This topic contains 13 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Emma 2 weeks, 1 day ago.
February 2, 2019 at 5:06 am #738406
I’ve reconnected with my ex after a year NC. We were friends before lovers, both said we miss that. Neither of us has suggested getting back together. His only comment has been that he wants to not rush into anything with anyone in the future. We have not done anything more than cuddle up during a movie but contact/see each other at least once a week. He’s initiated most the contact.
Yesterday he was showing me some pictures, whilst doing so I noticed in the thumbnails (hard not to haha) some naughty photos and a headshot of a women. He must have realised as he started saying about his boys sending him rubbish and he showed me a few silly pictures this time taking the thumbnails off. Then he went on to joke it’s been a while since got laid and it looked unlikely for a while he was struggling. I just laughed with him.
It’s made me feel a bit weird though. In someways I get it, he’s single, he likes woman. I acknowledge I have feelings but he hurt me last time and that still makes me cautious.February 2, 2019 at 5:42 am #738408
‘We were friends before lovers, both said we miss that. Neither of us has suggested getting back together. His only comment has been that he wants to not rush into anything with anyone in the future.’
What is your questionFebruary 2, 2019 at 5:43 am #738409
This is not the way to get your ex back. In fact, this is the way to ensure you do not get your ex back. The awkward joke about him not getting laid was his attempt to start a casual sex relationship with you.February 2, 2019 at 9:56 am #738412
T from NY
In an attempt to be kind to you — please forgive me if my tone sounds harsh. But what the heck are you wanting here? That is the first and foremost you need to figure out!
Because let me tell you what “friends” don’t do. Male and female friends, who aren’t seeing other people, who have a past bf and gf history don’t normally hang out once a week and cuddle up during movies. He’s trying to fast track you into an FWB situation. If you let him — that’s YOU hurting you, not the other way around because he’s already said he “doesn’t want to rush into anything”.
IF on the off chance he is hanging out with you to determine if he wants to re-boot your relationship— it would be normal because he’s a man to also be interested in having sex with you. BUT he should be saying what he’s doing and being respectful of you.
I believe the best plan of action is NOT a text conversation. First. Deep reflection on your part. If he were to admit he doesn’t know if he wants a relationship again (it’s been long enough he dam sure should know) or he says some other bull like — let’s just see how things go, flow etc — are you willing to put up with that and keep hanging out and cuddling?
Then. Next time he ask to “hang out” — suggest grabbing dinner. Then, enjoy a nice meal, act composed and happy and then very calmly let him know you have enjoyed his company so much. That’s it’s been so good to see him. But you’re wondering what’s in his head about you and him. Then be quiet and LISTEN. Usually men will tell you all you need to know if they feel safe enough and you aren’t overly emotional. If he says anything less than I want us to try again. I want us to figure out what we did wrong because I miss you in my life etc etc. then know he is only interested in sex and companionship, equallying FWB.
I wouldn’t waste any more of your precious time on a man who isn’t giving you what you want or desire. This isn’t a budding new relationship where you wait, watch and observe. This is an ex. You need to know what his intentions are. Or you will allow yourself to be hurt again.February 2, 2019 at 10:01 am #738413
T from NY
Also. Before asking what he says in his head. I think it would be important to let him know what it is you’ve figured out what YOU want — and then listen to him. If you say — I’m hanging out with you because I’m hoping we can build something and begin eventually dating again. But I wanted to let you know — I’m not willing to have sex with you outside of a committed relationship. What are your thoughts? etc or something like this. Take the opportunity he might see for sex off the table unless he’s your boyfriend, and trust me — his true intentions should come to light. Either in that convo or his future actions of not contacting you anymore. Good luck.February 2, 2019 at 12:48 pm #738427
T from NY, you speak wise words. Not harsh.
He did ask me if I wanted to catch a movie next week. Without contacting him, He text me today and thanked me for dinner saying he had a really nice time with me. He’s a really busy guy with work and being a FT dad, so I know his true spare time is with me.
I think the problem might be me. I’m still cautious and might be looking for problems. He’s told me he thinks we connect, he’s happy around me and he missed me when we were apart. He also said he thinks part of the reason we failed before is because we rushed and everyone around us got involved. He’s made it pretty clear he’s not looking at anyone else and everything I’ve pointed out as a problem he’s tried addressing.
Maybe I just need to chill out.February 2, 2019 at 4:45 pm #738439
T from NY
Hmmm. I’m sorry but — what’s he so scared of that everyone else made commitments while around him? Sounds like they were all stepping up. I am by no means advising you to rush into anything. But most men who feel “rushed” are simply men not completely all in. I would still say (in person) — Listen I am having a wonderful time having you in my life again. But if you don’t see this working towards an exclusive, committed relationship, I won’t be getting physical until it is.
Truly. Busy dads are some of the worst offenders of keeping women around for sex and companionship. He could just be lonely and feels you’ll soon sleep together. ACTIONS and WORDS have to match up consistently to show that a man actually wants to have a relationship with you. And he’s been with you before! There should be almost no question if this much time has passed. He either wants to be with you (or open to a relationship) or he doesn’tFebruary 2, 2019 at 5:54 pm #738441
“He’s made it pretty clear he’s not looking at anyone”
Did you believe his friends sent him random pictures of women?
Why would his friends do that? Google exists. Nobody needs their friends to find nudies for them.
Looks like you need a life preserver
DenialFebruary 2, 2019 at 7:13 pm #738447
I’m not even kidding, but I, personally, would be real cool until he comes up with a multi thousand dollar ring. And I mean it.
He knows you. You know him. Either show you in a tangible way, ring, or shut up. It’s not about hanging out, it’s about do you love him for marriage? If not, don’t waste his time. If yes, then get a knockout diamond and a new American express card.February 3, 2019 at 1:30 pm #738485
What do you expect? He was single for a year and he’s not a monk! If seeing pictures of other women on his phone bothers you then you’re not ready to be “just friends.” For a couple who dated to be just friends it means you would be happy for him if he found someone he was happily dating and he would be happy if you did the same. You are nowhere close! He hasn’t said he wants to get back together, hasn’t said even he wants to do a trial run to see if getting back together is a good idea. IAnd just how clearly did he tell you he wasn’t looking for anyone else? Unless he said I want us to be exclusive and not see others until we figure out if things can work between us he’s made you no promises.
And I agree with the others, as someone who got back with an ex and is now happily married to him you are going about getting him back totally wrong!!February 4, 2019 at 2:20 pm #738586
Kaye, how am I going wrong? I’ve not pressurised him or asked him for anything. I’ve let him come to me, i’ve Not chased him at all. He made the mistake between us before, he’s acknowledged that and other than when we initially discussed it, I’ve not brought it up. I’ve not had sex with him. I didn’t mention the photos to him. I’m the one who walked away from him with NC. He did actually date within that year and I’ve no problem with that as so did I. In truth those photos don’t overly bother me, I think my reaction in my head bothered me.
Truth is, I’m still not sure of my true feelings. I can’t decide if I want him or just want the idea of him. So there’s no denial here. There’s no jumping through hoops for him going on. I’m not begging him to get back with me. I agree that probably the thing I should do is stop him coming over and just go have dinner. At the moment it’s all a bit intense and overwhelming. I agree we can’t just be friends. But I want to wait a while to suss this out. I’m in no rush.
Whilst I’m talking about things on here, I can assure you I’m very cautious in front of him and am in check.February 4, 2019 at 2:24 pm #738587
Before everyone jumps on the ‘he says he doesn’t want a relationship so there’s nothing to work out’ save yourself, as I mean work out my feelings. I need to figure out how I feel rather than act and regret.February 4, 2019 at 2:56 pm #738590
Lillian, you know the two of you better than any of us, people here are quick to rush to their judgements and some of the opinions are really useful, others less so. As an example, lots of people here have said more than once that my FWB is probably married – he’s not, I know that for sure. But thanks guys ;-)
Working out your own thoughts sounds like a really sensible option. If you have feelings for him, you can’t be friends; so it’s either get back together or go back to no contact until your feelings cool.February 4, 2019 at 5:38 pm #738601
“I need to figure out how I feel rather than act and regret. ” – did anyone object to that? This is the best way, to wait and do nothing, assess, observer, and then decide what to do. Instead of jumping the gun and saying things via texts that you cannot undo.
How did he hurt you last time? was it cheating? then it is not wonder that these pics give you such a reaction..