Please help! He’s gone cold after some emotional texts


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  • #761064 Reply

    Lisa

    So I just started talking to this guy (31, I’m 28) about 2 and a half weeks ago. Since then we’ve been on two dates. The first was 9 hours long and absolutely wonderful. The second was just as good, but not as long. Emotionally we are (or seem to be) on the same page. He’s said to me that he could see himself falling for a girl like me. I’ve said the same to him. We just meshed so well so quickly that it was scary for both of us and we both acknowledged that. We were both texting pretty consistently everyday (it was never one sided). Tuesday evening past we had a misunderstanding over text and I, being pretty inexperienced with dating in general, tried to fix it right away. I sent a long emotional text, a video and then also left him a voice mail (I cringe just thinking about it now). Looking back I realize I should have left it be, but I can’t change the past now. I apologized for my reaction and he’s told me that he didn’t want to get into it like I did and since then he’s been distant. I left him alone and didn’t text for over a day. I don’t want to bring it up again, because it’s not something that could be really be discussed over text. Preferably in person (I don’t even know if there’d be a third date!) and I don’t want to call, especially after I left him that desperate sounding voice mail. Last night I asked how his day went and mentioned a that I heard a song that reminded me of him (a reference to our first date). I did get a reply but just single worded answers “tiring” and “that’s cool”. After that I made my reply short as well, wished him a good day at work and said goodnight. He then replied with a simple “Goodnight”.
    With circumstances as they are and even if he would go on another date with me, it couldn’t be until 2 weeks from now as I have vacation booked. Do I keep my distance and let him sort things out? Do I continue to say a ‘good morning’ ask how he’s doing and such? We had such an easy flow with texting and communication originally and now it’s like I’ve hit a brick wall. I’m completely at a loss! Please help!

    #761067 Reply

    anon

    Yeah… straighten your crown, delete his info and go on vacation.

    At this point, for this guy, you went and did too much. He’s not going to suddenly re-open back up with the daily good morning text. Just stop with it. If he really feels you in his heart, he will reach back out. But pinging doesn’t help. He knows you are into him.

    I’m an older woman who dates a lot of guys in his age group and they, above all, want light and easy. No drama. You created drama. Their definition of drama is probably different than ours. They work best if you keep boundaries- for example, if he says something that offends you, respond with “oh go F yourself” vs a 5 minute voice mail about how hurt you are. They blow off a date? “Fine, I’ll go on my date with George Clooney”, not a weepy 3 paragraph text on how they aren’t making you a priority.

    They take a minute to come round and don’t like being rushed or pressured. And you rushed and pressured. No big deal, you made a mistake and you’ll meet other men.

    #761068 Reply

    A

    *ATTENTION: Stage 5 Clinger Alert*

    Your first date was 9 hours?!?!? Umm WHY!! First dates should be a quick 30 min coffee date to see if you even like him enough to go on a second.

    You are obsessive, desperate and needy and he can smell that a mile away. He is NOT into you anymore, so back off as in don’t text him anymore. I’m honestly surprised he hasn’t blocked you. You went on 2 dates with him. How the hell are you this attached already???

    I would highly suggest not dating anyone for a while, and see a therapist as you have deep unresolved issues. I also suggest reading the books “Why Men Love Bitches” and “Attached”.

    #761070 Reply

    A

    You obviously are a very inexperienced dater and trust people’s words far sooner than you should. Some advice is to trust their actions instead. His actions are clearly showing you that he isn’t into you. If you chose to ignore them, that’s on you.

    #761071 Reply

    Lisa

    Hi “A”
    You are judging me from a small paragraph of text, you do not know all of the details. I was not the one to suggest such a long date to begin with. We originally met with the possibility of it going longer and he was the one to suggest it. I was not constantly “obsessive, needy, or desperate”. I had a moment of weakness, then realized exactly what I had done and apologized. Obviously coming from me to him it might not mean much, but I have never been like that before. I have barely texted him since then, so I’m am not surprised he hasn’t blocked me because he has no need to.
    The reason I posted on here was to see if there was a way to resolve it. I haven’t really attempted to speak with him except that one instance. So I haven’t really ignored his actions and sent him a pile of texts, I just sent out some feelers. It’s at this point it looks like I probably will leave him be. I never want to be a clinger and I’m ashamed of my moment of weakness. I guess I ruined it for myself.

    #761072 Reply

    Lisa

    Thank you Anon, I appreciate your input.

    #761075 Reply

    anon

    A, you don’t have to be nasty.
    Probably every one of us has been with a guy that did the “all in” from day 1- making us believe it was the fairy tale romance, only to drop us like a hot potato on our first mis-step. Guys do that. They go all in, then realize it would be work, and drop out as fast as they came in. It is pretty hard to *not react* but it’s a learned response and now she knows.

    If you don’t have experience dating and sorting thru mixed messages it can be REALLY hard to make sense of fall offs in communication. A lot of guys are almost overwhelming with communication early on and it can really trick you into thinking something is there. But guys operate like “SHINY OBJECT MUST HAVE MUST GET” then “OH GOT SHINY OBJECT, WHAT NEXT”.

    I don’t think you need counseling, just more experience.

    #761076 Reply

    Dangerouse

    First of all stop texting him NOW. his replies were very, very clear message that he has gone off you. Very clear.

    Its not entirely your fault. Fact is, after a couple of dates, either party or both who text a lot, having deep conversations via texts is immature and not wise.

    That’s the mistake you made. Texting him as if you are love struck puppies is juvenile.

    The way to date is to date, not text. People of your generation are so in to their phones, you just don’t get it.

    Any guy I date would not be dopey enough to assume I have nothing better going than to tap on my phone, if we had something to say, we say it.

    I can’t Express enough how texting is a problem. You yourself stated you were both kinda scared about what a connection you had. Assuming this was said via text. So you were way ahead of yourself texting all that crap after two dates. You need some patience.

    If you hadn’t been text back and forth the incident wouldn’t have happened.

    But the fact that he also was texting a lot means he’s not exactly all that smart also.

    In the future, be cool and patient. Have your conversations in person or phone.

    And leave him alone. The emotional video to a man who is not your boyfriend was a killer.

    #761081 Reply

    Lisa

    Dangerouse, you’re right texting is a problem. I had a feeling early in that it would be for us. Guess I should of listened to my gut!

    #761083 Reply

    Khadija

    Take this as a learning experience and don’t repeat the same mistakes.

    The first date was way too long. In the future cap a first date at 2 hours max. A stranger should not be getting the equivalent of a work day plus an hour of overtime from you.

    I beg of you to stop all that silly texting. I’m not sure why but this generation is glued to the phone texting, learn how to talk by picking up the phone. There was no reason to have a disagreement after two dates but, I’m sure something said over text was taken wrong.

    Then instead of just letting things be you went into begging mode. Apologize once and never grovel.

    Given his responses I’d say he’s over it and wants you to back off.

    Go on your vacation and don’t waste a moment thinking about him.

    #761084 Reply

    Lisa

    Thank you Stephen, I’ve always been that way, so you’ve definitely read me right! Thanks for the laugh too, I needed that!

    #761085 Reply

    Lala

    Lisa, May I ask about the details of the text that caused all of this? Maybe his reaction shows what kind of person he is? Sounds like you did overreact which you acknowledge but context would help determine if he is worth waiting it out for or to just move on.

    #761088 Reply

    Lisa

    Hi Lala, it’s kind of personal, I’ll try my best, it’s also the reason I didn’t mention it at first. I sent him a video of myself doing something he likes (nothing overly sexual, no nudity). I was nervous about doing it for him, but I wanted to anyway (could be considered a fetish, I’m open minded so I was cool with it). After I sent it he could tell I was nervous and he didn’t want me to push myself to do that for him if I felt uncomfortable (he never outright asked me to do it either, it was just talked about). I told him that it was okay, because I wouldn’t do something for him that made me feel uncomfortable, it was just new to me, so it he must have felt my awkwardness. He didn’t believe me when I said that… and I went on to try and convince him that I was okay with it. He didn’t sound convinced by my text so I sent the video of myself saying it so he could see I was sincere and then on to the voicemail… at that point it got deeper into the topic of being self conscious which I said I struggle with sometimes (I would think like any woman)… and the rest is history. I hope that’s clear enough to understand.

    #761091 Reply

    Tallspicy

    oh honey! NO NO NO NO NO.

    A. No 9 hour dates (but that can be excused)

    B. No texting any man who is not your boyfriend first unless they have initiated 3 or 4 times. When you are dating, it is not even. They need to be leading

    C. NO SENDING ANYTHING SEXUAL AT ALL TO A MAN WHO IS NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND. EVER. IN FACT, BEST TO NEVER SEND PHOTOS OF YOURSELF AT ALL TO A MAN WHO IS NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND. If he asked for something that is a fetish – IT IS SEXUAL. In fact, I generally either reject a man who asks for photos at all or I simply say – I am not a selfy girl – you will have to wait until I see you ;-).

    D. Never double contact. Ever. No multiple forms of contact.

    E. You should not be talking kinks this early. Seriously. Any man who is doing that is pushing and should be met with an “easy there tiger” to let him know it is too much. Cant blame him for trying, but can blame you for allowing it.

    F. When a man is pulling away – you let him, unless he is your boyfriend, and then you give him a lot lot lot of space.

    #761092 Reply

    Dangerouse

    Yikes, please stay off your phone.

    #761093 Reply

    Lisa

    Tallspicy, he never asked for anything from me, I did it myself, so that’s on me. The reason he told me about it fairly early is because he had relationships that fell apart in the past because of it. He’d build something up for a year, tell the woman, and they wouldn’t be okay with it. Year wasted. So I understood why he told me so early. I really can’t blame him for that. My mistake was playing into it I guess. I shouldn’t have promoted it.
    When it comes to initiating, he did that more than 3 or 4 times.
    Not sure what you mean by double contact.

    #761095 Reply

    anon

    So…. I’d say that all sounds very awkward. Never send any man or woman any unsolicited videos or pics that you would not share with your mom.

    It sounds like you guys talked about a fetish (that’s one thing), then you shared a video he didn’t ask for. It probably was a turn off for him, and then it just went downhill from there. It’s cool to be open about that kind of stuff, but you do run the risk of turning people off.

    Never ever never ever send a guy nudes and or anything “sexy”. Even if they ask. Guys lose respect for you when you do. It’s not necessary to “prove” you are sexy to any man. Men literally find anything sexy. They have really low standards in that department.

    I updated my online dating profile to entirely unsexy photos. If anything, I get more interest now. I get comments like “oh, sexy on a horse” and “oh, so sexy that pic of you hiking”.

    #761100 Reply

    Lisa

    I didn’t try to sex him into a relationship, it wasn’t like that. I had shared other stuff before, and so had he. It was equal give an take. I guess this is my learning curve. I guess at this point it doesn’t matter if I say. The subject of the video was my feet….. which he had seen in person already, and in pictures. So I don’t know how that would be the thing that turned him off. And I could have shared that video with my mom, she probably wonder what I was doing but it really wasn’t as explicit or way overly sexual. And it wasn’t to him either, as he’d seen the exact same thing in person!

    #761108 Reply

    Tallspicy

    Double contact – Email no response, call no response.

    One contact of any form, one response. But he was not even your boyfriend so the contact should come from him.

    Stop saying the foot stuff was not sexual. IT IS SEXUAL BECAUSE IT IS HIS FETISH. So, stop denying it was sexual. If anything is sexual for one of the parties and the other party uses it in any way to attract that person, it is sexual. Even if it looks mundane to someone else.

    He needs to earn your sexuality. Not that you cannot kiss and go through the bases, but anything like that needs investment and commitment on his end before you go further.

    You need to mirror until a man is your boyfriend. You should never be giving more than he is and anything unsolicited and instantiated is giving more.

    Onto the next, there are tons of men out there and while you sound timid, you do sound sweet.

    #761112 Reply

    anon

    How you should have handled the foot fetish:
    Guy: “So I’m into feet and other women have been weird in the past and dropped me because of it”
    you: “Well, I’m open minded about that idea, but that’s for down the road. I’d love to learn more about your favorite vacation spot”

    You need to derail guys when they start talking about sex early on, unless you know it’s just going to be casual. Guys like women who like sex, of course, but these aren’t the women they get into relationships with. Sure, no man wants a prude or a stuck up woman or one that recoils, but they also want one who doesn’t give it up for every dude that buys her dinner.

    I get that you were trying to be supportive and understanding and let him know you were cool, but you just kind of went overboard, somewhat unknowingly. He also handled it poorly…

    #761137 Reply

    Andrea

    He’s probably wondering if you’re already like this in the very beginning, how much more intense you’d be if you two were in a relationship.

    #761138 Reply

    Lisa

    Thanks for all the input everyone. This is the first time I’ve ever posted a question like this. Not sure if I’ll do it again. Some people are not so nice, but I knew that before posting.

    #761139 Reply

    Lisa

    Thanks for all the input everyone. This is the first time I’ve ever posted a question like this asking for help. Not sure if I’ll do it again. Some people are not so nice, but I knew that might happen before posting.

    #763798 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    I agree with most of the advice here. It was too much, too soon. Take this as a learning experience and move on.

    You should stop contacting him because you’ll only look foolish, and you will not provoke him to reply or be warm & communicative like he was previously. Unfortunately something is broken and you can’t go back. But that “something” was a fantasy, you two didn’t have a strong foundation because you got too serious too soon. There’s no way after 2 dates/2 weeks that you should be talking sexual fetishes, or falling for each other, or deep emotions. You should get to know a guy gradually and not rush it. Otherwise you create a false sense of intimacy.

    A 9-hour first date is a no-no. I like Khadija’s comment that no first date should be the equivalent of a workday, so true! The 1st date is a screener to see if you have a connection with the person.

    You seem inexperienced so I don’t blame you, like I said, just learn for next time. Generally it’s better to leave the guy wanting more of your company. End your interactions on a high note, rather than running things into the ground when they are going well. If you have a great first date, and things are going really well, after a couple of hours you should end it and make sure the guy is itching to see you again. It’s tempting when you have a connection to run away with it but in most cases, a connection that starts out hot and fast, burns out quickly.

    I also agree with what’s been said, that discussing the foot fetish this early on was a big mistake. As was sending him a foot-related video that he didn’t ask for. Again, taking things too fast, too soon. And sending emotional videos and messages pleading with him, was too much. But all of this has already been explained and expressed well by others.

    I don’t think this is fixable honestly. I would leave this guy totally alone. Just chalk it up to experience and move on. If, by some small chance, you totally back off and he reaches out, you should take things very slowly and carefully (basically the opposite of what you’ve been doing). It sounds like this guy has issues as well, as has been suggested by other posters, so don’t blame yourself or feel bad about this. What happened, happened. The fact that he was pushing for the heavy emotional stuff and talking about his fetish was something that led you on, and you got caught up. So he is equally responsible for things collapsing.

    #765510 Reply

    Newbie

    I think you got most good advice already so i only like to add two things. Many guys will test your boundaries early on, conscious or subconsciously, to see if you cross them. Also i feel this guy was leading with sexual stuff early on (and you may have not liked the foot fetish at all later on) and seeing you only had two dates there is a chance he is showing it in the guys locker room. I know that might make you feel uncomfortable but you really have to be that cautious. I like anons suggestions in how not to participate in sex talk early on. I would certainly not contact this guy first and even if he shows up to arrange date number 3, i would consider the talking about the foot festish (and the boohoo my exes couldnt handle it) as a red flag

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