Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Past abuse affecting current relationship! Help me.
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Anon 2.
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N
Wasn’t sure where to post this.
My boyfriend doesn’t understand the effect that abuse have on a person’s life. Due to my experience i am now very sensitve to criticism. I always feel like im being belittle even when the criticism might be constructive. My current boyfriend knows my past but he isn’t sensitive to the things he says to me sometimes and he likes to make jokes and most times i feel like he is picking on me. I tried to tell him to care to be a little more sensitive and his response was to stop making excuses and to stop talking about my little stories.
I was emotionally, physically, verbally abused in a previous relationship. This abuse went on for 4 years and I spent a full year alone just trying to get my esteem back while my ex was smear campaigning me and stalking me. It took a restraining order to get him off my back.
Today I can love and trust my current boyfriend together 8 months, but i feel he is inconsiderate and mean to me because he is insensitive about the things he says to me. I am no longer going to open up to him about this again since he has told me its getting old. I don’t speak of this abuse ALL the time, i normally go on forums for support but tonight i was explaining to him that i have to procees his critics differently than him because of this abuse. And he got upset saying what does that have to do with him. After he said all that i promised myself to never again open up like that to him.
Anyone have any advice on how to avoid these conflicts because its affecting my relationship and i think my boyfriend thinks I’m not a good match to him and i think too if he can’t understand this trauma. But he gives me reason to not be a victim and on most occasions i have been able to stop and think before taking things negatively. I understand nobody gives a bleep about what happened and if it makes me a difficult person.
So currently he is just flowing with things at the moment and i can sense his lack of excitement for our relationship.
Advice please.
Newbie
Im from the tough school but it would be good to know to get some insight In what kind of criticism you cant handle. Can you give a few examples of things said that hurt your feelings?
If they are unneccessary comments on you i could change my view but here goes:
You are punishing your bf for your past. And yes, having arguments with someone who flaunts the victim past in my face gets old fast.
Im sorry this happened to you but its not really a reason why People cant comment on your behaviour. Again im reasoning with the assumption his critisism is within limits. It is really is to belittle you, you may have found another controlling guy.
If you are still haunted by your past, its better so find a good therapist. Good luckLane
Its not fair to make him walk on egg shells and censor himself, or for you to take everything he says and spin it to the point you remain in ‘victim mode.’ I don’t think you’ve worked through it, and still have some inner work to do as you can’t expect everyone to handle you with kid gloves all the time, or forever.
It sounds like he’s starting to check out. The comment you made where he said “its getting old’ is him saying he’s sick and tired of hearing about your past, and that if you can’t find a way to move past it then he’ll most likely breakup with you.
You didn’t really provide any examples so its hard to say if you are over reacting or he’s insensitive. The only advise I can give, is to seek a professional who can work with both of you to see if you can find a way to coexist without both of you feeling the way you do. Remember, it takes two to tango, and if you’ve never tangoed then you need an expert to help you learn the right steps—that’s how I would present it to him, and see if he would be willing to take that step with you.
Raven
What kind of “inconsiderate and mean” things does he say to you?
N
It’s just a whole bunch of things that seem similar to the things my ex would say and do. Like he would laugh at me for no reason, just out of the blue burst out laughing, can never tell me what the laugh was for.
We can be among people we know and i would say something and he would tell me infront of everyone that i sound stupid. I want to be right all the time. I’m miss know it all.
My jokes are always over the top offensive while his should be seen as playful and shame on me for comparing his jokes with mine. He never says sorry, while i keep apologising.
He got sick recently in his throat area and told me it must have been my vaginal discharge when he gave me oral. I’ve had reactions with lubricants before that gave me a whitish discharge that had no smell but i was cured by my doctor before he gave me that oral. And his doctor confirm that his symptoms had zero relation to that (and it wasn’t the virus either). So if that was a joke it wasn’t funny to me.
When i think im doing great in the relationship and i mention so during arguments he would sarcastically tell me well keep being great. Or get my head out of my a.s.s and smell the air.
He would critic my driving from the house to our destination. And it’s hard to take these criticism positively because there is so much fault he sees. He doesn’t shut me out when i want to discuss an issue however his response makes me want to just shut my mouth and accept the blame before it worsens. Just these things trigger me. And i feel like im not good enough or I’m just worthless.
Maybe i need more work done with my inner self. But aside from these things he’s wonderful. We can be angry one minute but it doesn’t last long. He doesn’t just up and leave at the sight of trouble, he never swore at me or hit me. As far as i know he is faithful to me.
We have talked over things and i see his point so all seems resolved but i dont want to repeat stuff like this again which is why i posted. How do i control negative thinking? How do i handle the jokes? I cant make him understand what abuse does to a person’s mind.
Newbie
Yeah those examples make me change my mind. He is just another guy from the same factory as your ex. A guy who does like to belittie you and makes nasty comments just to be nasty. There is nothing constructive about it. Just because this guy doesnt abuse you physically doesnt make him much better than ex. Sorry, you have real issues if you keep falling for guys who treat you bad. Its not uncommon and usually can be traced back to your upbringing. I f i were you i would prepare to break up, then do the break up and work on yourself and your self esteem
cupcake
He sounds like a complete jerk. I mean what the hell. I don’t think its you overreacting or being negative bc of your past abuse. Anyone would be offended by his behaviour. Most people however would hit the dust and not blame themselves. That’s classic domestic abuse victim behaviour and its neither healthy nor helpful.
The fact that he isn’t swearing at you or hitting you shouldn’t be a badge of honour, its should be a given! It shouldn’t even be something you need to mention as a good quality because…well it shouldn’t even cross your mind as a possibility.
I do think you should work on yourself and work through your past abuse. NOT to appease your current bf (i think you should ditch him btw), but so you can heal and grow. Otherwise you are just going to continue to pick men and relationships that are abusive and disrespectful.All the best to you
Lane
I retract and should break up. I think you need a lot more inner work as your guy picker is broken, nor have strong boundaries, and accept this kind of treatment because you don’t have a high bar/benchmark to work with. You seem to keep attracting these type of men, and that’s something you need to work on if you ever want to find a decent one.
Anon 2
Run away fast, he sounds exactly the same as my ex
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