This topic contains 10 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Lane 2 months, 1 week ago.
September 10, 2019 at 5:17 pm #769742
I got married when 19 yo, was married for 17 years when my husband could not survive in an accident and then I was coping and single handed raising kids for 3 years. I did not date or had any relationship. Husband was my first love. I met this guy at an event and we socialised then became good friends. He came to know about my situation and started courting me. He is going through a complicated divorce since 2 years and that’s how long we have been together for. I had no expectations, relationship was nice distraction so I thought let’s see how it goes. He kept telling me that he wants to marry me as soon as the divorce is over. We had our clashes time to time when I told him that I would rather stay single than have so many arguments with you (since my previous relationship was bed of roses compared to this but way less adventurous). I really love him so never really left.
Last couple of months however he is acting very strange with me. If I don’t do something he says then he immediately blocks me from whatsapp and then phone. I then feel weak and give in. I apologised thinking I must have hurt him badly.
We just had another argument where I wanted it to be resolved in a certain way and he wanted his away. I proposed that we meet in the middle but he blocked me instead. I apologised to him million times but he is so adamant. He says, my way or it’s over. I do not know what to do. Part of me feels he played me for two years and part of me feels I should give in and may be this time will be last time . How would you respond to the blocking by someone?
I tried to be brief. I hope someone can help me put my thoughts together. I feel lost. Thanks for reading.September 10, 2019 at 6:31 pm #769750
He sounds like he is a toxic person…controlling and manipulative (insecurr). I would bail, but nicely and firm. Don’t give him a reason for hopeSeptember 10, 2019 at 6:46 pm #769754
Why do you want to be with someone who is so rigid?!September 10, 2019 at 7:28 pm #769760
He’s manipulating you. He knows blocking and giving you silent treatment drives you nuts and makes you desperate to do anything to make him unblock and speak with you. He knows absolutely what he is doing. I have heard of other guys who do this all the time. They decide in their head the woman needs to be punished and intentionally go into a virtual silent treatment mode. As you can see it works because you keep giving in Nd he gets his way. You have taught him over time that you find this treatment acceptable and so he will just keep on doing it. If my boyfriend even blocked me once he would be history. End of story. If that’s the way you want to deal with conflict then find someone else to emotionally abuse. And that’s exactly what he is doing to you. Even to the point that you want to give him yet another chance hoping this will be the last time. Of course it won’t be. He figured out what works for him anyway.
I don’t think he played you for two years. But I also don’t think he’s good husband material. All the arguments, all the blocking, all your apologies and pleading. What are all these arguments about? Major issues or just petty things? Because either way it’s not normal or healthy to have so many disagreements.
I suggest you think hard and stay blocked. Use the time to really decide how many more years you want to be abused like this. It will only get worse the more he gets away with manipulating you. He’ll keep pushing the envelope.September 10, 2019 at 10:23 pm #769777
Better off single
I think he wants out of the relationship.September 10, 2019 at 10:40 pm #769779
I think you should hold the door open for him.September 10, 2019 at 10:43 pm #769780
To walk out of, I mean.
NOT, as in, to be waiting for him to come back.
(Sorry. After I posted I felt the need to clarify.)September 11, 2019 at 1:11 am #769783
I don’t know how things are otherwise in your relationship. but if you always give in to what he wants, your setting a bad precedent for future. its important if this is to go ahead that you lay boundaries. you don’t have to shout argue fight or plead. just be firm on issues which are really relevant to you. I can understand if he tries to reason it out in terms of why his way seems better. but your guy’s behaviour is pathetic childish stubborn and arrogant. let him block you. let him sulk.
do not give in. hold strong and firm. if he wants to break off bec you don’t agree to his reasoning on certain issues, than probably its best you guys break off. you hv to be firm or your setting a dangerous precedent for future in which you may have him around but only on his conditions. you don’t want to be doormat but an equal partner in the relationship. do not approach him again. let him get back. and if he doesn’t than that just goes to show that he is fine losing you but is not ready to do things the way you would prefer even once.
just bec he disagreed you dint throw a tantrum nor did you block him. so why did he? just think about this.September 11, 2019 at 4:39 am #769789
I’m not sure why, but you’ve fallen into a hole here with what sounds like a rollercoaster eelworm highs and lows, and him punishing you and you crawling and begging him to forgive you even though it isn’t warranted just to get back the comfort of being on an even keel again, all be it a short time till the next argument and the cycle starts again.
This is not health for you and is changing how you feel about yourself. You should be thinking of not being with him.
Your biggest friend here is silence. He’s blocked you again. What happens if you simply don’t contact? Have you tried that? If you won’t end this, at least do something different and go totally silent at this point for as long as it takes. At some point he’ll contact you. Do not give in!September 11, 2019 at 6:09 am #769792
Personally, I would run a mile from this behaviour. As others have correctly stated, this is manipulative and controlling. It’s also a form of bullying. No way would I consider continuing this a guy like this, not to mention marry.
Out of interest, how old are you both?September 11, 2019 at 6:23 am #769793
You need to think about, and put your children first here IMO. This is not a healthy or functioning dynamic, you know it, or you wouldn’t be here seeking help. You, and he, are both teaching your children unhealthy ways to deal with problems, and this is not something they need to learn, especially at their age, which I’m assuming are in their teens by now. They see and hear everything; and seeing their mom beg and cry for a man who is not treating her nice has to be affecting them too.
I’m not saying this to make you cry or feel worse, but doing so to get you to see the harsh cold truth about the reality of your situation. How do you think your deceased husband would feel about you being with this man, and his children being around toxicity? It sounds like you had a pretty good relationship with him, and referred to your marriage as a “bed of roses” in comparison to this one. You need think long and hard no only about your mental health, but how its affecting your children, if you continue with this man.