Home › Forums › Long Distance Relationship (LDR) Advice › Not sure if he really loves me
- This topic has 6 replies and was last updated 4 years, 2 months ago by
kaye.
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Stephanie
So, I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years now. We’ve been through so so much already together, most of the things happened though because of his actions. When I met him he was addicted to drugs, I didn’t know that, I knew he had been in rehab for that in the past, but didn’t expect him still doing Meth because he always denied it. Not very long after that he lost his job and i said i’ll help him financially until he finds a new job. So I gave him money for groceries, doctors, just everything and after a year or something I finally found out that he’s been using all that money for drugs. I trusted him blindly at the start and maybe that was my mistake. Eventuelly he stopped doing drugs, he still has an alcohol problem and is forced to go to outpatient treatment now. I love him very very much and he always tells me how much he loves me and that he wants the marry me and how sorry he is for everything that happened. But now he says I’m a control freak, as in I’m taking him the air to breathe by being so controlling. My trust is shattered of course. And I’m really trying to believe things he’s telling me, but i just can’t help myself, whenever he tells me something my mind automatically tries to figure out the lie in it. I’m not sure if he’s lying now anymore or not. And i know that he’s a person who needs his freedom but at the same time i need some security right now after all of that. He’s really really bad at communicating, takes forever to return my calls etc… and when I tell him some of his behavior is hurting me, like him hanging out every day with his gay friend who has a crush on him, he just tells me that basically that is my problem because he’s not responsible for my emotions. It feels like he’s leaving me alone with all these emotions to deal with alone although we should be a team and be there for each other. I really don’t know what to do and I’m not ready to break up, I love him to much for that, so should I just let him come to me? Give him space etc? Not call that often or text? I need some other advice please.
Jo
I’m afraid I don’t believe you could ever be happy with this man. You don’t trust him, with good reason. He is self absorbed, as drug addicts are (and alcohol is a drug). Giving him space will change nothing.
Raven
Your behavior is desperate & co-dependent…
Why do you love this drunk, drug addict who has a boyfriend?
Don’t you think You deserve better?Ames
At this point, you are worrying about the wrong things. Just being honest. You are enabling him by lending him money and forgiving him for stealing from you (basically that’s what he has done). He needs to experience the consequences of his actions to realize the severity of his situation. He’s probably still using drugs and uses with his gay friend. Him not giving you attention and hanging out with his friend is the least of your worries. The only thing he cares about is drugs. You need to let him go and cut him off–from everything! It will be very hard and break your heart. But he is in no position to be in a relationship whatsoever. I speak from personal experience..if you’re interested go to an al-anon meeting. Talk to people who can empathize with you and who have experience with this. You are only harming yourself and him by staying in this toxic situation. I wish you all the best..
Kerry
Girl get tested for HIV. Dump this sucker. You deserve so much better.
Lane
I highly advise that you read “Codependent No More…” by Melody Beatty.
You are an enabler, your actions have allowed him to be who he is because you bail him out, time and time again. Until they reach their ‘rock bottom’ they will have zero incentive to change. You cannot control this. The way his mind works, which is at the core of why he lies as its a drug pathology you will never ever understand, is going to eventually destroy every bit of self-esteem and worth you have left. They are like vampires and will destroy you if you continue to allow them.
I highly suggest you get out KNOW, before he totally sucks you dry to the point you want to put the car in the garage and turn the engine on. Listen to those who have been there, done that, as no amount of love is worth sacrificing your well being and sanity for!!!! If I can leave a 20+ year marriage due to my exes addiction to alcohol, you can leave a 3 year one as yours has far more things going on than my ex did he still hasn’t stopped 10+ years after our divorce. All I have to say is good luck if you stay, your going to need every bit of it. .
kaye
I’m with Lane…I left an almost 25 year marriage with 3 kids because my husband was an alcoholic and you can’t leave a man who has lied to you and used you for 3 years who is an alcoholic and a druggie?!?!?
The man has lied to you about his drug use repeatedly and when you don’t trust him he blames you! And it sounds like he treats you like crap and doesn’t care about your feelings at all. If he needs his freedom then I say give him ALL of it!! You will learn it is not enough to love someone. As a matter of fact, you are allowing your love for him to destroy you. That is when you need to leave. It’s not easy but I know too many friends who have family members with drug problems and meth is the worst.You say you trusted him blindly before and yet you still are. I wouldn’t be surprised if you staying only to find out he’s having sex with his gay friend in exchange for drugs. Open up your eyes and see him for what he is and LEAVE! You have no one to blame but yourself if you don’t.
You say you trusted him blindly before and yet you still are.
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