This topic contains 17 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Shoshannah 4 months, 1 week ago.
September 10, 2019 at 7:22 pm #769759
Hi everyone, I really hope you guys can help me gain some insights and give suggestions to my situation.
Been with my serious Bf for a year now. We are both in late twenties. He is my first serious boyfriend as well as my first sexual partner whereas he has had previous relationship experience. We are also long distance and see each other every weekend ( we live 1 hr away from each other).
I would describe our relationship as very mature, loving and committed. I honestly think he has every quality in a guy that I have always wanted and I appreciate that he shows up in the relationship.
Recently however we had a very hard talk. And that was regarding s e x and intimacy. He complained that the frequency is not enough and we would like for us to be intimate each time we see each other. For the most part we do that expect lately he has been stressed with work and also dealing with heavy stuff in family, which in turn has made him less affectionate towards me. I brought that up to him telling him how that in turn makes me closed off and not want to initiate intimacy. He agreed and took responsibility for his actions and we both want to make it better.
What hurt me the most to hear is that he said out of all the past relationships, our relationship is the one where he has had the least sex. That hurt me and made me insecure not to mention the fact that I am also not as experienced due to him being my first partner. He assured me that he doesn’t think it’s a sexual incompatibility as much as it is the fact we need to prioritize intimacy while we can this due to distance.
I can’t help but wonder if he is thinking we are not sexually compatible long term, and I am afraid that if this persists that it will be the end of our relationship. It made me feel a bit insecure and now I feel like he is comparing me to his exes.
What are you guys thoughts on this? Is this a bad sign or is this a good sign since he wants to improve this part of our relationship? What can I do as a woman with a lack of experience to spice things up or become more free and spontaneous? How to utilize the limited time we have and not make intimacy as an expected thing but make it fun and spontaneous?
I appreciate any feedback especially from menSeptember 10, 2019 at 9:02 pm #769766
I’m not a man but here goes….Just to clarify. You see each other only on weekends, and he wants to have sex every weekend? That seems reasonable to me, for a guy in his late 20s.
When you get together on weekends, I assume it’s for overnights? Fri and Sat night? Or Sat night only? Have you had weekend visits with no sex?
Him saying that he’d like to have sex every weekend isn’t surprising. My boyfriend & I are in our 40s, together almost a year and half, and have sex about once a week so I don’t see his request as unreasonable at all. I don’t see where you’re getting that he thinks you aren’t sexually compatible, or that he’s comparing you to his exes. In fact you said he specifically told you that it’s not a matter of incompatibility; he just wants more sex.
Try to work on your self confidence and I think you will naturally become more comfortable and brave, sexually. Don’t focus on the fact that he is more experienced. He is choosing to be with you so he obviously finds you sexy and attractive.
About your lack of experience– This may not be your thing but try watching some porn. Either with him, or alone. If you watch it alone it can give you ideas for stuff to try with him. Be comfortable and curious with him. Tell him if you want to try new positions for example. Have fun together.
It’s OK to plan sex, by the way. It’s necessary sometimes. Especially if your time together is limited. So all sex does not have to be spontaneous. It can still be fun ;-) In fact sometimes planning something you both are into in advance (sexually speaking) can build up anticipation and make the sex even more fun. For example if you both know you have something special planned for the next weekend, you can think about it all week and look forward to it.September 10, 2019 at 9:08 pm #769767
I dont think it was very nice of him to mention that out of all his relationships, your one has the least sex – to me that comes across quite manipulative. As if by him telling you this, will make you give him more of what he wants (sex). If he needs more sex? I think there’s a better way to get the point across, than do a comparison. Dick move. I wouldn’t like that very much if it was said to me.
Distance is hard too, as a result. Do you want this?
Stop thinking of what he wants, and how he may end this, and how he may see you as incompatible long term and start thinking of what you need and want. This relationship is what should make you feel good, happy & secure. Do YOU want a man who when things aren’t going the way he desires he will opt to tell you that his exes done it more/better?
Sounds like you haven’t got much experience with relationships. Why dont you try get more hobbies/friends and spend more time finding out who you are.September 10, 2019 at 9:58 pm #769774
Liz lemon and Alex, thank you for your replies. We usually see each other Saturday through Sunday. Sometimes we see each other during week days when he is up in my area for work. So basically that leaves us Saturday and Sunday morning intimacy. It’s true that sometimes we have gone for about 2 weekends in a row without it either due to traveling or other reasons . I agree with my boyfriend for wanting more sex which is natural. I just got hurt when he made the statement about our relationship being the one with least sex because that immediately made me insecure and my mind started going everywhere. I told him he hurt me when he said that. I guess for him it was a way to sort of make it clear that he would prefer more.
I hate how insecure I have become. I have been kind of picking up the pace more at the gym cuz now I am worried he may not find me attractive eventually. I don’t know how to let this go and just get confident regardless of what he said.
Ugh this sucks you guysSeptember 10, 2019 at 10:19 pm #769776
Just DO it
Be more affectionate and tell him how great you think he is. Compliments. Fluff the ego. He knows you are inexperienced, ask him to teach you something. Make a big deal out of the GOOD in your relationship instead of focusing on what could be better. If you focus on what’s good, it will automatically get better. Work with what you have. That is what is killing your confidence. All you can control is how you respond to it.
Less talking. More doing. Get going.September 10, 2019 at 10:25 pm #769778
Thanks for this post Kylie! I was having a similar situation with my partner. He’s now my husband. We’ve been together for about 2 and a half years now. We also were having issues with this. We’re about the same age as you. I’ve just turned 30. My husband is 35.
I had only slept with one other person before my husband. When we were having issues I tried to get him to open up about his past because I’m sure that he’s had more experience than me. He was pretty reluctant to tell me about his past relationships. All he said was that he’s had a few flings before we started dating but nothing too serious. What constitutes a fling though? It might be different for each person. I didn’t want to know all the details of his past because it’s just that. In the past but I just wanted to know a bit more about where he was coming from. I was pretty honest with him about my past telling him that besides him I had been with one other and it was very briefly.
We are getting through our issues. It’s still not perfect to be honest. There was a point last year when he didn’t touch me for about 2 months. I was really quite concerned. I thought there was something about me he didn’t like or I thought he may have feelings for some girl at his work. It wasn’t till I spoke to him that I realised I was jumping to conclusions. He just wanted me to be a bit more proactive about things and initiate things a bit more. I’m pretty introverted so it’s not in my nature, so I’m still not sure how he would like me to initiate. At times I also think when we do do it he thinks of it as more of a chore rather than something he wants to do. I also think maybe he might be comparing me to other girls he’s been with. He’s never outright said so, but sometimes I get the feeling he is.
My husband is French and I’m Australian so I’m not sure if he’s had more experience with French women or Australian women before he met me. I think French women are more sexually agressive in the bedroom. That’s not me though. Sometimes it feels like he wants me to be like a French girl. We’ve been together for 2 and a half years now you’d think he’d have realised by now that I’m not French. If he wanted to be with a French girl he should’ve said something before we got married.September 10, 2019 at 11:57 pm #769781
Maybe we can excuse his comment as being still pretty young and stupid. But I have never had a guy compare me to any exes. It’s a really bad move. And you should not be asking him about his exes. I never think it’s a good idea to talk how many lovers you have had or what you did with them. Inevitably one of you will get upset. Sometimes it’s because the number of partners is staggering and your mind starts going places with it. Sometimes it’s because for example he may share he had anal sex and you have no desire to try this. So you are comparing yourself and wondering if that’s a deal breaker for him. The list goes on and on.
If you only see each other about a day and a half each week I’m not sure how much more sex you will get in. Unless all you do is stay indoors and sex each other.
With the distance you may want to try doing things virtually to pleasure each other. This means beefing up on some steamy sex talk and telling him stories you make up in your mind about things you envision doing with him together. Men are visual so you want to be descriptive. Let your mind wander yo all kinds of scenarios from sexy to romantic to submissive or dominating. It works! And you can touch yourself and orgasm at the same time or have him do most of the fantasy story tell while you mostly listen and envision it, happening to you.
That’s the only way I can see you getting much more sex in unless you close the distance gap.September 11, 2019 at 12:01 am #769782
The same advice applies to you about asking him about exes. He was smart and kept his mouth shut. I don’t think you would feel better at all if he really opened up and told you. Let that go.
If you want to improve your sex life start talking with him about what he likes. Tell him what you like. Ask him how he likes you to initiate. Your generalization about French women being sexier is just that. All women are different and it does you no service to worry about whether he wants a French women. Stop opening up more him about what things you both can do to please each other.September 11, 2019 at 7:47 am #769794
Is 1 hour away considered long distance?September 11, 2019 at 8:02 am #769796
I totally agree with Peggy that no good can come of grilling your partner about their former lovers. There’s no need for you to have that information. All it will do is haunt you and it serves no purpose for you to know.
About the OP’s boyfriend commenting that he has the least sex in his current relationship– yes that was an insensitive remark. Since the OP said they have a mature, loving, and happy relationship, let’s hope that he just misspoke and isn’t trying to manipulate her or make her feel bad. Going 2 weekends in a row without sex means not having sex for 3 weeks and that’s a long time for a guy in his 20s who’s in a relationship. He didn’t express it well but he’s trying to tell you what he needs.
OP, you said you’ve become very insecure. Is this something that’s gotten worse recently or has it always been an issue for you?September 11, 2019 at 8:09 am #769797
@EMS it can be as sometimes with traffic it can takes hours, although in this case I think after a year this relationship isn’t progressing, they still see each other once a week, after a year it should increase
also they should be thinking about closing the distance a little bitSeptember 11, 2019 at 10:05 am #769806
I don’t think it was manipulative of him to say such a thing. Maybe naive. The thing about loving, committed, and transparent relationships is sometimes people think out loud or don’t word it right. I’ve been there. You’re right @Kylee. He was just saying that the sex was lacking, but had a poor choice of words. Of course he has had less sex in this relationship than past ones. But it has nothing to do with you! (see how that’s not worded that great either) It’s because of all his work and personal life and then the 1 hour distance on top of it.
Consider yourself lucky if he says he’s willing to work on the sex life. And doesn’t think it’s down to a sexual incompatibility. That in itself is telling of the relationship and that he loves you _and_ finds you attractive. It’s a huge compliment coming from a guy. I don’t represent every guy of course, but sexual compatibility goes out the window when I truly love a partner. Otherwise I worry about it. You must be one hell of a catch physically and personality wise for a guy to say something like that. I completely understand you feeling insecure, but you need to see this as a good thing because that’s what it is. I don’t even think anything needs spicing up. Maybe a few sexy pictures on days you can’t meet. But realistically this is all about more opportunities for meeting up which can lead sex. Even if it’s a quickie in a car trip to somewhere (but be smart enough to not get caught!)September 11, 2019 at 10:42 am #769807
Is this his first distance relationship? Of course you have less sex than you would if he lived 5 minutes away. And it sounds like you aren’t the one necessarily causing that.
I think you took the first good step by telling him what you need- more affection when he is stressed out. And remind him of that when he is being grumpy and stressed- that hey, he may be in a mood, but you still want your hugs and sweet words to get in the mood. Guys are pretty simple – if they want more sex and you tell them what they need to do to get it, they generally step up.
I think he finds you attractive. Especially if he wants more sex.
The one thing that may be at risk- you may not be the problem, but he may now be seeing the reality of a distance relationship. Do you guys have a plan to close that gap anytime soon.September 11, 2019 at 10:49 am #769809
Why is him being HONEST about a subject causing so much fuss? He was making a valid point in that they are not having much sex, where his point of reference is based on his past experiences. Yes, he could have left that part out and just said “I want to have more sex with you” and I’m sure he initially presented it that way, but let’s face it, women feel compelled to keep ‘talking about it’, hence the “heavy talk” until the man feels forced to explain it in a way that strikes right to the heart of it.
I sounds like your inexperience may be keeping you from initiating sex with him? Men don’t want to have to be the one to initiate every time; they want their partner to want and desire them just as sexually as they desire you. Are you sexually attracted to him? If so, sex can be a great stress reliever, so when he’s feeling stressed, sex could be the very antidote he needs to get him out of his funk.
I like what Peggy wrote. She gave you some great ideas; whereas if one is inexperienced in an area, like sex, then one should seek out information, like you did here, and find solutions to improve upon it. This includes talking gently (pillow talk), not heavy, with your BF about what he likes, what you like; how he or you can do it better as all bodies are different so it takes a little time, with some sweet talk, to find those sweet spots that will improve your bond, relationship, and desire for each other. Like they say “practice makes perfect!” :o)September 11, 2019 at 1:37 pm #769821
Hi everyone, thank you all for such great feedback and it really helps to put things in perspective. I will definitely integrate these suggestions and try to improve the frequency and make it fun.
I guess deep down my insecurity is raising from the thought that what if this is not a bedroom issue but a relationship issue? I feel a disconnect with him lately due to him being not in a good place and obviously it is causing problems in sex.
I am also scared that he may be subconsciously questioning the long term relationship and he may be pulling away? He did mention that it may take a least a year for him to make a move and get closer to me. I have already done all I can do on my end, I do commute an hour each way to work and a major part of me living far from work is that I can be at a mid point between him and I.
Considering that our situation is not changing any time, I am worried that this may start to truly test our relationship. I just have this pit in my stomach lately and this current situation is a little bit discouraging. I am scared to loose him.September 12, 2019 at 6:45 am #769864
To get you out of this negative mindset I’m going to point to the positives here.
First, you are not LDR. Millions of people commute one-way to work on a daily basis, so you really aren’t far enough to be able to spend time enough together to maintain your bond.
Second, he opened up to you about, and that’s a good sign. If he didn’t care he wouldn’t have bothered, so the fact he did is his way of telling you he wants to make it work but there needs to be some changes, in the sex department, for him to proceed.
Third, your vibe can infect a relationship. If all you think about is negativity its going to breed negativity and negative thoughts. Change that. Women have a propensity to ‘overthink’ and by doing so create issues that aren’t even there, nor are men even thinking about it. A good male friend of mine texting me a pic once where there was one toggle on top labeled “man” and below it were numerous toggles, dials, and s w i t c h e s labeled “women”—its so true!!! Men don’t understand us because they don’t think like ladies do, at all. Their brain is wired differently, like a waffle, where they can only be in one compartment at a time, which is why if they are glued to the TV and don’t hear you its because they in their visual compartment, and literally have to jump over to the ‘hearing’ compartment as they can’t do both like woman can! If he’s not saying it, he’s not thinking it….that’s the best way to know what’s on a man’s mind, oh and BTW they also have a ‘nothing box’ where they literally think about nothing!!!
Lastly, fear will make a person crazy, and end up fulfilling your own prophecy if you live by it. Your life isn’t going to end if this relationship ends. Yeah, it sucks for awhile but its temporary, not the end of the world. There’s a saying “an opportunity lost, is an opportunity gained” meaning things end for a good reason; its life’s way of saying this is not right for you, there is something better but you have to leave or let this go to get there. Your fear could very well be telling you that this isn’t the right person or relationship for you because when you’re with the right person you won’t have this feeling.September 12, 2019 at 9:02 am #769870
I’m not sure how I feel about the needing 1 year just to be close to you. Naive overestimation or telling?September 12, 2019 at 4:29 pm #769913
There is a lot of good advice above, but I’ll just add that with my partner we had exactly the same issue about a year in, but the sides were reversed (meaning it was me who wanted more sex). I had no idea that such a conversation could be that upsetting and I really hope that my partner wasn’t as stressed about it as OP. It’s really not a big deal. I had thought to myself ‘hey I would like more sex’ and I said it out loud. Things has improved since then, partially in the sex department, partially becuase I understood that this is how he is. (Previously I was worried that maybe he’s not that into me, because he wouldn’t initiate as much as my previous partners.) We’re still together 2 years later and very happy. So, OP, not to worry, this really isn’t such a big thing, a conversation as many others, and you’ll have much more serious problems in a serious relationship.