Only Been a MONTH….


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This topic contains 7 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Jenny OG 2 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #735735 Reply

    Cara

    Hi so i broke up with my boyfriend of 9 months Dec. 10. And i feel like it’s been MONTHS. I realize it’s only been one month and a day. WHy do I feel like it’s been so much longer? Why do I feel as though I’m emotionally drained? I’ve blocked, unblocked, facetimed he facetimed me…we still are angry and I’m constantly between forgiving and staying away. I;ve been on 2 dates trying to distract myself, I have not slept with anyone however I’m sure he has slept with one or more. Which is the reason we broke up in the first place – his infidelities.

    I’ve gone through breakups before. Why is this one so hard? Why can’t I move on? I got attached to his kids very strongly, and I do believe in my heart that he thought he was marrying me, while being able to sneak around. He didn’t think I’d find out or leave when I did. So he’s devastated. I can’t forget the kids, I miss him horribly. Like I said, I’ve gone through breakups, why is this one so hard?

    #735751 Reply

    Raven

    Why are you continuously re-engaging with this cheeter?!

    You don’t bring garbage back into your house do you …?
    Yes, it hurts-
    It’s ok that it hurts…
    It will hurt for a while…

    You will survive… Sing this out loud.

    #735753 Reply

    kaye

    Because you envisioned a future with this man and his kids and it was your dream to be with him. So you are having to deal with this fact this dream is now dead and the future you envisioned is gone. It’s not something you can let go of in a month. He broke your trust, your heart and you aren’t just going to get over that easily.

    Yes you will miss him even though he’s a cheater and your mind knows you did this for the best. Your heart will just take a little time to catch up. And a breakup is emotionally draining so it does feel like you’ve been without him longer. Please keep him blocked and go no contact for your own sanity and healing. There is no reason to forgive MULITPLE infidelities in the short span of 9 months. Also I really wouldn’t be dating this early. You are emotionally unavailable and it’s not fair to you or a potential partner to drag them into your emotional mess right now. Sorry to be so blunt.

    #735802 Reply

    Emma

    Oh Gosh, sorry for saying this to you, but I will take you a long time to get over this. It might be a year or longer. Your dreams got shattered, you self esteem and female pride got shattered. You lost what you hoped to be your family. The man you thought he was, whom you liked.

    It takes TIME for feelings to catch up with logic and intellectual and moral realization. That’s why we can’t instantly stop loving cheaters, abusers, etc.

    One months is barely any time. I think it would be safer and easier for you in the long term if you brace yourself for a longer recovery.

    But you need to stay in no contact. No facetiming, nothing whatsoever for a very long time. Every contact is going to re-ignite things.

    Given that he was not interested in a breakup, he is going to make it hard for you, he’d try to contact you and ask you back. You need to stick to your guns.

    I remember your previous posts. You’ve been on a roller coaster for a few months before you broke up. You did the right thing by walking away. Do not drag YOUR recovery for years. He’d recover much faster. He is “devastated” now as things worked against his “cunning” plan. LOL but as soon as he finds someone suitable, he’d be fine. Men with no integrity do not suffer for long. They are cheaters for a reason. They character is fragmented and fractured, they are unable to genuinely feel strong love other than to their offspring or parents.

    I do not condemn “cheating” when the relationship is over a decade or more, when there is no more passion, when sex is close to non-existent.

    But in a new relationship, when you are ex cited about this person in your life, you love them, you enjoy every little experience you share, and sex is a continuous discovery…cheating during this time is, as I said, shows how shallow a person is.

    There is also a syndrome where a person has to lie. This gives them an upper hand, a sense of power. They feel better about themselves this way. Maybe your guy has a bit of this syndrome as well?

    9 months in and multiple cheating is, indeed, very unusual (even for those man who are “not very good at monogamy” LOL) and very dangerous for everyone around. Including his kids. Who are never going to be have any stable family because of that. Stay strong, there is no “solution”. You did the right thing. It will take a long time, but if you give in, you are prolonging your recovery exponentially. Breakups are intense experience, so each time you “go back together” and break up again, recovery is harder, as damage is deeper. Stay strong.

    #735803 Reply

    Better off single

    I love everyone’s psychoanalysis of the guy.

    Kaye gave wonderful advice. Read that over and over.

    #735834 Reply

    Annins

    Hei Cara, just wanted to say that I feel you, going thru the same now. My problem is that I couldn’t go no contact for my own healing, but have a coming baby with him. So he claims how much he loves me & is around all the time, doesn’t let me go no matter how much I try to separate. He helped me greatly to move in my new house (we lived together) and helps with shopping and physically with daily problems. As I am in latest month of pregnancy & can’t help myself much, not many friends/family around. But it makes me suffer as I still have feelings, just like you, and shattered future and betrayed trust on the other hand. So, you are very lucky to be able to go no contact!! You will recover much faster than I am able to, and hopefully you will mert a great new man soon.

    #735872 Reply

    Emma

    Annins, I remember your story. I think you are a very strong woman, to be able to walk out in your latest weeks of pregnancy. This is extremely hard and only a strong woman can do it. But missing “him”, while being very painful, is still better than being in that deplorable situation he put you in. This way you are not feeling humiliated and betrayed, your trust destroyed, your dreams shattered. This way things are clear. You still love him but he is a lying SOB who cannot be trusted. He is the father of oyur future child, so let him do all the work he is willing to do. Do not cross the boundary of letting him back in emotionally and sexually. While he is doing all the “work” and confessing his love, on his own time do you think he is faithful? Leopard cannot change his spots. And he won’t.

    But you can continue to appreciate his help and his efforts as a future father. Separate the two. He would not have been fighting for you if you had not been pregnant. So it is not really you he is fighting for, but his child. He thought he can have a loving wife, a baby and sleep around with hores without even trying to hide it. Sure.

    When your baby gets a little older, you can start dating again. Dress up, doll up, look forward to sex. Let him “watch” how happy you are with a new man. LOL

    And next time try to look out for cheating traits in a man. Those are usually not hard to detect, for women with experience.

    There are plenty of men who date women with young children, marry them and live happily as a family. Plenty!! Focus on loving your child, looking after youself, and then focus on looking forward to a new love. Without betrayal and humiliation. You will get it, maybe not right away, but you will get it. Stay strong.

    Y

    #735876 Reply

    Jenny OG

    It’s hard because you loved him. Just because you discover someone is a piece of sh*t doesn’t mean your feelings automatically turn off. But after you get sad ask yourself ‘Well, do I love him enough to sacrifice my own happiness??!’ I hope the answer to that is NO. So you then say ‘Damn, that sucks! I WANT to be with him but I WON’T’ *notice it’s not CAN’T, because you essentially COULD, but rather that you WON’T, that you CHOOSE not to, that you understand life’s choices can be difficult but you can and WILL make the correct ones for YOURSELF regardless of who else happens to be involved. It’s about understanding that YOU are the only person in control of these choices and YOU yourself shoulder the responsibility of maintaining your own happiness even if it hurts sometimes. Think big picture. To stay w him is temporary gratification that will fade before it’s even enjoyable. Be strong, Good luck! :)

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