Please advise

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This topic contains 23 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Amanda 10 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #659573 Reply


    Hi, I’m sorry I post here often, I just learn a lot with this relationship, and even if this doesn’t work, I can use my knowledge and experience to help maybe with another one in the future. I need to over my last dispute with my BF, I need to see where I did wrong or if there was no other way to handle it.

    I was on my abroad business trip, the meeting was very tough and it made us really sweat. However, we were successful and my boss decided we didn’t need to stay overnight, and we would drive back at night. The journey was 9 hours by car, so for me it was a very long, very demanding two day trip.
    The first meeting the first day included one easy meeting with our easy, long term customer and some 21 year old rum and we had pleasant evening. My BF knew about it. The other day was the tough meeting.

    I wrote to my BF everything went well and I would be coming that night. He was happy and asked about the “rum” meeting. We were texting nearly all day, when I asked him if he would wait for me till night he said yes. I told him he didn’t even knew when I was coming and I messaged him my position.

    He said oh it seems like another five hours (he wrote this 10pm). It wouldn’t be five hours…

    Me :
    23:13 are you still not sleeping?
    23:16 :/
    23:22 I’m home in little white.
    23:25 (sent my location)
    0:10 you are asleep (crying smiley)
    Him :
    0:13 picture of cross eyed scrambled eggs =
    0:15 crying smiley you are asleep (not read till 2:00)
    0:22 I’m at home in five minutes :)
    0:36 I’m at home :)
    0:38 it’s interesting that how long your web portal(his pt job) is involved you can be awake till morning (he usually stays till 1-3 am when working), but if it’s me you don’t care, it does hurt, well at least I see
    0:39 I was looking forward to seeing you and be with you, but I see I didn’t need to.
    0:39 unfortunately I’m not a laptop

    Him :
    1:59 I just woke up
    2:00 I was sleeping on sofa in my daughter’s room with the dog
    (I mean you don’t go to sleep when you are waiting for someone? Besides when you write one message, the other one comes, you do hear it, no?)
    2:01 like the last 14 days (not true, some days he was awake with laptop till 2am)
    2:01 we sleep like this these days (sleep? I thought he would be waiting for me?)
    2:06 if you are sleeping I’m glad you are safe home, sweet dreams and good night
    2:06 kiss emoticon
    (I’m just adding today I was going to work from afternoon as we arrived late so I thought we would spend morning together)
    5:45 you see I thought you would wait for me as you wrote but you went to sleep (he is night owl) if I were a laptop you would be up all night, you promised you would wait for me and you went sleep, I don’t know what to add, there is no point.

    He read it at 8 am when I went out, so I went to his home, asked if I could go inside for a second, he tried to kiss me, I let him just on my cheek, I was upset, he told me he already apologized I said when, you didn’t, he opened the door for me to go, I said close it as I would like to talk to you, he closed the door, I said if I were your job you would stay happy till morning awake, if it’s just me you don’t care, at least I see where I stand, he said you were right, that’s pointless and opened the door again, I said yes, it is really pointless and went away.

    I mean I feel really hurt, I bought chocolates for him and his daughter, we have to go to two trips this weekend, there is nothing more sad to come home and nobody would wait for me (he lives just in another flat downstairs), I really feel sad and very very hurt, but maybe I’m missing something, by the last sent location he read he could see I would be home in no time… He is a night owl and is used to stay up very late. But obviously not for me. I wanted to cuddle up and got this.

    #659582 Reply


    You made a big deal out of this. You should have just let it go and said nothing. Keep up the drama and he will leave you.

    #659587 Reply


    Thank you Joe, I just would like to know how to communicate this in the future. It really hurt me very much I was promised he would wait for me, instead he went to sleep even he could see I am coming soon, and on his “working” evenings and nights he can stay up usually til 3am (he is jobless last three weeks)doing this pt job (during daytime now). There is maybe no such feeling then coming home from big trip and nobody would wait for you. How to communicate this so he would understand. Right now I feel verydead and cold inside, but I believe this feeling would fade and I would like to discuss this with him.

    #659588 Reply


    You are overly dramatic! You are being selfish IMO, its all about what YOU WANTED and that if he doesn’t cow tow to your every whim you give him grief…he was probably avoiding you intentionally if this is how you react when he doesn’t JUMP when you snap your fingers.

    A normal person would leave their BF alone and go get some much needed sleep after such a long trip. You were moody and took it out on him is how I see it. He’s going to be an ex if you keep acting this way IMO.

    #659589 Reply


    Wow. You are ridiculous. You were only away a few days. He kept in touch. And you expect hi to stay up all night waiting for you to get home? I would have slammed the door in your face! Sorry that’s harsh but if a guy ever did this to me he would be history. Just because he stays up late working doesn’t mean he has to stay up late sitting around for you to get home. He isn’t your mother. And then when he does come to the door you give him attitude and cold shoulder? Are you 10 years old?

    Your behavior is childish. And it won’t suit you in the long run. If I were him I would seriously think about finding a more mature mate. He already has a child. He doesn’t need two. You could have gotten home. Went to your own flat. Sent a message saying your arrived safely and would see him when you both woke up later that day. Terrible. Just reading that text exchange made me want to slap you.

    #659591 Reply


    And yes, I have come home from trips many many times, when I was single to just myself. That’s what big girls deal with. You are an adult, aren’t you? I would not bring this up with him. You sound pathetic like a school child who needs her mommy after returning from school. Grow up. Because if you tell him how much this bothers you I agree with Lane. You will find yourself always coming home to nothing.

    #659595 Reply


    Yes, I know, too much drama, but on my behalf I have to say our yesterday meeting during our trip was about terminating or not terminating our whole company, we were sweating our a*ses off, people were getting very angry and leaving and then coming back, and the meeting took over 5 hours. the only thing I really wanted was to cuddle up to my BF once I would be back. I was exhausted. I wanted to cuddle.

    #659596 Reply


    What you just wrote in your last post is exactly what you should have told your bf instead of the passive aggressive communication. No need for the drama- men hate it.

    #659597 Reply


    Oh please! Grow up. He has to stay up all night to cuddle you because you had a bad day? Get a teddy bear or puppy. I’m sure you could have let him rest and get support in the morning from him. Drama queen at its worst.

    #659603 Reply


    Jane – you’re killing me! 😂

    Simi – you were really really over the top on this and might end up eating those chocolates yourself. I wouldn’t expect those weekend plans to still be on, if I were you.

    You’ve essentially ended this relationship. Take a long look at how immature you acted over this. Hopefully you’ll learn something.

    #659608 Reply


    Yes, I can see the point, however I take it also from my side of view that if I knew my BF would have a hard day I would do my best to help him or to be with him as I did before. I can see that if, as written here, I have essentially ended the relationship or anything like that, I can see if for such trivial thing this would have ended then it would not withstand more serious matters or we are not simply compatible and I would really have to eat those chocolate by myself ;)

    #659613 Reply


    You STILL don’t get it! Your expectations of him waiting up to cuddle you were ridiculous. He was tired that night and went to sleep, but you get ticked off and confront him about it. I don’t see you as compatible with any man on earth because you are very immature.

    #659622 Reply


    You are completely unreasonable and totally selfish.

    This is not how a healthy mature relationship works.

    He has to stay up and wait for you?? A reasonable human being would have said “it’s been a long couple of days, it’s late and we both need our sleep. We can see each other when we’re both rested and fresh in a day or two.”

    If you were still single you would have had to soothe yourself, why does he have to be at your beck and call?! You don’t even seem to understand why you were thoughtless, pushy, and demanding.

    Not to be mean but these are all signs of serious immaturity.
    You had a life and coping mechanisms before this guy, you should still have those.

    A relationship is about having a partnership and while two people need to consider and care for one another, respect and appreciation are needed to.

    You couldn’t give him a break and wait a day or two to see him?

    You say you want to learn. So were telling you that you are out of line and over the top. Learn and listen, and be a better partner…or don’t and be single.

    If you sent me that rambling accusatory set of texts I would have told you to go home and never even answered my door.

    You need grow up and realize the earth doesn’t revolve on your axis-or you will be very single, or will struggle to find and keep a good guy. Because only a guy with issues would put up with this.

    #659631 Reply


    Oh Simi, i followed your posts and your behaviour towards your bf is so critical that it suprises me he puts up with it honestly. Every week there is something yiu are hurt about (him not telling you he loves you face to face, him not posting on fb, his job hours). Now youre even complaining that he stays up for work and Doesnt wait for you.
    There is no way of pleasing you and i really worry you are destroying your relationship by finding a petty peeve every week. I start to feel sorry for the guy. I really hope you can start to focus on the important issues and let these things go by. My guy loves me dearly, if i go out overnight and he tries to stay awake until im back but falls asleep in stead, i will kiss him when i see him. It wouldnt even cross my mind to complain about it.

    #659650 Reply


    I think everyone has pretty much agreed you were a drama queen, demanding, selfish and ridiculous about this so I’m not going to harp on that. You’ve been beaten up on that enough already. But I want you to think about something. You had a really tough trip and ended up driving back that night when you weren’t expected in. You asked him to wait up for you and he said yes even though he didn’t know your position. When you sent it to him at 10 he thought you were another 5 hours out. Why didn’t you clarify at that point you would be home in just a couple hours?

    Also you realize a phone can actually be used to call someone right? I mean he sent you a picture only 20 minutes before you arrived home. Why didn’t you call him at that point and say hey baby it’s late and I know we’re both tired so I’m just going to come crawl in bed with you when I get home. I just want to cuddle next to you because it’s been such a hard day. I know my husband hears a phone ring when he’s asleep but doesn’t hear his text messages. Instead you continue to text someone you obviously know has fallen asleep and take out your bad day on him. That’s not fair.

    And for you to compare him staying awake to see you versus staying awake to do a job that you are getting PAID to do is totally absurd!! You accuse him of not caring for you simply because he fell asleep at midnight. You were only gone for 2 days. It’s not like you were gone for 2 weeks and he wasn’t excited to see you. This is one of those situations where you had a stressful long day. You over-reacted and got your feelings hurt over something stupid. At this point you need to apologize for your behavior, explain you just had a stressful day and that your feelings got hurt and you realize you were acting ridiculous. Thank him for putting up with your moody behavior and then do something nice like cooking his favorite meal and having him over.

    #659692 Reply


    Simi-sorry, but this is totally on you-you acted immature, selfish. insecure, needy and very bi*chy-yikes. I would call him and apologize to HIM,but it may be too late. You need to seriously examine your behavior.

    #659695 Reply


    Maybe a bit of making fun of yourself can help you here

    #659900 Reply


    Dear ladies (and Joe :)

    Again I thank you for your input and views, I definitely needed that. When I read the forum + daily emails, I learn a lot and I can clearly see mistakes I did in my past relationships. I am learning a lot. Even I come from my topics as a selfish immature person I am happy to receive your views as I really learn and want to learn as this guy is very special to me and I would like to spend the rest of my life with him and I need to learn to behave so he would like to spend the time with me too.

    I am afraid that once it would be too much for him, from yesterday I feel very down and depressed for my behaviour. I went there yesterday and brought those chocolates with me, he was just assembling his new furniture, I came there to help a little, then I had to go and I was asked if I could help in the evening with those big parts.

    He is a great guy, he then hugged me and told me he still likes me the same and always will. I am afraid once it would be too much on him and I need to control my attitude, my temper and my behaviour. I really wish to be the best for him.

    #659918 Reply


    My boyfriend is a night owl too and is usually up until 3am sometimes later. I would never expect to show up at 2am and have him waiting there for me. That’s ridiculous. If he fell asleep at 2am I would understand. It’s late. I would most likely fall asleep too. Everyone has bad days and sometimes very bad days. You were gone for 2 days and he text you the whole time. You could have been mature about this and just saw him the next day instead of being a baby about it. You could have told him how stressful your meetings were the next morning and I am sure he would have listened. It seems that you need to learn to deal with your own issues and stop expecting your BF to rescue you over little things. All men HATE needy women and you acted 100% needy. They also HATE when you say things like, “If I was a laptop you would be up all night and now I know where I stand.” That makes them say to hell with this. I don’t need this drama. They will move on and find a woman that will not nag them about something so small. What you should have text him was, “I guess you fell asleep. I understand it is pretty late. I’ll talk to you in the morning. Goodnight babe. Hope you sleep well.” This is what I would have sent my BF and when he woke I would have received a sweet message back and an invite to come over. Men like women that enhance their lives and have enough value and confidence in themselves that when they have a bad day they can deal with their own crap. There is nothing less attractive than a needy, no confidence, drama queen.

    #659921 Reply


    Simi, if you had better self esteem and regard for yourself, you wouldn’t be seeking so much validation from your BF, or anyone else for that matter. You’re looking for love from the outside, when you need to have love for yourself on the inside. You are driving this man away. Stop. Get a grip on yourself. In addition to posting here, start looking for this to read and online groups to join that will help you work on YOU. Very best wishes.

    #659925 Reply


    pretty much what everybody said

    as to the communication:
    You need to learn how to communicate better with him

    if you wanted to cuddle up with him because of the stressful meeting, that is exactly what you should have told him. Like ooh sweetie, you cant imagine how awful the meeting was, I just want to cuddle a bit and forget it :) if you are still awake in 20 mins, give me a call, if not, see you tomorrow, kisses

    maybe he is already so used to your drama, that he is just basically ignoring it :)

    but as others pointed out, he can be an ex, if you dont tone down your attitude
    and accusations

    #659944 Reply


    Simi, you have to learn empathy. Even if the man spends 6 nights a week staying up late, he may fall asleep on the 7th night.

    You feeling all this neediness towards him isn’t good for you or him. What’s more important, him getting some good sleep or you having to go home alone? I’d say his sleep is way more important for health, success and happiness.

    Do you genuinely care about this man, or do you only care about how he can satisfy your needs?

    #659945 Reply


    Also be honest with yourself! I’ve been in a relationship before when I realised I only cared about how he made me feel when things were good. Not actually about him.

    When you are partners, you want each other to sleep, eat well, thrive at work, be happy and healthy. If him being there for you is more important than his well being, it isn’t love

    #659949 Reply


    Well he sounds like a great guy to say that after you were so crazy over nothing. But it seems you are starting to understand. Everyone here had been hard on you, and I agree with the assessment, but you obviously have great qualities if he is staying with you in spite of your neediness. We all have things to work on. You learned that you need to work on your confidence, neediness, resilience, and patience. It is great you are reading this website and trying to improve yourself for your man. Keep it up.

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