.

That’s not real life.
When he’s on his benders – that is who he is right NOW.
Do you know how much work it would take for him to prove he was a safe partner for you? Year(s) at least. Go to a zoom al-anon group, or at least look up their materials. Do not go into this blindly. Of course I would recommend you not marry or be in a relationship with him at all. But if you insist – do your homework. Also get a counselor and explore your reasons for staying with someone actively acting out on their addiction.
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